perhaps I'm to selfish, I should try to do those things again shouldn't I...
Thing is it's made me so depressed to the point where I wouldn't write songs anymore, or do anything anymore, I did poorly in school, I just felt an feel so low and unwanted, and with no friends really to ask for you or want you around only with the constants surroundings of the sheltered childhood you always had at your parents house, you felt lack of motivation, why even try. my bed pretty much has been my medication, sleeping away time so it doesn't sting so much, tried getting a job, five interviews, did everything right, the snowy white hair before you was not present, wore a suit, gave good answers.. no dice. so I gave up for a while let stuff go to hell for bit, now I have more positive goals in minds but it's very difficult, depression on top of loneliness and insomnia, wears you out, but I'm working on it, I'm getting there, lust and affection seem to be my achilles heel. I don't want to mope anymore, but it's very hard.
I think you just do not enjoy being by yourself and need company to help you balance yourself out. I believe you are not the only one who is this way, granted. Many people hate being alone and it really grates on them being isolated but there is liberty in solitude that is otherwise not present in company. It's freeing yourself from the idea that being 'alone' is something caustic and detrimental to your being. I think human beings need time to be alone, to help channel, reflection, and think on their own two feet free from the waves of influence/thought of others.
I think you are also depressed with the way things are going in your life right now. You need someone to talk to, someone to open to, to wash away the grease and dirt that life threw you into. That's completely okay and warranted. We sometimes need people to help us up and let us feel better about ourselves, especially when everything else seems to be going against us. But we also have to learn to work against the grain, to release ourselves from the guilt and pressures of society. That's something we gain better understanding in through self-reflection, through introspection. Working at the bone to shine components of ourselves that are otherwise lacking or sagging behind.
We put love and lust naturally at our sleeves for we are human, and we are men. We want stimulation, lots of it. We want to be attractive, to be wanted again especially when things don't seem to want us so much anymore. Love and Lust are our coping devices, our medicine when we get sick from loneliness. Though, like a virus, the effects come and go with time and resting gently instead of demolishing ourselves to find someone. Your heart is like your immunity, it needs help from you to bring itself out and it cannot unless you give it patience, patience to grow in this time of pain.
Seek yourself out in solitude and find things to enjoy, being in that time because if you don't, nothing else you do or say will matter. Nothing else anyone else tells you to do will matter. You will not go to the mall by yourself, you will not make music, you will not write, take quiet coffee breaks, take yourself to the bars to drink, or bring yourself to dance because you're so turned off by being by yourself.