Never Getting Married...

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    Sep 30, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    My parents know that I'm gay, and they very strongly oppose the fact.

    Today, when I was alone and doing work, my mom came into the room, sat down and started talking to me about how wrong it is, how I can change, and how I need to correct my ways.

    Both my parents have said that many times before, but today was different...

    Today my mom said that if I ever find a guy who I love, and who loves me back, she and my dad will never support the relationships, and never ever approve of it.

    I've been trying so hard to show my parents that I'm the same good kid they raised all these years. I'm a traditional and conservative man, and share their values except that I've been really looking forward to finding a guy to settle down with.

    Not having that dream come true would really hurt.

    Besides disowning me (they haven't) hearing that I won't get their blessing to marry a guy is pretty much the worst thing they could say.

    I still do love my parents. But I hate letting them down like this, and being let down by them in turn.

    ---

    Anyway, I just felt like this was a safe place to share that, and that writing it out would help me feel better. I really hope people don't think I'm just looking for attention. I'm not. I could just do with some encouragement.
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    Sep 30, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    You are an adult, get a job be independent, and live your life the way you want, your parents lived the life they wanted and they should respect you for living the life you want. And just because you have a boyfriend doesnt mean you dont love your parents. They will come to it eventually.
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    Sep 30, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    you are not letting them down by following your dream

    they are letting you down by not accepting you for who you are
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Sep 30, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
    That sounds very harsh man. I'm somewhat in the same boat, my parents are very loving and caring; apart from the fact that they don't understand my sexuality. But they've been more accepting of my boyfriend, sometimes asking how he's doing, etc. I still get the feeling that they wouldn't want to go to my wedding, if I were to ever have one. It's very difficult since as you say, I also love my parents very much, which makes it all so much harder when they break you down for something so fundamental of your identity.
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    Sep 30, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    A parent has many jobs for their kids but their number ONE job is to love their child regardless. If they can't love unconditionally like they are supposed to, I say cut them out of your life. I know that sounds hard and mean but it seems like down the road they will make your life harder and harder especially when you find someone.
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    Sep 30, 2012 3:52 PM GMT
    I can't imagine how that must feel. It's hard because they are your parents. I'm very close with mine, and if my parents said that to me, I would be very sad. That being said, you live your life the way that will make you happy.

    My parents brought me up to be someone who doesn't just take it lying down, I would do something after the initial shock wears off. Use the good things they taught you to be something stronger. As people mentioned before me, work to become independent. If you've been relying on them up to this point, slowly take steps to become independent. The worst is if they will hold something over you unless you tell them you'll stop being gay. For example: paying for school.

    They may never change their opinion, but if you're happy, their opinions will not matter.

    My mom called my on Thursday and ask how my bf who I moved in with is. We spoke about him and our plans for Canadian Thanksgiving. To have my family accept him as part of the family has made me very happy. I hope one day your parents will realize how poisonous their hate is and choose to love and support you in your pursuit in happiness.
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    Sep 30, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    Thanks for the posts, guys.

    My parents say they do love me unconditionally, but they won't accept any guy I want to settle down with.

    The problem, as Buddha said, is their inability to understand that being gay is NOT a choice and is NOT (here goes) a deception of Satan to cause me to sin.
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    Sep 30, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    nicerough said... hearing that I won't get their blessing to marry a guy is pretty much the worst thing they could say.

    Why? Why do you need your parents' blessing? If they want to act like that, let them. But dont drag it around with you. You can still love them. But disapprove of their behavior.

    You should sit them down and tell them they can change. And if they dont, you will still love them, but they will never get your blessing for continuing this behavior.
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    Bah! Kids today! In my day, you didnt even know another gay. And NOBODY approved of even being gay, much less marriage or a relationship or a boyfriend. We sucked it up and lived our lives. None of this boo-hooing nobody-loves-me crap. And we did it in 10 feet of snow, uphill, both ways!
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    nicerough saidThe problem, as Buddha said, is their inability to understand that being gay is NOT a choice and is NOT (here goes) a deception of Satan to cause me to sin.


    Oh geez. They've gotta start getting their news elsewhere. Hey, maybe with some smart friends of yours coming to visit you, you can get a dialog started that educates them on human development.

    Remember when the treatment for schizophrenia was exorcism? You don't? That's how far we've come. It's about time the church (and its believers) recognized the full range of human development possibilities.

    You might want to find a book or video that does a better job of tackling this issue too. At least watch it yourself, and if you can get them to look it over you'll be further along with them.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 30, 2012 4:12 PM GMT
    You sound like a great guy... except to realize what a disservice your parents are doing by not supporting your decisions. Perhaps with time they will realize how wrong they were. Meanwhile, have conviction that you are following the right course of action!
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio said
    nicerough saidThe problem, as Buddha said, is their inability to understand that being gay is NOT a choice and is NOT (here goes) a deception of Satan to cause me to sin.


    Oh geez. They've gotta start getting their news elsewhere. Hey, maybe with some smart friends of yours coming to visit you, you can get a dialog started that educates them on human development.

    Remember when the treatment for schizophrenia was exorcism? You don't? That's how far we've come. It's about time the church (and its believers) recognized the full range of human development possibilities.

    You might want to find a book or video that does a better job of tackling this issue too. At least watch it yourself, and if you can get them to look it over you'll be further along with them.

    Any news, book, or video in existence that goes against their belief, regardless of source, is just another 'perversion of society'.

    I've told a total of two friends (besides friends and guys from this site) that I'm gay, and they hate them. They also hate the friends they think I've told, even though I haven't. A dialogue like that will only cut me off from more of my friends.

    Also, I do remember when exorcism was used for schizophrenia. It's happened somewhat recently, and was quite a big deal in local media.

    The only thing they believe is the Bible's 'gay bashing' verses, and conservative 'Christian' personalities who are anti-gay.

    HndsmKansan saidYou sound like a great guy... except to realize what a disservice your parents are doing by not supporting your decisions. Perhaps with time they will realize how wrong they were. Meanwhile, have conviction that you are following the right course of action!


    Thanks. I do try to be as nice as I can, and as respectful as I can, especially to my parents since they raised me through thick and thin. I can only pray that they somehow change.

    On that note, if anyone thinks I should up and leave, or tell them off, I'm not going to apologise for trying to be filial. It's a quality that is valued personally, and not just because it's admired in my culture and religion. Please respect that.
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    We should meet up and prank your parents..!!
    I'll show up to the door asking for you wearing nothing but a blow pop..!!
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidWe should meet up and prank your parents..!!
    I'll show up to the door asking for you wearing nothing but a blow pop..!!

    That actually made me laugh. Haha!

    Sadly, that would certainly get me into bigger trouble! They already think I have sex with our neighbours on the way home from school!
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    I'm so sorry that your parents are behaving like this. My parents act like that too.
    I remember when my dad told my mum I was gay, she flipped and had a breakdown.
    An hour later my dad tried to make conversation with me after slagging me off. He said "It's not your fault, we didn't raise you right, for example I saw documentary program and there was a abandoned baby rhino and he tried humping a elephant, it's because his parents didn't reach him right and wrong".
    Now thinking about it, that was funny and a stupid thing to say.
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    Your parents live in an epistemological vacuum. You cannot argue with them on this, because if they have to shift their thinking on this issue, it leads to the domino effect of causing their whole worldview to collapse. This is the primary problem with all fundamentalism: you cannot reason with absolute truth as "revealed" in scripture.

    The only way they will change, is if they can see you manifest a normal, satisfied life, that still conforms to the image they have of what a Christian should be..plus the gay. If they can see that, it will chink away the hard anti-intellectual armor they've built up over the years. But it is a slow process. There are no books or articles that will help, because they are not open.

    I am in a similar situation with my family.
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    Sep 30, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    Question, what do you plan on doing for the rest of your life? Are you going to be surrounded by people that just want to knock you down over one thing, which is NO ONES BUSINESS but your OWN and the person your SLEEPING WITH? Never going to get married or look for a guy who can take care of you and love you?

    And I am sorry, I hope I am not crossing any lines, but you say your parents love you and yet they constantly say they don't want you to be with guys. Or be with a guy who will make you happy. They don't respect you and respect comes from love in my opinion.

    I am just worried for your sake, because it seems your surrounded by people who literally hate gay people. And with you not getting out of that environment it can hurt you physically and mentally.

    But seriously best of luck to you!!!
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    Sep 30, 2012 5:03 PM GMT
    nicerough saidThanks for the posts, guys.

    My parents say they do love me unconditionally, but they won't accept any guy I want to settle down with.

    The problem, as Buddha said, is their inability to understand that being gay is NOT a choice and is NOT (here goes) a deception of Satan to cause me to sin.


    Hmmm...their unconditional love is being tested by reality.

    Next time Mom does her thing, tell her you don't think straights can choose to be gay. icon_wink.gif

    very warmly,

    -Doug
  • bischero

    Posts: 847

    Sep 30, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    Aww!! *hugs*

    I totally know where you're coming from, since my dad is pretty much the same way. It's a terrible feeling, knowing that your parents are completely unsupportive.


    I'm now at a point in my life that I don't even want to be in a relationship. I've become more and more comfortable with being single. I don't even know where I'd find the time to be in a relationship!


    Just keep moving on with your life and let what happens happen. icon_cool.gif

    Jeremiah 29:11.

    *hugs*
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    Sep 30, 2012 5:18 PM GMT
    You're an adult. Move out on your own and establish yourself independently. You are no longer their little boy they can control. You're a man who can make his own choices. They are speaking to you about something they know nothing about and clearly do not understand. You need to start drawing some boundaries and setting some limits for them. They are no longer allowed to say these to you because they are clearly being offensive. And until they learn that your homosexuality is not going away, any further comments they make about it will have consequences. The consequences are for you to decide, but sometimes those consequences mean that you cut them off for a while. Bottom line, you don't want toxic and negative people bringing you down in your life. Even if they are your own parents. This is your life, not theirs.
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    Oct 01, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    warrior123 saidHe said "It's not your fault, we didn't raise you right, for example I saw documentary program and there was a abandoned baby rhino and he tried humping a elephant, it's because his parents didn't reach him right and wrong".

    It's interesting how you talk about nature. My dad uses the argument that 'no animals are gay, only humans' to denounce homosexuality, but there is scientific fact that other animals are gay. He'll never believe it, though.

    My parents also take it upon themselves for 'not raising me right', and it hurts knowing that they think they've failed.

    redacting saidThe only way they will change, is if they can see you manifest a normal, satisfied life, that still conforms to the image they have of what a Christian should be..plus the gay. If they can see that, it will chink away the hard anti-intellectual armor they've built up over the years. But it is a slow process. There are no books or articles that will help, because they are not open.

    I am in a similar situation with my family.

    That's what I'm trying to do! I don't think it will ever work, but I'm still trying my best!

    What is your own situation like?

    RadRTT saidQuestion, what do you plan on doing for the rest of your life? Are you going to be surrounded by people that just want to knock you down over one thing, which is NO ONES BUSINESS but your OWN and the person your SLEEPING WITH? Never going to get married or look for a guy who can take care of you and love you?

    I know it's not that easy to accept, but the culture I was raised in places a lot of emphasis on the group over the individual. Collectivist vs. Individualist, as it's known in intercultural studies. While I can look at it individually, it's still within my essence to want to make them proud.

    meninlove saidHmmm...their unconditional love is being tested by reality.

    Next time Mom does her thing, tell her you don't think straights can choose to be gay. icon_wink.gif

    I've tried that before. They keep saying that it's not really that I chose it, but that over time I was led away from being 'normal'.

    bischero saidAww!! *hugs*

    I'm now at a point in my life that I don't even want to be in a relationship. I've become more and more comfortable with being single. I don't even know where I'd find the time to be in a relationship!

    Jeremiah 29:11.

    Thanks mate! And I kind of have that mentality as well. It's just that no matter how confident and secure I am with being single, I'd still really like to be able to come home some day, and cuddle up with someone who cares for me.

    FlexandJack saidYou're an adult. Move out on your own and establish yourself independently.

    They are speaking to you about something they know nothing about and clearly do not understand.

    You need to start drawing some boundaries and setting some limits for them. They are no longer allowed to say these to you because they are clearly being offensive. And until they learn that your homosexuality is not going away, any further comments they make about it will have consequences.

    I'd love to move out. But moving out where I live is not an option. I live in the city, and there are no small towns to run to, to start another life. It is all city... And that's expensive. Very expensive. I don't have the means to live on my own. This also makes the consequences idea a bad one for me. It also goes against my personal values.

    My parents have known other gay men (their age) before, and based on those examples, they say that there is... No happy ending, to summarise. They do know about it and understand it, it's just that their knowledge of it is wrong. (The stories they told are by far NOT what I'm like at all!)