Rotten friends: worth keeping around?

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    Oct 14, 2012 6:22 AM GMT
    So to sum it up: I have a rotten friend. Or used to. Basically, she only thinks of herself and what she gets out of something. She doesn't put any more effort into something she doesn't have to and will take advantage of people.

    Now recently, I've been thinking: obviously, it's not worth it to keep a person like this around you all the time. But would any of you ever consider even keeping this person as a "friend". Like someone says this persons name would you say "Oh yeah, I know soandso thats my friend!" Or would you simply break it in two, burn your bridges and say fuck off - you're horrible person?

    I mean, I pretty much burned the bridge but I'm curious to know what other people would do. You see, I'm not the type of guy who has a lot of friends and such and I don't want a friend at all whose going to be like that and is really only my friend because I'm pretty hard pressed for them in the first place. Get what I'm saying? Other people might not be so brash and say "well they maybe a horrible friend but they're just another friend and I don't want to burn that bridge."
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    Oct 14, 2012 6:45 AM GMT
    I'm very very picky on who I call an actual friend. Which means I have a ton of quintessences but very few true friends.

    It' used to be different but I had a few bad experiences and started distancing my self from a lot of these people.

    I don't burn the bridge so much as don't maintain that bridge. Most have quickly crumbled and I've moved on.

    others are in need of repair but I don't put the effort in unless they do as well.

    The ones I consider a friend though, They are completely different. I love them to bits and I'll go to the end of the world to make sure I treat them right. But they know I'm a hard arsed bastard if I need too and they love me for it. I adore them and I know if I need'em they'll be there for me through thick and thin.

    My friends, they lift me up, they don't give me bullshit and at the end of the day I'm a better person having them be part of my life.

    I don't keep people around who drag me down.
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    Oct 14, 2012 6:55 AM GMT
    Yes. You should keep at least one or two rotten friends around. You need someone to take the fall, when you go on your crime spree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 14, 2012 6:57 AM GMT
    There is no such thing as a rotten friend
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    Oct 14, 2012 7:20 AM GMT
    Depends if they're in the industry or not.
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    Oct 14, 2012 12:48 PM GMT
    You know it's a good thing to pick the right crowd of people you hang around with because ultimately it will be them who will have a good amount of influence over you, even if you are aware of that or not.

    So if there's a particular friend who you know is not good to hang around, then by all means don't associate yourself with them. Not to say completely ignore them and act as if they don't exist, I still believe in keeping things civilised.
    You can say hi's and bye's without it being hostile or starting a fight.
    If from there you don't want to take it any further then you don't have to and that's fine.

    I know of a few people where we generally don't click personality wise but we can say hi, have short little conversations and then end it there. They are by no means close to me but we are civilised.

    I mean I know alot of people say that you should be accepting of people for who they are, and that's fine but it doesn't mean you have to be friends.
    Someone being "who" they are isn't a justification for their bad habits or mannerisms, it's just an explanation as to why they are the way they are, but it doesn't make it okay.

    I say don't worry about it. I wouldn't have a bad friend just for the sake of having a friend, it'll only make you dislike them even more or worse, influence you to become like them.

    Anyway mate, wish you all the best.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 14, 2012 12:56 PM GMT
    Well didn't see any examples of how she was "horrible"... I'm not doubting it, but several examples are always helpful. I would have talked to her about some of her behavior before it escalated to this point... "kicking her to the curb" is a last resort as far as I'm concerned after you have tried to "straighten the friendship ship" so to speak. That is, if she was really a good friend to begin with.

    I'll be the first to say, I've had "friends" in my life that really aren't that. With one on particular, I happened to be a captive audience to recount her sicknesses, problems with her husband and various female problem (in detail) without giving anything back. She's gone now. There are "friends" and then ... there aren't.
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    Oct 14, 2012 12:57 PM GMT
    I didn't read it ..

    but they're good if your rotten too, but if you can't be rotten with them then it's no fun.
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    Oct 14, 2012 1:01 PM GMT
    For me rotten friend is a contradiction in terms. I could never have someone I thought as rotten be my friend. While I may not confront them about it directly, I would certainly distance myself until they were completely out of my life.

    What does it say about someone who is will to keep as a friend someone they think is rotten and possibly everyone else around them thinks is rotten too?
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    Oct 14, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    I've delt with this before. I think the best thing you can do is just slowly stop communicating with them, don't confront them saying you don't want to be their friend anymore because things will get ugly. Just distance yourself and after a while they will just be someone that you used to know.
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    Oct 14, 2012 2:32 PM GMT
    I have one friend (out of the 4 I have) that can be annoying as HELL...but I know in the end, there isn't anything that neither of us wouldn't do for the other. That, to me, is a true friend. One you know you can count on, no matter what.
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    Oct 14, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    Often when we say that someone only thinks of themselves, we're really saying "they make me feel ____". There is an underlying need that we have that isn't being fulfilled by that person. It's rare that a person is 100% or even 50% horrible. But our need may be so great and so specific that if they're not meeting it, we can become really hurt or impatient and our perception of them becomes skewed. I would suggest that you figure out what all your needs are first and then figure out which need, if any, she fulfills. You might start with figuring out what initially drew you to her.

    I've got 6 really good buddies. But they are all very different from each other especially in how they impact people. The one buddy that I thought was really self-centered turned out be an awesome guy and one of my closest friends, once we worked through the rough part.
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    Oct 14, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    Well, I wasn't really looking for advice since I pretty much burned the bridge and watched it turn to ash. Just thoughts for the future and to see if I was mistaken. Glad to see I wasn't. icon_wink.gif

    Without getting into details, this had to do with car accidents, hospitals, money, and just reliability. The car accident/hospital (the two aren't related) isn't directly related to her but it's just an indication of where her priorities are in life. And the money thing isn't about the money just the fact that it was clear that she was taking advantage of my kindness.

    Her personality or being around her isn't abysmal. It's just every other time...
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Oct 14, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    I learned when living in L.A. that you have to be selective when deciding who is a friend and who is just an acquaintance. There are just so many hours in a day, and free time to spend with friends is valuable. My basic rule is "if you don't enhance my life in some way, you're not in it". I weed out people pretty quickly who are negative and tend to bring me down or are just self-absorbed, mean-spirited, and/or selfish. Life is too short to spend it with people who don't bring some quality to your life. That's not to say everything with friends has to always be hunky dory. Most of my best friends I have been friends with 10, 20, 30 years or more and with each of them there have been a few rough spots along the way. However, it's that "history" you share with friends (the good times, and the bad) that tend to make you stronger.
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:09 PM GMT
    I think the fact you class her as a rotten friend in the first place speaks volumes icon_razz.gif
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:12 PM GMT


    Well I never keep anything that is rotten.
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    Question for you. Has she always been like this or has she become this over the years you've known her?

    I ask this because I don't have a single friend that I would describe in that way. People who behave like that are just not the kind of people that I gravitate towards, so for me it's very unlikely that a person like this would ever move beyond anything but a casual acquaintance and certainly wouldn't become a friend.
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:27 PM GMT
    I am the type of person who tries to see the best in everyone, and try to give everyone the benefit of a doubt. However, I also gravitate towards people I can sense are compassionate, empathetic, caring people.
    I've been very fortunate in my friendships.

    This is not to say I've not had to burn a few bridges.
    Its unfortunate, that Ive noticed that people dont usually change 'for the better.' Its my opinion that people usually only seem to change 'for the worst.'

    So, there have been times when Ive sucked up my reservations about a particular friend, or person in general, because I would rather be as polite and understanding as possible. (I try to see their situation, and what could be making them act like this.)

    However, within the last three or four years, I've grown up and matured quite a bit and if there is one thing I've learned that has helped me so much is this:

    People who do not add value and love to your life, have no time or place in it!

    I've gotten to the point that, if someone is being a dickhead, or a bitch, I tell them so! Ive gotten over the fear of "what will they do?" "what will they think!?"

    I dont care what they think, its obvious they just dont give a damn.
    Im done wasting so much of my own time and energy on trying to be NICE to MEAN people. Its a pointless, fruitless effort.

    Your time will be better spent investing in the love and gratitude you have for your family, and real friendships.

    Give no one your time, if they will not give you any of theirs. This isnt about "reciprocation." Its about love and respect, and in being a genuine person.

    Selfish people usually tend to remain selfish their entire lives. Dont waste yours trying to fight them.

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    Oct 14, 2012 4:36 PM GMT
    xrichx saidYes. You should keep at least one or two rotten friends around. You need someone to take the fall, when you go on your crime spree.


    Well put. Remember, friends help you move. Good friends help you move bodies.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    I think the title speaks for itself.

    Would YOU want to have a rotten friend?

    Probably not...
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:46 PM GMT
    Chainers saidI think the title speaks for itself.

    Would YOU want to have a rotten friend?

    Probably not...

    Perhaps the better question is:
    2 good friends

    OR

    4 bad friends
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:47 PM GMT
    IceBucket said
    Chainers saidI think the title speaks for itself.

    Would YOU want to have a rotten friend?

    Probably not...

    Perhaps the better question is:
    2 good friends

    OR

    4 bad friends


    2 good friends, hands down.

    I would take 0 good friends over 4 bad friends.

    Bad friends are just that, bad. And they arent your real friend IMO.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 14, 2012 4:53 PM GMT
    People like that don't deserve to get 'broken up with'. Just freeze them out. Don't call them, text them or message them. When they call you, keep it short. Just say you're busy. Don't invite them places, don't accept their invitations. It just feeds into their drama to make a big deal about how you feel about them.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 14, 2012 4:54 PM GMT
    I try not to burn any bridges (any more). I just continuously become more busy to have time. You never know if they will change some time in the future. Life is one continuous learning phase for everyone. We all like to think we know it all, or at least some of it, but the truth is, is that none of really no a whole lot.
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    Oct 14, 2012 4:57 PM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidBeing friends with anyone should always come natural and easy.
    When it becomes work and stressful at all it's no longer natural.
    That's not to say you'll never have differences with friends, but it should never feel like work.
    I don't call any of my friends rotten.


    DITTO.