Please

  • Lucrehulk

    Posts: 30

    Sep 29, 2012 2:07 PM GMT
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2314366

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2337849

    ^These two above threads were from my old RJ account, zblue. TL;DR, I have a long history of severe depression, and psychosis from the last two years (I'm in my early twenties). In April 2012 shit hit the fan and I truly went mad and psycho at my family and my friends. Moved away, got a job, scraped by. Saw more doctors and psychiatrists. Diagnosis remains unclear but one reckons I have signs of something psychotic. Whatever the matter is, I;ve slipped way deeper into apathy and hurtful feelings. It seems like I'm trying to spread hate and fear as if I relish it and want to be a deceptive and hurtful person in later life. Its like I have this goal/agenda to be superior and pretend I am aloof and malicious. OK I'm on meds at the moment, which only stabilise me and keep me from crying every other night. And this isn't a troll post, even though a couple of posts on my account seem otherwise, that is when I'm in a hateful mood.

    The thing is when trying to ask for help or asking for people to put ideas into my head, nobody understands/people underestimate me. This makes it even worse. I know you are just going to say keep going to therapy, or try changing meds etc. Please don't. I have been on seven different meds since this time last year. Antidepressants, anticonvusants, antipsychotics, anti anxiety pills. It would seem that I am resistant to medicaion, but PLEASE don't press the issue anymore.

    All I want is to talk. I don't want to clog the forum, if we could just talk, either messaging or on here. This might sound weird, but in the past when I had an online friend, I liked being given 'assignments', I don't remember much but it was like lifestyle suggestions like walking or something. Sorry for asking a lot when this is merely the Internet, and I guess all the above looks vague and whinging. This is RJ and I have never actually worked out properly, but I joined the gym today, hoping to get fit and feel more healthy. I'm in a 3 month contract and feel dejected since now I can't save money anymore due to paying for the gym and a personal trainer once a week. And I'm too scared to go in and use the machines/lift weights in front of other people. But anyway hopefully something constructive will come from this thread if anyone reads this.

    Paul
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 29, 2012 3:04 PM GMT
    Hi, Paul.

    I've been in deep depression due to cancer meds. So I can relate a bit on how hard it is to drag yourself thru life when being crushed by depression. It's hard, very hard. I, however, always had the comfort that when the cancer meds were done, I would come out of it. You dont sound like you have that. But you seem very strong.

    If you can keep yourself motivated, may I suggest that you stop with the personal trainer. That will save you a chunk of change. Try using one of the RJ workout plans. They are awesome. A day-by-day plan for 12 weeks. And the vids show how to do each exercise.

    http://www.realjock.com/article/1164

    With the money you save and the body you build, you may feel the weight of your depression lifting a bit as you see success in your accomplishments.
  • Lucrehulk

    Posts: 30

    Sep 29, 2012 3:12 PM GMT
    Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear about your cancer meds. The personal trainer is a contract now so it's too late to opt out. Well, I could still within 7 days but I shouldn't. I cannot self exercise, I have tried it. The reason I chose a personal trainer is because I need motivation and someone telling me what to do. If I went out and bought weights and equipment and made an exercise plan, I wouldn't use any of it because I have no drive, motivation anymore.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 29, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    I understand your need for a PT. I needed one too at the beginning.

    But I didn't mean to quit the gym anyhow. Or are the gym and PT linked in one contract?

    You may want to check out the workout plans and/or vids anyway.
    You can do some working out on the side without the PT.

    EXERCISE IS ONE IF THE GREATEST THINGS TO DO FOR DEPRESSION.
    Exercise, sunlight, getting outdoors.



    How are you feeling today?
  • Lucrehulk

    Posts: 30

    Sep 30, 2012 3:31 AM GMT
    Linked in contract. Like I said, I've fallen beyond self help like that (home workouts).
  • Lucrehulk

    Posts: 30

    Oct 02, 2012 12:11 PM GMT
    ok you're all retards then
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 14, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    Hi Paul

    I'm sorry to hear about the problems you have. I really hope you do find eventually find the support you require in order to live a happier and more fulfilling life.

    I notice that you say that what you're seeking is someone to talk to and that you don't want to hear more suggestions that you try certain medications. With this in mind, I'm surprised you don't want to continue with some form of psychotherapy: it really allows you to talk freely about the thoughts and feelings you may feel uneasy disclosing to someone you know. But if it's really not what you want, and you'd rather talk to someone over the internet, then it might be better to do that. There are, after all, advantages to doing so. Firstly, we probably have more in common with you than the psychotherapists whom you've been seeing: we're gay and may therefore be able to empathise with some of the feelings you've been having. Secondly, unlike psychotherapists, who are legally restricted from doing so, we can offer you advice. Very importantly, we can also express sympathy which, I think, a psychotherapist may also consider to be beyond their professional remit but which, in both my opinion and my experience, is encouraging for the person battling negative feelings or behaviour.

    So feel free to private message me when you feel you need to talk about your problems. I sympathise with you: my mental health hasn't been great over the past few years and I know how important a little bit of recognition from others of one's adverse circumstances can be.