The Trouble With Moving On.

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    Oct 12, 2012 8:13 AM GMT
    I want to move on and I've pretty much reached the level where I not only accept my failed relationship but also accept who I am and where I am almost a year later. However, I go out and meet new people for dates (I don't have sex outside of a relationship) and I can't find anyone of interest. Most of the guys I do meet don't give a shit about me in any sense other than taking me to bed or couch or car. Which is great because it makes them an easy cut.

    When I think about it more in depth later I become very frustrated in the sense that I catch myself trying to find a similar version of my ex subconsciously and that scares me. The guys that I meet and don't like are polar opposites of what my ex was and the guys that I fall for are like alternate Justin's. I know that I don't need a guy like that in my life... I'm still making payments on the several different hospital bills attributed to his drinking habits and anger issues.

    It's obvious that I'm attracted to a particular trait, but I'm having a really hard time pin pointing the trait. I feel that if I knew what it was I could analyze it, break it down, and metabolize it into something fruitful instead of well.. the dangerous attraction that it is.

    Yet, I can't just force myself into liking someone because I think they are what I need... that isn't fair to the other guy in the long run.

    I've lost the desire to have sex too when before I could have sex everyday, but now it's the last thing on my mind and even when it is I don't want to share myself with anyone.

    Is all of this because I'm still not ready? If so that's fine I'm in no rush I just thought I was further along than I guess I really am.

    Opinions? Insights? I feel like titty baby asking for help on the matter, but it is what it is and I'm frustrated beyond belief. I could use a little insight right now.
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    Oct 12, 2012 9:32 AM GMT
    FranklinK saidalmost a year later. However, I go out and meet new people for dates (I don't have sex outside of a relationship) and I can't find anyone of interest. ... I'm still making payments on the several different hospital bills attributed to his drinking habits and anger issues.

    It's obvious that I'm attracted to a particular trait, but I'm having a really hard time pin pointing the trait. I feel that if I knew what it was I could analyze it, break it down, and metabolize it into something fruitful instead of well.. the dangerous attraction that it is.


    When I hear of someone 23 years old making "several different" medical payments for some drunk ass...it just makes me cringe. I want to pick up a smoldering iron andiron and put it to good use upside their head (figuratively)

    It sounds like the trait you are attracted to is needy, emotionally dependent/neglected types. Which not to make fun of you, but I have been the person to like those types too and it's tempting because they tend to give off a false sense of deep love/caring. You are probably meeting really nice guys that are sober and level-headed, and not liking them unconscionably because you were so used to dealing with a complete DICK

    perhaps you should write down exactly what traits you are looking for and then go about meeting people who have them. Even before you meet them. Have something in your head to pick from. Going on dates wasting time with guys you have no chemistry for is exhausting.
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    Oct 12, 2012 9:36 AM GMT
    FranklinK saidThe guys that I meet and don't like are polar opposites of what my ex was and the guys that I fall for are like alternate Justin's.


    FranklinK saidhis drinking habits and anger issues.


    Well you should be happy that they are polar opposites. If you don't get it together and figure it out, you'll be dating angry alcoholics all your life..And unless you can be the 1st one to grab the bottle and crack them upside the head, I'd avoid them.
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    Oct 12, 2012 11:54 AM GMT
    FranklinK said Ithe guys that I fall for are like alternate Justin's. I know that I don't need a guy like that in my life... I'm still making payments on the several different hospital bills attributed to his drinking habits and anger issues. It's obvious that I'm attracted to a particular trait, but I'm having a really hard time pin pointing the trait. I feel that if I knew what it was I could analyze it, .

    Bingo, you've pinpointed the trait.
    The next time you see this trait in somebody, run like hell.
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    Oct 12, 2012 12:00 PM GMT
    There are situations where moving on is actually an issue, imho*.
  • DanOmatic

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    Oct 12, 2012 1:16 PM GMT
    I think all of these responses are really good ones, FranklinK. The main thing is that you've identified something that a lot of guys fail to see (over and over again): that the type of person you have tended to be attracted to is exactly the kind of person who is not good for you. Some guys never learn this.

    You may want to set up a few sessions with a therapist that deals with gay relationships to talk about what underlying emotions are behind why you look for the traits that you do in other guys. Sometimes it's a subconscious "working through" of things that happened to you when you were a kid, or a family dynamic that made instability, anger or addiction feel "normal".

    Anyway, hats off to you for realizing that it's something you need to address before you can really more on.

    BTW: JR_RJ is right about these being the hardest relationships to move on from, since they "bind" so tightly to one's emotional hardwiring. That's why it's important to try to change the patterns that are holding you back.
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    Oct 12, 2012 1:30 PM GMT
    I feel for you. I have been in the same situation for the little more than a year myself. I don't know if this was your first relationship but in my case i think the lingering feelings have had a lot to do with it. All i can say is with time I've come to accept the relationship for what it was. Learnt and bettered myself and have truly come to the point where I could let him go. It just takes time. Hang in there! You are a great looking guy you'll find someone awesome icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 12, 2012 1:59 PM GMT
    It may be that you're still very much in love wth your ex. It may also be that your ex set the bar too high. Either way, give your self time to heal completely. Everything will fall into place when you're ready.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Oct 12, 2012 2:11 PM GMT
    Yes it sounds it's too early to date another guy at this point. However it's not too early to make friends with gay guys with a lot of positive traits. Just make sure everyone involved knows it's friends only.

    One of the appeals to having a broken boyfriend is that it pumps up your own self worth. You think that you're somehow going to be able to fix him, and that makes you feel good about yourself. Sometimes you can say the right thing to him and make him feel better for an hour or a day. Eventually it ends in drama because you can't fix another person. Your ex has to fix himself. Being with a broken person can be exciting because you never quite know what you're going to get and every once in a while you get to play superman. Then one day it gets to be too much and you move on from the guy.

    Once you really do move on, this period of reflection that you're in right now can be very fruitful for identifying the patterns in your own life and in your relationships. And it's a time to be close to your friends so you can experience normalcy and fun at the same time. You have the opportunity right now to learn a lot about yourself and identify patterns you'd like to break and new habits you'd like to cultivate. It's actually a really good place to be.
  • DanOmatic

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    Oct 12, 2012 2:15 PM GMT
    ^^^ This is an excellent perspective and sound advice. I think many of us have been there and can relate.
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    Oct 12, 2012 2:36 PM GMT


    From what I gather, the trait may well be the desire to be needed and feel needed. and to feel appreciated for needing the person in return. There's nothing wrong with this. I'm that way, so is Bill.

    There isn't a human being on this planet without needs. icon_wink.gif

    The kicker is needed in what way, and how.

    You were in a relationship where you were needed and you responded. Your needs however, weren't met. So without reciprocation, things get pretty awful.

    Just stay the course and keep meeting new people and getting to know them.


    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Oct 12, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
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    Oct 12, 2012 9:44 PM GMT
    Thank you all for your responses.

    It means a lot to me. I got into a pretty low spot in December and made a mistake that landed me in the hospital for a week where I was prescribed one on one therapy. It was a real eye opener for me.

    However, I don't have health insurance so after my stay I had to quit therapy. I'd like to think that I learned a lot though in the short time that I had it. Issues like this are nearly impossible to break down and scrutinize on your own.

    Is there a 'How To Fix A Broken Picker For Dummies'?

    In all seriousness though that was something that was talked about in my therapy sessions. I was raised in an abusive household where verbal, emotional, and physical abuse was a daily obstacle. So she said that I grew up thinking that is what love is and that ultimately that was what I deserved.

    I would like to stand up and say this is not true and that I am smarter than that. Even now when I type it I become aggravated that I wasn't able to see around that growing up.

    Well it seems that since I have realized that I am attracting the wrong guys I can work on myself and what qualities I display.

    I really hope I don't give off the 'I need to be fixed' vibe. That attracts guys that know you are vulnerable and malleable to their needs.

    So all in all I guess I need to worry about getting my own shit figured out before I can even begin to try dating again. Well I was hoping that I wouldn't have to wait till after 30 to find someone meaningful to share my life with, but like I said: I'm in no rush.

    I learned that rushing relationships is probably the worst thing someone can do. That you shouldn't go out seeking a relationship. You should go out and try to do better for yourself and do the things that make you happy and in doing so the person that you are most compatible with will somehow become meshed into your life.

    Which makes sense in total honesty. So I may meet my soul mate in group therapy which I'm cool with.







  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Oct 12, 2012 10:33 PM GMT


    Please read this book:

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    - David icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 12, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    Think earlier posts have pinned it - a need to be needed.
    Have a look at how you view yourself, could be a sign of low self esteem.

    Look at alternative ways of meeting that need....one option may be volunteer work.
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    Oct 16, 2012 11:29 PM GMT
    Thanks guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2012 11:52 PM GMT
    Franklin,

    If I could give you a hug, I would.