Just came out to my mom...help :(

  • ALj20

    Posts: 7

    Sep 27, 2012 11:32 AM GMT
    Hi guys,

    Last night, after my nth date with a friend of mine, I felt really bad...bad that I keep lying to everyone I know just to meet this special someone I have for a date...

    I feel like it's unfair, especially to my parents, that I keep lying to them...unfair for myself, 'cause I'm starting to live a double life which is hard for me to do...and unfair to the person I'm dating, because how would he know the real me, if I'm hiding him from my normal life...

    So I gathered up the courage to come out of my mom this morning, saying "Mom, I really don't want to keep lying to you guys...mom, I'm gay...and for the past few weeks that I've been going out, I've just been with a friend of mine I'm dating atm..." - she smiled a bit, then waterworks started...but she was about to go to work that time so we kinda stopped at that...

    I think she took it well, but then she just called me a while ago saying not to tell my dad for a while, and that she will "interrogate" me when we have the time...she keeps asking me if I'm sure, and if "that guy I'm going out with made me do it and is just playing a prank".

    Guys, I'm scared. Scared of what things she's gonna ask me. Tbh, I really don't want to make this a big deal since everything's the same for me - I still want to be a doctor, I still want to have kids, I still want to be me...the only difference is that they know me a bit more and that I have guys to bring home after a date instead of girls...

    And I really don't want to get emotional too... icon_sad.gif

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    Sep 27, 2012 11:52 AM GMT
    Any close friends who know? if possible they can be there for you during the "interrogation"

    Otherwise you just won't know what to expect until it happens. And believe it or not your mom is just an anxious as you are in my opinion. I know its pretty tough to do at this moment but you should chillax brotha. She's trying to do the same thing to know how to approach you later.
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    Sep 27, 2012 12:31 PM GMT
    OP you'll be ok..If your mom had a major problem with your sexuality...Ohhh..trust me...You would know.. icon_wink.gif

    ..Chill out...just try to relax as much as you can..she called and said don't tell your dad yet... Big indicator that she want's things to go smoothly...!!

    RELAX icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 27, 2012 12:33 PM GMT
    Not a lot you can do, just oblige your mother and see where it goes. Sounds like she may be going into protective mode, perfectly normal for a mother, so let her do it, her way of participating in this with you. Be patient with her, and assure her of your safety & maturity, and your certainty that you are indeed gay.

    I'm not sure what she may have heard & understood about gays, possibly that being gay is a choice. In the long run she probably thinks being straight would be better for you, and then there's the issue of whether you have any brothers or sisters who would give her grandchildren. Hence her motivation to want you to prove to her that you aren't mistaken about being gay, that it's not a confused phase that meeting a "nice girl" won't set right.

    What else do you fear she might ask you or do?
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    Sep 27, 2012 12:40 PM GMT
    When you talk to her I would make it a point to look as casual as possible. People tend to feed off the emotions of others. If you're a wreck and outwardly scared and anxious, she will be too. Just answer all her questions in a matter of fact way and things should be ok. You most likely want her on your "side" when telling your dad though. So take her advise and wait until she works through it. Having her around for future coming out discussions is going to be invaluable. Good luck and let us know how you make out.
  • Road89

    Posts: 104

    Sep 27, 2012 1:06 PM GMT
    It Get's Better! Hold onto that message for as long as you can. Don't let anything stop you, don't let anything pull you down. Keep your chin up and keep pressing on, and enjoy life. When i told my mother ( who is Clergy) she flipped out - If you have ever seen prayers for Bobby, that's pretty much my story accept, I'm still alive and my mother is still totally turned off by it. As of now, because I am not out on my own and not (yet) independent enough to sustain a life away fro my family ( mostly because of the timing of my coming out) I have been "re-closeted". I still date and everything, but I am like a Phantom about it all, lol. I will say that living, in general has gotten better, but i had had to sacrifice, and i know, soon, everything will be much better and I will be able to just be all of who I really am. if you want more of my story, inbox me and I'll share but, for now, don't worry about holding the cat down, it's already out of the bag, lol. Your mother will cry, you may cry as well. Both of you may not know how to handle this so be strong for her, and not only tell her you're no different, show her as well. You have very nice goals set for yourself - achieve them with all of your being, and don't for a second doubt yourself. You'll be alright - no matter what!

    ~Road
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    Sep 27, 2012 1:31 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidOP you'll be ok..If your mom had a major problem with your sexuality...Ohhh..trust me...You would know.. icon_wink.gif

    ..Chill out...just try to relax as much as you can..she called and said don't tell your dad yet... Big indicator that she want's things to go smoothly...!!

    RELAX icon_biggrin.gif


    BINGO!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    One time my mother bought a new dress and put it on and she asked me, what do you think of this new dress. And I told her, I don't know, I've never seen you wear anything like that before. Let's see how it looks with those shoes.
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    Sep 27, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Seiden saidWhen you talk to her I would make it a point to look as casual as possible. People tend to feed off the emotions of others. If you're a wreck and outwardly scared and anxious, she will be too.


    ^^^^This +1

    Hang in there, man. icon_smile.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 27, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    keep telling yourself when you are talking to her ... 'keep a cool head, this is just as hard for her as it is for me' and do your best not to get emotional ... the more mature you treat the situation the more mature you will be treated .... and remember this is real life, not a tv commercial or soap opera
  • CTHS

    Posts: 135

    Sep 27, 2012 2:39 PM GMT
    It will be a year ago in October when I told my mom that I way gay. AT first she took it well and said it was probably just a phase I was going through. After she realized that I had this whole secret, gay life she flipped. My parents are very conservative christians and to them, being gay is wrong. It has taken them a year but I can finally talk to them about certain things. People have always told me that it would just take time for them to accept it... I dont think my parents will ever accept it, but they have learned to deal with it. Your parents might be in shock at first and the best advice I can give to you is to show them that you are the same person they raised. Show them that the person you choose to date didnt change you in anyway... One thing my parents told me way that I was pushing the topic too much and shoving it in their faces. Maybe try not to do that until they are more comfortable.
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    Sep 27, 2012 2:40 PM GMT
    theantijock saidOne time my mother bought a new dress and put it on and she asked me, what do you think of this new dress. And I told her, I don't know, I've never seen you wear anything like that before. Let's see how it looks with those shoes.


    icon_wink.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Sep 27, 2012 2:41 PM GMT
    Communication is everything. Your mom is probably filled with all kinds of emotions right now running the gamut from fear, to guilt, to uncertainty and confusion. Like most parents, she will need time to process this revelation and come to terms with it. My suggestion is to stay within your own comfort zone while at the same time being as open to your mom's own questions and concerns that you can be. Keep those lines of communication open.
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    Sep 27, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    you will be ok. just keep in mind that you had all the same questions at one point, youve just come to realize the answers on your own over years and years. she had one day to deal with all these questions. its a good sign that she wants to understand as opposed to just kicking you out too. relax bromosexual!
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Sep 27, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    Yes, definitely calm down. I came out to my step mom over the phone in my twenties. Her reaction was the same. She specifically said, 'let's not tell your father.' And also stated we shouldn't tell my brothers or grandparents, etc. at the time for the various reasons she thought each would have issues.

    I asked her if she was 'ok' with what she now knew and she simply said, 'It's not what you hope to hear, but we love you nonetheless.'

    Fast forward some weeks, I didn't tell anyone. What happened during this time frame is that she came out for me to my immediate family. Next time I talked to her my dad was elbows deep in reading about having gay kids. My younger brothers who were still kids at the time had questions, but couldn't have cared less. So, we planned that the next time I visited, which would be Thanksgiving, to sit down as a family and just have the discussion throwing it all on the table. We did that, and haven't looked back since.

    As another poster said, she's likely needs time to digest the info. There's also a chance she might have already known...parents typically do...but the crossing over from thinking and knowing is, itself, a hurdle.

    As uncomfortable as is the topic, once it's addressed, it'll become increasingly easier to have these discussions with your family which will hopefully bring you closer. Just based on the information you've given, it sounds like that's how it will unfold.

  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Sep 27, 2012 3:04 PM GMT
    Read the suggestions above and think them over. Give her time. At least she is not totally rejecting you. she knows it would be hard for your father to deal with so she is protecting you, just like a mom.

    You've been battling with this a long time. Tell her that and ask for her understanding, not necessarily her approval or her help, just her understanding.

    It is always, always OK to tell your mom that you love her. Always.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 27, 2012 3:14 PM GMT
    You've been getting some great input. Let me congratulate you for having the guts and determination to do what you did.

    "Interrogation" was really a poor choice of words, but don't take it as.. she's against it. She may just want to talk to make sure you know what you feel and are doing. My suggestion... come across confident, NOT defensive and that this is a part of "growing up" as is your future plans. Reinforce what you did with us.... your future dreams remain the same.

    As far as your Dad.. I'd take the cues from your mother.. deal with this part of it and then take the next step when appropriate.

    Again, congrats! You've shown yourself to be quite the young man.
    Best wishes and do .. keep us informed on the progress.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    It'll be ok. This is something you need to go through and one day it will be better! My mom didn't want to tell my dad either. But then turns out that same night she went ahead and told him. All were very supportive. My family asked many times if I was sure and my dad even thought I was just confused. Just show them how you are sure, how you have accepted it yourself, and how you are happy. Your family will then, in turn, feel the same way you do about it.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Sep 27, 2012 3:52 PM GMT
    I came out to my mom over 4 years after putting it back for many years. She's a committed Jehova's Witness and I thought all the hell was going to break loose. But instead, when I told her, she said 'I still love you, son.'.

    Then her next question was 'Do you have AIDS?'. To which I say 'Nooooo!'. lol! She's been supportive of me ever since.

    I waited about a year after that convo to tell my sister. When I told her, her answer was 'Mom told me a long time ago.' lol!

    ...

    I've not told my father back in Puerto Rico. He's a total born-again Christian who keeps asking me when am I going to get married.. because man isn't meant to be alone. Ay-ya-yai! I don't know if I'll ever come out to him.
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    Sep 27, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    this might not be the best advice.... Prayers for Bobby... all i can say .. may be you can watch it as a family
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    Sep 27, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    nickJr saidthis might not be the best advice.... Prayers for Bobby... all i can say .. may be you can watch it as a family


    ^This...an incredible move
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    Sep 27, 2012 4:02 PM GMT

    Remember have a silent moment then take a deep breath, and chin up!
  • crush09

    Posts: 117

    Sep 27, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    stay calm, and speak the truth and dont lie or hide anything... she's a parent she just doing parenting things, shes worried about you and making sure your okay..... you got nothing to hide, just stay true to yourself.

    keep-calm-and-be-gay-74.png
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    Sep 27, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    Congrats to you. You'll do fine. Some great advice here, read it and take it to heart. Many have been through this and survived, you will too. Be open, be honest, be yourself and they'll love you for it. They'll need time, don't expect them to invite your date to dinner, it all takes time. Good luck.
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    Sep 27, 2012 7:42 PM GMT
    ALj20 saidHi guys,

    Last night, after my nth date with a friend of mine, I felt really bad...bad that I keep lying to everyone I know just to meet this special someone I have for a date...

    I feel like it's unfair, especially to my parents, that I keep lying to them...unfair for myself, 'cause I'm starting to live a double life which is hard for me to do...and unfair to the person I'm dating, because how would he know the real me, if I'm hiding him from my normal life...

    So I gathered up the courage to come out of my mom this morning, saying "Mom, I really don't want to keep lying to you guys...mom, I'm gay...and for the past few weeks that I've been going out, I've just been with a friend of mine I'm dating atm..." - she smiled a bit, then waterworks started...but she was about to go to work that time so we kinda stopped at that...

    I think she took it well, but then she just called me a while ago saying not to tell my dad for a while, and that she will "interrogate" me when we have the time...she keeps asking me if I'm sure, and if "that guy I'm going out with made me do it and is just playing a prank".

    Guys, I'm scared. Scared of what things she's gonna ask me. Tbh, I really don't want to make this a big deal since everything's the same for me - I still want to be a doctor, I still want to have kids, I still want to be me...the only difference is that they know me a bit more and that I have guys to bring home after a date instead of girls...

    And I really don't want to get emotional too... icon_sad.gif



    Congratulations for telling your mom. I hope your mum gives you a hug when she gets back home.
    Don't forget, you're not a bad person just because you're gay, your parents might say awful things to you about your sexuality but don't let it get to you. You can't change you sexuality, hopefully you're parents can understand that, maybe not straight away but soon I'm sure they will.