Relationship vs. Lack of Time

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 6:17 PM GMT
    I have been dating a guy 3 months over the summer and around August we decided we would be boyfriends officially. In September, he went back to school for an advanced degree while working part-time. His time is limited between school, studying, and work. Suddenly, he wants to downgrade what we have away from being boyfriends.

    I must admit that this has been very difficult for me to understand. I fully acknowledge that his time is limited now. However, I don't see it as sufficient reason to downgrade the relationship.

    Have any of you gone through this? How have you dealt with it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 7:57 PM GMT
    Hello mate,

    I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like he may have gotten under water by thinking he can juggle a relationship. With school, studying and work, it sounds like he is being honest with you. My suggestion would be to stay friends, and see what happens. With that being said, don't put your life on hold though. I hope this helps.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:07 PM GMT


    marco, many straight people manage just fine, so this is a mystery.

    Bill's parents: Dad wanted to become a doctor - he was a West Coast logger.
    He married and Bill's Mom had kids while he was studying, working, and eventually doing his practicum.

    At one point she was up here and he was in LA. They downgraded nothing, and racked up enormous phone bills and sent a plethora of letters back and forth.

    There is always time for love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:09 PM GMT
    I don't understand what you mean by downgrading from being boyfriends. What does that make you now?

    In any case, if you really care about someone, you make time for them. It would be extremely difficult, and both of you would have to make huge sacrifices, but it would be worth it in the end.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:16 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    marco, many straight people manage just fine, so this is a mystery.

    Bill's parents: Dad wanted to become a doctor - he was a West Coast logger.
    He married and Bill's Mom had kids while he was studying, working, and eventually doing his practicum.

    At one point she was up here and he was in LA. They downgraded nothing, and racked up enormous phone bills and sent a plethora of letters back and forth.

    There is always time for love.


    ^ Bravo, and agreed! Even with school, work and studying I am sure that he still has a few spare hours out of the day to continue your relationship without too many hitches (aside from not spending as much time together). Also, he should realize that his semester will end within a few months depending, and you guys will be able to spend ample enough time together. In my opinion it seems as if there could be a bigger situation brewing, or it could really be that he just wants to focus more on his education than a relationship as he might not be good at giving his attention to so many different things. icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:23 PM GMT
    censorthis1 said
    meninlove said

    marco, many straight people manage just fine, so this is a mystery.

    Bill's parents: Dad wanted to become a doctor - he was a West Coast logger.
    He married and Bill's Mom had kids while he was studying, working, and eventually doing his practicum.

    At one point she was up here and he was in LA. They downgraded nothing, and racked up enormous phone bills and sent a plethora of letters back and forth.

    There is always time for love.


    ^ Bravo, and agreed! Even with school, work and studying I am sure that he still has a few spare hours out of the day to continue your relationship without too many hitches (aside from not spending as much time together). Also, he should realize that his semester will end within a few months depending, and you guys will be able to spend ample enough time together. In my opinion it seems as if there could be a bigger situation brewing, or it could really be that he just wants to focus more on his education than a relationship as he might not be good at giving his attention to so many different things. icon_confused.gif


    Bill's Mom and Dad never had skype, instant messaging or email, all of which are lightning fast.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:36 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    censorthis1 said
    meninlove said

    marco, many straight people manage just fine, so this is a mystery.

    Bill's parents: Dad wanted to become a doctor - he was a West Coast logger.
    He married and Bill's Mom had kids while he was studying, working, and eventually doing his practicum.

    At one point she was up here and he was in LA. They downgraded nothing, and racked up enormous phone bills and sent a plethora of letters back and forth.

    There is always time for love.


    ^ Bravo, and agreed! Even with school, work and studying I am sure that he still has a few spare hours out of the day to continue your relationship without too many hitches (aside from not spending as much time together). Also, he should realize that his semester will end within a few months depending, and you guys will be able to spend ample enough time together. In my opinion it seems as if there could be a bigger situation brewing, or it could really be that he just wants to focus more on his education than a relationship as he might not be good at giving his attention to so many different things. icon_confused.gif


    Bill's Mom and Dad never had skype, instant messaging or email, all of which are lightning fast.


    True that. With so many ways to communicate now a days the excuse of "lack of time" is definitely becoming pretty lame (unless he's taking care of his dying parent). If he was truly serious, which it doesn't sound like he is, he'd find a way of making it work out. Excuse the pessimism..icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    I don't see why you think it is a lame excuse...He cares about you but school and work does take up a lot of time and if you really want a relationship to work then ya that takes up a lot of time too..If you really care about this dude I would hope you wouldn't be so selfish and let him take care of his priorities and goals in his life...education is hard enough to achieve but then have to deal with someone you care about fighting with you because of a lack of time together doesn't help...Why does everyone seem to think that people are lying to them...and if they are then why would you wanna be with them anyway? being in a relationship/ having a partner should make your life easier not more difficult. and when it does I would change my situation too....Sucks to lose someone you care about but if you really care about them too then you'll let them do what they need to do to make themselves happy...just my opinion....Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    Whitey89 saidI don't see why you think it is a lame excuse...He cares about you but school and work does take up a lot of time and if you really want a relationship to work then ya that takes up a lot of time too..If you really care about this dude I would hope you wouldn't be so selfish and let him take care of his priorities and goals in his life...education is hard enough to achieve but then have to deal with someone you care about fighting with you because of a lack of time together doesn't help...Why does everyone seem to think that people are lying to them...and if they are then why would you wanna be with them anyway? being in a relationship/ having a partner should make your life easier not more difficult. and when it does I would change my situation too....Sucks to lose someone you care about but if you really care about them too then you'll let them do what they need to do to make themselves happy...just my opinion....Good luck.

    Sorry, but that is a lot of bs. Some people are married and have a family and put themselves through law school, grad school, or medical school while working a job, but they don't take a "downgrade from the relationship" to something less than marriage. They might not get the time they want to spend with the family, but all the while they are still married and they are still a family. Millions of people live busy lives and maintain a relationship, in college and after college. Words like "downgrade the relationship" are used to try and let someone down gently while not being completely honest. If the guy really wanted this relationship he would make it work.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 9:25 PM GMT
    marcobruno1978 saidI have been dating a guy 3 months over the summer and around August we decided we would be boyfriends officially. In September, he went back to school for an advanced degree while working part-time. His time is limited between school, studying, and work. Suddenly, he wants to downgrade what we have away from being boyfriends.

    I must admit that this has been very difficult for me to understand. I fully acknowledge that his time is limited now. However, I don't see it as sufficient reason to downgrade the relationship.

    Have any of you gone through this? How have you dealt with it?


    Without knowing the details, and assuming he is still into you. Maybe this is the only way he thinks he can communicate to you how strapped he is for time. It would be interesting to know how often you expect him (directly or indirectly) to spend time with you. You might be seeking more than you realize.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    I have to admit that this is a fascinating discussion for me. Time, energy, and distance are all huge problems for me and my dating life. I have no idea how to deal with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 01, 2012 12:29 AM GMT
    OP..your BF thinks he might not be able to balance all his priorities...
    A downgrade would mean just Fck buds??

    ..Have a long talk with him...if he feels strongly about this..Let Him Go..
    The reason i made that point is...The last thing you want to be is a liability..

    ..I'm not sure why he wouldn't make the extra effort to make it work.

    ..Marco I’ll ask you this question with no disrespect intended...
    Does he consider you to be "High Maintenance"???

    ..If you know you are truly Not...Well he is not being accommodating..And neither should you...You Seem to be ready to "Roll with the punches"..
    ..But not the case for him...
    ..Talk to him...
    Hugz.. i hope you two can work it out.. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 01, 2012 1:25 AM GMT
    His fuck buddies from college are back for the semester. Y'all can be boyfriends again next summer when school is out again and the fuck buddies are gone.
  • DR2K

    Posts: 346

    Oct 01, 2012 7:28 AM GMT
    A reltionship isn't something you fit in your schedule or make time for. That's what a booty call is for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 03, 2012 3:11 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. Several of you echoed some of my same thoughts... if you love someone, even if time is limited, you will make some time.

    He wanted to downgrade our relationship to friends with benefits.

    When we speak on the phone (which is now rare), it is 2-3 minutes to tell me he is stressed. And then he acknowledges that he has no time to ask me about my day or life.

    He going to be in school the next 3 years. I hardly feel I am in a relationship or friendship anymore.

    Once he told me he was studying on a Sunday, so I went to his home with a pastry and drink. He kept texting me that he was busy with his sister and that I shouldn't have come unannounced. I waited 2 hours outside his door only to later knock and find out from his sister that he was not home. He was upset and then admitted that he was visiting his best friend. I asked him why he lied and he said he didn't want me asking questions and getting angry.

    ..so in his eyes, I guess I'm high maintenance... but I thought it was a romantic gesture...

    The "relationship" has naturally been withering away... I feel it that way...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 03, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    You waited two hours outside his door...without knocking?

    Ok, you've went from delusional to stalker. He wants to be part-time fuck buds. If you keep this up, he'll "downgrade" even more to restraining order.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 03, 2012 3:44 AM GMT
    To OP:

    Now you've caught him in a lie--one he didn't even need to tell. The relationship is already dead. Let it die.

    And next time you start dating, pace yourself. Take your time as you get to know a person. Keep your eyes and ears open. Don't become infatuated and fall helplessly in love--so much so that you find yourself bending backwards for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 03, 2012 3:49 AM GMT
    BlkMuscleGent saidTo OP:

    Now you've caught him in a lie--one he didn't even need to tell. The relationship is already dead. Let it die.

    And next time you start dating, pace yourself. Take your time as you get to know a person. Keep your eyes and ears open. Don't become infatuated and fall helplessly in love--so much so that you find yourself bending backwards for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you.


    Words of wisdom right here.

    Best thing to learn these things are from experience though so now you know better! (or we icon_razz.gif)
  • swimmer8671

    Posts: 429

    Oct 03, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    It is probably because he feels like as boyfriends you are obligated to spend a bunch of time together and he is too stressed to handle that right now.

    If you just tell him that you don't mind not seeing him for a week or two at a time and that you will give him his space to focus on his own shit he should be fine. Just don't be clingy or act like you HAVE to spend time with him, people got their own shit to handle and you should to.
  • aznduderocks

    Posts: 67

    Oct 03, 2012 3:59 AM GMT
    Talk to him - you are not going to get anything here because RJ folks are not him or know what's on his mind. If being boyfriend is what you want, then practice the open communication with each other icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 03, 2012 4:33 AM GMT
    Sorry man, he sounds incredibly selfish. With people like that there's only room for one love in their life, themselves. Maybe he'll grow out of it, and maybe not. In the meantime you should probably cut off all contact. Leave him wondering why he can't have his cake and eat it too. If you keep lines of communication open he's just going to continue to manipulate you and make you feel like the damaged one. Been there done that!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 03, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidYou waited two hours outside his door...without knocking?

    Ok, you've went from delusional to stalker. He wants to be part-time fuck buds. If you keep this up, he'll "downgrade" even more to restraining order.



    Hmmm...you know, Paul, he might have sat in his car for two hours in an agony of indecision and finally worked up the nerve to go to the door and knock.

    He did it only once. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 03, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidHis fuck buddies from college are back for the semester. Y'all can be boyfriends again next summer when school is out again and the fuck buddies are gone.

    BlkMuscleGent saidTo OP:

    Now you've caught him in a lie--one he didn't even need to tell. The relationship is already dead. Let it die.

    And next time you start dating, pace yourself. Take your time as you get to know a person. Keep your eyes and ears open. Don't become infatuated and fall helplessly in love--so much so that you find yourself bending backwards for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you.

    These^^

    First time I heard of downgrading a relationship. I agree with those who say that if someone is genuinely interested they will make the time to spend with you no matter how little spare time they have. Sounds like he sees a lot of interesting eye candy back in school and wants to taste them all.