Dating someone with depression

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2012 2:57 AM GMT
    Hey mates,

    Hope that everyone is doing well. I wanted to get others' feedback on dating someone with depression. Here's the scenario...

    Met a guy about 3 months ago. We started spending a lot of time over weekends hanging out and doing stuff. We fooled around after month 1, but still haven't gone "all the way." He's a special guy to me, and that to me, is worth waiting for. Problem is, he's been kinda shy, and meek, and never really put two and two together until a conversation I had with him last Friday.

    He basically said that he feels overwhelmed with life, and he would like a life with no responsibility, yadda yadda. He has become very close to me, asking me to be his boyfriend about 3 weeks ago, to which my feeling was mutual. Last Friday though, hit me like a ton of bricks. This guys is a worrier about everything. Don't get me wrong, he has some excellent qualities, but when he starts telling me that he feels like he doesn't have time to do anything anymore, and he doesn't see his friends, (which I don't understand, because I get to hang out with mine.), that kind of writes on my wall.

    So Friday, I made the suggestion of seeing a councillor. He FLAT out refused, telling me that he had a bad experience in the past, and so forth. I told him that I believe that emotionally, we were growing distant because of these depressed feelings, and offered to even go with him. He said that it would be weird going with me. I told him that I cannot help him. This guy has taken and taken from me, and I feel like emotionally, we are on two different maturity levels. He has started telling me that he doesn't feel like he's good enough for me. He joins me for dinner with my friday night group of friends, but he stopped us from hanging out with his when I noticed his friends like me. I have done everything to make this guy feel special.

    Here's the caveat... I see under all of that, he has a good heart, but i see that he doesn't want to get help. He told me after that he would think about it, but it's his passive aggressive way of saying no. I told him that I cannot carry the relationship anymore, that everything has to be equal. He started crying, stating that he cares for me and likes being with me. Part of me wants to call it off and part just wants to get to know him a little deeper, and maybe this will pass.

    In the gay community here, I have gone out with guys whom do nothing but play head games, cheat, lie, etc. I know that he is not the type to do that, but I'm curious to hear what everyone has to say. Thanks in advance for your input.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • curtis818

    Posts: 13

    Oct 05, 2012 5:44 AM GMT
    It hurts like hell but some people dont want help. Some are happy with their misery. All you can do is love them from a distance.

    Dr. Bronson, PhD
    Psychologist
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 05, 2012 6:16 AM GMT
    Misery loves company- too little time to invest and become b/f's with someone that fast who wants a life with no responsibility-sounds like a bum. That combined with a depressed guy who won't help himself? All equals a drama filled relationship where you will get back so much less than you give. Kick it to the Chorus.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2012 6:23 AM GMT
    curtis818 saidIt hurts like hell but some people dont want help. Some are happy with their misery. All you can do is love them from a distance.

    Dr. Bronson, PhD
    Psychologist

    This*
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Oct 05, 2012 7:01 AM GMT
    curtis818 saidIt hurts like hell but some people dont want help. Some are happy with their misery. All you can do is love them from a distance.

    Dr. Bronson, PhD
    Psychologist


    ^^^^ This.

    You cannot help your friend. You can support him as part of his support structure along with his other friends and family (if he has any supportive family). Having dealt with clinical depression myself I understand his perspective. I also understand his reluctance to see a counselor. However, this is the only real option I am aware of and he must want to get better more than he dislikes the idea of repeating the alleged bad experience. If he will not accept your proper support, such as being willing to go with him, loving him, supporting his recovery from depression, I am afraid there is nothing more you can do.

    If you need to, feel free to message me through RJ email or IM if you see me on, and I'd be happy to talk to you more. Those who support their depressed loved ones need support too. Please take care of yourself so you can be in a position to care for him.
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    Oct 05, 2012 7:08 AM GMT
    Sean..this is going to be a challenge..
    ..This will not pass unless he does some work to combat his depression..

    ..It's very nice of you to try to assist him in getting help..but..these are things he should have / should be willing done on his own to aid this relationship..!

    ..I really hate to bring you down with worse news... There is a very good chance that a relationship will make him even more unstable.. (Be careful)

    ..Sean...you cannot build a relationship on depression and misery..!!
    ,,Talk to him again..it's time he gets help..!
    Good luck icon_smile.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2012 9:31 AM GMT
    Through thick and thin I will be always there for my partner but having said that if my partner didn't display the characteristics of positive thinking and confidence/energy to do things in life when I first met him, then he wouldn't have attracted my interest at all. Everyone is different however I really find having a healthy self-esteem and a "non-dependent on each other" approach is the best for the long term. The last thing you want is for you to "fix" him, that's not your job and it shouldn't be like that. There is plenty of people out there with good souls. Wishing you all the best icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 05, 2012 9:55 AM GMT
    sounds like he has codependent personality disorder
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Oct 05, 2012 10:50 AM GMT
    Dating someone who refuses to seek treatment for their own depression is as frustrating as it is draining. Until your friend is actively working on improving his mental health he will be of little use to you or himself in a relationship.
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    Oct 05, 2012 11:19 AM GMT
    Start slipping 10mg of Lexapro in his coffee every morning and get back to us in 4-6 weeks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2012 11:21 AM GMT
    This could be incredibly draining for you, but it also could be very rewarding.
    He has problems that he needs to deal with and needs professional help along with support from those around him. It also needs him to realise this as well.
    You need to weigh up what you are prepared to "invest" in this relationship against the potential benefits and how likely success is.
    This person needs a lot of patient guidance and encouragement....are you up to it, a.d willing to risk that effort ???
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    Oct 05, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    Thanks so much guys, for all of the good advice! This is why I love this forum. I plan on having another chat with him tonight. I've already told him that I will be there for him, but he has to want to see himself in a better state of mind. Of course, he's had a number of days to think, so tonight will be the real test. I will definitely keep you guys posted.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Oct 05, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    GTPSean saidHey mates,

    Hope that everyone is doing well. I wanted to get others' feedback on dating someone with depression. Here's the scenario...

    Met a guy about 3 months ago. We started spending a lot of time over weekends hanging out and doing stuff. We fooled around after month 1, but still haven't gone "all the way." He's a special guy to me, and that to me, is worth waiting for. Problem is, he's been kinda shy, and meek, and never really put two and two together until a conversation I had with him last Friday.

    He basically said that he feels overwhelmed with life, and he would like a life with no responsibility, yadda yadda. He has become very close to me, asking me to be his boyfriend about 3 weeks ago, to which my feeling was mutual. Last Friday though, hit me like a ton of bricks. This guys is a worrier about everything. Don't get me wrong, he has some excellent qualities, but when he starts telling me that he feels like he doesn't have time to do anything anymore, and he doesn't see his friends, (which I don't understand, because I get to hang out with mine.), that kind of writes on my wall.

    So Friday, I made the suggestion of seeing a councillor. He FLAT out refused, telling me that he had a bad experience in the past, and so forth. I told him that I believe that emotionally, we were growing distant because of these depressed feelings, and offered to even go with him. He said that it would be weird going with me. I told him that I cannot help him. This guy has taken and taken from me, and I feel like emotionally, we are on two different maturity levels. He has started telling me that he doesn't feel like he's good enough for me. He joins me for dinner with my friday night group of friends, but he stopped us from hanging out with his when I noticed his friends like me. I have done everything to make this guy feel special.

    Here's the caveat... I see under all of that, he has a good heart, but i see that he doesn't want to get help. He told me after that he would think about it, but it's his passive aggressive way of saying no. I told him that I cannot carry the relationship anymore, that everything has to be equal. He started crying, stating that he cares for me and likes being with me. Part of me wants to call it off and part just wants to get to know him a little deeper, and maybe this will pass.

    In the gay community here, I have gone out with guys whom do nothing but play head games, cheat, lie, etc. I know that he is not the type to do that, but I'm curious to hear what everyone has to say. Thanks in advance for your input.

    Cheers,

    Sean


    Break it off. It isn't healthy and he'll only use you as a crutch. Worst of all, it isn't his fault that he'll do that; but you have to know going in that it will not pass-- that's how he is, that's why it's an illness.
  • Flamesoul

    Posts: 120

    Oct 05, 2012 7:59 PM GMT
    I'm suffering from clinical depression as well... and I know I'm a pain to my bf sometimes... It's really hard to control those negative emotions.

    The difference is that I'm actually seeing therapists and stuff so I can get out of this fix. I'm not happy like this, I know I can be a better person and a better partner...

    So I'm working hard on this.
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Oct 05, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    YeahhBrah saidStart slipping 10mg of Lexapro in his coffee every morning and get back to us in 4-6 weeks.


    LOL The ethics of your approach aside, Lexapro is an excellent medicine! It has helped me when I needed help getting through some tough times.
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Oct 05, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    Flamesoul saidI'm suffering from clinical depression as well... and I know I'm a pain to my bf sometimes... It's really hard to control those negative emotions.

    The difference is that I'm actually seeing therapists and stuff so I can get out of this fix. I'm not happy like this, I know I can be a better person and a better partner...

    So I'm working hard on this.


    You are already being a better partner by doing the sometimes really hard work of dealing with your issues. I say congratulations and keep up the great progress!
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Oct 05, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    My first boyfriend was actually clinically depressed.. The relationship started off good but it was rather bumpy. At times it was too much to bear. And even though it hurt to break up with him, at the same time there was not much I could do for him myself.

    We lost contact for some years and were friends now, we talk every now and then. His depression seems to be almost gone, well since he makes sure to take his prescription daily. So I do believe that an individual suffering from depression can definitely get to an healthier state of mind, just don't allow them to make you think that they can not do it without you.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Oct 05, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    OP, being a depressive myself, I can guarantee you it is a hard row to hoe. I've never been able to afford a counsellor, though I am lucky enough to have Lexapro available, and in considerably larger doses than 10mg.

    One thing that really does help, though, is having friends. Even if you can't be a couple, you can make an effort to be his friend. You don't want to be controlled by his codependent side, but being there as a reaonable friend can do wonders for his confidence and moods. If you really like the guy, he is worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2012 11:34 PM GMT
    I lost my last boyfriend because I fell into a deep depression
    after my mother passed away. Took three months for us to
    split after it happened.

    I felt angry at him because he made me feel like I couldn't
    move on fast enough.

    Sometimes, we just need time to heal. Maybe
    there is something significant your bf needs time to recover
    from.
    Therapy is a great suggestion, and you're
    very considerate for bringing it up. icon_smile.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    So, here is my thinking and a little of my experiences:
    I have had counseling in the past, and I can say sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes it's just a waste of time. And bad experiences like this can make you give up on counseling completely. So i know how he feels to a certain extent.
    Also, depression is like the cold, it goes away, comes back, then goes away again. If you want a LTR relationship with him, this is something you would be dealing with alot maybe for the rest of his life. Some of us get better control over it, and with time, you find that it's something that you don't even really notice you slip in and out of.
    Also when you are depressed and feel like you are backed into a corner, you can lash out of go into a deeper depression.

    I know you are frustrated, but I think you should at least give him one last chance. Put all your cards on the table. Let him know how you feel about him, that you think he is a great guy, (maybe love him?) and you want to help him.

    If he really likes you and wants to make it work, then work with him, he will get better. And if you survive this, then next time he will feel more comfortable dealing with his depression knowing that you are there.Over time the depression will become bearable for the both of you until it may never rear its ugly head again.

    But if he's not ready to try, then tell him you can't be his boyfriend anymore. Some people enjoy misery, and bring others into misery with them. This may be the case.
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Oct 06, 2012 11:09 AM GMT
    Well OP,

    When I read the headline the word "depression" made me think - avoid at all costs. After reading the post I realised, not necessarily.

    Is it depression or anxiety? Probably a bit of both but his main problem?? It is your call. I think you have to really analyse the situation, and him. Does he seem to want to improve? He does seem like a scared kid. Has he shown signs of making any effort? Or has he basically given up on life and plans to be irresponsible for the rest of his life? Even so you can still be a friend to him but don't let him drag you down. Are there understandable reasons for him being the way he is, and do you think he has it in him to overcome the problems?

    I do not buy that once depressed, you'll never get rid of it. I think it's about thinking styles. (Change your thinking, and your life goes accordingly). And having meaningful friendships.

    Help does not equate to Seeing A Counsellor. There are other ways of helping yourself. But if all else fails then the counsellor would be good. Maybe he needs someone he can just open up to and tell everything, no holds barred.

    I think you want to bring him up as opposed to let him drag you down.... You take charge of him... icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2012 11:48 AM GMT
    You've only known this guy for 3 mos. You're not that invested in this relationship. He doesn't want to seek help. icon_rolleyes.gif
    And it doesn't seem like it's a short term depression stemming from loss of $, job, or death of an animal or some person either.
    You seem upbeat and to be a nice guy from what I've read in your original post and your responses. All it will do is bring you down.
    Walk out to the curb and scrape him off your shoe and move on. icon_wink.gif

    Tristan
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Oct 06, 2012 12:14 PM GMT
    Depression can strike anyone at anytime for myriad reasons. Sometimes these reasons are situational, sometimes they are just a part of a person's hardwiring. The responses telling you to dump him outright are a bit too simplistic, I think (and the posters may one day find themselves under a cloud of depression one day, so why judge?).

    I think the main thing here is that someone with depression has to be willing to take the initiative to manage it (if it's chronic) or to get through it (if it's situational). If you really like the guy, tell him honestly that you care about him, but that it's important that he is willing to be proactive about his mental health because otherwise it won't be a healthy, happy relationship. If he balks or makes excuses, then he's made a conscious choice to remain stuck, and then you have to distance yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2012 12:38 PM GMT
    it all boils down to personal responsibility...he needs to seek treatment and you need to seek safe distance. doesn't mean you can't be available to encourage him but don't allow his depression to suck you in and drag you down.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2012 8:04 PM GMT
    Well mates, had a chat with him last night and he is going to go see a professional. I am going to accompany him. I explained to him his potential, and the fact that I see great things for him, but this is being a hinderance in his life. I think he finally thought about it and agrees. He's really a good guy with good qualities, and once he's trying, I'm ok with helping him. Much love to you all.

    Cheers,

    Sean