I have given up... I can't find a place for me in the gay community....

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    Aug 23, 2008 10:04 PM GMT
    I have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life
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    Aug 23, 2008 10:50 PM GMT
    icon_eek.gif

    I started a somewhat similar thread a couple of days ago (http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/267804/), and though it did not invite many responses, the two people who did provided good words of advice. See if what they said doesn't help you a bit.

    I am in a similar predicament to yours. Well, I am not to the point wanting to fuck the gay community (although eventually fucking someone in the gay community sounds good to me). But if it helps, it seems like you're not alone. To be honest, when I posted my thread I knew that many people in the gay community have trouble fitting in, but I wanted to know what their experience had been like.

    If you're looking for "masculine gay guys" who are into sports, then look around this site. A lot of people describe themselves that way in their profiles, so you may meet someone here.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Aug 23, 2008 11:19 PM GMT
    Have you finished stomping your feet, ItsMyLife icon_question.gif

    I just read your profile, and in "Guys I'm Looking To Meet" Well what can I say, there is your problem. Sorry dude, but the gay community is not all MMA fighters. You think everyone should be like you.

    No offence, but your post sounds like a spoilt brat. You need to be more open minded. What kind of place are you looking for in the gay community icon_question.gif

    And there is nothing wrong with guys over 35 icon_confused.gif

    What do you mean when you say "I have given up" icon_question.gif

    Don't go doing anything silly, OK icon_question.gif

    Your young, things will get better. They always do.

    Mike
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    Aug 23, 2008 11:20 PM GMT
    Times havent changed.

    I went thru this back in the mid to late '80s. I hope my experiences described below will give you a perspective that you aren't alone in this. And that what you are struggling with isnt new. At the end, I have a suggestion for you.

    I spent years working the bars. I enjoyed them pretty much for socializing. I did meet guys and dated them. But after several years, I never was finding someone that I wanted to partner up with with.

    So I decided to break out and try other venues. First, I joined the local gay association and found out it was almost 100% AIDS activists. Fine, but that wasnt my passion, altho I did stay around as a member and assisted.

    I tried the DC area sports association. First, volleyball. I had my pic published in The Washington Blade while playing (It was then that I saw how skinny I was and started working out. In the photo, I looked like I had the arm of a spider monkey or something! ... icon_eek.gif )

    Second, I went out with the inaugural horsebacking riding group. Eleven guys showed up....OH BOY ! ! ! On the second outing, there were 3, counting me ....and the other two were LOVERS ! ! ! I was like, "Lord! Ease up. I am trying to meet up with someone. Cut me a break here." I ended up being the only one to take 22 weeks of lessons...including jumping. (I never fell off my horse, nor sat my horse down! ...one guy did that by turning his horse too quickly with no warning to the horse.)

    I finally found my niche at DC's country-western bar. I found that dancing...2-Stepping...and socializing with fellow dancers was my bliss. Boy! we had a hell of a good time weekend after weekend. As I have pointed out before on these threads, the dancing served as a kind of filter for the quality of men that one would meet. You had to have some else on the ball than just a desire for another guy's dick to apply yourself to learn how to dance...c-w dancing, btw, is ballroom type dancing, but you dont have to get dressed up for it.

    I finally gave the dancing up because of the cigarette smoke. Now smoking in DC bars is illegal. I am getting well enough that I am beginning to really feel the itch to go back.

    It sounds like maybe your niche doesnt exist where you are. You might actually have to create your niche. Either start a gay competitive sports group from scratch or hook up with some social type group that already exists and offer to develop such a group in association with that group.

    In those days, when I was active with my local gay group, I learned that there was no gay organization for neighboring county, the largest county in Virginia...and right here in northern Virginia. So I took on the task of advertising and holding planning meetings (usually located in libraries) with gay in that county. Then with that gay group in VA's largest county, I went on to organizing local gay groups into a state-wide group.

    So maybe figure out a way to advertise your desire to organize such a gay sports group and hold meetings in local library meeting rooms.
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    Aug 23, 2008 11:26 PM GMT
    Caslon, you forgot to include the part when you found your true passion and love: the lolcat.
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:02 AM GMT
    What did you expect being gay to be like? A micro version of the hetero world?

    We're only 5-10% of the population and face it, majority don't pursue the same things you do. How many straight guys do MMA anyway? Not a lot, so you'd expect the percentage of gay people in it to be proportional. And why oh why do you want an MMA guy as well? You mentioned you liked muscle mass and bigger guys, well, there are plenty of bigger guys here who do martial arts. How about Karate? Judo? etc.

    Martial arts is also a homophobic sport, notice you yourself aren't out. How the heck would you know if any of your MMA friends are also gay if you don't even tell them?

    You can't change being gay, but you can change your outlook. Don't expect potential romance to just fall into your lap just because you declared yourself gay. If you keep your own criteria that narrow, you'd expect you'd find it harder to find your ideal guy.
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:12 AM GMT
    I am an optimist when it comes to these difficulties. I know it is difficult to find people you can relate to in the gay community but it is possible. You just cannot give up so soon. I have met a lot of athletic gay men in Toronto through sports leagues (not the bars). You may want to take a bit of a break because it sounds like you are now jaded, at such a young age to.

    One thing I know for sure you are always going to be gay so it will not help you to withdraw and become bitter know matter how tempting it may become.
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:18 AM GMT
    I have yet to meet anyone who is 'like me', let alone another gay guy. Sure, I see something of myself in everyone, but not a recognizable whole. And I don't think that experience is unique.

    As I have often said on these forums, when the problem is everyone else chances are the problem is you. Why do you need to meet someone who is into competitive sports, is masculine, like you and under 35? Why do you want to meet you? Being newly out of the closet, I would say you want to meet you because you don't feel comfortable with who you are, particularly your sexuality.

    Spend a little more time meeting people gay or straight, exploring others. Hopefully, you will learn a bit more about you in the process. And there is one persons uninformed opinion for you.
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:34 AM GMT
    If you're looking for someone like you, you're too in love with yourself. Open yourself to people unlike you. You'll probably spend the rest of your life being amazed.
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:37 AM GMT
    I dont know man, I think you have a personality problem. First you have to accept what you are, I even tried having sex with girls to fix my gay problem and it didnt work, I started to feel good when i realized than being gay is not a problem.

    Finding the right guy is not easy but most of the time it gets harder because we make it harder, because we put too many boundries to ourselves, limiting your preference to a sport its kinda self centered, open your eyes dude, the world is full of gay masculine guys if you have more than one door to open along the corridor.

    Look at this post right now, im sure uve read all of these comments, and the guys trying to make you feel better cause most of us went through the same, and we want to help you, but theres not help possible for people who dont help them selves. So man, love your self, love what you are, love your life, love the world, and youll get love from a guy you were not even looking for. I might sound a little strict but sorry dude is the truth, correct yourself cause if i were an mma fighter i would never be with a guy who doesnt feel love for himself.

    So after being such an ass with you i want you to look at me as a friend since im in this industry too, not the way you might expect but still im in. Im right now working for one of the biggest mma business in montreal, im the webmaster and developer of their website which is in being tested now but not done yet, still you can take a look and smile a little since this is what you like www.xmma.tv this is my little gift to make you see that gay community can be great man, as great as you want it to be

    take good care

    - carlitos -


    pd: the website is just compatible with IE7, Firefox and Safari so this means that the onlyone not compatible is IE6
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie said...when the problem is everyone else chances are the problem is you.

    Oh this reminds me. Above I mentioned how that photograph of me playing volleyball was shocking to me because of how skinny I was. My thought process was "David, you want a guy with a decent body. Why would someone like that want you when you are so skinny." That is when I went to Sears bough a bench and weight and had at it. Did a decent job, too.

    But it wasnt for some years later that I learned things about myself that had I known earlier would have helped me immensely. In particular, I didnt know that I was an introvert and I need "down time" to "recharge my batteries." Had I known that, I might have managed my relationships differently....managed so that I got my "down time" and didnt dump the whole relationship thinking there was something wrong with the relationship....thinking there was something wrong with the relationship because I couldnt stand to be around the guy all the time.

    Live and learn.

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    Aug 24, 2008 12:49 AM GMT
    McGay saidIf you're looking for someone like you, you're too in love with yourself. Open yourself to people unlike you. You'll probably spend the rest of your life being amazed.


    Of the 383,033 posts on RJ, the one McGay added to this thread has to be the smartest and wisest.
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:54 AM GMT
    Cut the melodramatic narcissistic teen angst and you would be amazed at how much easier it is to fit in.
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    Aug 24, 2008 12:56 AM GMT
    RBY71 saidCut the melodramatic narcissistic teen angst and you would be amazed at how much easier it is to fit in.


    Just hammer that square block in the round hole!
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Aug 24, 2008 12:58 AM GMT
    The bitchy part of me wants to tell you ...

    Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. icon_twisted.gif

    HOWEVER ...

    Don't let gay life dictate who you are. Do what YOU want to do.

    and kiddo ...

    YOU ARE FUCKING 20 YEARS OLD!!

    Finish your college degree. Get that dream job. Pay you damn bills! Live your life!

    And you will meet those guys you've always wanted to meet. It will happen.

    Got it?
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    Aug 24, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    Dont let being gay define who you are...its just a part of you...your sexuality. Its true we are only 5-10% of the population but alot the guys who are into fighting and etc dont do it because they like fucking girls, they do it because they like it.

    There are some straight guys that love fashion, interior decorating and dancing, I dont hear them complaining about fitting in.

    If you really are into these things, and you dont find many out there like you this could be a perfect opportunity for you to lead the way...to be the example to everyone else that "hey, hes just like us, but gay".

    You could also be a mentor to someone else coming up that they can do whatever they want even if they are gay...being gay is just your sexual orientation thats it.

    I think you could be a little more open minded and try to appreciate others for how they are and what they are into, but I think that might come as you get older.

    I understand your frustration. Being a gay father of 3 living in the bible belt, and being masculine, its not easy finding guys like me. You be who you are and people will love you for it...not because your gay.
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    Aug 24, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    ItsMyLife, maybe you are fooling yourself, but maybe you have given up in a good way. Yep, wait till you get that fist kiss from the right guy. You will not remember who you are much less all this frustration you are going through. If you can't accept who other people are, you will never be able to accept who you are and other people won't either. Yep. So shake of the 'druff and be tough, you are not a teenager anymore, but you still have some growing up to do.

    Ha Ha! MMA homophobic? How about ultimate fighting? Just wait, you know you want it .. that first kiss from the guy you don't expect ..

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    Aug 24, 2008 1:18 AM GMT
    XD ROFLMAO The first guy who kissed did it to intimidate the other guy. That turned out sweet though. ROFL

    I remember a Muay Thai match(?) where a Malaysian(?) kissed his opponent in an effort to intimidate the other guy. He ended up getting pounded to the floor by his furious homophobic opponent. LOL
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    Aug 24, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    Lots of good advice on this page. I want you to think about a few other things as well.

    - Do you really think it's easy for heterosexual people to fit into the world either? It's not. It's not easy for anyone.

    - Do you really want to date someone like yourself? Do you really think you'd be fun to hang out with in your maudlin state?

    - How about you get out there and enjoy your life as a single guy. Don't hide in the closet. If you're open, honest, confident and happy being single, that's precisely when Mr Perfect will sweep you off your feet. Or sweep kick you in the head. Whichever you find most romantic.

    For you, none of this is going to come easily. You smell like internalised homophobia, your parents aren't helping. It's time to get some professional counselling.

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    Aug 24, 2008 1:21 AM GMT
    Sedative saidXD ROFLMAO The first guy who kissed did it to intimidate the other guy. That turned out sweet though. ROFL

    I remember a Muay Thai match(?) where a Malaysian(?) kissed his opponent in an effort to intimidate the other guy. He ended up getting pounded to the floor by his furious homophobic opponent. LOL
    Yeah I have seen that too .. funny .. but face it with the video I posted .. as if you would not throw in the towel anyway .. if that guy kissed you, would that the fight be over before it started? lol
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    Aug 24, 2008 1:25 AM GMT
    Hey guys, can the mean-ass stuff. Really.

    I've had a chance to communicate with the OP a bit and he's actually a sweet guy, just a little angry about some things in his life which I don't feel it's my place to talk about here, but which I think would piss anyone off.

    This rant of his is one of those "I should have stepped away from the keyboard" moments, to be sure, but he's not at all the way you all seem to think.
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    Aug 24, 2008 1:25 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    Sedative saidXD ROFLMAO The first guy who kissed did it to intimidate the other guy. That turned out sweet though. ROFL

    I remember a Muay Thai match(?) where a Malaysian(?) kissed his opponent in an effort to intimidate the other guy. He ended up getting pounded to the floor by his furious homophobic opponent. LOL
    Yeah I have seen that too .. funny .. but face it with the video I posted .. as if you would not throw in the towel anyway .. if that guy kissed you, would that the fight be over before it started? lol


    I'd gladly give him the belt in exchange for more intimate wrestling later LOL icon_cool.gif
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Aug 24, 2008 1:28 AM GMT
    I sympathize... although I'm not competitive in sports (although I enjoy them), I find myself entrenched in community service, and my work takes me to countries where we are illegal. I don't fit either.

    They key is to be involved in things you have an interest in. Homophobia or not connect with what interests you. Our argument is always that we are the same as everyone else, a part of the community. You have to participate in the community activities (like MMA) that you are interested in. Staying integrated in the world community is more important than the gay community. If you are lucky enough to mix them, so be it.

    After that, decide what you want in your sex/personal life. If you are looking for hook-ups, then that is what you should pursue, if you are interested in a relationship then that is what you should pursue. Remember if you are looking for a relationship, you will likely be compromising on body.

    Hey I'm with a Indian (national, not Native American) whose overweight and has no interest in community service or meteorology..... but I love him to pieces.

    Break out of yourself, figure out what you really want, what kind of connections to the gay community, what kind of connections to the MMA community and go from there.
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    Aug 24, 2008 1:28 AM GMT
    makeumyne said - Do you really think it's easy for heterosexual people to fit into the world either? It's not. It's not easy for anyone.

    A bit of a digression...

    When I hear about how hard life is for str8 teenagers...how confused they are...how they are trying to understand themselves..

    I am like OH BOO HOO....ya bunch of pansy str8 kids....

    str8 kids have it all mapped out for them....role models ....societal support ....freedom to talk abou themselves....everything!!!!!

    and they need sympathy?!?!?!?!?!

    you want tough...you want confusing .... try getting thru those teen years as a gay kid in the US...

    ...I'll give ya hard...fucking little cry babies....ya wouldnt last a day ...A FUCKING DAY ...as a gay kid.

    get outta my way...

    it about this time in my hallucination that my face is crimson red and I am slamming str8 teen heads into any hard surface available. ...I'll give ya hard!

    SERENITY NOW! .... icon_lol.gif

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    Aug 24, 2008 1:28 AM GMT
    jprichva saidHey guys, can the mean-ass stuff. Really.

    I've had a chance to communicate with the OP a bit and he's actually a sweet guy, just a little angry about some things in his life which I don't feel it's my place to talk about here, but which I think would piss anyone off.

    This rant of his is one of those "I should have stepped away from the keyboard" moments, to be sure, but he's not at all the way you all seem to think.


    I know. I've read his past posts icon_wink.gif. Methinks we have another drunk poster! icon_lol.gif