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  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Oct 14, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    During your "coming out" process, did any of you face the situation im in where your parents and family, try and convince you are not gay???

    I obviously am gay, just wondering if anyone else faced similar conditions so I can fix this! haha

    the whole time I was wondering how they would respond and react to the fact im gay (they are some of the most homophobic people I know) so I wasnt expecting this hahahahha
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    Oct 14, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    Congrats on coming out to your homophobic family. Their denial is their way to process the news, because you obviously do not fit the stereotypes they have in their heads about gay people. Give them time to observe you and they will accept that you are gay. Don't do anything right now, except being absolutely yourself around them. If they have questions the will come to you, so don't force the subject.
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Oct 14, 2012 6:14 PM GMT
    Yes I know how that is.. And really there's not much you can do about it since people are going to believe what they want. Sometimes family members are in denial just because they have the whole "no one in my family is like that." and so it can be hard for them to believe.

    If they are are homophobic to the point where you can't sit down with them and have a mature open conversation about it then just leave it alone. It's definitely not you, it's something they will just have to accept as time goes on. You are definitely strong willed for coming out to your family, and I hope you stay strong in this situation.
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Oct 14, 2012 6:21 PM GMT
    thanks you two! Its just a weird situation and not the response I expected haha

    we had a fight last week about it, came home to them this weekend after college and they were trying to tell convince me otherwise! I expected more fights so i dont how how to react ahahha

    so confused all over again LOL
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Oct 14, 2012 6:26 PM GMT
    2 cute 2 b str8.
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    Oct 14, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    Try your best not to be too confrontational (walk away) and like bhp stated, give them time to process, hopefully they'll get more information and come around.
    And Yes, my twin sister was the worst, saying it couldn't be true, pointing to all the girls I ruined in high school, adding that I shouldn't let a bad experience turn me off woman, for good.
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Oct 14, 2012 6:54 PM GMT
    hahaha Dustin, I will expect that then!
    Yeah I know its all about time and patience but I find this a total different reaction that i pictured haha

    thanks TheBizman and lol to MA3000
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    Oct 14, 2012 7:43 PM GMT
    It's been a couple of my months and my mom is still convinced being gay was my choice and that I wasn't born this way (even though science points in the opposite direction). However, she has become a lot more loving and accepting than how she first was and it slowly learning that I can be gay and a normal 20 year old too.

    Mice can move mountains, but it does take time.

  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    Oct 14, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    Nobody tried to "convince" me that I wasn't gay, but my mom did insist that I was just confused and icon_rolleyes.gif suggest I go talk to a counselor. She got over it though, it was just a momentary bout of denial.

    Then, not too long ago, I was talking to my sister and she asked "Are you SURE you're gay? Maybe you really are just confused." I think maybe it's because I waited so long to tell them. Either way, they all got over it and have been nothing but supportive since then.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Oct 15, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    Hell yes. My dad thought I chose to be gay because I was "too afraid to talk to girls." He even bought me books about how to approach women.
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    Oct 15, 2012 1:17 AM GMT
    Aodhan saidthanks you two! Its just a weird situation and not the response I expected haha

    we had a fight last week about it, came home to them this weekend after college and they were trying to tell convince me otherwise! I expected more fights so i dont how how to react ahahha

    so confused all over again LOL


    Ask them how they'd feel if you tried to convince them that they are gay. icon_wink.gif

    Right now you are the parent and they the children, so be patient with them, young Jedi.

    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Oct 15, 2012 1:23 AM GMT
    Yes, happened to me, too. I think it's a good sign: it means that they accept the fact you are a fine man, only that in their world being gay automatically means not being a fine man. So you cannot be gay.

    At one point or another, they will have to give up the pretense. In the case of my family, it was when I told them I wouldn't come on holidays (vacations) because I couldn't bring my boyfriend. But I lived far away from "home." If you don't, try to be slow. For instance, don't share with them that your grindr account is "gangbangmeplz" just yet. icon_biggrin.gif
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Oct 28, 2012 12:53 AM GMT
    Something similar happened to me when I was much younger with my reasonably homophobic parents.

    My mother was sobbing that it was just a phase, and that she'd speak to me about it again a few months later. Before those few months were up though, she found out I had a boyfriend. Living under my parents' roof, I was forbidden to see the 'boyfriend' again (really I was only meeting him to get away from a miserable home life, and was not actually that interested in a relationship or sex with him - more just someone to talk to). And my parents were very interrogative and possessive of me and my whereabouts - I was no longer trusted and being outside the house during non-school times was not on. And when I left school it was still the same and is the same when I go back home during holidays, Christmas etc. But it has become slightly less stifling over time. Needless to say I don't go back much.

    About 5 years after the initial "just a phase" time, the subject of my gayness was finally brought up again - the news had sunk in by then, they were still angry at me my dad still mocked and threatened me but they certainly believed I was gay by that time.

    You just need to give it time. You have just set the ball rolling by telling them. If you continue to argue you will set yourself against your parents and I know what religious parents' egos are like. They will NOT back down if they perceive a fight between you, and the bad-feeling might escalate. So let it lie, let the news seep through their god fearing veins through time. In the mean time, focus on acting exactly as everything was before you "came out" while NEVER bringing up the subject during this time UNLESS they bring it up. You could even try to brush it under the carpet if they try to bring it up as a result of them looking for a fight - don't engage in any fighting with them it will not help either of you. Your parents may be too unlearned about the world to realise this (mines are).

    Presumably you still live with your parents as your home address and you depend on them for stuff (ehh maybe money for example) and they have power over you such as "in this house...", "we're feeding you..." etc???
    ----> So you may have to wait it out and not broach the subject again until you have released those dependences. ie finished college, got a job and moved into your own place. [surely an awesome day when it comes]. Also at that time, in the future, it would help to have emotional back up in the form of friends who would be there if it all goes badly?

    But you've done well by preparing them now - and they probably have had ridiculous and wrong images of what a gay man is in their heads (think squealing bitches in high heels and naked people dancing in public that they've seen on TV). Do your own thing to passively demonstrate that they have nothing to fear in the fact you're gay, and that perhaps it's THEIR ideas that are wrong about gays. But don't ever explain this to them - it might cause fights again - use deeds not words. And concentrate on really getting on with your parents and having great love for them, getting along well with them and respecting them as your parents. Try to ignore the gay issue for a while and work on your relationships with them. All the time the gay thing will be solidifying in their minds as they get used to the idea and imagine you with a boyfriend one day, for example.

    I love my parents BUT once I am financially independent I will lay down the law as far as my treatment is concerned and I will not ever again accept being treated as a 2nd class citizen in relation to my brothers (whose girlfriends have always been made extremely welcome in the house). We shall see what happens in our futures. icon_biggrin.gif Good luck!!!!!
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    Oct 28, 2012 1:16 AM GMT
    Many times when a child comes out to parents, they go through a period of grief. They grieve for the life they expected you to have. They grieve because they wanted you to get married, have kids and basically, the life they had.

    Sometimes, it can be very similar to K├╝bler-Ross's 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, etc.) In the beginning, be patient and let them move through the process. There's not a timetable, but there very well may come a time when you just have to move on with your life. It can depend on how "wrong" they think it is. There's a difference between not understanding and harboring anger and making your life miserable.

    Here's hoping your journey with your family is ultimately successful.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 28, 2012 1:24 AM GMT
    Well, you know how straight people are ... they all think we are a bunch of flaming, queeny, girls .... try swishing a little more icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 28, 2012 1:37 AM GMT
    Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup. They first thought it was a phase. Then they thought it was the way I was brought up.
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    Oct 28, 2012 2:37 AM GMT
    yea for sure...they said they loved me no less, but figured it was a choice that some teenagers make like drinking or smoking. Just give them time but be assertive that it is NOT a choice. Someone told me once that when they see you happy with a guy is when they fully come around. I like that bit of advice