FORUMS > Mental Health Forum Rules

All throughout high school I tried to change my sexuality; during the daytime I was able to convince myself that I was straight, but every night I'd jack off to gay porn. So I esstentially changed nothing. After "failing" to change and convinced I was going to Hell (thank you Catholic Church!) I fell into a deep depression.

I was placed on medications which made me gain an enormous amount of weight. I used to be thin and muscular. Even when I considered myself straight I was hit on all the time by gay guys and even girls. Now, it seems as though everyone stares right through me. I hope to be back in shape this Christmas... and even more muscular than before.... but it hurts not being noticed at all anymore.

So many people say, "Chris, you are the nicest person I have met in a long time." Or, "Chris, you have a lot to offer to this world and will someday make someone very happy." Blah blah blah. It is depressing but the initial physical attraction is what brings two people to talk with each other. Yes, there are exceptions though.

I was just on one of those dating websites (there aren't a lot of gay bars and clubs where I'm from... so it's hard to meet guys), and I hit it off with this one guy. He seemed nice and undersatnding. I even told him my whole "depression/coming out of the closet" story, and nothing scared him. i told him i was in the processes of getting back into shape not only for my self image but for health reasons. Then he asked to see a recent pic of me... which i showed him since I trusted him. Well, he stopped talking with me now.

Anyways, i guess i'm frustrated because people think I'm fat cause I eat too much McDonald's and too many donuts. When in reality, it was past medications which got me this way. Thank God I'm off of them now. But I eat healthier and workout more than most of my thinner friends. I hate fast food, soda, candy, etc. I am not a pig who gorges down food constantly (though I feel for those who are stuck in that addictive behavior and empathize with them).

*sigh*

I guess i had to get that out, because I want to find true love.... or even have a night of hot sex... I'm still a virgin! (I came out in 2005 and feel self-conscious about my body and will not persue sex until I am happier with my body Image.)

Has anyone else felt this way before.... or feel this way now?

No. I lost weight and muscle mass.

Depression affects everyone differently.

I'm open about my depression and that I am on anti-depressants. You know after suffering for so many years, I need it. And I feel amazingly better than ever.

I still have my ups and downs (yesterday especially!), but it isn't extreme like it use to me.

The best thing you can do is to work on you. Before you can enter any relationship, you need to take care of yourself. Stop eating the doughnuts, clean up your diet, surround yourself with positive and uplifting people and to love yourself.

You're not going to Hell. If we lived by whatever version of the Bible is out there, ALL OF US would be going to Hell.

Keep your chin up, okay?

Yeah, I was on Zoloft for a while and gained more than a few pounds.

Exercising regularly does help - it's not a cure-all, but it does make it easier to get through the day/week.

You're doing the best thing you can do - you're working out. Remember that progress isn't instant - and don't blame yourself for others' shallowness. Make working out a reward in itself - set a goal and then feel great when you beat it.

Small steps add up to big changes. Best of luck.

For me, the meds didn't cause the weight gain, but they zapped all my energy. Getting through a day at work became rough when, by about 2pm, all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep. I'm pretty sensitive to caffeine and if I were to have a cup of coffee after 2pm, I would be awake til at least 12 or 1am. While on the meds, I would drink a cup at 2pm and I would be lucky if the buzz lasted til 5 when it was time to go home.

I also love food, and will sometimes choose what I eat based on how it will make me feel (ie, comfort food). So between the constant lack of energy and sometimes eating not as well as I should, I put on some weight and peaked heavier than I had ever been in my life.

About three months after I was completely off the meds, I was ready to hit the gym again....I was even looking forward to it. Apparently Murphy had other plans for me. I ended up tearing my ACL and medical meniscus, so that added another four to six months to my recovery last year. Once I got back to the gym and started making some more diet changes, I dropped some weight pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about the shallowness of gay men. I've learned that the hard way over the years. It's funny how many of us on here have similar backgrounds, yet continue to only focus on the "hot" guys and ignore/be rude to the "unattractive".

I've struggled with my weight for my entire life, so I didn't have the benefit of people hitting on me like you did. I've always been in the place you are now where everyone just ignores you or stops talking to you once you send them a picture. That's why I put up recent pictures now. It's better to have someone ignore you right off the bat than to hit it off with someone and then have them disappear.

Over the years, I've always had "more important" issues to focus on in my life than getting into shape. So, eating right and going to the gym was always something I did off and on, but never focused on. School, hobbies, and work always came first in my life. I think that was conscious because I was also trying to fight being gay. So, I'm guessing a small part of me thought if I remained out of shape, I wouldn't have to deal with it because no one would talk to me anyways.

But, things are different now and I want to eventually meet someone - hell, I'd be happy if people would just talk to me as a friend. ha ha! But, now that I can, I've hired a personal trainer and gotten nutritional advice. So, I'm well on my way to being healthy and attractive. Hopefully then guys will see what my straight friends have always known - that I'm an awesome person.

So, to answer your question, yes, I've had depression off and on and I'm sure the medication didn't help my weight. I still struggle with depression now even though I've lost almost 40 pounds this year. It's just something you have to deal with and work through - like any problem.

What you have to understand though is that you can't change other people's thoughts or feelings. You have to be happy with yourself before someone else will like you.

Good luck though. I definitely know what you're going through.

cjcscubamed, yep. It's exactly where I am now. 22, still a virgin and out of shape, but the exact opposite, I'm stick thin. I have self-confidence issues too which bring me down every now and then. I too had a period of deep depression in my teens because of my being gay (and an unrequited love).

Just remember, be thankful that at this stage we can spot the shallow people pretty easily. Use the anger about those that won't take the time to talk to us.

Repeat after me: 'Someday I'll be hawt and you'll be sorry!' LOL

Keep the chin up, man. Because someday... we ARE going to be hawt! And they're gonna be sorry! LOL

Yep! I gained a bunch of weight when I was on Zoloft so I switched to Cymbalta, which made me violently ill.

Now I'm back to Zoloft, which curiously hasn't made me gain weight this time.

First psychology treatment is still in a theory stage. They understand the basics of the inner workings of the body but not they dont have a full understanding. That is why its all trial and error when it comes to treatment. Not only does depression effect people differently but so do the meds.

I was diagnosed 10 years ago with severe depression tried multiple medications. Some worked but had unwanted sexual side effects (*paxil and its 5hr erection*) while others didnt do much of anything. Eventually I said screw it I dont want to be a lab rat and stopped my meds, well at least until 3 months ago when I felt like I was loosing my mind. I went to my primary care who referred me to a great psychiatrist. The verdict is bipolar, which i suspected, and placed on 900mg lithium, which works great and for the first time in my life I feel normal.

Throughout the 10+years my weight was up and down sometimes as much as 150lb. My current medication has been known to cause weight gain as well but Im not worried because Ill just change my workout to compensate any changes.