I have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life
I started a somewhat similar thread a couple of days ago (http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/267804/), and though it did not invite many responses, the two people who did provided good words of advice. See if what they said doesn't help you a bit.
I am in a similar predicament to yours. Well, I am not to the point wanting to fuck the gay community (although eventually fucking someone in the gay community sounds good to me). But if it helps, it seems like you're not alone. To be honest, when I posted my thread I knew that many people in the gay community have trouble fitting in, but I wanted to know what their experience had been like.
If you're looking for "masculine gay guys" who are into sports, then look around this site. A lot of people describe themselves that way in their profiles, so you may meet someone here.
I just read your profile, and in "Guys I'm Looking To Meet" Well what can I say, there is your problem. Sorry dude, but the gay community is not all MMA fighters. You think everyone should be like you.
No offence, but your post sounds like a spoilt brat. You need to be more open minded. What kind of place are you looking for in the gay community
And there is nothing wrong with guys over 35
What do you mean when you say "I have given up"
Don't go doing anything silly, OK
Your young, things will get better. They always do.
I went thru this back in the mid to late '80s. I hope my experiences described below will give you a perspective that you aren't alone in this. And that what you are struggling with isnt new. At the end, I have a suggestion for you.
I spent years working the bars. I enjoyed them pretty much for socializing. I did meet guys and dated them. But after several years, I never was finding someone that I wanted to partner up with with.
So I decided to break out and try other venues. First, I joined the local gay association and found out it was almost 100% AIDS activists. Fine, but that wasnt my passion, altho I did stay around as a member and assisted.
I tried the DC area sports association. First, volleyball. I had my pic published in The Washington Blade while playing (It was then that I saw how skinny I was and started working out. In the photo, I looked like I had the arm of a spider monkey or something! ... )
Second, I went out with the inaugural horsebacking riding group. Eleven guys showed up....OH BOY ! ! ! On the second outing, there were 3, counting me ....and the other two were LOVERS ! ! ! I was like, "Lord! Ease up. I am trying to meet up with someone. Cut me a break here." I ended up being the only one to take 22 weeks of lessons...including jumping. (I never fell off my horse, nor sat my horse down! ...one guy did that by turning his horse too quickly with no warning to the horse.)
I finally found my niche at DC's country-western bar. I found that dancing...2-Stepping...and socializing with fellow dancers was my bliss. Boy! we had a hell of a good time weekend after weekend. As I have pointed out before on these threads, the dancing served as a kind of filter for the quality of men that one would meet. You had to have some else on the ball than just a desire for another guy's dick to apply yourself to learn how to dance...c-w dancing, btw, is ballroom type dancing, but you dont have to get dressed up for it.
I finally gave the dancing up because of the cigarette smoke. Now smoking in DC bars is illegal. I am getting well enough that I am beginning to really feel the itch to go back.
It sounds like maybe your niche doesnt exist where you are. You might actually have to create your niche. Either start a gay competitive sports group from scratch or hook up with some social type group that already exists and offer to develop such a group in association with that group.
In those days, when I was active with my local gay group, I learned that there was no gay organization for neighboring county, the largest county in Virginia...and right here in northern Virginia. So I took on the task of advertising and holding planning meetings (usually located in libraries) with gay in that county. Then with that gay group in VA's largest county, I went on to organizing local gay groups into a state-wide group.
So maybe figure out a way to advertise your desire to organize such a gay sports group and hold meetings in local library meeting rooms.
What did you expect being gay to be like? A micro version of the hetero world?
We're only 5-10% of the population and face it, majority don't pursue the same things you do. How many straight guys do MMA anyway? Not a lot, so you'd expect the percentage of gay people in it to be proportional. And why oh why do you want an MMA guy as well? You mentioned you liked muscle mass and bigger guys, well, there are plenty of bigger guys here who do martial arts. How about Karate? Judo? etc.
Martial arts is also a homophobic sport, notice you yourself aren't out. How the heck would you know if any of your MMA friends are also gay if you don't even tell them?
You can't change being gay, but you can change your outlook. Don't expect potential romance to just fall into your lap just because you declared yourself gay. If you keep your own criteria that narrow, you'd expect you'd find it harder to find your ideal guy.
I am an optimist when it comes to these difficulties. I know it is difficult to find people you can relate to in the gay community but it is possible. You just cannot give up so soon. I have met a lot of athletic gay men in Toronto through sports leagues (not the bars). You may want to take a bit of a break because it sounds like you are now jaded, at such a young age to.
One thing I know for sure you are always going to be gay so it will not help you to withdraw and become bitter know matter how tempting it may become.
I have yet to meet anyone who is 'like me', let alone another gay guy. Sure, I see something of myself in everyone, but not a recognizable whole. And I don't think that experience is unique.
As I have often said on these forums, when the problem is everyone else chances are the problem is you. Why do you need to meet someone who is into competitive sports, is masculine, like you and under 35? Why do you want to meet you? Being newly out of the closet, I would say you want to meet you because you don't feel comfortable with who you are, particularly your sexuality.
Spend a little more time meeting people gay or straight, exploring others. Hopefully, you will learn a bit more about you in the process. And there is one persons uninformed opinion for you.
If you're looking for someone like you, you're too in love with yourself. Open yourself to people unlike you. You'll probably spend the rest of your life being amazed.
I dont know man, I think you have a personality problem. First you have to accept what you are, I even tried having sex with girls to fix my gay problem and it didnt work, I started to feel good when i realized than being gay is not a problem.
Finding the right guy is not easy but most of the time it gets harder because we make it harder, because we put too many boundries to ourselves, limiting your preference to a sport its kinda self centered, open your eyes dude, the world is full of gay masculine guys if you have more than one door to open along the corridor.
Look at this post right now, im sure uve read all of these comments, and the guys trying to make you feel better cause most of us went through the same, and we want to help you, but theres not help possible for people who dont help them selves. So man, love your self, love what you are, love your life, love the world, and youll get love from a guy you were not even looking for. I might sound a little strict but sorry dude is the truth, correct yourself cause if i were an mma fighter i would never be with a guy who doesnt feel love for himself.
So after being such an ass with you i want you to look at me as a friend since im in this industry too, not the way you might expect but still im in. Im right now working for one of the biggest mma business in montreal, im the webmaster and developer of their website which is in being tested now but not done yet, still you can take a look and smile a little since this is what you like www.xmma.tv this is my little gift to make you see that gay community can be great man, as great as you want it to be
take good care
- carlitos -
pd: the website is just compatible with IE7, Firefox and Safari so this means that the onlyone not compatible is IE6
MunchingZombie said...when the problem is everyone else chances are the problem is you.
Oh this reminds me. Above I mentioned how that photograph of me playing volleyball was shocking to me because of how skinny I was. My thought process was "David, you want a guy with a decent body. Why would someone like that want you when you are so skinny." That is when I went to Sears bough a bench and weight and had at it. Did a decent job, too.
But it wasnt for some years later that I learned things about myself that had I known earlier would have helped me immensely. In particular, I didnt know that I was an introvert and I need "down time" to "recharge my batteries." Had I known that, I might have managed my relationships differently....managed so that I got my "down time" and didnt dump the whole relationship thinking there was something wrong with the relationship....thinking there was something wrong with the relationship because I couldnt stand to be around the guy all the time.
McGay saidIf you're looking for someone like you, you're too in love with yourself. Open yourself to people unlike you. You'll probably spend the rest of your life being amazed.
Of the 383,033 posts on RJ, the one McGay added to this thread has to be the smartest and wisest.
Dont let being gay define who you are...its just a part of you...your sexuality. Its true we are only 5-10% of the population but alot the guys who are into fighting and etc dont do it because they like fucking girls, they do it because they like it.
There are some straight guys that love fashion, interior decorating and dancing, I dont hear them complaining about fitting in.
If you really are into these things, and you dont find many out there like you this could be a perfect opportunity for you to lead the way...to be the example to everyone else that "hey, hes just like us, but gay".
You could also be a mentor to someone else coming up that they can do whatever they want even if they are gay...being gay is just your sexual orientation thats it.
I think you could be a little more open minded and try to appreciate others for how they are and what they are into, but I think that might come as you get older.
I understand your frustration. Being a gay father of 3 living in the bible belt, and being masculine, its not easy finding guys like me. You be who you are and people will love you for it...not because your gay.
ItsMyLife, maybe you are fooling yourself, but maybe you have given up in a good way. Yep, wait till you get that fist kiss from the right guy. You will not remember who you are much less all this frustration you are going through. If you can't accept who other people are, you will never be able to accept who you are and other people won't either. Yep. So shake of the 'druff and be tough, you are not a teenager anymore, but you still have some growing up to do.
Ha Ha! MMA homophobic? How about ultimate fighting? Just wait, you know you want it .. that first kiss from the guy you don't expect ..
XD ROFLMAO The first guy who kissed did it to intimidate the other guy. That turned out sweet though. ROFL
I remember a Muay Thai match(?) where a Malaysian(?) kissed his opponent in an effort to intimidate the other guy. He ended up getting pounded to the floor by his furious homophobic opponent. LOL
Lots of good advice on this page. I want you to think about a few other things as well.
- Do you really think it's easy for heterosexual people to fit into the world either? It's not. It's not easy for anyone.
- Do you really want to date someone like yourself? Do you really think you'd be fun to hang out with in your maudlin state?
- How about you get out there and enjoy your life as a single guy. Don't hide in the closet. If you're open, honest, confident and happy being single, that's precisely when Mr Perfect will sweep you off your feet. Or sweep kick you in the head. Whichever you find most romantic.
For you, none of this is going to come easily. You smell like internalised homophobia, your parents aren't helping. It's time to get some professional counselling.
Sedative saidXD ROFLMAO The first guy who kissed did it to intimidate the other guy. That turned out sweet though. ROFL
I remember a Muay Thai match(?) where a Malaysian(?) kissed his opponent in an effort to intimidate the other guy. He ended up getting pounded to the floor by his furious homophobic opponent. LOL
Yeah I have seen that too .. funny .. but face it with the video I posted .. as if you would not throw in the towel anyway .. if that guy kissed you, would that the fight be over before it started? lol
I've had a chance to communicate with the OP a bit and he's actually a sweet guy, just a little angry about some things in his life which I don't feel it's my place to talk about here, but which I think would piss anyone off.
This rant of his is one of those "I should have stepped away from the keyboard" moments, to be sure, but he's not at all the way you all seem to think.
Sedative saidXD ROFLMAO The first guy who kissed did it to intimidate the other guy. That turned out sweet though. ROFL
I remember a Muay Thai match(?) where a Malaysian(?) kissed his opponent in an effort to intimidate the other guy. He ended up getting pounded to the floor by his furious homophobic opponent. LOL
Yeah I have seen that too .. funny .. but face it with the video I posted .. as if you would not throw in the towel anyway .. if that guy kissed you, would that the fight be over before it started? lol
I'd gladly give him the belt in exchange for more intimate wrestling later LOL
I sympathize... although I'm not competitive in sports (although I enjoy them), I find myself entrenched in community service, and my work takes me to countries where we are illegal. I don't fit either.
They key is to be involved in things you have an interest in. Homophobia or not connect with what interests you. Our argument is always that we are the same as everyone else, a part of the community. You have to participate in the community activities (like MMA) that you are interested in. Staying integrated in the world community is more important than the gay community. If you are lucky enough to mix them, so be it.
After that, decide what you want in your sex/personal life. If you are looking for hook-ups, then that is what you should pursue, if you are interested in a relationship then that is what you should pursue. Remember if you are looking for a relationship, you will likely be compromising on body.
Hey I'm with a Indian (national, not Native American) whose overweight and has no interest in community service or meteorology..... but I love him to pieces.
Break out of yourself, figure out what you really want, what kind of connections to the gay community, what kind of connections to the MMA community and go from there.
makeumyne said - Do you really think it's easy for heterosexual people to fit into the world either? It's not. It's not easy for anyone.
A bit of a digression...
When I hear about how hard life is for str8 teenagers...how confused they are...how they are trying to understand themselves..
I am like OH BOO HOO....ya bunch of pansy str8 kids....
str8 kids have it all mapped out for them....role models ....societal support ....freedom to talk abou themselves....everything!!!!!
and they need sympathy?!?!?!?!?!
you want tough...you want confusing .... try getting thru those teen years as a gay kid in the US...
...I'll give ya hard...fucking little cry babies....ya wouldnt last a day ...A FUCKING DAY ...as a gay kid.
get outta my way...
it about this time in my hallucination that my face is crimson red and I am slamming str8 teen heads into any hard surface available. ...I'll give ya hard!
jprichva saidHey guys, can the mean-ass stuff. Really.
I've had a chance to communicate with the OP a bit and he's actually a sweet guy, just a little angry about some things in his life which I don't feel it's my place to talk about here, but which I think would piss anyone off.
This rant of his is one of those "I should have stepped away from the keyboard" moments, to be sure, but he's not at all the way you all seem to think.
I know. I've read his past posts . Methinks we have another drunk poster!
Sedative saidXD ROFLMAO The first guy who kissed did it to intimidate the other guy. That turned out sweet though. ROFL
I remember a Muay Thai match(?) where a Malaysian(?) kissed his opponent in an effort to intimidate the other guy. He ended up getting pounded to the floor by his furious homophobic opponent. LOL
Yeah I have seen that too .. funny .. but face it with the video I posted .. as if you would not throw in the towel anyway .. if that guy kissed you, would that the fight be over before it started? lol
I'd gladly give him the belt in exchange for more intimate wrestling later LOL
Yeah I bet you wouldn't mind if he gave you the belt .. no, no that one! .. lol
BTW, did you see them smile afterwards? Yeah they looked real intimidated .. lol
try this: read this book... it's not very big, it won't take forever, just think about what Albert Ellis is telling you. any book ny him will give you a fresh perspective on what's irking you so bad. try it.
jprichva saidHey guys, can the mean-ass stuff. Really.
I've had a chance to communicate with the OP a bit and he's actually a sweet guy, just a little angry about some things in his life which I don't feel it's my place to talk about here, but which I think would piss anyone off.
This rant of his is one of those "I should have stepped away from the keyboard" moments, to be sure, but he's not at all the way you all seem to think.
IMHO, after his anger/drunk wears off, I think he really should come back on here and straighten things out a bit. He doesnt need to reveal his private life. But it is a tad annoying to be on this side, go to the trouble to respond to someone's posting and then find out..."well, this really isnt his problem."
It's like crying wolf...next time when someone does bears their angst, people might ignore it, remembering the effort they put forth before and it was a false alarm. ...
briboychicago saidtry this: read this book... it's not very big, it won't take forever, just think about what Albert Ellis is telling you. any book ny him will give you a fresh perspective on what's irking you so bad. try it.
Well I have a couple of questions and these are reasonable ones to ask and I'm not trying to be sarcastic in any way.
Are you comfortable with you? Do you know who you are?
It can be hard to "fit in", but do you really know what would make you fit in or is it just simply an awkwardness that you continue to experience, regardless of the circumstances.
Let me say that I've felt odd in many groups, but I like and am comfortable with who I am. If I can contribute and find an association with a group beneficial, the awkwardness may evaporate... but I still know I'm unique among those assembled.......
I would suggest some self study. When do you feel comfortable? With friends, if so, why do you feel comfortable? I'd try and learn from all this without getting all frustrated. I can appreciate where you are coming from, but don't blame the gay community... there are many I don't relate to either!
I would like to hear more about what you are doing . Please share with us whats going on with you.
Has the gay community done something wrong again for not conforming to someone's masculine wishes? This will be the first time I've seen a macho/masculine person throw a tantrum about about the gay community. With that behaviour, I think it is a perfect fit. You actually *almost* fit in. You just need a bit more wit and lightheartedness ;-)
I'd say it looks like the pressure of you trying to conform to the st8 community and your parent's perception of the gay community that is bothering you. In trying to fit in to the gay community, you've asked that everyone be the same as you. I have been swimming around in THAT community before and I can tell you it is no shopping mall. It is no one-stop shop for groceries, relationships, jobs, medical attention, etc.
No one is pressuring you to fit into the gay community, but you're always welcomed. Thank you for shopping!
ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life
I'm gonna slap the shit out of you! YES, it's hard, but no impossible. I still haven't found MY PLACE. But, I know what I'm looking for. That's a great thing! In either case, it's not about "MY PLACE" it's about being just happy enough to go anywhere and you're happy with yourself. DON'T listen to your family. I was brainwashed into hating men when I was growing up. So much, that my biggest fear wasn't being a "sinner" it was just so scarry to end up with a man. BUT, I figured it all out and I LOVE men! They're assholes - we all are on some level - but the good ones astound me and make me go nutty. If I listed to everyone else I'd be a minister in west Texas with a wife and three kids and finding whores to hook up with on the side as I sink in fear for who I am. DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!!! We'll find our place, until then...there's RealJock!!!
DCEric, this is how I read your last sentence (I swear!):
DCEric said we all bottom ... regardless of sexuality.
I guess I should stop trying to skim through the posts. Or maybe I need to stop thinking about those two fighters that started kissing... I love that clip
I'd like to pose my answer in the form of a song...
The moral? It's no one else's fault but yours. You make the decision to be unhappy or happy, successful or unsuccessful. Stop blaming "the community", whatever that is. Start looking at the real issue: yourself. Take responsibility and do something about it.
Sorry if that was a bit harsh. But, you really do have complete and total control of your life. Seize it.
jprichva saidHey guys, can the mean-ass stuff. Really.
I've had a chance to communicate with the OP a bit and he's actually a sweet guy, just a little angry about some things in his life which I don't feel it's my place to talk about here, but which I think would piss anyone off.
This rant of his is one of those "I should have stepped away from the keyboard" moments, to be sure, but he's not at all the way you all seem to think.
IMHO, after his anger/drunk wears off, I think he really should come back on here and straighten things out a bit. He doesnt need to reveal his private life. But it is a tad annoying to be on this side, go to the trouble to respond to someone's posting and then find out..."well, this really isnt his problem."
It's like crying wolf...next time when someone does bears their angst, people might ignore it, remembering the effort they put forth before and it was a false alarm. ...
Not to add fuel to the fire, but this isn't the first time the OP has vented this way. In the "I need a hero..." thread, for example, many of us reached out to ItsMyLife, but in the end, he wasn't really receptive. Jprichva has more of an insiders' view, so I'll take him at his word that there is more here than meets the eye.
makeumyne said - Do you really think it's easy for heterosexual people to fit into the world either? It's not. It's not easy for anyone.
A bit of a digression...
When I hear about how hard life is for str8 teenagers...how confused they are...how they are trying to understand themselves..
I am like OH BOO HOO....ya bunch of pansy str8 kids....
str8 kids have it all mapped out for them....role models ....societal support ....freedom to talk abou themselves....everything!!!!!
and they need sympathy?!?!?!?!?!
you want tough...you want confusing .... try getting thru those teen years as a gay kid in the US...
...I'll give ya hard...fucking little cry babies....ya wouldnt last a day ...A FUCKING DAY ...as a gay kid.
get outta my way...
it about this time in my hallucination that my face is crimson red and I am slamming str8 teen heads into any hard surface available. ...I'll give ya hard!
SERENITY NOW! ....
Here! Here! try being a gay kid and an ethnic minority; and a short, skinny introverted one at that!
Dream big without the negative thoughts. You'll get what you want. You're light years ahead of me and many others. Heck, I just told my brother last week. I am still trying to find my place and find guys in the gay community with whom I click. I'm still trying to convince my bf he's gay (and we've been together 8 years.) LOL
Don't age yourself too fast with this heavy stuff. Have fun. If you like MMa, do it. Someone who also likes it will come along. I'm guilty of wishing for things too much and finding only disappointment when they don't happen.
You've already found one, small segment of the gay community that shares some of your interests and passions right here on RealJock. Use it and use them to your benefit. Most of these guys are athletic. They are all intelligent. And, they are survivors in a lot of different ways. You are not alone.
Only two years? Only California? Get some more mileage on yourself while letting things happen naturally instead of trying so hard to find your place. Expand your horizons while life happens and don't expect to find anyone who is exactly like you...we are all unique. It's great to have things in common with others but make sure you respect everyone's individuality, including your own. You don't have to be anyone's ideal match just to "fit in" to any one community.
I feel your pain....in.....out and back in again! I never fit in and don't want to. I run my own race and follow no pack. I hike naked alone and take joy in the fact it's not on some stupid cruz ship with so many who think they are the light of the world. I say be at ease and all with fall into place. If not....relaXXX babe when you need to CUM!
I'm glad ItsMyLife posted, because it appears as if this topic resonated for many of us when we were younger and still resonates for others here who perhaps weren't brazen enough to post and publicly air their frustration.
I think there's been a lot of good advice here. It's never easy to find a partner who fits the bill (I have a lot of single straight friends and family), especially for those of us who are - for better and worse - picky.
There's another thread (which I haven't yet read) about "perfection", but a different issue is what we demand of our (potential) partners. Somewhere in my mind I always thought it would be great if he loved football. Someone to go with me to games, to go to the field and play. But really, how important is that in real life? I love the guys on my gay football team, and while all of them have their strengths and weaknesses (as I do) I don't think I'd consider any of them to be boyfriend material (were I single). Football alone isn't enough.
My "compromise" is that I go to see football games with an old high school friend and his kid (and at times other friends, some of whom are gay). I play intramural football on a staight team (to which I'm not out) and also on my gay team. And then I come home to Matt, who does his book club thing, watches Project Runway with some "fag hags", one's husband and another gay guy. I love Matt dearly, but it's also good for us to each do his own thing.
So, getting back to you, my advice is to "diversify". Don't look for One friend to be it all. Even if such a person does exist, he may decide you're too much like him to date, or he may not be your type, or who knows what.
And yeah, you're young. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Don't expect it to arrive all at once in one neatly boxed package. Take it one piece at a time and enjoy the journey.
I do empathize with you. I read this as you're frustrated about having done all of the leg work, and opened yourself up to new things and you're having a hard time meeting people who have interests in common with you. You're looking for instant gratification, but ya know some things just aren't as easy as we want them to be. My suggestion is to find something constructive (not bars, or clubs) and stick with it. You never know who's going to walk in the door, and you may make some friends at the worst. They may not be your "type", or relationship material but there are many types of people in the World who can bring so much to your life in so many ways. Maybe there's a sports league in your area? Maybe search for a group on meetup.com (or is it org) or even start a group and see if anyone replies.
Check it out in relation to the Out games as well. Those will be in Copenhagen next Summer, next gay games are in Cologne, Germany in 2010 so that's 2 opportunities for you to possibly get to meet people who have that interest in common with you. Your niche isn't always going to be right in your back yard. There's a place for you I'm sure.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Do you really think it's gonna be any different if you were straight? Don't give up yet, life is unpredictable and you never know what may happen. My advice is to just live your life and focus on yourself instead of thinking too much into this.
And besides, you came out of the closet for over two years. That's a huge fucking step! Take it from someone who is a year older than you and is still a closet case.
As much as I agree with all the "think positive" approaches so far, my advice is more practical.
Save your money, buy a backpack and rail pass and head off overseas for at least three months. You're a young good looking guy. Stay in hostels in dorm rooms where you will meet other people and be almost forced to get along with them. Tell them your gay early on in the piece. They will not give a shit, and you will find lots of young gay men on your travels who aren't all into the scene.
I think your problem is one of familiarity. You're not into where you live, your parents are bugging you. There is a whole world of people out there. The gay community is a worldwide thing, and varies from country to country. Being on the move will also stop you getting too introspective. Maybe your just not meant for the gay scene where you are.
king2139 saidwell I have same kinda problem here in portland, but I guess there are alot of things going on this town.. well maybe I jst don't know where and when and who. I'm still trying to figure out this but I'm sure I'll find something soon don't give up ! you will be fine ! we are still young!
Reality check time... I don't think this is gay life coming to bite you in the ass I think it's more late adolescence You're only 20 my man from 18 - 21 guys question who they are and where they're going in life it's a tumultuous time and alot of guys act out in dangerous ways
Some people have hit on what you need to do already If you're in school stay there You like martial arts? Keep at it In time you'll find your Niche just keep you mind and eyes open Don't be looking for the right men in bars or clubs cause that'll just disappoint you
GQJock..he is out there and you will find him...just have to look and when it happens it happens...I know how you feel because it is hard for me to find guys that love to run in NJ and I am a compettive runner...keep looking and he will shoe up but till then enjoy the sport you love ....
McGay saidIf you're looking for someone like you, you're too in love with yourself. Open yourself to people unlike you. You'll probably spend the rest of your life being amazed.
I've felt the same way (and still do). Now I've just realized that there's more than one type of gay person, and not all of us are the club hopping, popper taking, pride parade bunnies that the media and our own popular culture protray us to be. IIt's been my experience that many guys on this site get offended if you mention that you can't relate to the gay scene. I guess some people don't realize how diverse we really are.
I've never really fit in...not in school, not in the gay community, nowhere. When I was younger it bothered me, I felt like there was something wrong with me.
Now I realize how lucky I am to stand apart from this group or that. I'm not a clone, I think for myself and have my own thoughts and opinions. This whole 'fiiting in' thing is very highschool, not real life. By not fitting in to one particular group, I can easily experience different ideas and groups of people because I haven't limited my thinking.
Yeah, at your age it can be very frustrating and defeating, but really, it's not that bad. You're slowly coming into your own and you have your whole life to find your place in the wrold.
To ItsMyLife you've got a lot of good advice and insight here and some not so good. I've gone through my life being accused of being everything from too straight to too gay. I'm happiest just being myself. It took a while to realize that. There's nothing wrong with wanting to fix the fuel injection system in my car and then go and try to decide which recording of Turandot I like the best, then doing some more work on my wood turning project, then trying to perfect my Tarte aux poire a Māconnais. Do what makes you happy and the right guy will find you.
As to what jprichva said, I can only attest to his judgment, as sometimes things shared in private cannot and should not be publicly aired and if my own personal issues in this area are any indication, I completely trust that jprichva's judgment is sound and just.
I have met men that although I was really attracted to, discovered that I may have nothing in common with, or that they were horrible or vapid people. This has nothing to do with being gay, This is no different in the gay community than it does in the straight community. It's just that there are fewer of us in the population as a whole.
I came out at 19 and expected to be welcomed with open arms into this world where I'd finally feel at home, loved, and accepted. I spent the first 19 years of my life feeling like an outsider, especially because I grew up in a small town in the Midwest.
I was in for a rude awakening. I tried to adapt and be what I thought people wanted me to be in order to fit in and date.
I finally realized that it's okay to be different, to like the things I like, and that I needed to accept myself. The older I get, the less I care if people share my interests. It's great if they do, but it doesn't diminish the experience for me to enjoy things on my own.
I've also found a lot of straight people don't share my interests, so for me it doesn't have anything to do with people's orientations - it's just that I find things interesting that some people call weird. I get excited about stuff the bores the hell out of other people.
Like Caslon, I also found that I need my alone time or I just withdraw into myself. I can also get grumpy. No matter how much I love someone, I need some time away. When I finally accepted that my relationships greatly improved.
Don't worry about not finding your place within that community. Just be your self, do your thing and engage with it once in a while (if you so wish). I don't go to gay clubs and bars or go to gay socials, etc. But I do have a few gay friends and honestly, close friends are more important than a scene. They know I can't stand what mainstream gay culture is all about and they respect that. I never felt like I had much of a place in any community let alone the gay one. So I just do my thing and even though it's hard to meet like-minded guys to date it doesn't bum me out that I don't fit in. If anything I'm proud of not fitting in. It's like the bridge analogy. If everyone is jumping off a bridge are you going to do it too?
Being different is a gift, the followers have an easier time fitting in but the ones that defy that are the ones that shine.
We also live in a more open society than we had 20+ years ago and it's not necessary to be sequestered in a "gay community" in order to meet other guys. I'd let some of your closer friends at the Mixed Martial Arts Gym know where you stand. One thing I've learned from my experience in the military and in other predominately straight male worlds is that most guys could care less about your sexuality as long as you can hold your own among them. It's all about being a man. You're lucky to be who you are and ultimately, it's a great thing you don't fit in to the mainstream gay community.
And so what, you like dick and ass!! Being attracted to the same sex comes with allot of struggles, but so does life in general. It aint fuckin easy for anybody and you'll encounter harder issues in life than your sexuality. You've already made the first major step in assuring that you'll live a fulfilling life by coming out to those closest to you. In that respect, you're miles ahead of allot of guys like us.
And to wrap this up, the older you get and the more experience you attain you'll realize that in some way, you are a part of a greater community. You just represent a new wave. It's a wave of homo/bi guys who are lucky enough to live in a society where they don't have to be segregated into a sexuality specific community or conform to the roles or stereotypes within it in order to live as a homo/bi guy.
There's a party down the block, you're invited but you don't like the crowd...so throw your own party, even if it's just for you and one friend.
All I have to say is your day will come so get your education on goal and your sport and it will all fit into place but as someone else said you are young and have your life ahead so chin up chook!
We, as gay men, always want to think we're different than the majority of gay men. I have never met any gay man who identifies as one of the pack. This does lend itself to feeling like an outsider.
My advice would be to throw as wide a net out there as you can when making friends. You'll learn alot about people and, as the result, you will become a better person yourself. It's only going to work if you seem genuinely interested in what others have to say/offer. No one is going to want to sit and listen to you go on and on about martial arts. That's so one-dimensional. I kickbox and I'd be ready to bolt for the door after 5 minutes.
If you're truly looking for other similar one-dimensional guys, then you're going to lead a very sad and lonely existence. Basically, you're self selecting for guys into martial arts. Why don't you try self selecting for another characteristic, such as whether or not someone is a good person?
One thing you need to do for sure is cut the self-pity. No one wants to be around someone who is self-involved and bitter. It is just as easy to be happy as it is to be miserable. I always try to project happiness no matter my mood inside. It's not being fake either. It's a conscious effort to be the person I want to be.
My guess is that you've got a case of the blues. It will pass. Good luck to you my friend.
Hey bud, I know this might not be much consolation but just give it some time. My teens and early 20's were by far the worst time of my life. I hated that I was different and never seemed to fit in with anyone anywhere. At that age, a lot of guys are struggling to find their comfort zone. Looking back, there were lots of reasons for my misery but the one that stands out the most was my approach to finding friends. I looked in the wrong places for the wrong guys. When you're younger, it's easy to think that your friends should be a carbon copy of yourself. Now, when I look at the amazing friends I have around me, they're the most diverse group of personalities, interests, opinions, and ages. Sure, a couple are very much like me but the majority are not.
So, just keep your chin up. I promise it gets easier with age. Keep yourself open to all the people around you...just because they might not be in to MMA when you meet them doesn't mean you can't turn them on to it
We're glad ItsMyLife brought this up; many of you guys have brilliant ideas and statements about not fitting in.
We still, after all these years, feel we don't fit, but try a little every day. Some days it feels like all is right with the world and we are really belonging, other days we feel like castaways on a rather deserted atoll. That's OK though, we simply keep knocking on doors and eventually one opens, even if just for a short time, and the feeling is wonderful.
So I guess what I'm trying to say ItsMyLife, is that even when you are with a significant other, there is still a desire to be part of something larger. We found being the type of couple we are also invites, or seems to invite, forms of ostracism or sensations of isolation described in this topic.
To stave off any negative contemplation, we try thinking of ourselves as unique, but then become self-critical thinking ourselves as appearing holier-than-thou, as someone mentioned earlier. Ugh. The worst thing we consider ourselves would be that!
ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life
You really need to stop wallowing in all of this and just get out there and live your life and let things fall into place naturally. When I first moved to L.A. (I think I was 23) I didn't know anyone, had no idea West Hollywood was the center of the gay universe, and inadvertently moved right in the middle of it. I felt terribly alone, confused about my sexuality, guilt-ridden over it, afraid of friends & family finding out, etc. It's a tough age for everybody, no matter how you shake it, and all this teen angst type feeling sorry for yourself is not exactly going to make others want to be around you either. I was extremely shy back then, and it took me nearly a year to finally meet a niche of friends and start to feel like I belonged. Hell, after 20 years living there, there were still times when I didn't feel as though I belonged there or fit in. Bottom-line: L.A. is a tough town, and you have to have a thick skin and be up to the task of creating your own niche or it will swallow you up. I hate to be blunt, but you really just need to grow up and focus on yourself, getting a good job, maybe involving yourself in activities or volunteer stuff that gets you out in the community meeting people...the rest will fall into place. The negative energy you are creating around yourself is likely only going to push others away. Be positive, and most importantly, be open-minded to meeting different people of all ages, shapes, and types who will enhance your experience and help you grow. It's a process, and it doesn't happen overnight. Accept that, and just keep movin' forward.
Im in Judo, Have been since I was 8 years old. Its been over 20 years. 5 years ago I came out and in doing so I became the target of intense ridicule and had my jaw, arm, right leg and ribs broken because if it. I went thru hell those 5 years for my decision. Judo teaches simplicity and honesty in that simplicity. I was trying to meld all that I was learning especially in my life. Melding the gay part was hard to say the least and Im still doing it BUT after all that the very people I sought acceptance from still to this day don't accept me. I've moved on. Im still a member of the local dojo and attend 3 nights weekly. Recently about 2 years ago a large amount of judoken/students moved into the district. I found out that 4 of the 10 were gay and /open out. Two of which belonged to the local police department. It was great as there now were people who were like me. Funny though after 6 mnths and after getting to know one another were good acquaintances but friends no. Which brings me to the point. There are a lot of guys out there just like me. Paid the dues, struggled to fit in yet on the outer edge of the circle like feral dogs...wanting to engage but weary of the physical attacks and attitude. Im like your younger brother, the kid next door, the grunt down the hall, just your everyday kind of guy who works, pays the bills and my own way who just does my own thing. I don't fit in with the "rest" of whats gay here BUT Im not chuckin' it all away. I have made friends both straight and gay. I live a very "regular" life and a good person. Word of advice.....give yourself time. Finish school, get your job and then cultivate those relationships that will mean something to you. Know that not everybody is going to "click" and that you''ll have tons of "acquaintances" and a few of those choice friends. Until that bf/partner for life comes along enjoy the ride and every experience the universe has to give to you. Wanting it right now is natural, but waiting for it and knowing its right for you is the test. Basically thats how it goes. So, what am I doing now. Same, trained with a few of the guys who left for the Beijing Olympics....made my bid years ago but didn't have the umph to pass the trials.I've met a few guys and a few with benefits but nothing really to commit to. My circle of friends consistantly enlarges with me opening up to more than jock and athletes. My sensei/teacher took me aside last year to tell me how much he admired me and how I carried myself even though went thru all that physicaI crap years ago with members from the dojo. He admires my honesty and while he doesnt quite accept my life path he does see my commitment to it and respect me for it. I love my life, its the one I was given. Learn to love yours or at least get on that path..things will work out.
ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life
I am with you. I feel same way.. I am comming from conservative family. I am single from 6 yrs. Gay guys are acting like very unreal... they do not want one life patner. They do not have nothing to give except hurt and drama. I did research whole summer I think I am very much agree with your point. Gay life curse.
ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life
Dude, you need a reality check. Grow the hell up. Lots of masculine gay guys, into sports, competitive, whatever everywhere. Not "One Fucking Guy"? In all of L.A.? Are you freaking kidding me??? You must be walking around Los Angeles with your eyes (and mind) closed. Quit your whining and maybe someone will want to be your bud.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
. Methinks we have another drunk poster! 
