Trouble finding guys for more than sex

  • BlueMoose

    Posts: 237

    Oct 09, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    Today I was talking to this guy on A4A ( I know it's primarily for hookups) and he seemed interested in more than just a hookup. As we got to talking more we exchanged numbers as he was going to bed. I text him to make sure h got my number and we talk for a bit more. Then out of no where he asks for a picture of my dick. Why can't I seem to find a guy willing to date and get to know me? He called me a "nun" for not sending him a pic. It seems like gay guys are beyond impatient when it comes to sex. They just want it and nothing else. What do you guys think?
  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 09, 2012 4:16 AM GMT
    Being young and gay is a HIGHLY sexualized lifestyle. I tell ALL of my single friends (and there are a lot =/) that sometimes, to get ahead, you gotta play the game. Not to say be a slut and randomly hook up, but you need to realize that most people our age aren't explicitly looking for a relationship to settle down into-even if they say they do (think about it-how many people do you know that have held a relationship for even a year?) and sorta court them that way.

    It is totally wrong to go out and look for a bf, if you want a LASTING relationship, you cannot force anything. You have to start at the bottom, and let it build, foundation is everything. So in that respect, I sorta urge you to take the blinders off, and if someone is talking with you as this guy was, to not be so turned off when they get horny or start to get a little dirty. I would consider it a first step if the FIRST words out of his mouth weren't "asl?pix?/how far?"

    It is really the nature of the beast, and you will find that you get ahead if you adapt...it may not be "right" but its how it all works I am afraid
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    Oct 09, 2012 4:45 AM GMT
    Asking for a dick pic isn't just about a guy just wanting sex. That guy is more than likely wasting your time and just like looking at pictures.

    I actually met a guy from adam in person not long ago. I don't hear from him for 2 or 3 weeks thinking he wasn't interested. Then he starts asking for a dick pic. I'm like bro, you had all the chance to do that when you were hanging out with me.

    p.s., adam has deteriorated over the years. Pre-Grindr, it was a great place for hookups or relationship minded people. Now it's pretty much a bathhouse or x-rated facebook. I don't even find people that want to meet off there anymore. Tell me why in nearly 2 years...I've only had 1 relationship from there, with one whom still frequented the site even while we were dating?

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    Oct 09, 2012 4:53 AM GMT
    So what's a good place to meet people for relationships-- other than real life? I live at home constantly so I can't just get out and about. :/
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    Oct 09, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    I hear ya BlueMoose..
    It's pretty rough out there..!
    Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
    Hugz icon_biggrin.gif.
  • BlueMoose

    Posts: 237

    Oct 09, 2012 5:14 AM GMT
    I understand that the gay life is really over sexualized, especially at my age.. but I have to believe that there are still realization oriented guys. I'm not looking for my husband in every guy I talk to. I'm just looking for guys who actually would like to get to know me more than for my body and whats in my pants. I've done the whole hookup thing and in the end it's not worth it. The guy gets what he wants and moves on regardless how much fun it was.
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    Oct 09, 2012 6:25 AM GMT
    BlueMoose saidI understand that the gay life is really over sexualized, especially at my age.. but I have to believe that there are still realization oriented guys. I'm not looking for my husband in every guy I talk to. I'm just looking for guys who actually would like to get to know me more than for my body and whats in my pants. I've done the whole hookup thing and in the end it's not worth it. The guy gets what he wants and moves on regardless how much fun it was.



    Truth is, you really don't know these people too well to begin with. You just both happen to be gay. Also, I would look into saying what you want in your profiles online. Some people just leave things blank or say vague stuff without saying anything about what they actually want. It's okay to say you don't do hookups and want to date.

    Gay people are no more sexualized than straight people. 2-4 times a day is not uncommon in marriages. Straight people are sluts. Only difference with gay people versus straight is we tend to be to open to sharing partners. I don't know any straight couple that's going to be willing to share his woman or her man with the next bitch unless it's a swingers club.

    That's the only thing that gets me about gay relationships. Straight people fight when someone grinds on their girl. Gay people are conditioned to just let it fly. Some even encourage it. What's so hard about keeping your eyes on your own plate? God, for atleast the 3 dates. Can we go 3 dates without you all over some random guy?
  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 09, 2012 8:16 AM GMT
    BlueMoose saidI understand that the gay life is really over sexualized, especially at my age.. but I have to believe that there are still realization oriented guys. I'm not looking for my husband in every guy I talk to. I'm just looking for guys who actually would like to get to know me more than for my body and whats in my pants. I've done the whole hookup thing and in the end it's not worth it. The guy gets what he wants and moves on regardless how much fun it was.


    IMO you have a way too idealized mindset-and if I may be critical-delusional (I do not mean offense by this word though). Let me rephrase, think about all your friends/acquaintances with the same mindset-then facepalm yourself when you ask yourself if they are also single.

    It is just not a realistic approach to take. Again, my point is no to go slut around, but you have to come to terms with reality and how the gay world works. You can sit here and rebel all you want, and remain single, or you can embrace our society flaws and all, and use this knowledge to your advantage. Being the way you are for the sake of principle achieves nothing except keeping you single.

    Maybe my words are a bit harsh, they are not meant to be, I just get frustrated when I come across guys with this mentality and want to help them but realize there is no helping someone lost in dreamland.

    Guys think with their dicks-you can claim that you don't and maybe that is even true, but clearly your mindset is not doing you justice. I am sure that you are a great guy and all, and you do deserve someone, but thinking that you are above these guys because they maybe have physicality in mind as well is just wrong-afterall I am sure that they aren't posting on forums wondering why they are single and criticizing the other 99% of the gay community-thinking that they are enlightened enough to know the REAL way to live.

    Ok so maybe that last paragraph could come across as douchey, but again I truly truly truly mean it to only open your eyes. It breaks my heart to see single guys who want nothing more than to enjoy what I probably take for granted every day of my life. But you have to realize, that "taking the high road" or considering yourself mentally more evolved than the rest of the gay community that you are coming in contact with-clearly is not helping you, so I implore you to think about what I have said in my 2 posts and rethink your stance.

    I guess any other questions you can feel free to PM me, I AM here to try to help, do not forget that in my words.
  • BlueMoose

    Posts: 237

    Oct 09, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    I understand you are trying to help me understand the gay world. I am still new to all of this and still don't completely understand. I'm not ok with the idea of showing random guys naked pictures of myself. When I say I dont want to do that they just stop talking to me. I can't even give a guy a chance and ignore the overly sexual parts because communication seizes when I'm not throwing around naked pics. How am I supposed to progress with anyone if that is the case?
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    Oct 09, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidI hear ya BlueMoose..
    It's pretty rough out there..!
    Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
    Hugz icon_biggrin.gif.

    Where'd you go, Anocxu????
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    Oct 09, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    I have trouble finding guys who only want sex.
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    Oct 09, 2012 4:46 PM GMT

    BlueMoose, there are many gay worlds.

    Some guys put the physical first. Some put their feelings first. Some have the two combined. Some keep the two very separate.

    I can guarantee there are lots of others just like you. The more people you meet the more likely you'll cross paths.

    Don't judge or begrudge; everyone's different, and that's a wonderful thing. icon_wink.gif

    very warmly,

    -Doug of meninlove
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    Oct 09, 2012 4:48 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidI have trouble finding guys who only want sex.

    I want both... mutually exclusive from one another.
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    Oct 09, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    The guys asking for the dick pics are never going to leave their mothers basements long enough to actually meet with you anyway.

    If you really want to hear crickets, try arranging an active "date," like meeting for a bike ride or a hike. The best I can get is "... well you could come over when you're done with that."

    That's a pretty sure sign that regardless of what the on-line profile looks like, it's Jabba The Hut you're talking to.
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    Oct 09, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    haiqtpi said
    BlueMoose saidI understand that the gay life is really over sexualized, especially at my age.. but I have to believe that there are still realization oriented guys. I'm not looking for my husband in every guy I talk to. I'm just looking for guys who actually would like to get to know me more than for my body and whats in my pants. I've done the whole hookup thing and in the end it's not worth it. The guy gets what he wants and moves on regardless how much fun it was.


    IMO you have a way too idealized mindset-and if I may be critical-delusional (I do not mean offense by this word though). Let me rephrase, think about all your friends/acquaintances with the same mindset-then facepalm yourself when you ask yourself if they are also single.

    It is just not a realistic approach to take. Again, my point is no to go slut around, but you have to come to terms with reality and how the gay world works. You can sit here and rebel all you want, and remain single, or you can embrace our society flaws and all, and use this knowledge to your advantage. Being the way you are for the sake of principle achieves nothing except keeping you single.

    Maybe my words are a bit harsh, they are not meant to be, I just get frustrated when I come across guys with this mentality and want to help them but realize there is no helping someone lost in dreamland.

    Guys think with their dicks-you can claim that you don't and maybe that is even true, but clearly your mindset is not doing you justice. I am sure that you are a great guy and all, and you do deserve someone, but thinking that you are above these guys because they maybe have physicality in mind as well is just wrong-afterall I am sure that they aren't posting on forums wondering why they are single and criticizing the other 99% of the gay community-thinking that they are enlightened enough to know the REAL way to live.

    Ok so maybe that last paragraph could come across as douchey, but again I truly truly truly mean it to only open your eyes. It breaks my heart to see single guys who want nothing more than to enjoy what I probably take for granted every day of my life. But you have to realize, that "taking the high road" or considering yourself mentally more evolved than the rest of the gay community that you are coming in contact with-clearly is not helping you, so I implore you to think about what I have said in my 2 posts and rethink your stance.

    I guess any other questions you can feel free to PM me, I AM here to try to help, do not forget that in my words.


    How is wanting a guy that's interested in more than your body and dick too idealistic? Yeah, I agree that guys think with their dicks a lot, but eventually the brain intervenes. At that point, you have a decision to make. The problem is that many gay men are not emotionally or mentally mature enough for a relationship. There are many reasons for this, but peer pressure and the acceptability of promiscuity are two huge reasons. There are plenty of men like me out there who want a relationship. You just won't find guys like us whoring it up at clubs or trolling for booty on A4A.
  • BlueMoose

    Posts: 237

    Oct 09, 2012 4:52 PM GMT


    How is wanting a guy that's interested in more than your body and dick too idealistic? Yeah, I agree that guys think with their dicks a lot, but eventually the brain intervenes. At that point, you have a decision to make. The problem is that many gay men are not emotionally or mentally mature enough for a relationship. There are many reasons for this, but peer pressure and the acceptability of promiscuity are two huge reasons. There are plenty of men like me out there who want a relationship. You just won't find guys like us whoring it up at clubs or trolling for booty on A4A.[/quote]

    That is what I mean. I didn't think what I was asking is too much. How can I even get to know someone if all they talk about is their dick and places they want to put it. That's not a real conversation.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 09, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    ParadiseLost saidSo what's a good place to meet people for relationships-- other than real life? I live at home constantly so I can't just get out and about. :/


    I met my boyfriend off Grindr... There is hope.
  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 09, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    redsoxfan791 said
    haiqtpi said
    BlueMoose said
    How is wanting a guy that's interested in more than your body and dick too idealistic? Yeah, I agree that guys think with their dicks a lot, but eventually the brain intervenes. At that point, you have a decision to make. The problem is that many gay men are not emotionally or mentally mature enough for a relationship. There are many reasons for this, but peer pressure and the acceptability of promiscuity are two huge reasons. There are plenty of men like me out there who want a relationship. You just won't find guys like us whoring it up at clubs or trolling for booty on A4A.





    ***I apologize if this comes across as douchey, rude, or arrogant. I sorta just woke up after a long night, and have not properly awoken, I tried to watch my words and tone, because afterall I post in this forum to try to help people with all my heart and give them ideas that maybe they have not thought of-but sometimes they do not want to hear them and it can hurt. I have reread it a few times and to me it sounds fine, but if you take offense, please feel free to PM me or point it out, that was far from my intention, especially with regards to OP***



    When a guy wants to hook up with you, for example, that does not mean that 24/7 365 they are thinking about sex with you. From my observation and experience, it is sorta like a hurdle, or the outer layer of a tootsie pop (so I have the owl commercial in my head now! lol), you gotta get through that part to get to the real person-OR at least acknowledge the duality of a gay man and know that the sexual side will present itself frequently-especially when you are talking on a4a or grindr or something, its not like you are meeting these guys in a bookstore or church, gotta be REALISTIC.

    Now, does that mean sleep with everyone to see if they are a good guy deep down? OF COURSE NOT. The overall point is that you are probably pissing away some decent guys (statistically speaking) because you are just so turned off when a guy on a hookup medium, which you are trying to use to meet guys (and really there is nothing wrong with that, you just gotta start realizing what you are using and see that A it comes with the territory, and more importantly that a lot of guys use that medium WHEN THEY ARE IN A SEXUAL MINDSET/MOOD-does that mean they are in this mindset 24/7, NO, therefore you sorta gotta give in something to open the door into becoming more cordial with them and talking. These mediums are wonderful for being presented to a large pool of people but you have to know how to use them, and how to play the game of gay life.

    I mean the kid (and I mean that with all due respect) is 22, lets take a moment and just be real-how many 22 yr olds do you know (assuming that this OP is in fact one of them-lets give him benefit of the doubt) or someone in that area, are truly truly wanting a relationship, not just to have one, but because they are mature enough mentally and sexually, and are prepared for a LONGTERM relationship. Any old fool can have a relationship for 4-6 months, you don't even know each other at that point. I mean to each their own, maybe he does want a boyfriend just for the sake of having one and not wanting to feel "alone" but in the long run all that does is waste time. The sad rule of our world is to out and get it all out, then settle down because the REALITY is that pickin's are slim.

    Think I am cynical, think that I am a hippocrite, deny the fact that I am one of the only people on here bring a dose of reality to the picture. You all can sit and read your twilight love novels and about how the world is perfect and argue right and wrong and principle-but look at where it has gotten you all. I try to post on this forum to help people-and I find it quite unfair and sad that some of the older posters on this forum are not the ones keeping everyone in check with reality. It sincerely made me sad. I think that it is horrible advice for someone who has been through it all, or a lot, to sit and tell a 22 yr old gay kid that he is right in A wanting a longterm bf at 22 and B that the odds are not stacked against him and C that his peers are the ones who are wrong for wanting to explore their sexuality. I wonder why so many gay youth are depressed and disillusioned? Oh yeah its because we do not have a proper, honest, support system.

    My overall advice for OP with the most sincere message:

    Stop going out/launching grindr or a4a, and saying I want a bf or a best friend. You have to start with an open slate, let relationships build (both romantic and platonic) from the bottom. Just realize, 99% of people use this WHEN they are in a sexual/horny mood-so you either gotta play the game (to an extent) or you are really wasting your time if you are going to be all turned off when I guy asks for pics or wants to hang to hookup.
  • Spiritreaver

    Posts: 2086

    Oct 09, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    He has every right to be disgusted and turned off when people ask for sex on Grindr when he is not looking for it. ESPECIALLY if his profile states that he not interested in hookups.

    Grindr is not an app for looking for sex. That is how people have chosen to use it for. It is a tool for meeting people. Period. Nothing more. People are allowed to use it any way they wish. Yes it is the norm to look for sex, but telling someone to not use it for other means is silly, as many people have gotten more than sex off Grindr or other sites.

    My biggest issue with people using that whole, "Looking for love in all the wrong places" shtick, is that they never give advice for WHERE to go about forming something toward the road to a relationship.

    For some people, they don't live in an area with a thriving gay community. They also may not easily attract people who are gay, even in highly social situations (school, work, friends). Where else are these people going to turn to but online sites, apps, and clubs/bars? None of these are really all that great either.

    I speak from someone also struggling with this issue. I have tried everything from leaving myself open, going online, not looking for a relationship at all (the, let it come to you approach), and the bar hop shit. My one and only real successful relationship came from RJ, back when I first joined.

    I've sort of taken the stance that it's just not worth it right now. The "wait for it" approach is the easiest path to choose because you're not left thinking about it much. That and you don't have to deal with all the guys who are just around to waste your time.

    EDIT: I have also been on a shitton of "dates" that ended with the guy just wanting sex regardless of how much he wanted "more" before the date. I have given in sometimes, sometimes not. The out come is always the same. They don't want any more of me after. You are not going to get anything emotionally satisfying from anyone who wants to hook up.
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Oct 09, 2012 7:18 PM GMT
    A4A, Grindr, Scruff, gaydar nor Manhunt are places to find boyfriend material. As a rule, if it has a field to input your dick size, sexual role or fetish it is not a place to find a boyfriend.

    Sure there are exceptions, but those are precisely that: exceptions.

    You getting mad about an A4A acquaintance not been LTR oriented is the same as getting mad with a charcoal from a charcoal mine for not turning out to be a diamond in disguise.
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    Oct 09, 2012 7:20 PM GMT
    Spiritreaver saidHe has every right to be disgusted and turned off when people ask for sex on Grindr when he is not looking for it. ESPECIALLY if his profile states that he not interested in hookups.

    Grindr is not an app for looking for sex. That is how people have chosen to use it for. It is a tool for meeting people. Period. Nothing more. People are allowed to use it any way they wish. Yes it is the norm to look for sex, but telling someone to not use it for other means is silly, as many people have gotten more than sex off Grindr or other sites.

    My biggest issue with people using that whole, "Looking for love in all the wrong places" shtick, is that they never give advice for WHERE to go about forming something toward the road to a relationship.

    For some people, they don't live in an area with a thriving gay community. They also may not easily attract people who are gay, even in highly social situations (school, work, friends). Where else are these people going to turn to but online sites, apps, and clubs/bars? None of these are really all that great either.

    I speak from someone also struggling with this issue. I have tried everything from leaving myself open, going online, not looking for a relationship at all (the, let it come to you approach), and the bar hop shit. My one and only real successful relationship came from RJ, back when I first joined.

    I've sort of taken the stance that it's just not worth it right now. The "wait for it" approach is the easiest path to choose because you're not left thinking about it much. That and you don't have to deal with all the guys who are just around to waste your time.

    EDIT: I have also been on a shitton of "dates" that ended with the guy just wanting sex regardless of how much he wanted "more" before the date. I have given in sometimes, sometimes not. The out come is always the same. They don't want any more of me after. You are not going to get anything emotionally satisfying from anyone who wants to hook up.


    I totally agree. I have tried it all as well and my longest "relationship" has lasted a week. So I gave up looking and have gotten more dates and opportunities since then. Also u feel much better about yourself when you aren't all down on yourself for being alone. Enjoy being alone, at least there's no fucking drama. Something will happen when u least expect it : )
  • Spiritreaver

    Posts: 2086

    Oct 09, 2012 7:24 PM GMT
    Dominican_Gent saidA4A, Grindr, Scruff, gaydar nor Manhunt are places to find boyfriend material. As a rule, if it has a field to input your dick size, sexual role or fetish it is not a place to find a boyfriend.

    Sure there are exceptions, but those are precisely that: exceptions.

    You getting mad about an A4A acquaintance not been LTR oriented is the same as getting mad with a charcoal from a charcoal mine for not turning out to be a diamond in disguise.
    Grindr, Jack'd, and Scruff don't have any of those fields. The OP can be upset about this, but in all reality he should be expecting/used to guys only wanting a hookup.
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    Oct 09, 2012 7:34 PM GMT
    I like to meet guys where I'm at in real life. Like if there is a guy at the grocery store who seems nice and attracts me somehow, I'll say "Hello"; or, anywhere else for that matter. There is no magic bullet, or ever going to be an app made that will cute the trouble out meeting someone first hand. Unless you want to have a strictly cyber relationship with someone, like some fantasized scripted movie mess, or just enjoy the lack of connectivity you get from none interpersonal relations with people, don't worry too much about the quality of the people you meet in these situations. Very few of them will be the kind of person you expect them to be... and for the ones that are... you best hope you're the kind of person they expect to meet as well.
  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 09, 2012 7:39 PM GMT
    Spiritreaver saidHe has every right to be disgusted and turned off when people ask for sex on Grindr when he is not looking for it. ESPECIALLY if his profile states that he not interested in hookups.

    Grindr is not an app for looking for sex. That is how people have chosen to use it for. It is a tool for meeting people. Period. Nothing more. People are allowed to use it any way they wish. Yes it is the norm to look for sex, but telling someone to not use it for other means is silly, as many people have gotten more than sex off Grindr or other sites.

    My biggest issue with people using that whole, "Looking for love in all the wrong places" shtick, is that they never give advice for WHERE to go about forming something toward the road to a relationship.

    For some people, they don't live in an area with a thriving gay community. They also may not easily attract people who are gay, even in highly social situations (school, work, friends). Where else are these people going to turn to but online sites, apps, and clubs/bars? None of these are really all that great either.

    I speak from someone also struggling with this issue. I have tried everything from leaving myself open, going online, not looking for a relationship at all (the, let it come to you approach), and the bar hop shit. My one and only real successful relationship came from RJ, back when I first joined.

    I've sort of taken the stance that it's just not worth it right now. The "wait for it" approach is the easiest path to choose because you're not left thinking about it much. That and you don't have to deal with all the guys who are just around to waste your time.

    EDIT: I have also been on a shitton of "dates" that ended with the guy just wanting sex regardless of how much he wanted "more" before the date. I have given in sometimes, sometimes not. The out come is always the same. They don't want any more of me after. You are not going to get anything emotionally satisfying from anyone who wants to hook up.




    Ok a few things: Do you really think that people read Grindr profiles? Although I guess that IS something that you can do with only 1 hand -_- Its more, oh pretty face/big cock/hot body let me message them.

    Second, I never said love in the wrong place-I actually do advocate people use these sites/apps, but intelligently; do not think that someone is going to message you and say "oh my good sir I just drowned in the shiny blue pearls that are your eyes." Basically, its a great tool to find a large pool of guys for whatever, but CAN WE PLEASE SPARE THE BULLSHIT that grindr is not a hookup app that it was magically taken over by evil gays for that purpose? Anyone who denies what grindr is, or what it is used for, deserves to be admitted to Bellevue.

    As far as people living where there is little gay community, hell I grew up in rural New Hampshire, not a whole lot there lol I get the whole online/app thing I really do, and there is nothing wrong with it, what is wrong is the mindset that people are taking walking into it.

    News flash: there is not necessarily anything wrong with these guys you are talking to ( I mean yea maybe we all have perverted our culture blah blah but thats too deep) maybe the issue is you and your mindset. This enlightened, holier than thou thing about how you do not need or want sex, that you are above it. Well congrats for being above it all, and isolating yourself away from the rest of the gay population...get my point? You are going to have to alter your mindset if you want to find success. Is that necessarily "fair" or "right"? Of course not, but it is how the world works.

    Dating sucks, being single sucks (at some point), I get all this and my heart goes out to anyone in that situation. But the way to fix it, is to play ball. You can say that is bad advice, or that I am encouraging you to be a slut and sleep around and be promiscuous (despite the fact that I have said on many threads that is NOT what I advocate), I just think that you gotta fit into society if you want to go somewhere. Here-would you walk into a gay club/party blasting Metallica (who I happen to love but for the sake of this they must be used to prove a point) or trying to talk to people about hair metal? No, you would fit into the conversations appropriately.

    You can deny it all you want, but let me ask you this: Has your mindset and taking the high road gotten you very far? Exactly!
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 09, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    I happen to personally know the creators of Grindr. It is not intended to be a hookup app and they are pretty unimpressed that its become what it is.