Dammit man, why is it so hard to get involved with gay people who have their shit together?? When does it end?

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    Sep 29, 2012 9:30 AM GMT
    So the other week I met a guy who upon meeting, looked to be in spectacular packaging. Cute Latin guy with lots of tattoos and a lil cute smoking hot body. We hit it off instantly and I met him thru a friend while out at a club.

    However, it's been 2 weeks and although I've been happy spending time with him, but in that short time I've already found out a bunch of things that is like a giant suitcase with 2 smaller suitcases fitted inside. He tells me he's + and tells me about all his side effects from the medications, he just got out of a relationship from another state, is starting his life from scratch and living with a good friend and his lover who is already wanting him to move out ASAP (which is stupid because they have an extra room and 'rescued' him from the abusive relationship he was in. And now they want to rush him into finding a place when the guy isn't even on his feet yet. When we hang out, I pay for everything. Kid doesn't have $1 to his name and we're the same age.

    The last guy I was dating for 5 months also didn't have his shit together. But PERFECT packaging on the outside. 32, White, nice body. Always getting hit on. Then come to find out he had all sorts of emotional baggage, paying child support, weekly ecstasy user, drunkard, bad spending habits, rude, racist, demeaning...the list continues. Oh, and he lived with mom and dad and his car...was in his daddy's name icon_eek.gif

    I'm just getting discouraged. Yes I been that guy that didn't have his shit together for brief periods, but still kept a car and place to live and a plan but I vowed not to EVER not have my shit together. And just stay devoted to the plan so I can keep it together. But over and over again I keep coming across people who don't. And I'm all too happy to allow it to happen. But alot of people tend to act pretentious and un-touchable (e.g., don't exchange numbers, flake out when trying to set up meetings, too busy to ever meet, always out of town, etc) when they do have their things together, which is why it's been hard to do meet those who do. Like tonight, this guy talks about he makes $60-80,000 a year..but then before we could even end our conversation (we were all in a group) he just runs inside. It's like, I never asked your income or implied I wanted to know. We're talking about California and you decided to volunteer your income to ME.

    Would/Have you date/befriend someone who didn't have their shit together? Do you think it's worth waiting around for them to get it together? Fuck if this keeps up I'm going to have to explore being bisexual or something. I've found it way easier meeting chicks with cars and their own place than the average fag. fuck. pisses me off.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Sep 29, 2012 2:03 PM GMT
    One simple (maybe too simple) suggestion: stop using the clubs for your dating pool.
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    Sep 29, 2012 2:19 PM GMT
    Seems to me that the problem is with you. What is that saying about attracting who we want to attract. Seems to me that you are going after a particular guy and now bitching when you find him.

    Fix yourself and you will fix who you attract.
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    Sep 29, 2012 2:23 PM GMT
    You get to a certain age and everyone has lived a life, not sure I would always demean them by calling that :"baggage". Plus, I find someone paying child support, I actually call that being responsible and would not hold that against them, but that's just a matter of perspective.
    I agree with a precious post, stop dating hookups from clubs. You do not find quality men from hookup sites, knuckle dragging drunks and drug addicts are fun to have sex with, but terrible beyond that. You don't want to smell like poo, stop swimming in the sewer.
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    Sep 29, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    Perhaps there's something about you that's attracting these guys to you.

    If you really need to know whether someone is self-sufficient, best to get it over with on the first meet.

    How was the white dude racist? After all, he was dating outside his race.
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    Sep 29, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    Getting into a relationship with someone who isn't stable or unhappy with his life is just asking for trouble.
    Fucking learned the hard way.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Sep 29, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    I completely understand your frustration, fuzzypecs. It's so hard to find a man that has his shit together and actually wants a relationship. Frankly, I think as gay men we have it worse than straight people, because straight people will work with truly shitty situations and stick together. Gay men seemingly find anything wrong and just bolt onto the next guy. But don't lose hope. I know it's easy to say that, but truly.. do not lose hope!
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    Sep 29, 2012 4:22 PM GMT
    I've found that few people have all their shit together. It's part of our human nature.
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    Sep 29, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    This is my observation as well. Guys that are down for dating are sketchy . Guys that have there shit together are all sealed off and too picky / busy to date.
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    Sep 29, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    starboard5 saidOne simple (maybe too simple) suggestion: stop using the clubs for your dating pool.


    Agreed. You can't find your husband in the Abbey, but you might find him at a friend's party.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Sep 29, 2012 4:27 PM GMT
    axl88 said
    starboard5 saidOne simple (maybe too simple) suggestion: stop using the clubs for your dating pool.


    Agreed. You can't find your husband in the Abbey, but you might find him at a friend's party.


    Sorry, but I've to disagree. If dating apps and even social places aren't appropriate to find a good man, then where? What are the chances you're going to find a great man thru your social circle or even by becoming involved in community events. One should get involved in community events for the good cause of them, not to try and meet someone.

    You can meet someone of some quality at a club or bar, but you must be always be discerning before getting too involved.
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    Sep 29, 2012 4:36 PM GMT
    <--------MESS
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    Sep 29, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    One truth about life is no one has it together. To think that we are so put together and wonderful is self-deception.

    Denial is a cozy place to be.
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    Sep 29, 2012 5:04 PM GMT
    all that glitters is not gold. sounds like you're attracted to the wrapping, and not the contents.

    here's a hint: guys who have their shit together, usually have their dating shit together too. they have the ability to see inside the wrapper. just sayin
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    Sep 29, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    Best sex I've ever had.. He was absolutely psycho!

    Worst relationship I ever tried to have.. He was absolutely psycho!

    Worst sex I ever had... Well I spent ten years with that man and he learnt how to be awesome in the sack and he'd make me feel special and loved and wanted and he had stability and intelligence and a whole lotta other things.. He also wasn't that "physically hot" either but damn it if I didn't fall head over heels for that man! He treated me exceptionally well and I worked my arse off for him as well.

    Although I do my the wild psycho sex, that made could make me cum just telling me what he was going to do to me hahaha
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    Sep 29, 2012 10:26 PM GMT
    I've never dated a guy who didn't have their shit together because my belief is that some one who doesn't, isn't ready to be in a relationship.
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    Sep 29, 2012 10:39 PM GMT
    Yogi567 saidI've never dated a guy who didn't have their shit together because my belief is that some one who doesn't, isn't ready to be in a relationship.

    Think I will be single for much longer than expected... I work by the same principle.
    #FA143: Stability Status.
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    Sep 29, 2012 10:41 PM GMT
    Nice post OP. A few thoughts. First, a lot of guys your age, gay and not-gay, are having serious trouble financially and career-wise right now. The fact that it is happening on such a large scale would indicate that its not entirely the fault of individuals. It makes it harder to decipher the losers from the unfortunate but responsible. The second and most important point is from my own experience. I've had the same challenge as you in the past. Eventually I had to face myself and admit that all the screwed up things about a guy that ended up ruining a relationship were things I could have anticipated within the first 24 hours, or more likely the first hour, of having met him. But I would always fool myself into believing or hoping that the new hot guy would turn out to be better than he really was. What fooled me, of course, were sexy bodies and great sex. It was like, ohhh please let this steamy hot nicely packaged hunk turn out NOT to be a loser or a psycho... You know the rest of the story.
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    Sep 29, 2012 11:11 PM GMT
    Blondizgd saidSeems to me that the problem is with you. What is that saying about attracting who we want to attract. Seems to me that you are going after a particular guy and now bitching when you find him.

    Fix yourself and you will fix who you attract.

    Perhaps a bit harsh, but also some truth in what you say. I find that the guys I'm attracted to, and who are attracted to me, are almost automatically my type.

    Of course, a less generous view of that would be to quote from a Finian's Rainbow song lyric: "When I'm not near the girl I love, I love the girl I'm near."

    Just the same, I guess when I was single I was rejecting some guys without really thinking about it, and only focusing in on the guys who were my natural type. And they were probably doing the same with me.

    Well, whatever it was, I just went with an almost instinctual flow, that 9 times out of 10 led me to guys who were right for me. I used to marvel at my good luck, but in retrospect I suppose it was a subconscious selection process at work in the background that guided me to them.

    And that phenomenon extends to my circle of friends, too. They mostly tend to the professional, intellectual, and artistic. I don't know why, I don't set out with a check list, but when I step back and look at my friends, that's what they are. With a few blue collar, too, ones who are as smart as the guys with all the academic letters after their names.

    So that I just go with the flow, and the same types of BFs when I was dating, and the same social friends, just seem to come into my life. I truly don't understand the mechanism, but it's very consistent. So that I wonder if your implied formula isn't correct, that we attract and are attracted to the men whom we most match. And if we find ourselves not liking those matches, is the problem with ourselves, except that we don't like that answer, that reflection we see in the mirror?
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    Sep 30, 2012 2:15 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidDammit man, why is it so hard to get involved with gay people who have their shit together??
    Because you don't.
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    Sep 30, 2012 2:22 AM GMT
    kingmo saidall that glitters is not gold. sounds like you're attracted to the wrapping, and not the contents.

    here's a hint: guys who have their shit together, usually have their dating shit together too. they have the ability to see inside the wrapper. just sayin


    pretty much sums up what I was thinking after i finished reading.

    lol @ not one person being on his side.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Sep 30, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    JR_RJ said
    Yogi567 saidI've never dated a guy who didn't have their shit together because my belief is that some one who doesn't, isn't ready to be in a relationship.

    Think I will be single for much longer than expected... I work by the same principle.
    #FA143: Stability Status.


    *nods* I agree
  • FitnReel

    Posts: 20

    Sep 30, 2012 2:29 AM GMT
    Well you might not want to hear this but I believe you attract who you are not who you want. If you are attracting guys that do not have their shit together than on some level you have some things you need to work on yourself. Life is a mirror. So I say, work on yourself and in time the type of guys you attract and are attracted to will shift for the better. You may still attract a few guys that do not have their shit together but you will realize on date one instead of several months down the line...this guy is not for me.
  • socalisurfer

    Posts: 68

    Sep 30, 2012 4:08 AM GMT
    deltalimen saidOne truth about life is no one has it together. To think that we are so put together and wonderful is self-deception.

    Denial is a cozy place to be.


    Everyone has issues to deal with. It's life. The older you get the more curve balls life throws at you. Parents grow old and die, friends move away, others pass away, you change careers, you grow older and hopefully wiser too. But by having your shit together I think most people mean you have a general direction you're heading in. You're not just wondering around aimlessly.

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    Sep 30, 2012 4:55 AM GMT
    Muscjocknyc saidWell you might not want to hear this but I believe you attract who you are not who you want. If you are attracting guys that do not have their shit together than on some level you have some things you need to work on yourself. Life is a mirror. So I say, work on yourself and in time the type of guys you attract and are attracted to will shift for the better. You may still attract a few guys that do not have their shit together but you will realize on date one instead of several months down the line...this guy is not for me.


    Wow, sadly this does (to some extent) reflect my previous experiences.
    I think everyone has flaws, you just have to find someone who's flaws you can work/cope with.