So I think my shyness is a huge turn off

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    Oct 02, 2012 2:58 AM GMT
    Conversations usually go nowhere, how do I maintain a conversation without getting too fluttery or anxious
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    Oct 02, 2012 3:18 AM GMT
    mikeinslc saidConversations usually go nowhere, how do I maintain a conversation without getting too fluttery or anxious


    People generally like to talk about themselves so let them do most of the talking by showing interest and asking them questions.
  • HottJoe

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    Oct 02, 2012 6:33 AM GMT
    Hit on people who are out of league. They'll <3 you forever. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 02, 2012 6:36 AM GMT
    Shyness in itself isn't necessarily a hinderance (can often be however). You need to separate your shyness, which you can keep, from your conversation skills. Conversing is a skill, like a board game. You need to listen and ask questions, and inform your questions from what you listen to. If you feel yourself stuck just ask a question, ANY question. People love prompts that allow them to talk about themselves.
  • HottJoe

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    Oct 02, 2012 6:40 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidShyness in itself isn't necessarily a hinderance (can often be however). You need to separate your shyness, which you can keep, from your conversation skills. Conversing is a skill, like a board game. You need to listen and ask questions, and inform your questions from what you listen to. If you feel yourself stuck just ask a question, ANY question. People love prompts that allow them to talk about themselves.


    How can someone so clever be so beautiful?
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    Oct 02, 2012 6:44 AM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Ariodante saidShyness in itself isn't necessarily a hinderance (can often be however). You need to separate your shyness, which you can keep, from your conversation skills. Conversing is a skill, like a board game. You need to listen and ask questions, and inform your questions from what you listen to. If you feel yourself stuck just ask a question, ANY question. People love prompts that allow them to talk about themselves.


    How can someone so clever be so beautiful?
    Was thinking the same thing! Great answer. Also, try and find something you know about to discuss with the other person, like a hobby, your work, where you went to school, etc. It's always easier to talk about what you know than just anything off the cuff.
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    Oct 02, 2012 6:47 AM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Ariodante saidShyness in itself isn't necessarily a hinderance (can often be however). You need to separate your shyness, which you can keep, from your conversation skills. Conversing is a skill, like a board game. You need to listen and ask questions, and inform your questions from what you listen to. If you feel yourself stuck just ask a question, ANY question. People love prompts that allow them to talk about themselves.


    How can someone so clever be so beautiful?


    I've gotten beat up by life a lot. I've been the guy who has nothing to say in conversations. I've been the guy with all the awkward silences and guys walking away because of terrible conversations. You only learn these things after you've done all of them wrong to begin with, over and over and over. And thank you for that icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 02, 2012 7:07 AM GMT
    maintain a conversation by asking questions and following up your questions with more questions

    then pull in your stories, anecdotes, opinions, or even stories about other people to relate to the answers to the questions


    you can weave in multiple layers of topics all at once. smile, be engaged - if youre bored then that's not the right person. i hope this post is helpful
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    Oct 02, 2012 8:27 AM GMT
    Just be sure about yourself- not so much about your physical looks but about your personality. You have interests, hobbies, things you do everyday. An anecdote can be much more engaging if it were said in a certain way with confidence.

    Having said that, people will always find those who they don't get along very well with and that's fine. Don't feel you always have to maintain an interesting conversation with someon.
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    Oct 02, 2012 9:22 AM GMT
    There are books about this. You should read one of them. I'm not being a smart ass.
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    Oct 02, 2012 9:44 AM GMT
    Life experience and getting out of your comfort zone! I would say those two have helped me the most.

    Another bit of advice would be to surround yourself with people who have similar interests to you, that way you give yourself a common talking point so things don't get awkward.

    I wish there was a black and white answer but it really does come down to experience, so go out there and practice as much as you can. Think of each time you have a conversation that doesn't go to plan that it is learning experience for the next time.

    Do things like travel, take up a new hobby, read up a book, improve an aspect of your job, take up personal development courses or learn a language. The more life experience you have the more things you can talk about and the more you can add to your conversations.

    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 02, 2012 12:32 PM GMT
    Honestly.. There is no way to get out of the ''shy zone'' Without trying to socialize.

    When I was in 1st-9th grade. I was seriously shy, I couldn't even for myself when I was in class or just to random people. In 10th grade, I realized that there is nothing to be afraid of. (Of course if you speak to the wrong type of people but still, ordinary people won't do anything to you)

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    Oct 02, 2012 12:38 PM GMT
    I find I am "shy" around boring loser-types. It's kind of strange, but when I am around smart/fun people I am all about having a fun time, but if it's a lot of boring people, I cling to a wall and search for a way out of there. My advice? Find more fun people to hang with and feed off their positive energy. Boring people always suck, you get more than one or two in a room and pretty soon everyone is starting to become stupid.
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    Oct 02, 2012 1:20 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidI find I am "shy" around boring loser-types. It's kind of strange, but when I am around smart/fun people I am all about having a fun time, but if it's a lot of boring people, I cling to a wall and search for a way out of there. My advice? Find more fun people to hang with and feed off their positive energy. Boring people always suck, you get more than one or two in a room and pretty soon everyone is starting to become stupid.


    +1!
  • HottJoe

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    Oct 02, 2012 1:52 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidI find I am "shy" around boring loser-types. It's kind of strange, but when I am around smart/fun people I am all about having a fun time, but if it's a lot of boring people, I cling to a wall and search for a way out of there. My advice? Find more fun people to hang with and feed off their positive energy. Boring people always suck, you get more than one or two in a room and pretty soon everyone is starting to become stupid.


    Liquor makes idiots less boring/more fun, if you're the drinking type. Not that you want to sink to their level.... It's kind of the ultimate "if you can't beat them join them" strategy for socializing with flakes.icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 02, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    Is is all about asking open ended questions and then probing deeper. Just think about some interesting questions to ask, and the conversation will naturally go from there. icon_smile.gif

    If you get all fluttery, then you have to think of you and him on equal footing. That will significantly reduce the anxiety. If you think oh he is so cute and hot and he is talking to little old me, then your mind has already lost focus, and your ability to maintain a conversation will wane.
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    Oct 02, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    Conversing is most of my job, so one might say I'm an expert icon_wink.gif The key to having a conversation with someone is ASK QUESTIONS about them. People will not miss an opportunity to talk about themselves.

    Now go out and practice you must, my young padawan
  • starboard5

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    Oct 02, 2012 2:20 PM GMT
    One point I don't think anyone has made: this kind of social shyness is actually self-centered in that the real center of your attention is yourself: what do I look like, what do I sound like, what are they thinking of me? It can be helpful when you're talking to someone or thinking of approaching someone to visualize them in a difficult situation. To realize that they have experienced loss or rejection just as you have. Your fears are largely self centered.

    Of course, we don't have any true control over how people respond to us. Everything goes through their filters and you can't predict the outcome. But as long as you know you have been friendly, if they respond negatively, the bad is all on them. And would you want to be friends with someone like that?
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    Oct 02, 2012 2:24 PM GMT
    I've noticed over the last few years that I get extremely shy around guys that I'm attracted to. Around my friends/family, I don't ever shut up. It does create somewhat of a stigma, especially when you walk into a social setting and everyone seems to think you're an uptight asshole because you're not really saying much. As I said, I wasn't ever really like this until a few years ago. The only way I've found that helps is to just put yourself in the position that makes you shy...and battle your way through it.
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    Oct 02, 2012 2:28 PM GMT
    fuzzywuzzy saidI've noticed over the last few years that I get extremely shy around guys that I'm attracted to. Around my friends/family, I don't ever shut up. It does create somewhat of a stigma, especially when you walk into a social setting and everyone seems to think you're an uptight asshole because you're not really saying much. As I said, I wasn't ever really like this until a few years ago. The only way I've found that helps is to just put yourself in the position that makes you shy...and battle your way through it.


    I understand 100% what you mean. I have Aspergers so the only way to overcome that as well is to put myself in positions that make me shy or uncomfortable and battle through it. It doesn't help that my parents, namely my father, beat into my head the idea to never but into someone else's conversation so when i DO try and join an ongoing conversation, i end up coming away from it feeling like I did something incredibly stupid.
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    Oct 02, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    I have a bit of shyness myself. But I get over it by remembering that all of these guys are human just like you. Strike up a conversation about common interests and you may find yourself not being able to stop talking.
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    Oct 02, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    Hmmm... wow. These are great advices. This should boost my confident a little. Thank you all the kind sirs for sharing your imputs. Nice read. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 02, 2012 8:56 PM GMT
    i have seen your previous posts..and i think it's time for you to push for a big change..!!
    ..You probably need to engage more...go out more ..the quiet reserved life you have chosen seems to frustrate you at times!

    ..Where are your close friends??...maybe it's time to hang with them more?
    .. Shyness isn't a turnoff unless you make it awkward.....
    ..You are 30 ..if this is an issue ..make it your mission to correct this before 31??..
    Lighten up..and make it work..!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 02, 2012 9:07 PM GMT
    mikeinslc saidConversations usually go nowhere, how do I maintain a conversation without getting too fluttery or anxious

    Saying "without getting too fluttery or anxious" makes me think you are thinking too much about what you are going to say and how it is going to come out. Try to get beyond the self-consciousness and start talking.
  • HottJoe

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    Oct 02, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    Iceblink said
    mikeinslc saidConversations usually go nowhere, how do I maintain a conversation without getting too fluttery or anxious

    Saying "without getting too fluttery or anxious" makes me think you are thinking too much about what you are going to say and how it is going to come out. Try to get beyond the self-consciousness and start talking.


    This. It's better to risk making a fool of yourself than to never to express yourself at all. Even if the worse case scenario comes true and you say all the wrong things, at least you'll learn for next time.