I need to vent...

  • kuroshiro

    Posts: 786

    Oct 10, 2012 2:34 PM GMT
    I'm just going to toss something out there because I'm going to lose it if I stew on it much longer, so apologies in advance...

    I came out to my parents roughly five years ago. It wasn't an easy thing to do and I thought my relationship with them would forever be tarnished. But, I wasn't like the typical homosexual that they had in mind (the lispy, limp wristed kind). Gotta love the stereotype. It took a while and a lot of talking from another individual I worked with to help my parents along. Eventually my homosexuality became a moot point of sorts. It was swept under the rug and never really addressed again.

    My mother, over time, developed this bizarre notion that every guy I mentioned I was somehow involved with. Basically, she thought I was boinking every one of my male friends. Yeah... I'm gonna go with a resounding "NO!" on that one. I've tried and tried again to get her to stop thinking this way but, mothers will be mothers I suppose. I've had one boyfriend and have only dated two guys afterwards in my entire life.

    Anyways, I recently turned in my two week noticed at work to begin my move to Albuquerque and start over. I'm hoping to find some happiness and once again regain the spark for life I once had and cease being a miserable and depressed coot all the time. The catch for all of this is... I'm staying with my best friend. Mind you, we have a very awkward and unique history together. If circumstances were different at one point and time we may very well have ended up together. I somehow doubt that now, but that's a different story. Still, I'm going to be staying at his house for a month or two (possibly until the first of the year). That being the case, my mother knows I care about him and vice versa (I think).

    Except she thinks I'm doing this entirely for him.

    Today as I was checking up on my e-mails and some news bulletins she came into my room and informed me that she was yanking me from her phone line. Meaning, my add on to her number wouldn't be there. So the $20 it costs a month for my addition (which mind you I pay in full) would turn into a $110 a month unnecessary phone bill. I was like "uh... okay".

    She walks out.

    She walks back in, paces to the far end of my room and comes back and her eyes are a bit watery. She mutters, "I hope he's worth it!" in a sort of sing-song fashion. At this point I sort of explode on her with, "I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I'm not freaking doing this FOR HIM. It's FOR ME! You fixate on the stupidest shit all the time!" She didn't really have a response other than, "Yeah, well...".

    She leaves and goes back upstairs. Meanwhile, I pick up my silverware from breakfast and proceed to head upstairs to get a cup of coffee when I hear my father go, "I betcha if he wasn't gay he wouldn't be doing this."

    I just turned and walked back into my room. I felt like I was just stabbed in the chest. I guess all these years my parents were just masking their understanding and their tolerance for who I am. They STILL hate me for being gay. Regardless of all of the discussions we have, the jokes we've made about it, etc, it seems that their deep-rooted misunderstanding/upbringing just will not change. A part of me wonders if this is the end of the relationship with my parents or what... I have zero tolerance when it comes to them in some regards... they can be very racist and bigoted individuals. I'm often amazed at how I turned out to be the complete opposite of them.

    I have two weeks until I move. It's supposed to be a joyous occasion but I somehow feel like it's going to be a repeat of me moving out five years ago... only this time I'm not coming back (hopefully).
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Oct 10, 2012 2:42 PM GMT
    Well to start I'm sorry you had to endure that.. It seems that you have done all that you can to help them see where you're coming from. It's not like when your mom would make those comments that you wouldn't say anything, clearly you have been telling her that not every guy you mention is more than a friend and especially your best-friend.

    There is really only so much you can do to change another person's perspective. I just think moving out will really be the best thing for you since it's not fair for you to feel as though you are are living in a place that has drained your spark for life and ultimately makes you depressed at times. That's not living my friend. Which is why I honestly hope that when you make this move that you never think twice about it. Judging from the post you do deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. If your parents just can't seem to come to terms with who you are as a person that is them. As you stated they can be racist and bigoted but that only reflects on them. So do not allow their misery to reflect on you.
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    Oct 10, 2012 3:10 PM GMT

    It appears to me that they're both thinking you're moving away for a man. They obviously want you to stay, but have to realize you're a grown-up now (many parents have a problem with this).

    I'd sit them both down together, tell them you're NOT doing this for a man, but that this old FRIEND Mom knows about is putting you up til you can get a place of your own, and to put aside any romantic concerns. Tell them you want to stand on your own two feet, and that you hope they want that for you and will support you in doing so.

    You can say this in a kind, patient and warm way, as adult to adult.
    Wait for their response. Repeat as necessary.

    Hope this helps!

    warmly,

    -Doug

  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 10, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    birds_in_nest.jpg

    Just keep it in the back of your mind that they love you and are worried about you that is why they are acting the way they are.
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    Oct 11, 2012 1:21 AM GMT
    Hey Kuroshiro,
    I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know what it's like to have parents with selective hearing.

    I think you have three major problems here:

    1) Your parents have some misconceptions about being gay. Obviously they go by stereotypes. There aren't many ways to change misconceptions in the minds of certain people, especially when they have selective hearing. But you can try talkng to them. (This may not help at all)

    2)They blame everything on being gay, when obviously you are just a grown man, looking for something in life. They obviously love you and are sad to see you go. If you weren't gay, they may blame some woman, but since you are they are just gonna blame a guy instead. They are sad to see you go, and they'll find anything to ease the pain, but they refuse to listen to your reasoning

    3) There are two kinds of acceptance. Accepting you despite being gay, and accepting the idea of gay. It is obvious they are in the first category. Everyone hopes that people will accept the idea of homosexuality, and some people do, but others only accept certain people who are gay. Even after knowing people who are gay, this doesn't change everyones way of thinking.

    Now here comes the predictable part Talk to them! Let them know you love them and want a healthy relationship. Let them know that you heard them and how hurtful it was. Tell them that you have only dated three guys. Tell them that not everyone is a friend with benefits or boyfriend. And most imprtantly, tell them that you are living for yourself and no one else, including them.

    I hope you find a good solution to your problem.
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    Oct 11, 2012 1:54 AM GMT
    Ugh. So sorry about your situation. It sucks when the communication with your folks doesn't work. It sucks to live at home, work a job and feel like life is drained from you.

    It probably sucks for your mom to hear, that her son is very unhappy living at home. She is probably aghast that you quit your job and will move away. You probably don't have a new job lined up, which will also worry her.

    Talk to your folks about what you hope this move will accomplish. What your intentions in Albuquerque are. Etc. Focus on the stuff you want to achieve, not on the ills that drive you away.
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    Oct 11, 2012 2:46 AM GMT
    You're doing the right thing, go be happy elsewhere and come back only on holidays. Go live your life.
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    Oct 11, 2012 4:38 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear of your depressing situation/outlook. Not to be facetious, but your story of your mother reminds me of the young man Garrison Keillor plays on the episodes on his show of the writer-away-from-home and the depressed possessive attempted-domineering mother (they have phone calls).

    My guess is that your parents do not "hate" you, but just wish you were not gay, and are conflicted about your moving out. If they really "hated" you, you wouldn't still be living there. There are lots of stories of young guys getting kicked out of the house and family when they find out the son is gay. That is not you. (Most parents are conflicted about adult children finally moving out.) Like bhp said, she is probably worried about you (and is not going to say so.) When you say she thinks you are fucking every guy you know, it is likely (a lot of parents think this way), that deep down she fears you will get AIDS from these (imagined) sexual contacts - and after all, most mothers are going to be aware of the perceived wisdom that a young man could get AIDS from fucking another guy, but not from a woman (true or not).

    But having an idea of what is going on in her head won't make it any easier for you. I would favor meninilove's suggestion of talking to them (or trying to.)

    Good luck on your move and your new life (Albuquerque, while not paradise, should be a lot less depressing in the winter than Buffalo.) Probably your parents will come to accept you more over time, after there is some period of separation.
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    Oct 11, 2012 5:13 AM GMT
    Couple of points here - in my opinion. First coming out to parents is typical a very very complicated process. No one person can tell you how to handle your own parents - theyre all different. They have all the 5 stages to go through, and so do you. Additionally, each parent handles it different and you have two to deal with. You obviously need to sit down and have a full on conversation about who you are and what this means to you. And youre also going to have to sit there and listen to them as well. Its their perspective and its a valid point of view. The three of you are going to have to be VERY (brutally) honestly about your emotions, thoughts, and feelings. If any of you hold anything back, its just going to fester. So good luck on that. The rest of my opinion is probably going to be hard to hear...but here it goes. You're 26. Sounds like you have a job - well you quit one, and I assume have another lined up. It's about time you 'become a man' and move out. As long as you live under your parents roof you are going to be treated and sometimes act as their 'child'. I know you're doing this now, and thats a good thing. But what also goes along with that is paying your own bills. So, its time to stop living off of your parents and stand on your own two feet. If you can't afford $110, then time to get rid of the iphone. I only say this because your parents subconsciously still have control. I know things changed between my father and I once he saw that I could take care of myself - call it a male right of passage so to speak. I know it seems stupid, but there are a lot of things that children could 'benefit' from their parents - financially or whatever - but its still a form of dependency. I dont know you, so Im not going to pretend to have the answers - so there's my opinion.