Upset/Sad/Confused

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    Sep 22, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    Well it's probably well known here that I'm not out to anyone yet, but in recent weeks I was feeling a bit more confident to come out and was actually thinking that maybe this would be the year or early next year. I was really waiting for my mom to get better. So I spend some time with her and well, she hasn't been well for quite some time but she's gotten more religious and whatnot, making more friends and getting better with her other friends who were more religious. Now I don't have a problem with that but it's just, I can't help feel that when I come out she'll be a wreck and get sick again and/or it might affect her relationships with her friends.

    Aside from that, when I start to feel like maybe my family (well the rest of them) might be able to accept me they'll say stuff that's anti-gay even though they'd claim to not "discriminate." Right now there's this popular saying in my country right now "stop like man" and it pisses me off that people get away with stupid stuff like that here. I mean, majority of people support it and the rest aren't even bothered by it. My brothers like that saying and use it all the time with stuff.

    Right now I just feel a mix of bad emotions. It's like all of this courage and acceptance for myself, to not be afraid to embrace myself for who I am isn't going to get me beyond there because I constantly think how it'll affect my family. I know most people will say "who cares, it's about yourself" and yes, my family may have been really messed up, but I still don't want to be the type of person to let something so insignificant cause a huge rift between me and them.

    Anyway I just want to thank you guys, the ones that talk to me and message me whenever I feel down or whatever. And the ones that may not know they help me by just posting pics of you guys being happy or doing normal stuff as if you don't even care. It reminds that one day I can be like you all and be happy.
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    Sep 22, 2012 4:26 AM GMT
    You are young, and right now you are having a bad time dealing with you feelings.... don't feel pressured to come out. You will when you are ready, and not a minute sooner! . Of course you want to be accepted by your family. Who doesn't! One day at a time bud, and wishing you strength! icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 22, 2012 4:27 AM GMT
    * does a melt-down*

    Mark, you dear guy, I'm going to quote this, " but I still don't want to be the type of person to let something so insignificant cause a huge rift between me and them. "

    I think it's important to remember that though many say being gay is a small part of them, so is a brain weighing only about 3 pounds or so. icon_wink.gif

    I guess what I'm saying is that it may be considered by many a small part, but it is as vital as that organ called a heart, because it's all about who you love and how you love them.
    Love is so underrated these days, which makes me feel bad.

    warmly,

    -Doug of meninlove
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    Sep 22, 2012 5:06 AM GMT
    ..Mark.. i think what you are doing here is really trying to "insert" what would happen if you came out into this whirlwind going on around you...

    I'll leave you with a few pespectives..!

    1) You are now 21 and your life more than ever is now your responsibility!
    Coming out is about YoU and no one else..!
    ...You have the choice to come out whenever you want..just be prepared to deal with the consequences!

    2) The right time in your mind... might not be now.."So till then"..get in touch with yourself..Keep making "You" a better person.

    3) Your life will improve significantly if you were to put some distance between you and your family..Just till you get your head together..Moving out perhaps?

    4)..It's not really fair to be emersing yourself in everyone else's content while you are miserable!..Start making solid plans that will benefit YoU!

    Did those help??
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    Sep 22, 2012 5:07 AM GMT
    I think everyone has cleared it up pretty well. Bottom line, Mark: you rock, man! You shouldn't let anything get you down. Just understand that these problems will be very small and insignificant when you look back on them in the future.

    Much love,

    Josh
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    Sep 22, 2012 7:19 PM GMT
    Thank you guys for the responses. I agree that right now I should be just working on bettering myself and I have been. Just sometimes it feels like there are two me's as weird as that sounds. One is like the old me, the one that wants things to just stay as they are and not move forward with my life and the other me is the one that wants to get out of here, see the world and move on from what I've known for the last 21 years.

    The thing is, I'm not angry at either of them because I feel like they're both important at making me, well me. But the thing is one of them is not out and the other will be, and the way I see it will be me coming out and meaning that I'll never get a chance to reconnect with what used to be in my life because those people and places wouldn't want me back. It's kind of like when people leave home to go to university and they don't come back home because they're making it on their own, but they can come back. The way I see it is that with coming out, I more than likely will not be able to go back ever and I want to. I want to still be with my family and friends, but being gay will severe the ties badly.

    To Doug with the love aspect. I agree that it's underrated and that people just don't care about it really that much anymore. What I'm hoping is that when they see me with a guy I clearly am in love with, that may change the way they see things... of course, I'm sure they'll make all those "ew!" sounds when we do anything together, even just hug.

    Anocxu, thank you for what you said. Those things do run through my mind, but it's like I will feel so alone moving on from them. It's all I've ever known, my family. We had a crazy, messed up life together but all of that ended up making it that we're all we have... I just don't want to lose it permanently or affect their lives.

    Hopefully ten years from now I'll remember this and think, "why did I even care?" Thank you guys for the help!