Coming Out, Does The Worst Case Scenario Ever Happen?

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    Sep 23, 2012 5:27 PM GMT
    Hello RJers. You may have seen, me around the forums but this is my first time posting a new topic (Hurray for meicon_biggrin.gif ) So I like video games and long walks on the beach .... whoops wrong section to do thisicon_lol.gif

    I was hoping to get some input on something, specifically coming out. Unfortunately I am not in a position to come out to my family, since I am still financially dependent on them, but I think about it everydayicon_sad.gif. One of the concepts that always pops in my mind, is "What if the worst case scenarios happens?"
    When I was in a college English class, we had to present social topics that were highly debated, and one group did gay marriage. They had video's, speakers, it was very well done and looking back it cleared up alot of things in my head.
    But one of the speakers said something that still shakes me to my core. It was something along the line of:
    When I came out to my mother she was furious. We didn't talk for a very long time. Eventually we started talking again, but to this day she still feels the need to remind me that I'm going to burn in hell for what I am. (He was eaily in his 70s maybe early 80s)
    Needless to say she was a "devoted religous woman" (Or religious nut if you prefer, I'm just trying to be niceicon_biggrin.gif).
    Obviously, they were for gay marriage, so they wanted a wow factor that stuck in the minds of the audience and showed how the opposition can be cruel at times.

    So my question to all you good forumers is this, Has this ever happend to you, or someone you know personally? (No friend of a friend, I don't trust thoseicon_confused.gif ) Do some parents never get over it? Have you ever completely lost a relationship just because you told them you were gay? Do people pretend to get over it then just stay in your life to remind you that being gay is "a sin?" Is this something that has happened on mutltiple occasions, or was it one of those rare cases? I just want to know, specifically from those of you who have a religous family, how did they take it? Has it ever been this bad? Maybe worst?

    My mom is religous, but not fanatical, so I would hope she wouldn't react this bad. She reads the bible goes to church when she can, tries to live by higher standards, etc. However she has expressed disgust in anything gay (loves glee but always makes a point to say how disgusting the gay characters areicon_rolleyes.gif.)

    Thanks for reading, and hopefully responding.icon_smile.gif

    Update: Okay, so I appreciate everyone's advice, but an idea that keeps coming up is having a support network. Well, my mother and brother is all the support network I have right now. So if I don't have a support network do I still deal with it the same as if I did have a support group?
    This may sound stupid, but any ideas how to make friends for a support network? I don't get out much so I've never made many friends. How did you make the majority of your current friends? Work? Online? Bars? Gym?
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    Sep 23, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    So OP.. technically you are using this thread to prepare yourself for the worst..
    You seem like a very nice guy..i have seen your posts around the forums..i will tell you... It's gets better when you worry less about what your family thinks...!

    ...Be the best person you can be...Gain your independence....Come out when you see fit...hope for the best..prepare for the worst...
    ...Once you get over this fear..it opens the door to new paths... icon_wink.gif
    Hugz.. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 23, 2012 8:52 PM GMT
    Showing WaytoDawn some love...Bump!!
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    Sep 23, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidSo OP.. technically you are using this thread to prepare yourself for the worst..
    You seem like a very nice guy..i have seen your posts around the forums..i will tell you... It's gets better when you worry less about what your family thinks...!

    ...Be the best person you can be...Gain your independence....Come out when you see fit...hope for the best..prepare for the worst...
    ...Once you get over this fear..it opens the door to new paths... icon_wink.gif
    Hugz.. icon_biggrin.gif


    Thanks for the input, love and support Anocxu. You're right I am preparing for the worst, as I like to say (and as you said) hope for the best prepare for the worst.
    I've always wanted my independence, but I feel like if everything goes wrong, I could lose everything. I don't have many (basically any) friends, so if I lose my family, I feel like I would be completely alone in this world. And that thought scares me more than telling my family I'm gay. I know who I am, and I think of myself as a generally good person, but my family may not see it that way, just because I'm gay. Being hated by people you love the most is one of the worst kinds of pain in the world.
    Eventually I will be able to accept whatever happens but for right now, it still scares the heck out of me.
    Thanks again for all the support Anocxu.
  • hanzo83

    Posts: 457

    Sep 24, 2012 12:11 AM GMT
    Well I read about some horror stories online but the only out gay person I know of is my 3rd cousin. He's kind of fem so I don't see how his daddy and brothers didn't know it. Apparently he came out to them but I knew he was gay the first time I met him years ago lol. They treat him just the same and his daddy even still helps him out financially. He's 27.

    My sister is pretty close with him and he just had his boyfriend meet her and his daddy recently. My sister was not all that cool with people being gay but she accepts him just the same as she always did so that lets me know that she would be cool with knowing about me. Now what I'm really anxious to hear is my mama's reaction when she finds out about him lol.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Sep 24, 2012 12:58 AM GMT
    Parents have one mission in life and that is to fuck up their kids lives and keep them in their place.

    Conan, when he was still doing the Conan O show, said his mother asked him, "If you're such a big star why haven't you been on the Tonight Show" when he was on TV in the same timeslot as the Tonight Show.

    My mother still irks me be asking where I got my clothes, or any other shit, and I'm old enough to be your father.

    Leave the coming out to family for the last step in the process. You'll have the support, in your mind, of all of the positive experiences of coming out to close friends, then aquantances and coworkers, before you tackle mom.

    By then, you'll be ready to say, fuck you mom if you can't love your son for who he is. She'll crash and burn as all moms do. They love unconditionally. Dads, not so much, but they come around eventually.

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    Sep 24, 2012 1:14 AM GMT
    I live in the south and most of my friends that have came out to their families that live in rural areas have had bad experiences. A few got kicked out. My cousin and his parents did not talk for a year. My parents are not that unlike the my friends parents. Therefore, I have decided to wait to tell them until I am entirely independent. Currently I am in Grad school and being independent is possible but also very difficult. I would wait until you can make it on your own without a doubt before telling. I also agree telling friends and people who are more accepting will help a ton. I have an aunt that knows and is super loving about the entire thing. It is also bad if they just discover it on there own. Had that happen to a friend as well. Whatever happens, Best of Luck!
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    Sep 24, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    If you have come out to friends and have a support network, then anytime is the right time after that. You are an adult and being gay is a fact of life. The sooner you tell them, the sooner they start the process to getting over whatever they have to get over. If it takes them a few weeks or months in a more severe case to "come around" to you coming out then why not do this sooner. It will take the same time whether you tell them now or in a few weeks, months, years (hope its sooner). Coming from religious parents, I had my mom ask me (seriously) after she had consulted with a friend, ask if I was possessed. It happens, I didn’t pay any attention to it and the first few weeks after coming out I answered their never ending questions and often dumb remarks, but I never made it a big deal which I’m sure helped to lessen their emotional response. If you have supportive friends or siblings (I had both), it can really help your parents along.

    Best of luck
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    Sep 24, 2012 1:41 AM GMT
    hanzo83 saidWell I read about some horror stories online but the only out gay person I know of is my 3rd cousin. He's kind of fem so I don't see how his daddy and brothers didn't know it. Apparently he came out to them but I knew he was gay the first time I met him years ago lol. They treat him just the same and his daddy even still helps him out financially. He's 27.

    My sister is pretty close with him and he just had his boyfriend meet her and his daddy recently. My sister was not all that cool with people being gay but she accepts him just the same as she always did so that lets me know that she would be cool with knowing about me. Now what I'm really anxious to hear is my mama's reaction when she finds out about him lol.


    Its great that your family is accepting your cousin. I wish I had a gay family member that way they wouldn't be as hard to deal with when I come out. Hopefully, like your family, they will accept it and move on.
  • MrPapo317

    Posts: 515

    Sep 24, 2012 1:43 AM GMT
    Being in the process myself to coming out to my parents, knowing that i have friends who support me helps a lot. My advice as with the others is start with your friends. That way you can see how many of them really support you. Still you have to do it when you feel the time is right.
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    Sep 24, 2012 1:49 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidParents have one mission in life and that is to fuck up their kids lives and keep them in their place.

    Conan, when he was still doing the Conan O show, said his mother asked him, "If you're such a big star why haven't you been on the Tonight Show" when he was on TV in the same timeslot as the Tonight Show.

    My mother still irks me be asking where I got my clothes, or any other shit, and I'm old enough to be your father.

    Leave the coming out to family for the last step in the process. You'll have the support, in your mind, of all of the positive experiences of coming out to close friends, then aquantances and coworkers, before you tackle mom.

    By then, you'll be ready to say, fuck you mom if you can't love your son for who he is. She'll crash and burn as all moms do. They love unconditionally. Dads, not so much, but they come around eventually.



    Wow, thats not exactly how I would describe a parent's job desciptionicon_eek.gif. I guess some moms just can't let go though.
    Personally, coming out to my mom is what I care about the most. I don't really have plans to come out to friends (since I don't have many close friends. If they're close then yeah I'll tell them) or co-workers unless they ask or it should be stated. I'm not the type to write it on my forehead for everyone to see. If they ask I'll answer truthfully, but no real reason to tell them in my opinion.icon_confused.gif

    icon_eek.gifI don't think I would say those exact words to my mom (it would probably give her a heart attack) but I see what you mean.

    As for my father ... I honestly don't care what he thinks. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Sep 24, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    mtguy333 saidI live in the south and most of my friends that have came out to their families that live in rural areas have had bad experiences. A few got kicked out. My cousin and his parents did not talk for a year. My parents are not that unlike the my friends parents. Therefore, I have decided to wait to tell them until I am entirely independent. Currently I am in Grad school and being independent is possible but also very difficult. I would wait until you can make it on your own without a doubt before telling. I also agree telling friends and people who are more accepting will help a ton. I have an aunt that knows and is super loving about the entire thing. It is also bad if they just discover it on there own. Had that happen to a friend as well. Whatever happens, Best of Luck!


    Thanks mtguy33. I definitely want to be financially independent if something like this happens. I don't have many people to tell besides my mom. Maybe my brother or aunts, but I'm not close enough with my aunts, and my brother is a wild card that could make it worst or better. I honestly doubt they will find out on their own, though it is possible, though still unlikely. With everyone telling me to come out to friends and other family first, it makes me wish I had friends or other family I could be close with.
    Again, thanks for the advice.
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    Sep 24, 2012 2:04 AM GMT
    rew_ftw saidIf you have come out to friends and have a support network, then anytime is the right time after that. You are an adult and being gay is a fact of life. The sooner you tell them, the sooner they start the process to getting over whatever they have to get over. If it takes them a few weeks or months in a more severe case to "come around" to you coming out then why not do this sooner. It will take the same time whether you tell them now or in a few weeks, months, years (hope its sooner). Coming from religious parents, I had my mom ask me (seriously) after she had consulted with a friend, ask if I was possessed. It happens, I didn’t pay any attention to it and the first few weeks after coming out I answered their never ending questions and often dumb remarks, but I never made it a big deal which I’m sure helped to lessen their emotional response. If you have supportive friends or siblings (I had both), it can really help your parents along.

    Best of luck


    Again with the support network icon_sad.gif. I wish I could tell them soon, but my lack of a support network and financial independence tells me it is an unwise decision. And I doubt they will accept that it is "just a fact of life" (My mom was watching something that said being gay is a temptation that we must overcome, so she will probably think along these lines even if I do tell her)
    When I do come out I do want to make sure I give them space so they can think about it. Telling them now wouldn't have that perk. I guess I should make sure that they know I'm willing to answer any questions they may have. I guess playing it low-key would be a good idea though.
    Thanks for the ideas and sharing.
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    Sep 24, 2012 2:13 AM GMT
    MrPapo317 saidBeing in the process myself to coming out to my parents, knowing that i have friends who support me helps a lot. My advice as with the others is start with your friends. That way you can see how many of them really support you. Still you have to do it when you feel the time is right.


    Thanks for the advice MrPapo317. Starting with friends sounds good. I just need to get some friends first.
    Again, thanks.
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    Sep 24, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    Wazzup WaytoDawn..?...So i really am getting a grip of your perspective..and i really feel for you!..So coming out to you is a major gamble.!
    ..It's not very easy to lose people that love you..unless you really ..really hurt them..!
    ..Being gay is not about your family... If and when you are ready to come out...Your family needs to understand this is not a choice...You have bearing this burden most your life...if they want to continue loving you.... they have to accept you!

    ..Coming out to a religeous family is tough...but the bible repeatedly makes references to "unconditional love"..this is where your family will have to practice what they preach!

    ...So Dawn..till this happens....Again i plead with you to keep moving forward with your life....persue your dreams..be the best person you can be...At the end of the day...if everyone abandons you..You will still have ...."You"...i wish you the best..

    Hugz
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    Sep 25, 2012 4:27 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidWazzup WaytoDawn..?...So i really am getting a grip of your perspective..and i really feel for you!..So coming out to you is a major gamble.!
    ..It's not very easy to lose people that love you..unless you really ..really hurt them..!
    ..Being gay is not about your family... If and when you are ready to come out...Your family needs to understand this is not a choice...You have bearing this burden most your life...if they want to continue loving you.... they have to accept you!

    ..Coming out to a religeous family is tough...but the bible repeatedly makes references to "unconditional love"..this is where your family will have to practice what they preach!

    ...So Dawn..till this happens....Again i plead with you to keep moving forward with your life....persue your dreams..be the best person you can be...At the end of the day...if everyone abandons you..You will still have ...."You"...i wish you the best..

    Hugz


    Hey Anocxu, its nice to know that at least someone feels for meicon_smile.gif. I hope they understand its not a choice and see the burden I've been carrying, but in their anger I'm afaid they may forget it. I'm thinking that when I come out I'll write a letter to read to them that way everything gets said.
    I've thought about using passages from the bible, but I'm afaid this will make them mad more than anything. It shouldn't since they are religious, but in anger people get irrational.
    I've really got no choice but to continue moving forward. But even the biggest accomplishments aren't as enjoyable when you have something like this always in the back of your mind.
    Thanks again Anocxu
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    Sep 25, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    Oh I hear ya'..It's really such an awkward irritating stance..You'll process 5000 thoughts in a day..and 2500 of them are about being gay...

    ..The main reason i am so concerned for you is you have this fear that i think if not handled properly could really hurt you..!

    ...Perspectives...
    -> You are not the first gay man on the planet in this situation..Give yourself a little wiggle room for contentment.

    -> There might be a part of you that still thinks being gay is wrong..if you could figure out some ways how to appease this line of thinking..you'll feel more comfortable till you decide to come out.

    -> Time to gain some inner strenght.. You are a gay man..that will never change..you are human..you were created by God above...You have the right to a long happy loving life as long as You chose that path...Never let anything or anyone make you feel differently..

    Hugz
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Sep 25, 2012 5:59 PM GMT
    It happened to me, to a degree. Half my family now wants nothing to do with me. So it can happen, but by at I've heard, it's rare.
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    Sep 26, 2012 6:34 AM GMT
    Anocxu saidOh I hear ya'..It's really such an awkward irritating stance..You'll process 5000 thoughts in a day..and 2500 of them are about being gay...

    ..The main reason i am so concerned for you is you have this fear that i think if not handled properly could really hurt you..!

    ...Perspectives...
    -> You are not the first gay man on the planet in this situation..Give yourself a little wiggle room for contentment.

    -> There might be a part of you that still thinks being gay is wrong..if you could figure out some ways how to appease this line of thinking..you'll feel more comfortable till you decide to come out.

    -> Time to gain some inner strenght.. You are a gay man..that will never change..you are human..you were created by God above...You have the right to a long happy loving life as long as You chose that path...Never let anything or anyone make you feel differently..

    Hugz


    Thanks for the concern Anocxu, but don't worry about me. I've been through alot. I've been to the deepest low in human nature and came back stronger than ever (For many a reason. Mostly because I lost all faith in adults, and human beings as a whole. Mostly because I was hurt by people who claimed to be righteous, and I thought I could trust)
    I've thought about this thing long and hard enough to cover almost every argument and reason for and against it. Religion, morals, you name it. Yet I still haven't found the right answer.
    After people saying being gay was a sin for most of my life, i do find that the only reason I'm in this mess is because I feel guilty. Even though I disagree with them, its always in the back of my mind.
    I do believe I was made this way for a reason. Maybe to show people that being gay is not something to hate? I'm starting to think everything happens for a reason. But if I can find happiness, with another man, at the end of all of this then I'm willing to fight for it.
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    Sep 26, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    Medjai saidIt happened to me, to a degree. Half my family now wants nothing to do with me. So it can happen, but by at I've heard, it's rare.


    I'm sorry to hear that Medjaiicon_sad.gif, but thanks for sharing it, even if it was hard. The only plus about the whole situation, is that you find out who loves you unconditionally and who loves you only when you fit into their image of life.
    Hopefully you're right about this being rare though.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Sep 26, 2012 6:46 AM GMT
    WaytoDawn said
    Medjai saidIt happened to me, to a degree. Half my family now wants nothing to do with me. So it can happen, but by at I've heard, it's rare.


    I'm sorry to hear that Medjaiicon_sad.gif, but thanks for sharing it, even if it was hard. The only plus about the whole situation, is that you find out who loves you unconditionally and who loves you only when you fit into their image of life.
    Hopefully you're right about this being rare though.


    Yeah, people claim that's the silver lining. Doesn't make things any better though.

    I've heard too many success stories to believe my situation is anything other than rare. You'll be fine if you take the time to do it right.
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    Sep 26, 2012 1:27 PM GMT
    I think you'll be just fine.... You have a systematic way of processing details.. I'm wishing you the best X 1000...
    "Take life by the balls"..or grab someone else's.. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 27, 2012 10:43 PM GMT
    Thanks Anocxu and everyone else for your support. Anyone else got anything to say before the thread officially dies?
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    Sep 27, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    I dunno.. i think we covered everything..!!
    Oh.. if and when you come out to your parents..
    Make sure you are dressed as a Man..!!
    I learned the hard way..icon_eek.gif

    0.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2012 11:39 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidI dunno.. i think we covered everything..!!
    Oh.. if and when you come out to your parents..
    Make sure you are dressed as a Man..!!
    I learned the hard way..icon_eek.gif

    0.jpg


    Hahaha, yeah thats probably out of the question icon_lol.gif