I Hate My Dad!

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    Oct 04, 2012 8:09 PM GMT
    So all my life my dad has been sick (Type 2 diabetes) I have been there for him and took care of him through, toe amputations, eye problems, kidney failure, dialysis issues, heart surgery etc etc etc.

    I always waited on him hand and foot, and never lived a life of my own. I was too afraid to come out to him, and aside of doing stuff for him...we never really talked, not about sex, not about drugs, nothing...he always knew I was gay though.

    He has issues with sores on his foot, and pneumonia, and such and he keeps going to the hospital. MY issue is that he never does what he is suppose to do when he is suppose to do it. He waits and waits and waits till it gets horrible and he almost dead before he goes. Then guess who has to deal with the damage and aftermath...Me. Changing his bandages everyday, tying up his boot for his foot, getting him food and bringing him stuff all the time. im sick of him not taking care of himself. I beg and beg him to go to the hospital and doctor when I see stuff is wrong, but he doesnt...yet he expects me to always drop everything im doing and be there.

    The sad part is he doesnt even accept me for being gay, so I do all this for someone who doesnt truly accept me, yet the stuff I do he dismisses as nothing because I am his son.

    I want to leave him, but feel I can't because I don't want him to be alone, but he likes Alabama. He never understands where im coming from, if I dont come to the hospital enough or do everything he ask, he gets mad.

    I feel stuck and trapped, and either way it goes...i feel like there is nothing I can do. I want my dad to be ok, but I dont want to watch over him the rest of my life. I want to get out, and be free to be me.

    Please tell me what to do? Because I resent him so much, he even makes gay comments around me. He acts as if he is the victim and does guilt trips all the time, I try to bear it because he sick..but I just cant anymore.

    I can't win...whether I leave or stay I will be unhappy. Is this problem even solveable.
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    Oct 04, 2012 8:54 PM GMT
    When you've truly had enough, you'll leave. And be happy.

    I look forward to that day.
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    Oct 04, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    Hey Jamie,
    So I know where you are coming from. I've had multiple family members that have gotten very sick. I won't bore you with my story, but i've found out that unless they want to be healed, they won't be. Unless they are willing to go to appointments, undergo therapy, and take medicine nothing will happen.

    My suggestion would be to tell your dad all of this. How much you have sacrificed, and how much you are suffering because of all of this. Tell him that if he does not get treatment, you will leave or not care for him anymore.

    I know you are being put in an impossible situation, but you need to remember that if he doesn't care for you as much as you care for him, then he's not worth the pain.

    You are not the bad guy. You are both good people in a bad situation. Only when you let a bad situation turn you bad do you become the bad guy. Your dad has let the situation get to him, while you haven't. You could have left a long time ago, but you continue standing by him.

    I think it is time that you stand by you. If he is willing to change then stand by him and let him know you support him, but you should not support his bad decisions and behavior. I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done.

    Good luck with whatever you choose.
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    Oct 04, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    It's ok for you to leave an ungrateful parent. And you only have one life too.
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    Oct 04, 2012 9:00 PM GMT
    Jamie everyone keeps telling you the same thing: get out. You think you will be unhappier once you leave? Maybe at first, but think long-term.
  • HottJoe

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    Oct 04, 2012 9:00 PM GMT
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    Oct 04, 2012 9:03 PM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh saidJamie everyone keeps telling you the same thing: get out. You think you will be unhappier once you leave? Maybe at first, but think long-term.


    How can I live, knowing my father is at home sick...and I am far away

    What kind of son would I be?

    My dad already thinks I have no heart, and tells me im so cold...but truth is im just tired of this.

    I am mentally and physically drained.
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    Oct 04, 2012 9:07 PM GMT
    JamieJfromtheA said
    JumpMan_Josh saidJamie everyone keeps telling you the same thing: get out. You think you will be unhappier once you leave? Maybe at first, but think long-term.


    How can I live, knowing my father is at home sick...and I am far away

    What kind of son would I be?

    My dad already thinks I have no heart, and tells me im so cold...but truth is im just tired of this.

    I am mentally and physically drained.


    You live because you know you have to. Because you know there's more than life than taking care of someone who is constantly putting you down.

    Life is all about perspective, man. I understand your situation a lot (I'm from Alabama, I'm stuck taking care of my younger brother and mom) but there will be a time when I'm ready to leave and I will leave. I think in the long run your dad would want you to be happy and live your life the way you see fit, even if he doesn't say it.
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    Oct 04, 2012 9:18 PM GMT
    communication is the solution , face him . Tell him the things you hate , tell him:" why cant you carry a good conversation , doesnt seem that you are trying ! , i respect you and take care of you ,i expect the same from you " . if you noticed him changing after facing him , stay with him . if not , leave ! you did your best , you dont need someone who you took care of for long time to disrespect you and making you feling stuck thats so horrible never think its ok! you are not living in piece . even if its your dad , you did all what you could do , you causing your self sadness is so horrible , you are clearly hurting yourself . if he doesn't change after you face him , you totally must quite his life.
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    Oct 04, 2012 9:21 PM GMT
    You keep asking us what you should do about this situation, but you keep ignoring everyones advice, hoping someone will eventually give you a different answer. I'm going to tell you like it is Jamie.....you need to get out of there. The problem is, you're attaching your sense of self worth to how much abuse you'll take. (Very common with Southerners). If you leave the suffering behind, somehow in your head, that means you've chosen the easy way out and that makes you weak. But this is all bullshit. As far as we know, we're only given one life to live. If this is how you chose to spend that life, then by all means do it. But we both know it's not. You're taking care of a man who despises you. The only reason you stay is that you're related by blood. And that's no reason to waste your life on this ungrateful man. If he were grateful and accepted you for who you are, that would be one thing, but he's abusing you. If you were a child, this would be criminal. But you're an adult, and YOU are the one making the choice to stay. You have family. Make a big announcement to everyone that you're leaving and make sure everyone knows why. And toss those house keys at their feet.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Oct 04, 2012 9:33 PM GMT
    My friend, you volunteered to be your dad's caretaker.

    But, it appears to have come to a point where the job is ruining your life.

    You need to start taking care of yourself.

    There are all kinds of government (city, state, and federal) programs available to take care of your dad.

    Call the office of your United States Congressional Representative, or Senator, or your state legislators, or your city's mayor's office. Tell them about your dad's medical condition. Ask them who you can contact to get care for him. Don't say that YOU need help. Say that your DAD needs help.

    My grandmother lived in New York State.
    The State provided, free of charge, round the clock care for her (in home nurses, staying with her, working in shifts, feeding her, bathing her, and doing everything else that she needed).

    There has to be some kind of similar benefits available for your dad, so that you can be free to live your own life.

    YOU don't need this help.
    Your DAD needs this help.

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    Oct 04, 2012 9:47 PM GMT
    It's called Codependency: it's the worst addiction of all because the problem is you, not him.

    This story is a wonderful example of self-righteous anger.
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    Oct 04, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    Stop your whining. If it were really that bad, you'd do something about it.

    If you really hate your dad, come out to him. What do you have to lose?
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    Oct 04, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    Send him to the nursing home, if he can't accept you.
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:16 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidStop your whining. If it were really that bad, you'd do something about it.

    If you really hate your dad, come out to him. What do you have to lose?


    I'm out, I told my dad I was gay awhile ago, and he has always has known. I dont know what to do.

    Im not in the closet! I never could be, my sisters outed me when I was young.

    I can understand leaving Al, because of the bullying, and predjudice...but if my dad died when while I was gone...I dont think I could ever forgive myself.

    What's the point of getting out, if that problem just follows me. I can't stop caring about my dad.
  • HottJoe

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    Oct 04, 2012 10:21 PM GMT
    JamieJfromtheA said
    bhp91126 saidStop your whining. If it were really that bad, you'd do something about it.

    If you really hate your dad, come out to him. What do you have to lose?


    I'm out, I told my dad I was gay awhile ago, and he has always has known. I dont know what to do.

    Im not in the closet! I never could be, my sisters outed me when I was young.

    I can understand leaving Al, because of the bullying, and predjudice...but if my dad died when while I was gone...I dont think I could ever forgive myself.

    What's the point of getting out, if that problem just follows me. I can't stop caring about my dad.


    Sounds like you're not looking for advice, but rather support for decisions you've already made.
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    JamieJfromtheA said
    JumpMan_Josh saidJamie everyone keeps telling you the same thing: get out. You think you will be unhappier once you leave? Maybe at first, but think long-term.

    How can I live, knowing my father is at home sick...and I am far away

    What kind of son would I be?

    My dad already thinks I have no heart, and tells me im so cold...but truth is im just tired of this.

    I am mentally and physically drained.

    Of course you are drained. And nothing I can say will change that.

    You ask what kind of son you would be. Better than most, I think, because you ask us this. One of my tedious stories:

    When my Father had his first heart attack I flew across the country to be with him. I already knew he was terminally ill with cancer, but I wasn't supposed to tell him, the doctors all lied to him. They told my sister & me he was a goner, but not him. That experience later came to haunt me when I developed the very same cancer.

    We had never been close. In fact, we had often fought like cats & dogs. A more cold & remote father I could not imagine. And yet he was strangely very generous to me, I don't know if he was compensating or what.

    I spent the last 6 weeks of his life with him, the very best we ever had together in my 48 years. I literally had to save his life 3 times with CPR when he had a total of 5 more heart attacks in those few weeks, before the last one took him late at night. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to administer CPR to your own father, while he's dying right in front of you? Not easy, I can tell you.

    And when he was finally gone, I realized how much I loved him, and missed him. Yeah, easy to say in hindsight.

    But even so, I realized what a great guy he was, and that our disagreements were as much my fault as his. Beware you aren't going to find out the same thing yourself, much to your sorrow. And that when you learn it, like me, it's not until it's too late to tell him.

    Sons & fathers are a strange dynamic. Think well about your own relationship, before it's too late to amend what you may later find can no longer be amended across the grave.
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    JamieJfromtheA said
    JumpMan_Josh saidJamie everyone keeps telling you the same thing: get out. You think you will be unhappier once you leave? Maybe at first, but think long-term.

    How can I live, knowing my father is at home sick...and I am far away

    What kind of son would I be?

    My dad already thinks I have no heart, and tells me im so cold...but truth is im just tired of this.

    I am mentally and physically drained.

    Of course you are drained. And nothing I can say will change that.

    You ask what kind of son you would be. Better than most, I think, because you ask us this. One of my tedious stories:

    When my Father had his first heart attack I flew across the country to be with him. I already knew he was terminally ill with cancer, but I wasn't supposed to tell him, the doctors all lied to him. They told my sister & me he was a goner, but not him. That later came to haunt me when I developed the very same cancer.

    We had never been close. In fact, we had often fought like cats & dogs. A more cold & remote father I could not imagine. And yet he was strangely very generous to me, I don't know if he was compensating or what.

    I spent the last 6 weeks of his life with him, the very best we ever had together in my 48 years. I literally had to save his life 3 times with CPR when he had a total of 5 more heart attacks in those few weeks, before the last one took him late at night. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to administer CPR to your own father, while he's dying right in front of you? Not easy, I can tell you.

    And when he was finally gone, I realized how much I loved him, and missed him. Yeah, easy to say in hindsight.

    But even so, I realized what a great guy he was, and that our disagreements were as much my fault as his. Beware you aren't going to find out the same thing yourself, much to your sorrow. And that when you learn it, like me, it's not until it's too late to tell him.

    Sons & fathers are a strange dynamic. Think well about your own relationship, before it's too late to amend what you may later find can no longer be amended.


    Thanks for that

    You know I try to be there for him. I already lost two of my brother and my mom. SO i know death is possible, and I try God knows I try...but its like the harder I try the harder I fail

    It's the reason you gave which is why I dont juse "leave" I dont want me and my father on a sad note especially when he is almost 60 and constantly in the hospital(hes there now) but I feel so bad.

    you know if he would just try, it would let me be ok. Its not that i even have a problem helping him out..but when he sees there is an issue and he does nothing about it, and I beg him to go to the doc and stuff and he doesnt...yet expects me to always be there...thats unfair.

    I don't want to leave on bad terms. Im trying to finish school and get a career so I can atleast put something aside for both of us, but its not happening fast enough.


    It sounds so horrid, but when my dad's in the hospital or not around and i am by myself. I feel...at peace and calmer. Like a breath of fresh air comes over me and I can breathe.

    I know I should, but I just dont want any regrets.
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:36 PM GMT
    JamieJfromtheA said
    I know I should, but I just dont want any regrets.



    And there's you're decision.
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    Jamie do you have brothers and sisters?...Are they involved in taking care of your dad?
    ..I really see how this frustrates you...Time you had a heart to heart with your dad..Maybe something along these lines...

    "Dad...I love you. & I am very grateful to you for so many things"
    .."You not taking care of yourself as you should is creating so many issues for me"..."The worry and frustration is becoming unbearable"

    .."Dad"...”I'm pleading with you to take better care of yourself "...”it would help to really lighten my load".. "Dad I really love you… but… this is almost as if you are being ungrateful”

    ..”Dad”...”Please …I’m asking to make it easier for me...to make things easier for you”

    ..What do you think Jamie??
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    Sounds like he needs to be in assisted living or a nursing home. He needs professional care. It is not a betrayal for you to live your life. You can visit any time. Throwing your life away taking care of him is not what you are here for. You'll both be better off with him in a home, getting professional care, and you not stressed out taking care of him, and able to live yur own life. There does come a time when we have to entrust the care of our loved ones to others.
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidJamie do you have brothers and sisters?...Are they involved in taking care of your dad?
    ..I really see how this frustrates you...Time you had a heart to heart with your dad..Maybe something along these lines...

    "Dad...I love you. & I am very grateful to you for so many things"
    .."You not taking care of yourself as you should is creating so many issues for me"..."The worry and frustration is becoming unbearable"

    .."Dad"...”I'm pleading with you to take better care of yourself "...”it would help to really lighten my load".. "Dad I really love you… but… this is almost as if you are being ungrateful”

    ..”Dad”...”Please …I’m asking to make it easier for me...to make things easier for you”

    ..What do you think Jamie??


    All my sisters are on my late mother's side.

    It's just me and him, always have been, when I was sick with Sickle Cell he was there, and when I was in a wheelchair he was there.

    I have said those things and cried so many times and expressed more than I can count, but things just dont change.

    Its only me and my dad. I wish people saw that. Its not easy just to leave. I didnt have anyone else and neither does he. He doesnt have a mom and dad, they died when he was young, and my mom died when I was 13.

    It's not easy...I wish it was, but its not. Theres alot of things I resent about my dad, but at the end of the day... he's my dad.
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    Oct 04, 2012 10:57 PM GMT
    i've had a somewhat similar situation with my Dad except i wasn't the only one taking care of him, though i got a fair chunk of it.
    He also had Type II diabetes, amputation of a leg, kidney failure
    ( yeah, driving him 3 times/week to hospital) , heart failure.
    We were always in some kind of rivalry before, i resented him for a long time etc... but his last 2 years were a total truce . Never told him i was gay, but i don't think he would have cared one way or another. I suppose he knew.
    But it was not important.

    So i say you're doing the right thing.. and considering the stage he's at now, it's not like he's got 10 years ahead of him. In such situations we just have to suck it up and forget the "why me" issue.
    He's dealing with huge pain, gradual body shutdown, facing his own death etc.. so bear with him. You'll still have a life after he's gone.
    You also don't have to tell him you're gay.. all that coming out business is in some cases way overrated.
    Now if you have a steady boyfriend you really love, hiding him in a closet isn't any good either. But that i don't know.
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    Oct 05, 2012 1:58 AM GMT
    You can learn a great deal about forgiveness when you take care of an ailing parent, but you mentioned sisters, why are you the only child burdened with your fathers care?
    If you can not stay healthy while caring for your father, then neither of you will be OK. Someone else said to sit down and have a serious conversation with him, I would second that. Tell him exactly how you fell, lay it out on the table and see how he responds. If he can not find a way to accept and respect you, then you should be strong enough to walk away at that point. The guilt you seem to have about leaving him is beyond me, your father has these self inflicted diseases and he is holding you hostage to be his caretaker. It sounds insane to me.
  • blueandgold

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    Oct 05, 2012 1:58 AM GMT
    I know a lot of people here are saying, more or less, that you should ditch him. I'm not sure where this sentiment comes from in our society, but its fairly common. I think you're doing a great thing - you will only ever have one family.

    That being said, you have a right to live your life. Try to find some kind of compromise. Like others have said, communication is key.