Cant help to think about my ex we dated for abt 5 yrs

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  Oct 11, 2012 4:56 AM GMT

  Towards the end things got bad we both cheated on each other but I did it 1st. He was very abusive put me in the hospital a few times. He became unemplyd and that caused a huge problem because I was already working 2 jobs and taking care of my financial obligations. I did take care of him for a month. He didnt want to find a job its like he just stopped carrying.. He started doing drugs so I left him.. For 2 years we did the on and off thing. My fault for always going back to him when he crying for me or didnt have food for him or his dogs..
  
  About 6 months ago he needed a ride somewhere I took him. He said he wanted to get his life back together told me all of the things I wanted to hear.. We havent talked since.. He is on all the gay hook up sites looking for PNP..It breaks my heart.. What did I do to deserve to be treated like this.. After everything I did to help him when he had nothing.. He is still unemplyd and I know I am better off without him.. Just makes me feel so unwanted.. Like he is happier being a tweeker then making memories with someone he once shared a life with.. No answers about some of the things that took place while we were together and living apart. He ignores my calls so I stopped calling. He ignores my emails so I stopped writing..
  
  I dont think I could ever shut someone that I shared 5 years with out of my life like that.
  
  Makes me question myself..
  
  I struggle to understand the situation.. Was what we experienced real for him or all just a joke? Do I not deserve someone who will work just as hard as I do? Is it fair to give all that I have to someone who dsnt want anything more out of his own life?
  
  Thanks for taking the time to read this. I dont have anyone I can talk to about this.

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• haiqtpi
  
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  Oct 11, 2012 5:50 AM GMT

  quality_az_guy saidWhat did I do to deserve to be treated like this..

  
  
  In effect, you let your emotion cloud your better judgment. You are human, we are all human, and it is SO easy to identify with another's plight that we tend to overlook serious shortcomings in personality and decision making. You are failing to care about yourself, and your needs, desires, and overall what you deserve. I am sure that when things are good with this guy, they are really good.
  
  Problem is that it sounds like when things are indifferent or bad, things are really not good. Lack of motivation can be explained by depression which can be a cause of drug use and reckless behavior. This however, is NOT an excuse, nor is it a reason to turn the other way while it goes on.
  
  We all fear being alone, the whole "what if I cannot find someone else," we ALL have droves of single gay friends who seem hopelessly single and on a path of being alone for the rest of their lives-that makes it all too real.
  
  Reality check: you are a very attractive, still young guy. Mentally, aside from the bad decision to keep dealing with this tool, you seem to be pretty solid and compassionate, and in touch with your emotion. All of this makes you a prime candidate to be someones partner and offer them something great. You need to embrace this.
  
  This guy put his hands on you, listen, we all lose our cool and say or do things that we are ashamed of, sometimes drinking, sometimes in a fit of rage. While I would NEVER condone hurting someone, least of all a loved one, had it been once, under extreme circumstances, Id leave it in your hands to decide what to do. You have said that he put you in the hospital multiple times. Oh yeah, hes unemployed and doing drugs as well...do you really think that lowly of yourself that you see this as your equal? Forget what he WAS, or COULD be. You are not going to be young forever, and will sure as hell regret for the rest of your life if you wasted any more time with this guy and let opportunities slip through your hands, or allowed him to prevent you from enjoying your life to the fullest.
  
  I realize that it is hard to let go of someone. But it is not so much letting go of him, as embracing yourself and your needs. Frankly, what about when you need something or someone? Does not sound like hes there for you...so then who is? See my point? Hard as it may be, you have to let go. You have to sever ties to kill the feelings and grow stronger so that you do not run back in weakness.
  
  We are all here for you.

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  Oct 11, 2012 6:20 AM GMT

  Look, if he's on meth, it's much more powerful than you or any other friend or lover could ever be. Unless he get's off it for good (and ONLY he can do that - you can't help him), he will never be worth being with. You already know the answer - you have to shut him out of your life for good. Keep the good memories and move on.
  
  Please be available for someone new in your life. Since you remained in an abusive relationship, you might want to consider some therapy yourself. Is it possible that you facilitated his abusiveness by "taking it"? Just think about it.

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  Oct 11, 2012 4:47 PM GMT

  When I lived in Poenix, I had a similar story. It was slightly different but still very similar. . . go figure.
  
  Time takes time. After a lot of time, I sound rather glib-- trust me I'm not.
  (haiqtpi said a lot of good things.)
  
  Why does this happen to me?
  
  -That's about as self-centered as we get. Think of it this way, if it can be named, it has already happened to someone else.
  
  Your ex would have done the same thing to someone else and probably someone after that. So you're not that special.
  
  Abuse
  
  -I've been abused. I've been the abuser. I'm not proud of that person I was, and today I am not that person. The difference is that I now own it . I take responsibility for my shortcomings not the other person's.
  
  I don't care how defective I was in the past nor how I will be tomorrow. The only thing I care about is how am I going to live today.
  
  
  ...and I still think about my ex but in a different light today-- nothing lost and everything gained. I don't volunteer myself as the vicitm any longer. Sure it was painful, but behind every moment of pain there's growth.
  
  Just make sure you allow yourself to first feel the pain.
  (Emotions are like kleenex. Everytime you pull one out another comes along.)

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  Oct 11, 2012 5:58 PM GMT

  Your being very you focused...
  
  He's the one that's unemployed, he's the one that's taking the drugs, he's the one whos doing all that shit.
  
  He doesn't want to make those memories with you so I'm sorry you haven't done anything to deserve it, it's just what you got.
  
  It's time to let him go and move on and meet other people.

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• AMoonHawk
  
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  Oct 11, 2012 6:14 PM GMT

  sorry to hear you had such a bad experience, and unfortunately, you are just a notch on the bed post for him (now). He has chosen a life style of self destruction. No, it is not your fault, but stay out of the way or he will take you down with him. He has to want to change himself and he has to do that by himself, you cannot help him or you will just enable him to return to what he was doing. You will find someone great that you deserve, but first, you are going to have sever this mental tie you have made in your mind with him. You are not one. You are you and he is he, so now move on and let the past be. Your future is now ahead, but not with him inside your head and in your heart he will now be dead. Move on to a better life.

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  Oct 11, 2012 6:25 PM GMT

  Sorry to hear about your troubles. I think this was all real to him, he was just too self-centered to care about you. You do deserve someone better. Obviously you made some mistakes, but you have learned and grown from this experience. You should never give your all to someone if they won't give their all back to you. Just give yourself time to move on, and know next time will be different, if for the sole reason that you will know how to deal with someone like this.

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• Import
  
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  Oct 11, 2012 6:29 PM GMT

  boy, does your ex boyfriend sound like a catch!
  
  jk.
  Run, dude. Run away from him as fast as you can. He's a fucking unemployed drug addict.... seriously? U aint missin much baby.
  
  Go find a new man.

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  Oct 11, 2012 6:36 PM GMT

  Sounds like the average everyday loser.
  
  Even thinking about wanting him back shows desperation.
  
  I know Phoenix totally sucks sweaty donkey balls for finding guys, but surely there's some skanky hot straight/closeted/married guy you can fuck around with on the DL. That would be better than what you had for 5 years.

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  Oct 11, 2012 7:45 PM GMT

  quality_az_guy said... He was very abusive put me in the hospital a few times. ...My fault for always going back to him when he crying... What did I do to deserve to be treated like this.. After everything I did to help him.... Just makes me feel so unwanted....I dont think I could ever shut someone that I shared 5 years with out of my life like that.
  
  Makes me question myself..
  
  I struggle to understand the situation.. Was what we experienced real for him or all just a joke? Do I not deserve someone who will work just as hard as I do? Is it fair to give all that I have to someone who doesnt want anything more out of his own life?

  
  
  A parent raises a child, giving it all the tools for a successful life--love, education, socialization--yet the child grows up and murders another person. Can the parent stop loving their murderous child? Was all their efforts wasted?
  
  A child is raised with a brother who is always in his life but later in life when he comes out of the closet the brother denounces and denies him. Can the gay man stop loving his brother?
  
  You befriend someone in need when you are on top of the world and become great friends. You help that needy person throughout your lives together but then comes a time when your life falls apart. But now not only is your needy friend no longer having his needs met, but views your own needs as a betrayal of that relationship, of the relationship of you helping him. How does that play out?
  
  Relationships are dynamic and life has a lot of pitfalls. One thing is certain: for you to be happy, you must remain true to yourself. If being true to yourself is being helpful to others, then denying yourself that, just because you got burned, will not make you happy.
  
  Your friend's betrayal does not invalidate your life.
  
  

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• haiqtpi
  
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  Oct 11, 2012 8:43 PM GMT

  theantijock said

  quality_az_guy said... He was very abusive put me in the hospital a few times. ...My fault for always going back to him when he crying... What did I do to deserve to be treated like this.. After everything I did to help him.... Just makes me feel so unwanted....I dont think I could ever shut someone that I shared 5 years with out of my life like that.
  
  Makes me question myself..
  
  I struggle to understand the situation.. Was what we experienced real for him or all just a joke? Do I not deserve someone who will work just as hard as I do? Is it fair to give all that I have to someone who doesnt want anything more out of his own life?

  
  
  You befriend someone in need when you are on top of the world and become great friends. You help that needy person throughout your lives together but then comes a time when your life falls apart. But now not only is your needy friend no longer having his needs met, but views your own needs as a betrayal of that relationship, of the relationship of you helping him. How does that play out?
  
  Relationships are dynamic and life has a lot of pitfalls. One thing is certain: for you to be happy, you must remain true to yourself. If being true to yourself is being helpful to others, then denying yourself that, just because you got burned, will not make you happy.
  
  Your friend's betrayal does not invalidate your life.
  
  

  
  
  
  
  Yeah I definitely agree with you on points. Something to also remember is that your bf is clearly not in the right mindset, therefore can we really judge his actions? We can say that they were wrong sure, but how much further can we go? Do not take it to heart because it sounds like a lot of things have gotten to him and just fucked up his head.
  
  But also, as theantijock said, there will become a point, if you devote yourself to always being the helper and not the helpee, that things will fall apart. I know how it feels when helping others and making them happy, makes you happy. But what I can say is that when you also start to take into account your happiness and what you deserve, you can become even happier. At some point this person needs to help them self, because if they drag you down with them, who will help you and give you what they are giving them?

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  Oct 11, 2012 8:57 PM GMT

  There isn't anything complimentary that I can say to you. I stopped reading after he was abusive to me and put me in the hospital several times

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  Oct 11, 2012 9:14 PM GMT

  haiqtpi saidYeah I definitely agree with you on points. Something to also remember is that your bf is clearly not in the right mindset, therefore can we really judge his actions? We can say that they were wrong sure, but how much further can we go? Do not take it to heart because it sounds like a lot of things have gotten to him and just fucked up his head.
  
  But also, as theantijock said, there will become a point, if you devote yourself to always being the helper and not the helpee, that things will fall apart. I know how it feels when helping others and making them happy, makes you happy. But what I can say is that when you also start to take into account your happiness and what you deserve, you can become even happier. At some point this person needs to help them self, because if they drag you down with them, who will help you and give you what they are giving them?

  
  
  Besides that things don't always fall apart and I would never say they do, good point on considering the other person's mindset as there is a difference if someone goes off course as opposed to someone changing speed on course. I'd react differently with someone who, say, was never a douche but then suddenly became one and I'd look for its cause, as opposed to, say, someone who was always a bit of a douche, but tolerably so, but then poured on the doucheness, in which case I just might wanna walk away from that pattern and not look back.
  
  But with regard to helping others and being happy, you need to account for those whose happiness depends upon helping others. Because unless you're doing something specifically targeted towards hurting me, your hurting yourself doesn't drag me down.
  
  Not to thrive on the suffering of others, but suffering does provide opportunity to practice compassion. So in that sense, someone else's suffering does not drag another person down, rather it gives that person both the opportunity to help another human being and to feel good about themselves for doing so.
  
  It's nice to have someone at home to rub your feet at the end of the day, but sometimes what seems might only deplete us can actually energize us instead.
  
  "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."~~The Dalai Lama

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  Oct 11, 2012 9:25 PM GMT

  I dated someone for about 5 years also man. Its tough because the person becomes basically like your shadow and is always with you and 5 years is obviously a long time in gay world. You just need to put it behind you. You need to accept what happened and mourn the end of the relationship. It's pointless to try to repair and it's pointless to even think about it. It won't bring you anything because it's in the past. You're very good looking and you deserve more... you shouldn't even be introducing the "what if's" into your head.

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• winwin
  
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  Oct 11, 2012 11:56 PM GMT

  I was also in an abusive relationship just very recently so just give it some time, gather up yourself and just move on with your life. Believe me, it will get better with time.

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