settling??

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    I have been dating a Vietnamese guy since July. He is sweet, kind, hard working, and thoughtful. Being a 5 yr newbie ( to the gay world ) I have dated a cast of clowns, liars, douche bags, cheaters and users. Some of the aforementioned were fine for what they were, but I am truly seeking an LTR.

    My current man, like many, does bring some issues. First, he is not out to his family ( but I am certain they know) Second, he probably can never leave them ( for a handful of legitimate and sad reasons) We also struggle at times to communicate. On the flip side, he does embody SO MANY of the positive qualities I wish for in my guy. As stated, he is kind, thoughtful, loving, affectionate, hard working, and has family values.

    As stated, he can't leave his family. Soooo, my problem is do I stay with him or keep looking. YES, I prefer to have my man move in SOME day. He can't. Yet, I do love him for what he is. He is the best overall guy I have met.

    Maybe I am answering my own question. Maybe I should stay with him, see how our relationship progresses, and THEN decide. Maybe I am in too much of a hurry to land HIM and not enjoying and appreciating what I have right now.

    thoughts.... ?? icon_confused.gif
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Oct 13, 2012 5:38 PM GMT
    If you think he is the "one" then he is worth waiting for. I'm also Asian so I'm very familiar with the Asian culture especially when it comes to being secretly gay. I was with my partner for 13 years and they have met him and my other exes. My family and I never ever actually sat down and talked about me being gay and partnered with a Caucasian man but they know that I'm gay, we just never acknowleded the fact that I'm gay.

    You have known him since July so I would say take it slow and get to know him better, spend some more time with him, I wish I had done this myself with my last relationship and I learned it the hard way. You would be surprised to know how people change colors once you get to know them over time. Good luck and keep us updated!
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    Oct 13, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    Thank you "winwin". I plan to just keep moving forward and seeing where it goes. Sometimes just typing my feelings out leads to the ultimate and best answer icon_wink.gif

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    Oct 13, 2012 8:36 PM GMT
    I was in the same boat as your bf. It does take time to come out. Eventually it will happen. Without being overbearing, maybe express to him how important it is for you to be able to live your love openly and being able to share it with all your family and friends.

    Its still an ongoing process for me, and I've been with my partner for over 4 years now. And no need to rush things. Its only been a few months. Wait until the honeymoon period ends and see if its real love or just lust!
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Oct 13, 2012 9:56 PM GMT
    One of the best things i've ever done was leave my Asian mother. It was hard but after months of zero communication she started to come around. She met my boyfriend (at the time) and eventually even held me crying when he left me. Had I allowed her to continue her stuborn and ignorant side she never would have blossomed as the mother that i needed her to be. We are still working on it but if i hadn't separated from her I would never begun to learn to be free and honest. It is different for everyone but... honesty is the most valuable platform to build any relationship.

    side note, speaking as a vietnamese guy, you aren't settling ;)
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 13, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    enjoy and appreciate what you have buddy. i think you answered your question when you said you have been with so many others who were not your type. look no one is perfect and you are not going to find a perfect guy. but you will find a almost perfect. if they 85 to 90% of what you need than nothing else should matter. i say stick it out and see where it leads. by the way, you are not settling when someone possess most of the qualities you want
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    Oct 15, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    There were some good replies above and I fully agree.

    My thoughts? Stay with him.

    If there's one thing I have learned is that you don't have to move in together to be happy in a relationship.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    imbrad saidside note, speaking as a vietnamese guy, you aren't settling ;)


    lol ! I couldn't agreeee more !
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    Oct 15, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidenjoy and appreciate what you have buddy. i think you answered your question when you said you have been with so many others who were not your type. look no one is perfect and you are not going to find a perfect guy. but you will find a almost perfect. if they 85 to 90% of what you need than nothing else should matter. i say stick it out and see where it leads. by the way, you are not settling when someone possess most of the qualities you want


    well said, thank you. Our biggest problem is communication. His English is weak at best, but it does make for some good laughs between us. The good thing , I LOVE to hear him laugh!
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    Oct 15, 2012 4:47 PM GMT
    I have a friend that met an incredible Asian guy, some of the same qualities you describe. He is Latino, and very independent and strong of character. Any case, the Asian guy courted him, invited him to dinner, lunches, etc., and invited him also for a weekend get together. My friend was surprise of how closeted he guy is. The guy is 49 years of age never been out to his family and had a previous relationship of 7 years that ended. His parents never new about it, but probably suspect. Additionally, he is very austere with his money, so much, that my friend was asked to pay half of everything in the weekend getaway when he initially was invited and was agreed upon since my friend is finishing graduate school, which was a signal to my friend on what this man wanted in the relationship versus what my friend was seeking. Eventually, my friend confronted him that he could not stay in the closet for anyone…one question he could not answer…’So when your parents come and visit our home, what would you expect me to be?” The response was that he was supposed to move out for a couple of days. As you can see this is a not a relationship.

    My friend basically advised him that he did not want a relationship, but was in LOVE with a relationship very different thing. He noted he would not compromise on being himself and being out as a ‘gay’ man. The Asian guy was in total shock that someone had spoken to him so honestly and communicated to him so strongly, because overall no one had ever told him this. In the end, my friend broke it off; however the Asian guy continues to seek after him which my friend has not intention of renewing.

    Every case is different, and if you feel he is the one then by all means pursue it but be prepared to have an open communication as what is his expectations if you are living together in a LTR; he might have very different dynamics and views of your expectations.
  • haiqtpi

    Posts: 29

    Oct 15, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    You are in fact asking the right questions. This case is interesting to me as I only recently have learned about Asian family structure etc from some co-workers and this unique setup is prob why many Asians date other Asians (since they know what to expect in terms of the family situation, and are more lax with it since they prob have to do it themselves). *Note I am not saying don't date Asians if you are not Asian LOL-just pointing out the unique family dynamic found in many Asian families*

    The only thing that I suggest to you is that you think-think about yourself. Are you ok with the fact that your partner is has to be a different person around his family? Are you ok with the fact that you probably cannot embrace your "in laws" (I guess you can even call them that while dating since its sorta the same thing) to the fullest? And finally, are you ok with the fact that you two probably cannot have your OWN lives together until his parents pass?

    If so, then yeah stay with it, and if not, perhaps start to think about cutting the strings. Just be true to yourself and what you really want. If you end up having an issue with some of these potential things, realize that you are not a bad person if they cause you to consider breaking up. It is great to be understanding of others and compassionate, but not to a flaw, always keep your needs and what you deserve in the back of your mind, and when something seems like it will impose on that for the long term-reevaluate if it is necessary in your life.

    Either way, you seem to be thinking it all out which is great to see, weighing both sides, and I hope that whatever decision you make leads to happiness icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    haiqtpi said
    Either way, you seem to be thinking it all out which is great to see, weighing both sides, and I hope that whatever decision you make leads to happiness icon_smile.gif


    All of which you said was sweet; this final quote was the kindest. Thank you.

    I am going to keep seeing him. His family knows about me. I went with him to a church party in July and was the only non-Asian in attendance. Talk about feeling like the "odd man out" lol Oh, and nobody spoke a lick of English to boot ! His sister glared at me for the first hour, but then began offering some small talk.

    This s a catch -22 whereby he is the ONLY guy I have dated that is genuine and kind yet we seemed destined to remain two separate people. Maybe at this point in my life I am OK with that as long as I have him for friendship and ample cuddle time. MAYBE a move in relationsship would be too difficult as I am somewhat ( OK, very much ) set in my ways. icon_wink.gif The smple fact that this kind, sweet man tells me daily that he loves me and misses me is something I have never experienced. Fortunately, his words seem real and not contrived. icon_smile.gif