cannot read his feelings

  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Sep 28, 2012 1:59 AM GMT
    To start.. I had the most awesome first date 3 days ago. Previously I told him I usually do night tennis on mondays and wednesdays with my friends, so I was only free for 3 hours. At the restaurant, I was talking on the phone while trying to remove a stain from my shirt so I didn't notice when he arrived, and nearly didn't recognize the hotter-than-expected guy suddenly sitting across the table from me!

    We had a pretty good conversation for a couple hours, and when it was nearly time for tennis, he started hinting isn't it time for me to to go somewhere?. At first I was sad that he seemed to want to wrap it up, so I was like "meh who cares", and kept the conversation going as long as I could... but turns out he wanted to take me to this gelato place!

    So we went and got some and walked around the neighbourhood, and before we were finished eating, he suggested joining me for tennis. I had to fetch my racquet from the apartment, so he accompanied me up there, and then we went to play and I felt awesome showing him off to my friends. The guy was terrible at tennis, so he wasn't just looking for a tennis buddy for sure.

    Afterwards we went to change and I got a bonus peek at his body, which was, like the face, much better than expected rofl. Then we said goodbye, where I stupidly overcompensated my eagerness with a nonchalant "see you around", which I afterwards made-up for with a text saying how much I enjoyed the night and how I want to see him again. He texts back suggesting wednesday, so I was like "yeah i'm so down", and he agreed to bring his runners for another round of tennis.

    Knowing I'd see him again in 2 days, we didn't text at all on tuesday. But when wednesday rolled around, I didn't hear from him, so I texted him at lunchtime, and he didn't reply till 5 (unusual for him), saying he was waiting for his parents to come home and give him the car to get downtown. It didn't sound consistent with the plans he told me he had for that day, so we traded a couple vague texts about commuting, with no further hint that he was planning to come at all. At around 6:30 I asked him where he is, and that's when he says he can't make it. Gave some BS-sounding reason about his parents going to therapy and making him watch his younger sister.

    I thought we hit it off, what happened? Am I paranoid? How could his explanation not be BS? He was such a nice quirky guy and I felt so comfortable around him. Plus he initiated our first and second dates! I didn't think he was even capable of playing "games" even if he wanted to lol... he's only 20.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 28, 2012 2:06 AM GMT


    You treated him as a priority.

    He treated you like an option.


    -Doug
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Sep 28, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    icon_sad.gif The worst part is I don't know how to explain this to my friends. Normally I'd never let my friends in on the first date, but it was the other guy's idea, and from what they saw, they totally thought we were gonna get married lol

    I really hope this isn't true! I was so excited yesterday morning =(
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 28, 2012 4:27 AM GMT


    You made all the right moves, so you should relax and consider that's it's his ball to hit back now.
    warmly,

    -Doug

  • gymlocker

    Posts: 159

    Sep 28, 2012 4:40 AM GMT
    Lots of guys have control issues, mostly because they have no real control over themselves or their lives. They feel the need to work out their crap on everybody and anybody that they can find will take it.
    Trouble is, what they are really attracted to are confident, secure individuals that don't need their sorry asses. So, while they pretend to enjoy jerking people around because it enhances their own perception of themselves, they will rarely want to be in a relationship with people that take their crap.
    Best advice:
    Get off the merri-go-round now, before you get too sucked in. Work on yourself, so that you don't feel compelled to worry every minute about what this guy is doing or not doing that he said he would. When you can ignore him, he'll want you more than ever.
  • Sparkycat

    Posts: 1064

    Sep 28, 2012 6:54 AM GMT
    You need to stop acting like a sixteen year old girl.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 28, 2012 7:01 AM GMT
    if he really couldnt make the date for a legitimate reason, he will set another one.

    if he's flaking out or playing games, get real and move on. life is too short for that shit
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 28, 2012 7:08 AM GMT
    aw, that story was pretty cute. Enjoy that "butterflies in your stomach" feeling! It's been awhile since I've felt like that (my past few dates have a been a little underwhelming haha).

    But I agree with Meninlove. You've expressed your interest--the rest is up to him. Just go on with your life and try not to obsess/dwell too much!
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Sep 30, 2012 5:11 AM GMT
    He hasn't texted since that last exchange where he bailed. =(

    Only explanation i can think of is he suddenly met someone way hotter lol. Hope it fails!!! icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 5:54 AM GMT
    Unfortunately it sounds like he's blowing you off. If he initiates another conversation or date, give him a chance, his reasons may have been real, but I wouldn't waste any more time on him.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Sep 30, 2012 8:27 PM GMT
    he closed his plentyoffish account too... it's like within 2 days he went from seeing me to being in a serious relationship with someone else!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:37 PM GMT
    highforthis saidhe closed his plentyoffish account too... it's like within 2 days he went from seeing me to being in a serious relationship with someone else!


    You did nothing but be a nice fellow.
    Continue that by wishing him well and it will show. Integrity does that.
    That, in turn will attract others.

    icon_wink.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    I think you shouldn't try to read into things too much...You can't really tell if his accuse is BS or not...Take people at face value..You made it known you were interested and if he doesn't reciprocate then fuck it...Not gonna work out..Move on and leave the sourness behind ya..If hes not interested there is no reason in pursuing it...It sucks but dwelling on shit doesn't help your situation. keep on keeping on dude. good luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    Overall, it sounds less like an excuse than a legitimate reason for not being able to hang out with you that night, although the fact that he waited so long to return the call was definitely not cool. Try setting up another day together, and if he is persistent in this habit of being a no show it would be best to just steer clear from him rather than be faced with self doubt and disappointment over someone who frankly is not worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 9:25 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your situation. We've all been there. But let's be fair - You had One date, so there's no promise of a commitment or a relationship. He has the right to disappear. Just be glad it happened now vs. later.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Oct 01, 2012 11:27 PM GMT
    "The right to disappear" ??? Is that a gay thing?

    I always tell the other guy if I'm not interested.

    Anyhow, I texted him today asking when will we see each other again, mostly expecting a definite rejection and hoping for closure... but he suggests Thursday, and wasn't sure if he'll be called into work that day. GAAAH
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1166

    Oct 02, 2012 4:15 AM GMT
    lol that does sound like some next-level manipulation...
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Oct 04, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    I'm very sorry that this happened to you, but to be honest if I had a quarter for everytime a guy pulled this with me I'd be rich, living in downtown boston and not Dorchester (low income). Guys think it's ok to treat men they are just getting to know as options and it's not right. I'm currently in that situation now. You deserve better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2012 4:12 PM GMT
    highforthis saidhe closed his plentyoffish account too... it's like within 2 days he went from seeing me to being in a serious relationship with someone else!


    Well the dating website speaks for itself. 'Plentyoffish' hahaha how ironic is that. You found someone on plenty of fish and are surprised...
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Oct 06, 2012 2:40 AM GMT
    So wednesday at lunch I text him "still on for tomorrow?", which was ignored for 10 hours, followed by "fyi i'm not the best at taking hints", which he replies to within minutes, promising to confirm our date before noon thursday.

    So OF COURSE he didn't text me at all on thursday, and I let him be. I ended up having drinks with my friends, grumbling about how difficult gays are. My friends told me I'm expecting too much from the gay community.

    I considered telling the guy that we're through, but my friends were opposed, saying that I might be misjudging his actions, and that he might become interested again if I remain "chill". Now I know what guys are asking for in their profiles when the ask for "chill, masc dudes"... someone who is too busy sleeping around to be offended by mind games.

    It was the most surreal conversation i've ever had with my friends. I didn't know their standards were so low. Even if this guy is interested later on, I'd have a hard time being attracted to him like I was at first, partly because of my pride.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 06, 2012 3:11 PM GMT
    highforthis, Maya Angelou once wrote,

    "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them"

    That said, many of us are prone to giving others the benefit of the doubt two or three times before getting a full grasp on what that other person is really like.


    I find some people's words and actions are very different. My Dad taught me that actions speak louder than words, and this goes for any kind of relationship, be it friend or lover. .

    Here:

    *HUG*

    -Doug

  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Oct 08, 2012 5:05 PM GMT
    While I was seeing this guy, I had been seeing another guy who is way more interested in me, but I had been somewhat lukewarm since my sights had been set on the first guy. Now the other guy wants to be more than just friends, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm settling. Like he's good looking and all, just not as much and as interesting as the first guy, haha...
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Oct 08, 2012 5:14 PM GMT
    highforthis saidWhile I was seeing this guy, I had been seeing another guy who is way more interested in me, but I had been somewhat lukewarm since my sights had been set on the first guy. Now the other guy wants to be more than just friends, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm settling. Like he's good looking and all, just not as much and as interesting as the first guy, haha...



    Don't settle. You'll regret it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 08, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    Maybe he doesn't have any... towards you?
  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 08, 2012 5:32 PM GMT
    Please do not take this the wrong way, as we do not know each other, I would hate my words to come across as rude coming from a stranger, but I truly, sincerely, mean to help.

    I am not so much worried about his bailing, as your texts after the incident. I feel that they may even give insight into some body language or how you acted/what you may have said during the date itself.

    You seem to be really insecure, and truly have no reason to be! When you text someone multiple times-expecially saying that you can "take hints" brings to light a deeper internal issue. Rejection is part of life, when you think that something went great, it does not necessarily mean that they spark ignited in the other person, and its nothing personal, nothing that you did wrong, nothing wrong with you, just a combination of change and preference in the other.

    Maybe he was looking for something more casual (despite what he may have said-many people THINK that they want a relationship and when it arrives sorta bail or get scared that they can no longer have their cake and eat it too) and the immediate seriousness and semi-clingyness that you seem to have had from the start could have scared him away.

    Again, this is nothing wrong with you per se, I would just reccomment taking it easier, the best way to actually get a relationship, is to not go out looking for one. That is to say, get the relationship thing out of your mind, you arent going out fishing and hoping to catch a bf on day 1. Go out, go on dates, meet guys, let whatever comes blossom from that, it is the BIGGEST mistake that people, gay and straight, make when looking for a partner, they already have their eyes set on something, and there are plenty of times where you gotta clean off that diamond in the rough (the relationship-casual or romantic- not the person) before it becomes something.

    I hope this insight maybe gives you another way to look at it.