Need some advice

  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Oct 14, 2012 3:21 PM GMT
    Giant wall of text ahead. You've been warned.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years, and have lived together for two. We share a lot of the same interests, which is what brought us together in the first place. He is sweet to me, and I enjoy spending time with him ... but there is no passion in our relationship anymore.

    One of my biggest concerns about our relationship is our sex life. Or, rather, the lack of one. If I don't initiate it, it doesn't happen. He shows very little interest in being intimate with me except for helping me get off. I've asked him about this, and he said that he could go weeks without having sex--that's mind-blowing to me. Even my attempts to be intimate with him are becoming fewer and farther between. He spends most nights playing games on his computer well past the time I need to go to bed for work.

    About a year ago I told him that I wasn't satisfied with our sex life. In my last long-term relationship, we were together for three years, the last year of which was totally sexless. My last bf also spent most of his free time playing games on his computer. I told my bf that I can't be in another sexless relationship. It ruined my self esteem and confidence.

    The last two weeks or so he has started falling asleep in the living room rather than coming to bed. At this point I don't care as much that we're on different sleeping schedules. I just at least want him to be there when I wake up. I told him that it bothers me that he doesn't come to bed, and he apologized and said he would come to bed. Yet in the four days since that conversation, I've woken up alone three mornings.

    He lost his job back in August, and I take that into consideration about some of his changed attitude and behaviors. When I talked with him about noticing that he seemed depressed, he said he "just goes through this sometimes" and he "needs to work on it by himself". I told him I felt he should trust me with his feelings and let me in, since that's what you do in a relationship. I also asked if he needed to take a break from us. He said no, and that he didnt want me to leave.

    So, at this point, I'm frustrated and tired of trying. It's been a month since the last time we had sex and I'm leaving the ball in his court. He recently got a job offer, and we'll know next week if it's a sure deal. I'm hoping that getting a job will bring him out of this slump. If not... is it time to leave?

    Feedback? Questions? Advice?
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Oct 14, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    Well I would like to ask how was his sex-drive when the relationship first started and when did you notice the decline of it any time before he lost his job?

    To me it does seem that he may be falling asleep on the couch to avoid having sex maybe but I would not say that for sure. He could just be simply falling asleep..

    Relationships are definitely going to have their ups and downs, it is just a matter of whether you want to allow your long-term relationship to be thrown away by the lack of sex.

    Of course this is only something you can work on with him, you just need to further build that openness with him in terms of communication to where he feels as though this can be a team effort in solving whatever is bothering him. I definitely would not like to see your relationship end over a small phase that he seems to be going through.
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Oct 14, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    At the beginning of the relationship it was great. I'd say there's been a gradual decline over the past year.
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Oct 17, 2012 12:14 AM GMT
    It's not just the lack of sex that bothers me. There are other things in the relationship that are less than ideal, but I can deal with them for the most part. We have different desires and goals for life and I've recently become much more aware of those differences--again, I can deal with that and accept that he is his own person as much as I am my own. But a non-existent sex life or a situation where I'm the only one interested is a deal-breaker for me. I just don't feel that a 3 year relationship should be this lacking in passion and excitement. It's especially frustrating because I know he's "taking care of his own business" so to speak.

    I've decided that I'll give him a few more weeks and see if he approaches me about the lack of physical intimacy, or he wants to have sex. He recently got hired for a job, so this time span will be the litmus test for determining if his unemployment-related lack of self esteem/stress was the contributing factor to his standoffishness. If not, I plan to sit down with him and tell him I've been bothered by the lack of intimacy, that it's an important piece of a relationship, and that I don't want to always be responsible for making the first move. Then I guess we'll go from there.

    Does that sound reasonable?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    One point: I'm not sure that self- esteem can be ruined, unless it was jus never there. The ego is the only thing that can be shattered, not our self-esteem.

    Other than that...
    Relationships are one of two things only: Holding on and Letting go

    It's one of the most difficult tasks to conquer, because sometimes it involves letting go of that devilish relationship with ourselves in order to hold on to a relationship with others. Other times we must hold on to the relationship with ourselves in order to let go of a relationship with another.

    I think you've already figured out who and what to hold on to.
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Oct 17, 2012 1:11 AM GMT
    Thanks for the thought-provoking response, deltalimen. I've never been very good at loving myself, so maybe it's time to nurture that relationship more.