Anyone adopted here?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    I'm doing up my family tree....

    FamilyTreev1015.jpg

    ...and I have one nephew who is the son of my brother's second wife. He was adopted by my brother. I'm just wondering how he might view the family tree. It isnt his biological family. I wonder if an adopted person is kinda like "meh" or whether an adopted person feels an emotional tie to the family and might view the family history with more "ownership."

    Dont reply with "why dont you ask him?" I dont know how that might go over. So I am asking here to see what kind of answers I get.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 09, 2012 12:17 AM GMT
    Family is family, be it by marriage, adoption or just acceptance.
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    Timbales saidFamily is family, be it by marriage, adoption or just acceptance.

    Are you adopted?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 09, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    Caslon21000 said
    Timbales saidFamily is family, be it by marriage, adoption or just acceptance.

    Are you adopted?


    no
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    My maternal grandparents adopted my siblings and I...
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Oct 09, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    I hope not.. but my dad used to joke when I was younger that I was adopted..icon_cry.gif
  • ohcub83

    Posts: 26

    Oct 09, 2012 12:37 AM GMT
    My farther adopted me. My biological father gave up all right when I was born and my father and mother got married when I was four and he adopted me. I grew up knowing I was adopted and never once felt like I wasn't his son. I love my father and his family and would love to know his family tree. I have since met some of my biological fathers family and I feel nothing really for them. I feel more for my fathers family. I would say that as an adopted person you take more ownership because that family had a choice and they decided to make you apart of their family when they didn't have to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:38 AM GMT
    Caslon21000 said Anyone adopted here?
    No, I was adopted in Little Rock Arkansas.
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    How old is the nephew?
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:53 AM GMT
    xrichx saidHow old is the nephew?

    In his thirties. Married with 3 kids. And he has our name.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    ohcub83 saidMy farther adopted me. My biological father gave up all right when I was born and my father and mother got married when I was four and he adopted me. I grew up knowing I was adopted and never once felt like I wasn't his son. I love my father and his family and would love to know his family tree. I have since met some of my biological fathers family and I feel nothing really for them. I feel more for my fathers family. I would say that as an adopted person you take more ownership because that family had a choice and they decided to make you apart of their family when they didn't have to.

    Thanks. I appreciate hearing that from you.
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    Oct 09, 2012 12:55 AM GMT
    I've an adopted nephew, actually my sil's kid but my brother adopted him as his son when the kid was about 2 or 3. The parents made what I thought was a mistake of not telling him. That only became awkward for me in discussions about looks and especially I was uncomfortable when mom wound up with Alzheimer's because I could see how worried the kid was, watching his grandma deteriorate, and I'd have loved for him to know it wasn't in his genes so he wouldn't worry about himself. But I played it how his parents wanted.

    Then he developed into quite a bit of trouble, possibly even some psychopathy involved which we hope he eventually learns to control. Anyway, the kid's off at school across the state by himself when his half sister--his biodad's kid--from across the country, who was told to never tell him of their relation until the parents think him ready, finds his facebook page and lets the cat out of the bag. That night the kid winds up with a group of bad guys, breaks into a car and gets thrown into jail, off campus and out of school. So that news didn't go over well at all.

    He felt betrayed, lied to, alone, all that, even though none of us ever treated him any differently than his 1/2 siblings who are blood. Could be we screwed up by not telling him early. Hard to judge. He was always a bit of a screwy little kid. Maybe things would have gone better but maybe worse, we don't know.

    I don't think he's felt like family since. I tried calling a couple of times but he doesn't return my calls. When he was having trouble getting along with his family I invited him to stay with me in my house or in a cottage I've got and my brother would have sent him to school here but he refused that too. Hopefully he'll come around some day. Because he didn't miss out on any love in life. He was adopted into a very loving family. And material wise, my brother gave him everything, his own apartment, education, a nice car, all paid for. Sure he didn't get the pony my niece got, but he didn't ride. He doesn't even like horses. It's all in his hands now. We hope he comes around, but it is scary.

    I've met other guys during life though who embraced their adopted families so this case might just be off. So I can just share that and advise talking to his family and if they advise further, to the kid. You don't say how old he is. Maybe he'd be okay with it or maybe waiting might be better.
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    Oct 09, 2012 1:02 AM GMT
    I would say it all depends on the individual family and boy. How the boy feels about the family tree (or even the idea of a family tree) may well depend on at what age he was adopted. If adopted by your brother as an infant or very young child, he probably views both his mother’s and your brother’s families (as well as perhaps his biological father’s family – depending on the amount of contact) as his family. If adopted at an older age, he way well view your brother’s relatives (at least the ones not significantly involved in his life) as just people to whom he has no connection.

    Family trees are usually about ancestry – if yours is about ancestry (as opposed to being just about living siblings and grandparents), then what connection would he have to ancestors who are not his? Various members of my extended family have researched family trees – and while I am interested in the common ancestors, the ancestors of my cousins who are not also my ancestors are of no interest to me, except to the extent that there are interesting stories to relate about them and their families.

    I have two friends who have adopted infants, and as they have grown up, they are close to the family relatives who were close to them (grandparents, uncles, etc.) but have no connection to or interest in others. One of my aunts adopted an infant son, and he was close to his siblings, and his aunt’s parents and seen as part of the family by extended family members. He had no interest in a family tree of dead ancestors of his adoptive parents. I think that would be typical.

    If the circumstances are appropriate, you might consider working out the ancestral relationships of his biological father as well.

    [EDIT - since you have told us that nephew is in his 30's with 3 children, I would change this to say you should ask him. He is too old to have his feelings hurt by this.]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2012 1:07 AM GMT
    I am adopted. I have always felt fully accepted and claim my parents heritage as my own. I consider their family tree as mine and would feel rather put off if I were not included.
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    Oct 09, 2012 1:14 AM GMT
    He was a young child when my brother married his mother. In fact, he asked his mom why my brother didnt marry her and become his dad. So he has always known and accepted it. And I can understand him accepting my brother as his dad with bonds of love and affection. But I just wasnt sure if that would translate into "accepting" or being interested in a family tree of a bunch of dead people.
  • Jonno11

    Posts: 181

    Oct 09, 2012 1:14 AM GMT
    Im adopted, but in a unique way I have contact with my bio mom's side of the family. I dont have contact with my bio mom though. I love hearing about any family tree. Its a bit awkward seeing as how im more into my biological family tree than my father or mothers sides, but in no way do i feel like less a part of any of the sides of the family. My adoptive family doesnt care im gay, they accept me for me, and they picked me when I couldnt be cared for growing up. I just look at it as having an extremely large, loving family. And xmas was always good growing up with all the presents from all the sides of the different families, lol.
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    Oct 09, 2012 1:14 AM GMT
    Caslon21000 said
    xrichx saidHow old is the nephew?

    In his thirties. Married with 3 kids. And he has our name.
    If you all remain close, then sure why not? He's family right? If he was one of those adopted kids that split after turning 18 and never heard from again, then no obvisously.
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    Oct 09, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    My step-dad came into our family when I was a teen yet I accepted him as my 2nd dad. And he totally thought of me as his son. Except for my adolesence which was rough, we had a nice life together. He was a great guy. I'm very familiar with his family tree as well and definitely feel ties. My step-dad was a huge influence on my life so its pretty natural for me to relate to where he came from.

    As my douchebag uncle stole my mother's grave next to her mom for one of his wives, she's buried next to my stepdad and his parents, coincidentally in the same cemetery as my blood family. Fortunately I know something about many of his relatives in the ground there so I feel at home when I visit.

    I forgot about this and never discussed it with the kid but I'll bet my nephew did have trouble with our family tree because we've got some fame there and he used to get a huge kick out of that. We've also a cousin in a rock band and he kept posting to their facebook page. So I don't know how he felt when he realized that family wasn't his blood. He might even have been embarrassed by his posts. I don't know.

    That cousin actually recently reopened another relative's estate to reclaim stolen copyrights. Per law, without a will, royalties go down only through direct bloodline so this kid might see his siblings get what he's denied. It wouldn't be much, it's a big family, maybe a b&b weekend away each month. But there can be real issues which isolate him beyond our ability to make him feel at home.
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    Oct 09, 2012 1:46 AM GMT
    Not me, but 3 of my cousins from my aunt were adopted. I think they're from Ghana or something, she's big on humantarian acts across the African continent.
  • LJay

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    Oct 09, 2012 1:55 AM GMT
    Put the nephew on the family tree where he belongs. He is part of the family. Only if he objects should you note the adoption.
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    Oct 09, 2012 1:57 AM GMT
    I like how this thread is going. More RJ'ers should contribute their adopting/adoption stories, if they feel like sharing with us...
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    Oct 09, 2012 2:01 AM GMT
    LJay saidPut the nephew on the family tree where he belongs. He is part of the family. Only if he objects should you note the adoption.

    This! I've got half siblings, but we only identify as siblings. We love-hate each other just the same.
  • Profire

    Posts: 224

    Oct 09, 2012 2:07 AM GMT
    I am adopted and my family is no different than any other family.
    I call my Dad "Dad", my Mom "Mom", and our family tree is the same tree.

    I found my biological mother years ago but never met her.
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    Oct 09, 2012 2:26 AM GMT
    LJay saidPut the nephew on the family tree where he belongs. He is part of the family. Only if he objects should you note the adoption.

    Oh he and his family are on the chart...there never was a question of that. ....He and his family are at the far end of the chart, at the top. You can see the 3 kids are those top 3 lines at the far end. (The blue box is me. HA!)

    bluechart-2.jpg


    I just wanted to get y'all's insight into how he might be feeling inside.

    I expect that he will be totally accepting of the tree, etc. I just wanted to see what I would hear from others who were adopted, since I would think only someone who is adopted can tell how it truly feels.

    Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate them.
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    Oct 09, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    My heart goes out to anyone adopted by nonrelatives.

    Hugs*x10000