Regret having friend move with me..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 4:12 PM GMT
    So I moved to a new city by myself a few months ago, to start a new life and be happy. I first wanted an old high school friend move with me so it wouldnt be so hard being in a city alone, though he didnt want to. Despite being alone, I had a blast this summer, meeting new people doing new things.

    Just a month ago, my friend decided it was time to get out of our miserable hometown and to try living where I am now. So I went back to my hometown to visit, and help him move back with me(longass car ride). So we made it back safely though I regret ever encouraging him to move here.

    He is not friendly at all. Pretty rude to people, and even myself. I guess he's still in a miserable state? I've had talks with him repeatingly before he came out here to stop being rude and carry on small talk with people, be friendly or else hes not gna enjoy a refreshed life. Well, despite the awkward conversations of pointing out his flaws, he has yet to change. Whenever he is negative or rude, I am sure to let him know he is and that he needs to change that shit. Very frustrating.

    We stayed at his relatives house on the way back, and I was the one who had to small talk with them! He just sorta sat there, not being friendly. He didnt even talk to my mom the night we left while standing in the same room. This makes me very hesitant of going out and introducing him to my new friends. Heck, when we even go out he doesnt converse with me and he is glued to his phone.icon_rolleyes.gif I'm still new to the area, and don't want people to push me away because of him. Another obstacle is that he was born with a birth defect, where people tend to stare. I am nervous that when we go to a gay club that guys may be superficial and talk ish. And with that, my friend is already unfriendly and a soft spoken individual. Ughhh

    I understand it may be hard to change to a friendly person, but this is ridiculous. It's only been a few days, but its been on my mind for a while of how to deal with this situation. Makes me not want to go hang with friends who've missed me or go out. I don't need him bringing me down, I just want him to change for the better. I just don't see him putting in the effort.
    Sorry for this rant, I just don't know what else to do. Anyone else find themselves in a similar situation?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 4:26 PM GMT
    rEVOLution12 saidAnyone else find themselves in a similar situation?

    Not where someone followed me to a new location, no. But I've been in the position where older friends have changed for the worse over time, to the point where they were an embarrassment to have with me in social settings, and to introduce to new friends.

    Which is what you seem to be describing, aside from the relocation aspect. What I did was simply distance myself from them. And unless you made some promises to this guy to help him in the new town, I think you can do the same.

    He acts like he doesn't want your help, anyway. So until he asks you for it I wouldn't offer it. Sad to lose friends, but we all do over time, and from your description it sounds like he's the one causing this estrangement, not you. You've made a friendly attempt to help him, which he's rejecting. Not much more you can do, except fall into an enabling co-dependency with him.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 11, 2012 4:33 PM GMT
    A. We are all born with a certain personality and pretty much nothing can change that except some sort of life altering experience (something like near death experience, losing a loved one, losing an arm or leg, etc.), so his personality is not likely to change.

    B. Ask him if he is homesick, hopefully he will say yes and you can encourage him to move back home. He may be regretting moving in with you, but now feels obligated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 4:55 PM GMT
    I have feared this move might kill our friendship, but distancing myself from him is what I may hafta do. True I didn't make any promises except for a better place to live. I've told him that asides my advice, it's on him to change. Though I do feel somewhat obligated to help him along, being he told me he expects to meet people through me and so on. For instance last night after a full day of errands, he seemed disappointed that I was going to rest for the night. Saying something like "before you made it seem like there was always something fun to do" making it seem like there isnt anything to do. Umm that was during the summer time and its a Wednesday night. Weird thing is the night before I walked him around and wanted to go to this bar with a live band but he was standoffish and didnt want to. Then today when I suggest to do something, he scoffs and is critical. Annoying.

    I agree aMoonHawk, it's hard to change a person's personality but this should be in a way a life changing event. For me it was. I also understand that he gets his bitterness from his looks, along with the way he was raised. I asked him yesterday if he was homesick after he seemed disappointed there wasn't a circus going on last night but he said he wasnt. I've been thinking of encouraging him to go back but it hasn't been all that long and he said goodbye to everyone for a "better life". If he doesn't improve in a few weeks, I will ask him if he wants to go back.

    I am so dreading of introducing him to people and going out ughh
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 5:01 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidA. We are all born with a certain personality and pretty much nothing can change that except some sort of life altering experience (something like near death experience, losing a loved one, losing an arm or leg, etc.), so his personality is not likely to change.

    Actually it is possible to change. But the desire to change must come from within and it starts with self awareness of what needs to change. It is a lot harder to change personality than physique. But it is possible.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 11, 2012 5:05 PM GMT
    Your 'friend' sounds like he is manipulative. He will drain and suck all the energy out of you like a parasite ... lookup psychic vampire. Dump him while you can, by making it even more boring for him to live with you. You are not his babysitter to provide his entertainment for him ... there is the city in front of him, it is up to him to go out and explore, it is not your duty to take him out exploring ... tell him if you have the time you don't mind going out with him, otherwise he is going to have to go out and explore on his own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 5:06 PM GMT
    rEVOLution12 said being he told me he expects to meet people through me and so on. For instance last night after a full day of errands, he seemed disappointed that I was going to rest for the night. Saying something like "before you made it seem like there was always something fun to do" making it seem like there isnt anything to do.

    Sounds like he is taking your word too literally. Try being a little more descriptive and explain things a bit more and set expectations accordingly.

    You could remind him of his desire to "meet people through me and so on" and if he agrees then point out what are your expectations in that case, e.g. making a genuine attempt to be friendly and smile and chat a bit and not ignore people with his face in his phone..etc.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 11, 2012 5:13 PM GMT
    He may secretly be desiring to be your bf. So he will attempt to destroy your relationship with others so that you only have him as a friend .... be careful my friend ... this is not a good relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 5:19 PM GMT
    Exactly, he has a whole city in front of him which is new to him. That's what I told him last night, go out and explore! Since he wanted to go to the gay bar, I told him GO! they have bingo tonight. Then he got critical of bingo, and I sorta lost it saying YES FUCKING BINGO, BINGOOO. Guess I am loosing my patience. He then says nobody goes to the gay bar alone...um how many times have you been to a gay bar to judge that. Not many. Next time he expects me to be his travel guide, I will tell him how I made it alone over the summer. Like I expect to be somewhat of a guidance but damn.

    "You could remind him of his desire to "meet people through me and so on" and if he agrees then point out what are your expectations in that case, e.g. making a genuine attempt to be friendly and smile and chat a bit and not ignore people with his face in his phone..etc."

    I have spoken to him about this, not just for meeting my friends but everyone he comes in contact with. He says hes only rude to people he doesn't care about aka not gay..smh. I'm gna have another awkward conversation about this today, even though its like the fifth time. I just dont have confidence in him where he will hold a conversation with someone. Shall see.

    The main reason I'm struggling with this is that he is staying with me in my studio, and he doesnt plan on finding a place til he finds work. Oyy
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Oct 11, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    Maybe he's self conscious about his birth defect? He might be so used to pushing people away for fear of being hurt that he doesn't know how to change. You may be used to it, but that doesn't mean he's able to handle other people's reactions. It has to be something deeper than being manipulative and needing a personality change. Find out what the true driver is.
  • FRIVER

    Posts: 71

    Oct 11, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar said
    AMoonHawk saidA. We are all born with a certain personality and pretty much nothing can change that except some sort of life altering experience (something like near death experience, losing a loved one, losing an arm or leg, etc.), so his personality is not likely to change.

    Actually it is possible to change. But the desire to change must come from within and it starts with self awareness of what needs to change. It is a lot harder to change personality than physique. But it is possible.


    As Tellmenoar said, is is possible to change, but the desire to change must come from within.. that is soo true...

    Nobody really knows what's is really going on your friend mind, but for what I read I think he is suffering from depression, first you have to consider the fact he is out of his comfort zone (meaning not at home living in completely different environment ) secondly he has a birth defect, which in my opinion that could be the root of the problem and his biggest challenge.

    The best thing for you to do in this case, instead you getting angry and frustrated of his negative behaviour, you should stop for a second, put your analytical mind on the side (we all have one) and wear his shoes for a few minutes and ask yourself this questions:

    1. How would I feel if I was born with a birth defect
    2. How would I feel if people constantly looking at me no because they like me, but because I was born different then anyone else
    3 How would I feel if I heard people whispering behind my back because of my appearance? (Specially in small towns)
    4. How would I feel if while in school everyone is making fun even when I am sad or feeling lonely or even my own parents calling me names

    And the list of questions can go on and on

    My advice to you at this point is being understanding and patient, you might want to try a different approach, do a little research on the web in how to deal with friends or love ones that are born with birth defects, read, educate your self in the subject matter and if you find anything that can help your friend over come that anger, "advice him to read it " note that I put quotations marks in the word advice, is because you can advice people, but not impose your will.

    At the end of the day he has to do his part if he really wants to change, changes are possible

    Good luck man,



  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Oct 11, 2012 7:15 PM GMT
    I suggest asking him if he is happy or satisfied with his life. If he isn't, try to explain to him that his quality of life depends to a large degree on his own attitudes towards life and how he relates to other people. If he wants to live a higher quality and more satisfying life, it is his responsibility to make changes in his attitudes and how he relates to other people. That can be a very difficult thing to do and it could take considerable work on his part, but if he puts the effort into it, he will be much more satisfied with his life.

    It could possibly help to give him concrete assignments rather than simply suggesting that he get out and explore. If he says that he is unhappy, you could ask him what he intends to do about it and if he doesn't want to do anything about it, tell him that you don't want to hear about his unhappiness unless he is willing to do something about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 7:40 PM GMT
    I think what you have done for your friend is great! Having someone move into your studio and introducing them to your friends is a very col thing to have done. His behavior could be due to a variety of factors 1: moving to a new city away from most family and friends would be the most obvious. With this he could be going through depression which generally happens after a major life altering event (death of a loved one, getting a new job, a break up, etc.). 2: He could be jealous of you and the life you are living in comparison to his. Since you've already been in the city for a bit, you have an idea of how it operates. He doesn't. This coupled with the fact that he doesn't have a job, while you do, and he is living in your studio could be making him build up resentment and taking it out on you.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 11, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    rEVOLution12Then he got critical of bingo, and I sorta lost it saying YES FUCKING BINGO, BINGOOO.


    icon_lol.gif

    You're funny. I hope you don't let that tool drag you down too much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    Hmmm...Now that I think of it...What was your friend like before he moved to the city? Was he always stand offish? Also, how close was he to his family? Finally, how close were/are you two? Best buddies, but just more like good friends? He could be having issues with you expanding your circle of friends, and thus feel left out. A friend was this way with me, even though I would actively introduce him to my other friends. He would be standoffish and incredibly rude to everyone to the point that he made himself look like a complete dick. I talked to him frequently about it, and how much I still wanted him as my best bud to no avail. He had alot of other things going on in his life as well which I was completely oblivious to, which I found out after the fact. In the end we went our separate ways. Maybe trying to ask him, without demanding, if there was anything going on in his life that he may be struggling with and letting him talk your ear off about it can help. Also, telling him that you truly care for him may make him open up a bit more as well. If none of these things work then it may be best to move on...icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 8:09 PM GMT
    Could it be that he is just introverted and you are just interpreting his quietness as rudeness? If it's just that he has an introverted personality then he can't suddenly be changed or taught to be more talkative and outgoing (nor should he be) it's just who he is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    What are you waiting for ? If he's all these things you say he is, what are you waiting for ? You're just postponing the inevitable..

    Okay, he may have a birth defect but it evidently doesn't prevent him from being "rude" & or "negative" towards the person who helped him move to a "better" place.

    If he's bothering you, tell him he needs to go home.

    You do realize negativity does and can spread, right ? So, now that you see it's something that is having an effect on you emotionally you may just have to cut the ties.

    Of course you love your friend, but I would hope you love yourself more.

    Sometimes we like to keep people around for a year when they are only meant for a season.

    Also, who cares what other people think and or say if he's a supportive friend in your life. Fact is, he's negative around you as he is everyone else.

    Maybe his past location wasn't the issue but his pessimism that's following him and could possibly spread to you.

    You shouldn't regret it, because at the time it was something you thought you wanted. Now, you realize having your eyes open to the truth of what needs to happen. So, make it happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    Introduce him as having just moved there and still being down and may still speak a bit off. The others will be prepared. You won't be blamed. And he may eventually get the message. Others may even start talking to him about his feelings and he will talk them out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 12, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    I appreciate the feedback guys. I love this forum, such a great community here at realjock!

    I get that he is miserable in relation to his birth defect, but as some said that shouldn't be an excuse to act the way he does. He indeed is introverted, but so am myself and I made the initiative to be outgoing and kind. And no I don't say he's rude because of being introverted, but because he indeed is rude! Lol.. His depression didn't conclude from moving to a new place, he was in this state for a while which is why he moved in order to be "happy". We were good friends in high school, but we grew apart over the past few years so I did take a gamble thinking he would go back to his old self.

    Setting assignments/goals for him sounds like a good idea, its just will he follow through with it? My friend suggested to encourage him to join a group/club/activity where he can meet people in a more healthier environment verse meeting people at a bar.

    Yesterday, I repeated myself telling him how he needs to change and talk to people. He acted like he would but guess what...no. We met a friend of mine,Dan, and walked around town and got a coffee where we hung out for quite a while. My troubled friend walked behind us the whole time, and didnt talk at all. Not even at the coffee shop. My friend Dan told me how sketched out he was being he hasn't said more than a few words the whole time, asides from Dan asking how awesome this city is and how he's like it, with my trouble friend answering with a negative outlook saying something about not knowing anyone and not having a job. Ughh. Then latter in the night, we went to a nightclub and my troubled friend was again awkward. My friend Dan told me how bad he could sense his negative energy and admitted he is going to avoid him as much as possible. Awesome. He even declined going on a day trip today because of my troubled friend. Then when I get home this morning, my troubled friend is asking me what to do, implying again that I am his tourist guide. Not looking forward to the weekend...I'm either going to hafta to leave him alone when I go out where he won't be happy or just stay in. Ugh. Deff need to tell him Sunday that he needs to go out and find his own place next week, and I know hes going to resist saying he needs to find a job firsticon_rolleyes.gif I am getting tired of telling him how sour his personality is and how to change it, but today I think I'm going to tell him the consequences of his attitude already, in relation to my friend Dan's reaction. I just hope drama doesn't unfold over thisicon_sad.gif

    Again, thanks for the different outlooks and advice on the situation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 12, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    I think it's impossible for someone to understand what living with a birth defect is like and how it affects your whole personality if you don't have one yourself. I have one and I am debilitatingly self conscious about it. For me I feel like it's really damaged my self worth because you feel like no matter what you do, you can't be normal like everyone else. It really can explain both his introversion and rudeness. When you spend your life noticing people treating you different because of it, how can you not become bitter? Unfortunately for you there is nothing you can do about it. If he's struggling with his appearance like I think he is, the best thing you can do is be a good friend and learn to deal with it. If he feels secure in his friendships then he will also start to feel better about himself and hopefully behave better. But if you push him away, he might blame it on his defect and end up worse off.
  • sloughwest

    Posts: 210

    Oct 12, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    I had a nasty scar on my forehead from the age of 5, and it made me very self conscious, it took me many years to come to terms with it, and even now I sometimes feel that people stare. It made me feel that no one would want to talk to me, and in turn I wouldn't expect people to want to talk to me , so you put up an invisible wall around yourself, occupying yourself with playing with phones and doing individual things which needs no interaction. It took some good friends to pull me out of myself. So do for your friend what he would do for you, tell him how you feel and maybe he'll come around, and you may well end up with a true friend for life.