How do you really feel about hookups and having sex on the first or second date?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 4:20 AM GMT
    I would assume the generic answer would be, "it depends on the person", but I just wanted to revisit this topic again and find out how other people think of it because I'm starting to date again now.

    I have met guys who say they want to hookup, send explicit texts, etc...but then when it comes down to doing it face to face, they either back out or ask the infamous question at some point, "are you clean (aka disease free) which I think is such a slap in the face question to ask someone and really unnecessary. Anyone could say they are clean, yet be completely unaware they may be harboring something during an incubation period. And first of all, if you were REALLY concerned about what you just asked, you have no business being on adam4adam or Grindr talking about you really wanted to {insert indiscretion}. I'm almost to the point that I want to tell guys from the get-go, don't even come over if you're going to ask me something like that (usually the younger guys 20-25 ask that kind of crap)

    There's just so many situations where hooking up right away can make or break a relationship. I've did it on the first date and had it turn into a relationship, and I've also been the one to wait for months only to have no relationship come from it. Even worse, in some scenarios I waited awhile to have sex with someone, only for the relationship to disintegrate shortly after. As if not having sex somehow wounded us up in friendzone and doing it turns out awkward.

    I used to be the type to think if I made guys wait for it, something would be more likely to come from it. In most cases, it didn't end up going much of anywhere. But lately I'm starting to feel that if it happens on the first or second time meeting up...it's no harm done. And especially in this fast past Grindr world, it's like if someone is not giving up sex, it's so easy to get it from someone else. But, If I'm hooking up with someone regularly and having regular dates, I'm not going to be out looking for something else.

    Based on your past experiences, where do you stand? How does one know whether they are just being a dick-tease or if they are having sex too soon? I've played and been played the role of dick-tease, and it rarely ever leads to anything. In fact it's a very sinister game to play with anyone...


  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 09, 2012 4:27 AM GMT
    I mean you have to realize that perfectly good guys, get urges, and sometimes act on them-does not mean they aren't relationship material. I tell everyone, do not go out and look for a bf. A lasting relationship comes from nothing, built up over time. Otherwise, if you go out looking for a partner, you start to judge them by what you expect your partner to be from the start-instead of adapting to someone (as you would from something more casual at first) and accepting them for who and what they are, flaws and all..does that make sense to you?

    That is not to say don't bother talking to someone about it intentions, just maybe tread lightly on the subject, it can scare them away even. Plenty of people are open to a relationship, but when you start talking about it from the start can be off putting and make you come across as creepy or clingy...you gotta get the hang of how to balance it all, hang with someone, and show them what you offer, and see what they offer, and after all that exploration, decide what you want-THAT is how you find a meaningful relationship. Do NOT go out looking for the knight in shining armor, you will end up waiting a lifetime.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 4:42 AM GMT
    haiqtpi saidI mean you have to realize that perfectly good guys, get urges, and sometimes act on them-does not mean they aren't relationship material. I tell everyone, do not go out and look for a bf. A lasting relationship comes from nothing, built up over time. Do NOT go out looking for the knight in shining armor, you will end up waiting a lifetime.


    I agree with that. When I tell people I want to date, I am not saying I'm looking with a clipboard in hand of guys...but rather that I'm OPEN to date someone. A lot of times people confuse the 2. Some people simply don't want a relationship period. I do.

    I go out, and I have fun and I meet people...but if it goes somewhere it does, if not it doesn't. But...it still doesn't quite answer my question, when is it appropriate to hookup with someone LOL? Should you do it when both agree on it or will it create issues if 1 doesn't but the other does?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 4:43 AM GMT
    Hmmm...I never really understood guys who said that waiting to have sex somehow builds a stronger relationship. I have seen relationships that last for years start as a quick hook up. Mine lasted 6 years after we hooked up the first night at a bar. The reason we broke up had nothing to do with how long we waited to have sex. I have seen relationships quickly fizzle after a long courtship where sex wasn't in the question. I think whether or not a person decided to have sex with someone depends completely on how the two guys feel toward each other at the moment.

    The part about guys on hook up sites wanting a relationship is a tricky one. I have been honest that I am indeed looking for a relationship, but this does not mean that everyguy I talk to online I find relationship material. When a guy asks me if I'm ready to date, it doesn't mean I'm just going to go on a date with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that asks me out. Sometimes I think they are hot and a better fit for a fuck buddy, but I would only want them to fuck my brains out. This doesn't mean myself I am not relationship material or that I'm just some whore,it just means that this particular guy that is nailing me to the head board is Mr. Right Now, and not Mr. Right. There are men who I have sex with who I don't find relationship material, but we are all men. And sometimes the kitty needs feeding as Yourname would say....

    And the point of asking someone if they are clean is just covering your bases. Yes, people can and do lie, but you would expect that most guys will be honest about something as serious as their health status. I use protection everytime anyway, so it's not like their answer would effect whether or not I use a condom when it comes time to bump uglies.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:04 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidSometimes I think they are hot and a better fit for a fuck buddy, but I would only want them to fuck my brains out. This doesn't mean myself I am not relationship material or that I'm just some whore,it just means that this particular guy that is nailing me to the head board is Mr. Right Now, and not Mr. Right. There are men who I have sex with who I don't find relationship material, but we are all men. And sometimes the kitty needs feeding as Yourname would say...


    That's what I'm trying to get at. Sometimes you have that guy who is hookup material, but a relationship may not be possible for various reasons. But let's use haiqtpi's hypothesis: when you meet someone for the first time, how does any of us know right away if they are relationship material or not? That's where it can get tricky.

    But in the same sense, I can't make nobody want to date me. I can't withold sex in hopes for it or do it to make them want to. That's why I'm so confused. There's the guy you hooked up with from the bar and go home and have sex first night, turns into something. Then there's online guy who you do the same thing with, and it never goes anywhere.

    Is it maybe the answer is online and real-life hookups are different? I'll admit my biggest obstacle with online hookups, is it tends to lead that way because the guys usually don't seem enthused about doing anything to the contrary. They don't suggest places to meet, don't like going to bars...it's like I tend to be the one to make plans and suggest things to do and some weeks I'm not in that mood. Rather just cut to the chase if the relationship is going to be that boring.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:05 AM GMT
    Do what ever the hell you want.

    You wanna sleep with the guy on the first date go for it

    You don't wanna date, go for it.

    You wanna wait a few weeks or months, go for it.

    What others are doing is completely unimportant. Do what you and He wanna do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:08 AM GMT
    I don't think anyone can ever know for sure if a person they just met will be 100% relationship material. While I can usually tell right off the bat who I would date, there is still a possiblity I could be all wrong. I'm sure straight people have the same problems. You just never know what the future holds.

    Doesn't matter if you meet him online, in person, or a a bathhouse, you just never know who will turn into the love of your life. Just do you and let things fall into place.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:13 AM GMT
    There are no guarantees that if you make a guy wait.. it will automatically progress into a relationship..OR
    ..If you give it up on the first date it won't..

    ..A hookup is a hookup.. a date is a date some of us mix the two..and some us don't.. Either way..no guarantees for a relationship.. icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    haiqtpi saidI mean you have to realize that perfectly good guys, get urges, and sometimes act on them-does not mean they aren't relationship material. I tell everyone, do not go out and look for a bf. A lasting relationship comes from nothing, built up over time. Otherwise, if you go out looking for a partner, you start to judge them by what you expect your partner to be from the start-instead of adapting to someone (as you would from something more casual at first) and accepting them for who and what they are, flaws and all..does that make sense to you?

    That is not to say don't bother talking to someone about it intentions, just maybe tread lightly on the subject, it can scare them away even. Plenty of people are open to a relationship, but when you start talking about it from the start can be off putting and make you come across as creepy or clingy...you gotta get the hang of how to balance it all, hang with someone, and show them what you offer, and see what they offer, and after all that exploration, decide what you want-THAT is how you find a meaningful relationship. Do NOT go out looking for the knight in shining armor, you will end up waiting a lifetime.


    This. As much as I would love to leave all my cards on the table with a guy I just met, you have to keep in mind that they don't won't always share the same values and expectations that you do. This doesn't mean be dishonest with them, but get to know them a little but before you poor your heart out. Who knows, you yourself might end up rethinking whether or not you really like this guy or not. Give yourself room to get out of it before you start placing all these rules and expectations on other guys.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    What others are doing is completely unimportant. Do what you and He wanna do.


    "He" doesn't know what he wants to do. He may want to hookup, but is that going to meet my long-term goals? Or am I throwing away something before it can even get started? This comes up because I can remember in the past hooking up with someone, and then never meeting the person again. It's like okay...that's not the direction I want to go with guys. But like I said in my earlier post, many don't give off the impression that they want to do anything more than that.

    They should be saying, "let's go to a movie, or let's go out Saturday". Not, "I been needing to suck some dick lately or what's your address". If they not saying that, and I'm the one who has to bring it up and be party-planner, and they just agreeing to everything without putting any input themselves, it makes me think they just want a hookup.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    lilTanker said
    What others are doing is completely unimportant. Do what you and He wanna do.


    "He" doesn't know what he wants to do. He may want to hookup, but is that going to meet my long-term goals? Or am I throwing away something before it can even get started? This comes up because I can remember in the past hooking up with someone, and then never meeting the person again. It's like okay...that's not the direction I want to go with guys. But like I said in my earlier post, many don't give off the impression that they want to do anything more than that.

    Oh your going to meet tons of guys that will say what ever they have to to get you in the sack. That includes getting you to think they want a relationship.

    If you wanna hold off then by all means do it, but the worthwhile ones are in the mix of horny ones and they are gonna get you just as horny and seem kinda the same... except they come back for more..

    Unfortunately in my experience its been a bit of throw it at the wall and see what sticks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    You all have made some valid points with your hypotheses and discussions but before I answer some of those questions raised, I want to share my thoughts first.


    This is just me but I don't really do hookups (that involve sex anyway). I don't mind mutual masturbation and such but it's rather limiting what I do with a person-- which may put him off. I feel sex is something very sacred and it is something I cannot bring myself to do with just anyone or everyone. It has to be with a person who I trust, feel attraction to, feel connected with, have strong feelings for, and feel comfortable with. I have an old-fashioned/conservative stance when it comes to sex and how/when/where I go about having sex with another guy.

    I don't really see anyone worth my while in Grindr. I may have in the past. In fact, that -is- how I met my second ex; however, the chords I wish to ring with a person should, ideally, come from their heart-- something I learned from the second relationship which was the worst out of the three I've had so far with men.

    Anyway, I'm also not interested in hook ups given the diseases and shit that can also come with it. I rather have sex with a person once they're monogamous with me. They're also very dead-end and one dimmensional to me. I want something that grow beyond sex. In my opinion, sex should not be the sole means to find out more about a person. Rather, it should be something that happens when two people feel the same way about each other. When you're hooking up, the only thing you're feeling is the heat of attraction and your sex drive.

    So, as per your questions:

    1) How do you know if a person is being a cock tease?
    I have to answer this question with several more questions: Has the person in question explained WHY he's delaying sex? Has he provided a period of time when it might become available? And, of course, are you willing to wait? If you find yourself saying "no" to any of these, you may want to reevaluate your relationship with him.

    2) When is sex too soon? Again, to answer that question, when is it soon? When is it just right? When is it too late? You have to define these things for yourself. These have nothing to do with the other person so much as it has to do with you and what you're comfortable with. For some, sex is "too soon" when it's the first date. For others, sex is too soon when it's happened before 5 dates. What do you think?

    3) How do you know a person is worth a relationship material? You date him and get to know him better. You spend some time with him and see if he makes you smile, if he holds the same beliefs as you, that he can make you laugh, and genuinely is interested in getting to know YOU better too. There's still no guarantees after this point (again, my second relationship being a great example). You have to let some walls down for him to see more of you and vice versa.

    Ultimately, you have to draw your lines out very distinctly so that others can follow you and, more importantly, you know what to do in case you find yourself at an impasse.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    ParadiseLost said
    1) How do you know if a person is being a cock tease?
    I have to answer this question with several more questions: Has the person in question explained WHY he's delaying sex? Has he provided a period of time when it might become available? And, of course, are you willing to wait? If you find yourself saying "no" to any of these, you may want to reevaluate your relationship with him.


    I hung out with the ultimate cock tease for nearly 5 months earlier this year and I never want to be in that situation again. EVER! He basically pulled the friend card for 5 months, giving every excuse under the fucking sun to not be having sex, although it nearly happened the first night we met from the bar. Yet he'd want to do sleepovers and monopolize my weekends, to where I couldn't focus on dating anyone else.

    I agreed to the friend thing, but last night was the absolute last draw with him for me when I had a guy I met a couple times from Grindr meet us at the bar. He starts going on about how he took me for granted and that he thought I'd wait forever to have sex with him and he was asking me if he decided to hookup with me, if I would do it.

    I'm like dude...you are a basket case. You had 5 months to make a move and you didn't, frankly I've waited so long, I don't even have the desire to even if you did want to. You going to hold me up all this time, and then when I meet someone else, you want to try and make a move and interfere with someone I'm trying to get to know. I don't know what kind of friend/boyfriend you are, but I'm not interested in bait and switch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 6:04 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    ParadiseLost said
    1) How do you know if a person is being a cock tease?
    I have to answer this question with several more questions: Has the person in question explained WHY he's delaying sex? Has he provided a period of time when it might become available? And, of course, are you willing to wait? If you find yourself saying "no" to any of these, you may want to reevaluate your relationship with him.


    I dated the ultimate cock tease for nearly 5 months earlier this year and I never want to be in that situation again. EVER! He basically pulled the friend card for 5 months, but wanted to occasionally makeout and do sleepovers, while not actually being together. He'd also throw the jealously card around alot too, while doing his own thing.

    I agreed to the friend thing, but last night was the absolute last draw with him for me when I had a guy I met a couple times from Grindr meet us at the bar. He starts going on about how he took me for granted and that he thought I'd wait forever to have sex with him and he was asking me if he decided to hookup with me, if I would do it.

    I'm like dude...you are a basket case. You had 5 months to make a move and you didn't, frankly I've waited so long, I don't even have the desire to even if you did want to. You going to hold me up all this time, and then when I meet someone else, you want to try and make a move. I don't know what kind of friend/boyfriend you are, but I'm not interested in bait and switch.


    Um... Yeah, I'd have to agree with that. "Friends"? No ma'am. Friendship is important whilst getting to know a person but it seems like he didn't want commitment to you. He wasn't just a simple "cock tease" so more as he lead you on, period. Looks like he didn't know what he wanted, which, now in retrospect, I can see why you want advice to avoid the situation again.

    However, you have to set a time for yourself and also speak to your partner. Don't be silent and chew the fat/bite your tongue for the sake of satisfying your partner or trying to "be good". Patience isn't about bending completely over to another person's whims here and being manipulated by their confusion. It's about creating space which the person can move within whilst still being contained within a boundary.

    Do not wait that long but DO ask your prospective partner "Hey, when do you think two people should have sex?" Share your thoughts. Hear his. See if it's reasonable to you. Mention/Stress on ambiguity is not really something you want to deal with given your situation in the past. If he understands you, he'll respect those needs of yours. If he's vague and says, "Well, I just wait as long as it takes for me to trust a person" know that this person isn't likely the best candidate for you.

    I hope that helps! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 6:13 AM GMT
    I fucked a guy the day we met. I fucked him the next day as well and we're still fucking together 25 plus years now. How I wished I'd waited
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 6:16 AM GMT
    ParadiseLost saidMention/Stress on ambiguity is not really something you want to deal with given your situation in the past. If he understands you, he'll respect those needs of yours. If he's vague and says, "Well, I just wait as long as it takes for me to trust a person" know that this person isn't likely the best candidate for you.

    I hope that helps! icon_biggrin.gif


    A lot of guys are vague and that does my head in! Sometimes I don't know if some guys are emotionally illiterate or what (I hate to be so harsh, but there seems to be an extreme lack of communication with many guys). I always hear, "it's whatever". "Are you looking to meet up somewhere or meet at my place?" "It's whatever" . What does that mean? Don't just agree to everything I say LOL.

    Not everyone is like that (some talk way too much LOL), but I'd appreciate someone offering what they are looking for and what boundaries they have rather than waiting for me to draw it out of them. Because that gives them the power to agree or disagree and that's just selfish.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 6:37 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    ParadiseLost saidMention/Stress on ambiguity is not really something you want to deal with given your situation in the past. If he understands you, he'll respect those needs of yours. If he's vague and says, "Well, I just wait as long as it takes for me to trust a person" know that this person isn't likely the best candidate for you.

    I hope that helps! icon_biggrin.gif


    A lot of guys are vague and that does my head in! Sometimes I don't know if some guys are emotionally illiterate or what (I hate to be so harsh, but there seems to be an extreme lack of communication with many guys). I always hear, "it's whatever". "Are you looking to meet up somewhere or meet at my place?" "It's whatever" . What does that mean? Don't just agree to everything I say LOL.

    Not everyone is like that (some talk way too much LOL), but I'd appreciate someone offering what they are looking for and what boundaries they have rather than waiting for me to draw it out of them. Because that gives them the power to agree or disagree and that's just selfish.


    That's probably because you're not meeting men who are capable of communicating with you rather than at you-- which those who talk too little/much get into trouble with. icon_smile.gif Saying "It's whatever" is firing off a thoughtless response. You need someone a bit more grounded and more firm on his stance, I think, and in a way that mutually receives yours. icon_smile.gif

    I don't cater to people who have personalities of a sponge-- when pursuing someone anyway. I need intellectual stimulation as much as I need sexual. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 12:46 PM GMT
    I'm not against hooking up on a first date. I think were all guys here, we all have urges, and as long as its safe and consensual theres nothing wrong with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    Since I've never gone beyond a second date with someone...and that second date has always entailed hooking up...not that great to be honest. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 3:44 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidSince I don't like sex I don't see the appeal.


    ..but then there's making love, which is a whole lot different from just sex. icon_wink.gif ....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 4:00 PM GMT
    Trollileo said
    meninlove said
    Trollileo saidSince I don't like sex I don't see the appeal.
    ..but then there's making love, which is a whole lot different from just sex. icon_wink.gif ....
    People do that?


    Yep, and it'll rock your world. And we'll know when that happens because of the silly grin you'll have on your face. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 4:17 PM GMT

    I mostly view sex on the first date/meet as a sign that you both don't see a true relationship building.
    Call me old fashioned, I just figure if you're going to have sex with someone you care deeply about - then you'd be more interested in just getting to know them (outside of bed). If you rush to sex then clearly your expectations of the person outside of bed are not that high. This doesn't mean you don't find them attractive, just that you don't see anything serious with the guy in your future.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 09, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    I may be a bit old fashioned, but I feel that you should hold off on sex if you're there for a date. Actually get to know each other than have sexy time another time.

    If it starts from a hookup that's another thing...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    I always thought you're supposed to hookup for sex before exchanging names and ph#'s.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 09, 2012 4:22 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidI always thought you're supposed to hookup for sex before exchanging names and ph#'s.

    icon_lol.gif