When do people become "not boyfriend material?"

  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Oct 07, 2012 10:52 AM GMT
    My friend and I were discussing this tonight at a bar, but how how about when do people become "not boyfriend material?"

    The topic came up when we this guy that I always thought was great. He was a former marine, about mid-twenties, very cute and nice body. He was always nicer then his looks would have typically made him. But he was dating this guy who would, and I'm putting it as nicely as I can, considered a slut. I mean he literally once had to go to the emergency room because he was having a gangbang and he damaged the muscle that controls his sphincter. But he's hot, muscled and is a former cop so I suppose lots gets overlooked. I remember they used to fight alot and I'm assuming "Kevin" (the slut) cheated rampantly.

    Anyway, they must have broken up but the other guy seems different now. Like before he was this sweet, country boy who just wanted somebody to hold hands with and now he just seems to be like this shirtless attention whore who hooks up with anyone who asks.

    I know a ton of guys that are liars, users, cheaters and just generally terrible people. When and how do you become one of those?

    On a side note, it pained me to see those 2 together. I just wanted to warn the guy "he's going to fuck you over" but I don't feel its my place to involve myself in other people's business. There are so many situations where it seems that guys who are good people get used and abused by guys who are known for this and then somehow seem to take on some of those personality traits which they then use to use and abuse other guys.
  • ThatLilJock

    Posts: 4

    Oct 07, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    I feel what you say! I guess someone become no more BF material when he bring more worries/trouble than fun? or where the attraction is minimal? Its like you really find a guy hot, but doesnt have a single point in common with you. Uber frustration on your part lol.

    But yeah, i've been on the same situation as you! Running aound a big, 200 lbs 5ft9 piece of muscle hotness, and super great guy! Altho he had a very busy schedule he found ways to play around have find BFs ,who were of course just druggies, money whores or total sluts. It pained me to see him in such unhappy relationships. But I just gave up now. He started to become that ass who think u aren't worthy of his attention. Meh!

    So yeah, some great guys seems to change around for the worsts sadly: those are not BF material anymore, no matter how much u believe in changing them back again!
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    Oct 07, 2012 2:48 PM GMT
    When they have "to go to the emergency room because [they were] having a gangbang and [they] damaged the muscle that controls [their] sphincter."

  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Oct 07, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    ahhhhh. I love when people throw stones in glasshouses
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Oct 07, 2012 3:44 PM GMT
    I've witnessed this dynamic before between couples, but I wonder, OP, if the nice, sweet guy you reference is really as innocent as you think. Maybe he was totally aware of his BF's extracurricular sex, and maybe he condoned it. Or, most likely, he is essentially a very insecure person who allowed himself to get sucked into a toxic relationship, and--also likely--toxic, or at least unhealthy relationships are all that he's ever known and possibly will ever know.
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    Oct 07, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    I have a rule about this and I've seen friends and moi dated some of these *guys, they become *not bf material* and I'd try to stay away if they exhibit any of these signs below:

    - Involved in too much drinking and/or doing drugs (alcoholics & addicts)

    - Is somewhat mentally unstable, being bittered, toxic and hateful toward other gay men because some other gay men done them wrong in the past, they still can't let go. (Do you really want to deal with the drama?) (I recently stopped talking to someone because of this, the entire time I talked to him, I felt like his therapist not a potential date).

    - When the *guy you're dating suddenly start asking you for $$$$ in large amount to pay his bills (bills, bills bills by destiny childs)

    - Losing interest in having sex with you and/or start to participate in orgies, be a whore, want to have FB on the side but still want to be with you? (ok, I am not about to share my man with other dudes.)

    - When he starts bitching/whining about everything *like you, his life, your life, your hobbies, things you should do together. you should change your job or get a haircut...blah blah blah....etc (um, control freak, just because I'm with you, I need to have my own life, too)

    - As far as your friend's situation, I say be there for him, sometimes people just have to learn the hard way to move on or love themselves.
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    Oct 07, 2012 6:48 PM GMT
    What defines boyfriend material is in the eye of the beholder. Some people like guys who are sexually wild like your friend's boyfriend. Some people are only attracted to guys with substance abuse addictions or guys who are extremely irresponsible. These people feel they have to take care of someone and "change" them for the better so the gravitate towards these types.

    My many years of experience watching other people's relationship success and failure comes down to how much each party is willing to accept the other's limitations. I've seen LTRs work where there is little or no sexual intimacy. Where they have no cultural or intellectual connection. Where one party is financially dependent on the other. And where at least one of them is a hopelessly high maintenance asshole. In all these cases someone is willing to make the compromises needed. So I suppose your friend is happy to compromise on his partners wild sexual behavior. Perhaps he can do this because it turns him on that his partner has that much sexual hunger. Perhaps they have some roll playing that makes their sex life extremely fulfilling. It is imposible for us to judge as we look at these relationships from the outside.

    My humble opinion of what makes someone "not boyfriend" will surprise you. We all may want a steady supply of affection and a constant companion but what happens when one has managed to achieve happiness all by himself? Then, he will likely judge a potential partner not as your final piece needed to make him feel fulfilled but as a compliment while not compromising the happiness he has already achieved on his own. But that is a much harder match since he is not looking to take care of anybody and he certainly doesn't need anyone to take care of him. So this loving self sufficient, highly responsible man living the good life with a loving set of friends and family members, is doing so with no companion. He has the perfect "boyfriend qualities" but he remains alone forever because there is no equal match out there for him. So you see he looks like perfect bf material on paper but in the end I suppose he must not be since he is perpetually single while plenty of less worthy people are not.
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    Oct 07, 2012 6:53 PM GMT
    I just heard a quote the other day that I believe 100% "No matter how gorgeous a guy is, someone out there is absolutely tired of dealing with his bullshit."


    It's best to let people learn and make mistakes for themselves. No matter your intentions, your interfering will throw a wrench into letting their relationship progress (or regress) on it's own.
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    Oct 07, 2012 6:55 PM GMT
    jprichva saidWhen they're actually an enchilada.



    RAAAAAACCCCIIIISSSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!
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    Oct 07, 2012 7:04 PM GMT
    friendormate saidWhat defines boyfriend material is in the eye of the beholder. Some people like guys who are sexually wild like your friend's boyfriend. Some people are only attracted to guys with substance abuse addictions or guys who are extremely irresponsible. These people feel they have to take care of someone and "change" them for the better so the gravitate towards these types.

    My many years of experience watching other people's relationship success and failure comes down to how much each party is willing to accept the other's limitations. I've seen LTRs work where there is little or no sexual intimacy. Where they have no cultural or intellectual connection. Where one party is financially dependent on the other. And where at least one of them is a hopelessly high maintenance asshole. In all these cases someone is willing to make the compromises needed. So I suppose your friend is happy to compromise on his partners wild sexual behavior. Perhaps he can do this because it turns him on that his partner has that much sexual hunger. Perhaps they have some roll playing that makes their sex life extremely fulfilling. It is imposible for us to judge as we look at these relationships from the outside.

    My humble opinion of what makes someone "not boyfriend" will surprise you. We all may want a steady supply of affection and a constant companion but what happens when one has managed to achieve happiness all by himself? Then, he will likely judge a potential partner not as your final piece needed to make him feel fulfilled but as a compliment while not compromising the happiness he has already achieved on his own. But that is a much harder match since he is not looking to take care of anybody and he certainly doesn't need anyone to take care of him. So this loving self sufficient, highly responsible man living the good life with a loving set of friends and family members, is doing so with no companion. He has the perfect "boyfriend qualities" but he remains alone forever because there is no equal match out there for him. So you see he looks like perfect bf material on paper but in the end I suppose he must not be since he is perpetually single while plenty of less worthy people are not.


    I agree. It's simply when someone is not able to make compromises. So that even includes people who have a list of things that they want/don't want in a partner. You're never going to find Mr Perfect-For-You, he doesn't exist. All these guys who go around complaining about stupid things they broke up or didn't give someone a chance for, are just as undateable as the person they ditched.
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    Oct 07, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    jprichva saidWhen they're actually an enchilada.



    RAAAAAACCCCIIIISSSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!


    I Love enchiladas! Yummm! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 07, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    When they don't put out on the first date.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 07, 2012 10:32 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidWhen they don't put out on the first date.


    I know, right? I expect to be greeted with a blowjob at least.
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    Oct 07, 2012 10:44 PM GMT
    "Boyfriend material" is different than "good person".
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Oct 07, 2012 11:01 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidI just heard a quote the other day that I believe 100% "No matter how gorgeous a guy is, someone out there is absolutely tired of dealing with his bullshit."


    I have a shirt that says this. I believe it also.

    I get very thoughtful when I can't sleep, hence the original post.

    I think I was more expounding on the "people present only the side the think someone will like sometimes." I'm not 100% sure that the country boy wasn't in on his boyfriends bad behavior. In the brief conversations we had in passing it was all about how wonderful his boyfriend was, how he was different then every other guy, how he was so honest, etc etc. I was like "Get a clue dude." But, having just moved here this guy was unaware of the reputation as a user his boyfriend had aquired.

    However, it seems that the "users" are the best looking and the most charming. Theres another older gentleman (also law enforcement; what is it with that?) whos in his 40's and has had a string of 20-something boyfriends who he "adopts" then gets them all muscley, then the 3 ways start, then suddenly the boyfriend is left out of the 3way, then suddenly what was the former 3rd in the 3-way is the new boyfriend and the old one is left out in the cold. Again, he seems to go after the "new meat" in town who don't know any better.....
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Oct 07, 2012 11:03 PM GMT
    When they stop self-identifying as boys.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Oct 07, 2012 11:09 PM GMT
    melloyello said
    jmusmc85 saidI just heard a quote the other day that I believe 100% "No matter how gorgeous a guy is, someone out there is absolutely tired of dealing with his bullshit."


    I have a shirt that says this. I believe it also.

    I get very thoughtful when I can't sleep, hence the original post.

    I think I was more expounding on the "people present only the side the think someone will like sometimes." I'm not 100% sure that the country boy wasn't in on his boyfriends bad behavior. In the brief conversations we had in passing it was all about how wonderful his boyfriend was, how he was different then every other guy, how he was so honest, etc etc. I was like "Get a clue dude." But, having just moved here this guy was unaware of the reputation as a user his boyfriend had aquired.

    However, it seems that the "users" are the best looking and the most charming. Theres another older gentleman (also law enforcement; what is it with that?) whos in his 40's and has had a string of 20-something boyfriends who he "adopts" then gets them all muscley, then the 3 ways start, then suddenly the boyfriend is left out of the 3way, then suddenly what was the former 3rd in the 3-way is the new boyfriend and the old one is left out in the cold. Again, he seems to go after the "new meat" in town who don't know any better.....


    And that all in Louisiana! :O
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Oct 07, 2012 11:20 PM GMT
    melloyello said
    jmusmc85 saidI just heard a quote the other day that I believe 100% "No matter how gorgeous a guy is, someone out there is absolutely tired of dealing with his bullshit."


    I have a shirt that says this. I believe it also.

    I get very thoughtful when I can't sleep, hence the original post.

    I think I was more expounding on the "people present only the side the think someone will like sometimes." I'm not 100% sure that the country boy wasn't in on his boyfriends bad behavior. In the brief conversations we had in passing it was all about how wonderful his boyfriend was, how he was different then every other guy, how he was so honest, etc etc. I was like "Get a clue dude." But, having just moved here this guy was unaware of the reputation as a user his boyfriend had aquired.

    However, it seems that the "users" are the best looking and the most charming. Theres another older gentleman (also law enforcement; what is it with that?) whos in his 40's and has had a string of 20-something boyfriends who he "adopts" then gets them all muscley, then the 3 ways start, then suddenly the boyfriend is left out of the 3way, then suddenly what was the former 3rd in the 3-way is the new boyfriend and the old one is left out in the cold. Again, he seems to go after the "new meat" in town who don't know any better.....


    Well, here's my take on things:

    Rule #1: There are a lot of messed up people out there, and the degree varies by individual. Most times it started in childhood and they aren't responsible for that, but they ARE responsible for getting their shit together as adults.

    Rule #2: Messed up people can actually be great-looking, have perfect abs and seem to have life eating out of the palm of their hands. It does not change the fact that, at their core, they are messed up and most likely deeply unhappy.

    Rule #3: Messed up people can also be nice, sweet, and lovable. Often, however, they seek out other messed up people to be with because, well, they're messed up. Sometimes they seek out relationships with others who will treat them badly, cheat on them, and otherwise screw them over because they're trying in some sort of twisted and subconscious (but very human) way to "work out" their messy and unresolved issues.

    Rule #4: Most of these people will never learn how to be healthy, and they will continue perpetuating the cycle.

    Rule #5: Try to stay away from messy people, and avoid idealizing those who have the slick, shiny surfaces.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2012 11:29 PM GMT
    If you've acquired a certain reputation, then of course it's going to be difficult to find a bf! These people usually wind up moving. Of course, if they don't fix what's wrong, the process will repeat at the new location.

    I know someone who has screwed himself over royally with his behavior. He uses people. Guys see through it quickly and then he leaves and goes on to the next guy. I'd say he's not bf material.
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    Oct 07, 2012 11:49 PM GMT
    Is this supposed to help us see that we're boyfriend material, or to see that you're boyfriend material???
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Oct 08, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    JR_RJ saidIs this supposed to help us see that we're boyfriend material, or to see that you're boyfriend material???


    This is the meandering thoughts after a bottle of wine with a friend and a hyper Labrador puppy who doesn't know that we don't go "outside" at 4am yet.
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    Oct 08, 2012 12:36 AM GMT
    This thread is depressing. icon_confused.gif