barebacking boyfriends...

  • massagejock

    Posts: 4

    Aug 28, 2008 10:06 AM GMT
    I've been in love before and hope to find another great guy someday..but lately I've been reading about young guys who bareback with their partners.
    Over the years I have talked to many HIV+ men who said they got it from their old bf whom they thought was monagomous...only to find out too late that he wasn't.
    So how far do are you willing to trust you present or (future) boyfriend is a hard to swallow these days along with you meds...
    So, what do you guys think?
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    Aug 28, 2008 10:26 AM GMT
    Like they say in the X-files.. TRUST NO ONE

    My brother got HIV from a BF just like massagejock mentioned.. he died last December

    icon_cry.gif
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    Aug 28, 2008 10:29 AM GMT
    Lapinblanc saidMy brother got HIV from a BF just like massagejock mentioned.. he died last December

    icon_cry.gif


    Sorry for your loss Lapinblanc.

    I dont think I will ever be able to bareback. I would be way to afraid. Yes I trust my boyfriend but Im not willing to take that risk.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 28, 2008 11:17 AM GMT
    To me using condoms isn't a question of trust, it's just what you do. I don't see condoms as a punishment or a negative thing. If two people truly love one another, trust doesn't need to be proved.
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    Aug 28, 2008 11:48 AM GMT
    Barebacking is ignorant.

    I've done it years ago in a relationship and never will again. Men are men...I'm realistic.
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    Aug 28, 2008 1:23 PM GMT


    Dare I wade in? OK. We don't practice safe sex - at this stage of our relationship, and being the kind of people we are, which is HUGE, we feel it unnecessary. Both of us have convictions about monogamy that spring from the deepest part of how we consider ourselves; issues of integrity, self worth, and who we are. We both come from backgrounds where BFs cheated on us, which being the softies we are, devastated both of us. Which gives a clue as why we trust each other the way we do.
    I DON'T recommend this to anyone else. I wish we could, but too many are too swift to assume trust and decide unsafe activity is safe and run into astronomical tragedy. This level of trust takes years to build, and involves what many consider a stripping away of each other's privacy. There's also a considerable amount of letting go of one's autonomy, a topic that ran heavily for quite some time on this site. We'll happily share more about this should anyone ask.

    We do wish it was possible for everyone, though.

    Stay safe!

    -Doug
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    Aug 28, 2008 1:51 PM GMT


    ... and here's more. If one of us had been testing +, likely we would have fallen for each other anyway, and safe sex would be a no-brainer.
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    Aug 28, 2008 2:10 PM GMT
    Condoms. Always. No exceptions.
  • art_smass

    Posts: 960

    Aug 28, 2008 2:16 PM GMT
    You guys have sex with other guys? Lucky jerks . . .
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    Aug 28, 2008 2:20 PM GMT
    I trust and love my partner and I accept the risk.

    After three months of being together monogamously, we went to get tested together, both checked out as clean and stopped using condoms with each other. When we have sex outside the relationship, either together or separately, we use condoms.

    The hard truth is that if you're sexually active at all, you have to accept some level of risk. Condoms are not 100% effective; Andrew Sullivan claims to have always used condoms yet was still infected with HIV.
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    Aug 28, 2008 2:36 PM GMT
    my bf and i virtually always bareback. we're clean, always have been. 3rd parties always involve a condom. there's no distrust or suspicion, nor any reason for it in our relationship.

    i've worked around many hiv+ and hep patients and have gotten their blood on me a few times. you always treat every patient like they've got something and take precautions equally. hiv is still around and in bigger numbers than before. i don't dismiss the possible lethality of it, but it doesn't terrify me.

    i suppose it's like any other job whereby you handle something dangerous. some people shy far from it and some people are comfortable working up close. follow the protocols and your likelihood of contraction is small.
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    Aug 28, 2008 2:47 PM GMT
    We bareback always, I know where my heart is and I feel I know where his is as well. If I am ever cheated on then that is out of my hands and I can only hope that he would respect me enough to use protection even though the act is still obviously disrespectful.
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    Aug 28, 2008 2:59 PM GMT
    Chizzad saidWe bareback always, I know where my heart is and I feel I know where his is as well. If I am ever cheated on then that is out of my hands and I can only hope that he would respect me enough to use protection even though the act is still obviously disrespectful.


    I feel the exact same way. Nicely put Chizzad!
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    Aug 28, 2008 3:05 PM GMT
    You always feel the same way as me icon_biggrin.gif I think we think alike or something haha.
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Aug 28, 2008 3:13 PM GMT
    It would take a really long time to build the trust with someone to be able to regularly bareback.
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    Aug 28, 2008 3:17 PM GMT
    TexanMan82 saidIt would take a really long time to build the trust with someone to be able to regularly bareback.


    Yes it is for sure a trust issue, but if you have doubts then you most likely should not be in that relationship. Everyone has their own take on the matter but I prefer to do it the right way, bareback icon_twisted.gif
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    Aug 28, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    I think there are a bunch of factors involved in this question...

    - How long have you been together?
    - Is your relationship monogamous or open?
    - What kind of trust level do you have with your partner?
    - Does he have a history of being the town slut (I do)?

    - And most importatly... HIV status... if you're both poz, on meds and undetectable... then most doctors will tell you there is very little risk. If you're both negative and certain of your trust for each other, then I'd say go for it...

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    Aug 28, 2008 3:31 PM GMT
    I bareback with my husband, though there are times we think about condoms not because of any lack of trust but rather other issues. His member is more sensitive and if enough lube isnt used, well lets just say its 2 weeks of no fun. I on the other hand have gotten several UTIs. Not pleasant but Id rather that then an STD.

    For me to bareback there has to be a lot more then just trust.
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    Aug 28, 2008 4:25 PM GMT
    BigSETXjock saidI think there are a bunch of factors involved in this question...

    - How long have you been together?
    - Is your relationship monogamous or open?
    - What kind of trust level do you have with your partner?
    - Does he have a history of being the town slut (I do)?

    - And most importatly... HIV status... if you're both poz, on meds and undetectable... then most doctors will tell you there is very little risk. If you're both negative and certain of your trust for each other, then I'd say go for it...



    Personally, I disagree with advocating others to "go for it". I am sure that a large percentage of guys who are now positive thought they were certain of their trust for the other person. This is a personal choice, granted, and I respect whatever someone deems is right for himself. However, this is a big decision and not something that should be decided by a series of 4 questions put on a forum board. I know several guys who thought they were in a monogamous relationship and quit using condoms, only to turn up positive later.

    And as Timberoo put it so well:
    "To me using condoms isn't a question of trust, it's just what you do. I don't see condoms as a punishment or a negative thing. If two people truly love one another, trust doesn't need to be proved."
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    Aug 28, 2008 4:31 PM GMT
    massagejock saidI've been in love before and hope to find another great guy someday..but lately I've been reading about young guys who bareback with their partners.
    Over the years I have talked to many HIV+ men who said they got it from their old bf whom they thought was monagomous...only to find out too late that he wasn't.
    So how far do are you willing to trust you present or (future) boyfriend is a hard to swallow these days along with you meds...
    So, what do you guys think?


    DON'T DO IT! I'm sure there are some trustworthy guys out there, but MEN WILL BE MEN. Your health is not worth the risk!
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    Aug 28, 2008 4:52 PM GMT
    Chizzad saidYou always feel the same way as me icon_biggrin.gif I think we think alike or something haha.


    Brother's from a different mother. LOL!
  • Fiveldsp

    Posts: 99

    Aug 28, 2008 4:53 PM GMT
    This question for me ranks right up there with Abortions, Religion and Politics. No matter what good facts and statistics either side has, no one ever changes their mind and are already set in their ways or how they are going to do things in their own life. Discussing something that fails to persuade either side of change is as effective and taking a road trip on a rocking chair...
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    Aug 28, 2008 5:05 PM GMT
    All the above arguments are interesting, have some merit within their personal context...but blanket rules never seem to work out as planned.

    london_nyc makes a great salient point: there is always risk. And as human creatures...let's be honest...we enjoy a certain amount of risk in all facets of life. (Why else would I have 'done it' once in a fitting room at Target?!?!) That said, we should never advocate the most obvious risks wagered against our own well being. Converting to bareback in a relationship requires the appropriate communication - the level of which is determined by the persons involved - and education. Education not just about the facts of HIV and sexual health, but the facts about yourself, your emotional state, your life intentions, his life intentions, etc.

    So to massagejock...in regard to your questions...I'd ask What do you think? Do you trust your lover? Do you trust yourself to behave in a manner appropriate? Can you accept the risk inherent? Are you educated to the full scope of facts (and not only the opinions of we strangers here and there?)

    Myself? Condoms always. The very idea of poo on my peen makes me limp and immediately desexualized. Let alone having it actually happen. Yuck.

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    Aug 28, 2008 5:10 PM GMT
    massagejock saidSo how far do are you willing to trust you present or (future) boyfriend is a hard to swallow these days along with you meds...
    So, what do you guys think?


    If I ever get a BF (I know it's a pretty far-fetched conditional statement), after a while I'd trust him enough to bareback. I'd also reinforce his behaviors with some healthy reinforcement (i.e. tell him "If you give me HIV, then I will kill you.")
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    Aug 28, 2008 5:13 PM GMT
    It just needs to be fully discussed openly and honestly, regardless of status. Each person should be willing to say what they are willing to risk or not risk.