Would you like to have a relationship with a gay who married with straight?

  • mooore23

    Posts: 14

    Oct 07, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    This week, a man offered to talk to me online. Gradually, I found that he's got married with a straight. At first, we just talked some opinion of life, then he said he want to sleep with me.
    Honestly, I hesitated for a while. It is just because he is handsome. But still refused him and added him into the blacklist.

    I agree that there are pressure from our family or the society. And then some people choose to follow the conservative opinion and get married with straight.I have no problem with these guys' choice. Cause maybe someday I have to do the same hard choice.
    But for anyone who want to have a longer relationship, is it possible to develop a actual long relationship with a married gay guy? That man has his family. He has another woman to share his property. Maybe they've already had a child.

    So I think I would rather stay away from that kind of guys. What do you think?
  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 08, 2012 1:41 AM GMT
    I have a friend who tried to pursue one of these relationships and I cautioned him not to for one major reason.

    A gay that married straight clearly has identity/internal issues whether they wish to not let people down, are conflicted because of how society will treat them, and the fact that once you identify as gay-you cannot go back it is a one way door and a label that we carry for the rest of our lives.

    In short, theoretically there would be nothing wrong with dating someone like this, but I would caution you from being the first, second, or third male partner of said individual, they almost gotta start over and adapt to the gay life-its just like you would never want to be some fresh gay's (say an 18 yr old or something) first boyfriend because statistically, its going to fail because there is a maturity that needs to be acquired through experience.
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    Oct 08, 2012 1:45 AM GMT
    I couldn't do that. I'm not much for hook-ups. Cheating is horrible to me, no matter who does it. If he wants to be with me, he's gotta have his life figured out first.
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    Oct 08, 2012 1:46 AM GMT
    I like how we refer to them as "a straight".

    I thought they were women.
  • jason_newman

    Posts: 38

    Oct 08, 2012 1:47 AM GMT
    msuNtx saidI like how we refer to them as "a straight".

    I thought they were women.


    Thank you for clearing that up for me... I was confused lol
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Oct 08, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    jason_newman said
    msuNtx saidI like how we refer to them as "a straight".

    I thought they were women.


    Thank you for clearing that up for me... I was confused lol


    The OP's first language is Mandarin, not English.

    Let me give the number reason not to do this: he is somebody else's husband and karma is a bitch. Don't help someone else cheat. You wouldn't want that done to you, don't do it to anybody else.
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    Oct 08, 2012 1:55 AM GMT
    Yes stay away. Don't need to give your self a headache
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    Oct 08, 2012 1:55 AM GMT
    Just because someone is unhappy with their marriage doesn't mean you should help them end it. Stay outta personal matters, especially when families are involved.
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    Oct 09, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    Boundaries OP..
    Married guys are off limits.. Right?
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    Oct 09, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    I wouldn't call it a relationship. You are essentially his sex toy.
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    Oct 09, 2012 5:31 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    jason_newman said
    msuNtx saidI like how we refer to them as "a straight".

    I thought they were women.


    Thank you for clearing that up for me... I was confused lol


    The OP's first language is Mandarin, not English.

    Let me give the number reason not to do this: he is somebody else's husband and karma is a bitch. Don't help someone else cheat. You wouldn't want that done to you, don't do it to anybody else.


    Love you for saying this icon_smile.gif
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    Oct 09, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    Love using this gif:

    tumblr_m7s6tkFdOT1r5gvg1o1_400.gif
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    Oct 09, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    I don't know anything about the context of the man married to a woman in the post, but the assumption (perhaps the OP knows?) in the post is that he is gay but married to a woman (he could be bisexual). And many of the commenters also seem to assume that he is a gay man in a heterosexual marriage and that he wants to cheat. The issue of bisexuality, though the 'B' is in the acronym of most organizations and groups, is still either ignored or divisive and a cause for controversy. And polyamoury is rarely ever discussed, with monogamy, even if serial monogamy, still viewed as the only option.

    As a bisexual man who is in a long-term, stable, and happy heterosexual marriage, yet desirous of a man in my life, I encounter this issue very personally. Most support or social groups I've attended, though they claim to be for "gay and bisexual men", still make me feel like an outsider or even an impostor. As soon as I mention that I am bisexual, I seem to be treated differently. And if I mention that I am married to a woman, people really back off. And I have yet to find another man in such a group who also identifies as bi. Bisexuals face discrimination from both straight and gay camps.

    I would say, to answer your question, that if you like this man, have an open conversation with him. If he is gay and in a heterosexual marriage for social reasons, better let him figure himself out first. If he is bisexual, find out what kind of relationship he seeks. If he wishes to cheat on his female partner with you, don't do it. But there is the possibility--mine is such a case--that his female partner is aware of his sexuality and supportive of him seeking a male relationship also. If there is no cheating involved--his female partner knows about and is okay with him having another relationship--then follow your heart.

    I think open communication and honesty are always of utmost importance.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Oct 09, 2012 6:43 AM GMT
    Stigandir saidAnd many of the commenters also seem to assume that he is a gay man in a heterosexual marriage and that he wants to cheat...If there is no cheating involved--his female partner knows about and is okay with him having another relationship--then follow your heart.

    I think open communication and honesty are always of utmost importance.


    People are making no such assumption: the OP made it clear that this man is on the DL and has no intention of leaving his family. The OP should not help this man cheat.

    If you and your wife have an open relationship, that's fine. But there is no indication that's what's going on here.
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    Oct 09, 2012 6:54 AM GMT
    The OP lives in a country whose social norms are very different from those of the RJ'rs who replied. It is possible (likely?) that it is rare and very difficult for men to be openly gay and live with male partners in Shanghai, and that many men who are essentially gay or bisexual get married and have gay affairs on the side. China is not America, England or Sweden. If things should have changed a lot in the last few years, so that there are lots of openly gay men, then maybe the advice not to become involved with married men is good for him. But if not, it may be the acceptable way of having a gay relationship there. You don't have to go so far as China or west Africa to find a similar social scene. It is very common in Italy and Turkey today for gay men to get married and have male lovers on the side, and very uncommon for them to live openly gay lives with partners. Maybe he could be advised to move to Hong Kong, Europe, or America, but that is probably not possible. The OP may choose not to become involved with a married man, but considering where he lives, I don't think it is practical to tell him that he should not. We should not be making judgments about whether it is absolutely right or wrong to have this kind of relationship - the morals of our society do not necessarily carry over to China.
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    Oct 09, 2012 7:30 AM GMT
    At this point, and after having been merely friends with a gay man who was FULLY out the closet for years, yet divorced and having kids...I would say buyer beware. People who were confused when they made the decision, sometimes are still confused after they make the decision. Plus, if they get divorced...he'll be paying her child support. We're talking about a relationship here. Just some things to consider. Like this one said:

    haiqtpiA gay that married straight clearly has identity/internal issues whether they wish to not let people down, are conflicted because of how society will treat them, and the fact that once you identify as gay-you cannot go back it is a one way door and a label that we carry for the rest of our lives.


    Identity issues don't necessarily go away once you come out the closet. Some people deal with them for a lifetime. I don't want to meet anyone with kids, x-wife, nothing. At 24-25, we deserve a fresh slate with someone, not all that damn baggage. When you get in your 40s, then you can start meeting people with previous lives. Appreciate it while it lasts.

    On the flip side, I know of several married men that make great gay partners...but usually for DL hookups. You start talking about relationships, you playing with that fire. Either she will divorce him, or he'll come after you if you aren't being discrete about things. Someone's gonna end up dead. And it ain't me.
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    Oct 09, 2012 7:34 AM GMT
    It wouldn't make you any less of a homewrecker, no.
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Oct 09, 2012 8:41 AM GMT
    ho shit ,i just realized im a whore, if he's hot, i'd fuck him icon_eek.gif