No Friends...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2012 1:16 AM GMT
    As lame as I feel typing this, it's pretty much true. I have no friends. Well, I do have one friend. I've been friends with her since the summer right before senior year of high school started (about 5 years now). She's the only person who I can really be myself around and who understands me. She is the best friend I've ever had, and I know that. But there's still a part of me that wishes I had at least a few other friends aside from her. Preferably guy friends that I could hang out with and talk to.

    There's a guy I work with and he's really cool. He's always nice to me, we make jokes/laugh together, and sometimes we text each other. But when it comes to hanging out with me outside of work, he seems to be uninterested. He will actually sometimes suggest that we go out, and when I agree, that'll be the end of it. He won't bring it up again, and it will never happen. I'll invite him to hang out with me and my friend (who also used to work with us), and he'll say yeah, but never show up or make an excuse. Although a couple weeks ago, I had some people from work over, and he did come. But usually in most cases it seems like he doesn't want to be friends with me outside of work, and I'm really not sure why. I know he is into clubs and bars, and likes to party hard. I do enjoy going out, but not as much as he does, so maybe he thinks I'm just too different than him or something...

    Anyway, I've never had a lot of friends, just a few growing up in school and whatever. I'm a little awkward socially, but I like to think I'm pretty cool with a great sense of humor. I'm constantly making co-workers and classmates laugh, and a lot of them think I'm hilarious.

    But for whatever reason, I have a hard time taking friendships outside of school/work. I feel like I always have to be the one to reach out, and I'm constantly getting shut down. No one ever reaches out to me or makes an effort to be my friend. There has to be something wrong with me, because I know it isn't everyone else. I'm just really depressed and tired of being lonely, and sitting at home by myself at 22 years old on Friday and Saturday nights. I want to go out with a group of friends, have a good time, and enjoy life. I don't know if I'll ever have that though...

    I feel like if I would've went away to college, it would have been my chance to start over fresh and make friends and meet new people. I had some anxieties about moving away from home, so I went to local schools and still do. It's my biggest regret...I just feel stuck. I'm afraid that I'll just always be alone and I'll just have to accept. I'm really just trying to figure out why it is that I can't seem to make any friends.

    Anyway, sob story over. Any suggestions?
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    Oct 15, 2012 1:22 AM GMT


    Hmmm...I thought I had the same problem when I was 19...so I began just making casual acquaintances, lots of them. After I'd made a lot of them, bingo, a few wanted to be friends.


    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Oct 15, 2012 1:29 AM GMT
    Wow you sound kinda like me. Right now most of the people that I was close with have gone away or are not near me at all. I'm not the kind of person to be able to maintain friendships with people that I know in person over the internet at all. A month ago my best friend moved to Canada and it was really hard on me, she was like one of the people I was really close too.

    Anyway, most of my friendship issues stemmed from high school until like my last two years. I always kind of kept to myself in high school but then when I realized I was going to be leaving, I wanted to make an impact on the people and I just opened up. Much to my surprise they actually were quite interested in how different I was (I didn't tell them I was gay though, back then I wasn't out to myself really).

    After I left high school and went to the school I'm at now, the people there really took to me as well for some reason (all of this was a shock to me). Just that when we all left, it's pretty hard to meet up now that everyone's gone their own way.

    So now I have no one really, except a few people that I barely see due to us having no time to really work something out, except every week or so. But the hardest thing for me that I had always hoped for was to have a guy as a friend, and I'm talking about a guy that you could label as "normal." Most of my guy friends were like me and were geeky, into musicals/theater or just weird. Recently me and this guy have bonded a lot, and I actually thought it was because my best friend who moved to Canada asked him to be nice to me but it turns out that he's just like actually an awesome guy and genuinely likes talking to me and whatever.

    It took me a while to find a friend like that but after all I've been through in my life, I realized that it's definitely not the quantity but the quality. And I'm glad to say that after my awkward phase of never having any close friends, I've finally got some that I'm happy to have. Even if I don't see them much, I know that they're around if I really need them.
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    Oct 15, 2012 1:38 AM GMT
    I think luck plays a very big role in having good friends. I had two good friends but they both moved away, we used to hang out and go to parties etc. And then there were other friends (or just people) with whom I never felt any connection, my two friends said I should continue to hang out and go to parties with those other friends once they leave (the two good friends). I gave it a try, I dont think I had ever been that bored. With me either I feel a connection or I dont, and I have a tendency of getting bored very fast and with those other people, inside I would always be like "my god these people dont know anything and are still so full of themselves, can their conversations get any more boring and pretentious".

    I may sound like a prude but I am not, I just cannot stand some conversation, and I am very bad at laughing at bad jokes, most of the times I end up saying "how is that funny?, it might be funny for 4 years olds" etc. and others think I am rude etc.

    I know not having friends can be very lonely and depressing and I feel like that sometimes, but when that happens I just try to find something to do, like go to gym again or read an unfinished book, clean my room thoroughly, cook something good etc.

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    Oct 15, 2012 3:00 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidWelcome to RJ....this is not only a place to post your sorrows, but may be the solution to them as well. icon_wink.gif

    First off: the most important part of having a need is being able to identify it, and you've just done that (quite well.) This is gonna happen many times in your life, whether it's unhappiness at a job, with friends/family, or feeling rudderless in life. I'd suggest to you that rather than being a sad thing --a hole you can't get out of, it's actually just a fork in the road: time for you to initiate a change in your life.

    I've found RJ to be a great place to practice one's social skills in a very safe environment. You've got a ton of guys here....some are awesome, some are assholes and plenty are fake: just like real life. What's different than real life is that there are few consequences on here....if you're in a bad mood and say something stupid, you might get shiton a bit, but you're not going to lose family/friends/a job/money in your bank acct/etc. And usually a day or two later, people will forget all about it and hit the reset button. So it's a great place to hone your skills.

    After a while (and I say this as a guy with over 10,000 posts), you'll start to feel a real kinship with a few of the guys on here....you'll have convo's (about sex, love, fears, etc) that you'd only be able to have with the very closest of friends in real life. And you'll get a window into others' lives that will open your eyes to new possibilities at the same time as you see their human foibles are no different than anyone else's ---we're all flawed perfectly.

    It's not real life...it's not at all the same as having a drinking bud who will be your wingman at parties or anything, but it can be an excellent elixir until such people enter into your real life (and they will.) The practice on here will help you "read" people, so you are wiser about whom you open up to in real life; and I'll bet you'll be less likely to put up with shit from poor friends just because "they're the best you can get." And the skills you learn on-line are the same skills you'll use in person, so you can likely 'fast-track' good potential real life friendships, even if you normally feel shy and a bit awkward, lol.

    So participate! The "what's on your mind (3)" thread is an excellent "coffee shop" convo thread about anything and nothing --usually just a wonderful circle-jerk of cool guys shooting the shit. It's a great place to meet guys and try out new communication styles. I'll bet that once you feel comfortable showing a bit of the "inner you" on here, you'll be more open to strangers in real life and less worried about putting your foot in your mouth. icon_biggrin.gif

    Bottom line: you're not alone in this....every human (whether gay/straight/male/female) has struggled with this: we're social creatures, and each of wants to fit in with good people who "get us". The people you're passing by each day --potential friends-- have likely all gone through the same stage....they'll be just as glad that you broke the ice (when you're ready) as you'll be. icon_wink.gif

    Have fun; cut yourself some slack; and try something new. icon_smile.gif


    You said this sooo! icon_biggrin.gif

    Pharm you can always message me on here. I'll gladly help out in the matter of socializing. So far you have made efforts in befriending people so bravo on that. Also with that co worker of yours. He probably has his quota of friends and probably isn't looking to invest in another. It does not reflect bad on you, so no need to fret on him.

  • Breeman

    Posts: 339

    Oct 15, 2012 3:50 AM GMT
    Awww! I wish you were in Toronto. We could hook up. I can play my guitar and sing for you too.
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Oct 15, 2012 3:59 AM GMT
    I would suggest that the "if I went to college" idea is not a bad one, but instead maybe frame it as a current opportunity--go enroll in a class you think you might enjoy at a local college/community college, or join a local club that does something you like to do (maybe a bowling league?) You're not going to meet new friends in your living room.
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    Oct 15, 2012 4:03 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidWelcome to RJ....this is not only a place to post your sorrows, but may be the solution to them as well. icon_wink.gif

    First off: the most important part of having a need is being able to identify it, and you've just done that (quite well.) This is gonna happen many times in your life, whether it's unhappiness at a job, with friends/family, or feeling rudderless in life. I'd suggest to you that rather than being a sad thing --a hole you can't get out of, it's actually just a fork in the road: time for you to initiate a change in your life.

    I've found RJ to be a great place to practice one's social skills in a very safe environment. You've got a ton of guys here....some are awesome, some are assholes and plenty are fake: just like real life. What's different than real life is that there are few consequences on here....if you're in a bad mood and say something stupid, you might get shiton a bit, but you're not going to lose family/friends/a job/money in your bank acct/etc. And usually a day or two later, people will forget all about it and hit the reset button. So it's a great place to hone your skills.

    After a while (and I say this as a guy with over 10,000 posts), you'll start to feel a real kinship with a few of the guys on here....you'll have convo's (about sex, love, fears, etc) that you'd only be able to have with the very closest of friends in real life. And you'll get a window into others' lives that will open your eyes to new possibilities at the same time as you see their human foibles are no different than anyone else's ---we're all flawed perfectly.

    It's not real life...it's not at all the same as having a drinking bud who will be your wingman at parties or anything, but it can be an excellent elixir until such people enter into your real life (and they will.) The practice on here will help you "read" people, so you are wiser about whom you open up to in real life; and I'll bet you'll be less likely to put up with shit from poor friends just because "they're the best you can get." And the skills you learn on-line are the same skills you'll use in person, so you can likely 'fast-track' good potential real life friendships, even if you normally feel shy and a bit awkward, lol.

    So participate! The "what's on your mind (3)" thread is an excellent "coffee shop" convo thread about anything and nothing --usually just a wonderful circle-jerk of cool guys shooting the shit. It's a great place to meet guys and try out new communication styles. I'll bet that once you feel comfortable showing a bit of the "inner you" on here, you'll be more open to strangers in real life and less worried about putting your foot in your mouth. icon_biggrin.gif

    Bottom line: you're not alone in this....every human (whether gay/straight/male/female) has struggled with this: we're social creatures, and each of wants to fit in with good people who "get us". The people you're passing by each day --potential friends-- have likely all gone through the same stage....they'll be just as glad that you broke the ice (when you're ready) as you'll be. icon_wink.gif

    Have fun; cut yourself some slack; and try something new. icon_smile.gif


    I think this is one of the best posts I have read here icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 15, 2012 4:09 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidWelcome to RJ....this is not only a place to post your sorrows, but may be the solution to them as well. icon_wink.gif

    First off: the most important part of having a need is being able to identify it, and you've just done that (quite well.) This is gonna happen many times in your life, whether it's unhappiness at a job, with friends/family, or feeling rudderless in life. I'd suggest to you that rather than being a sad thing --a hole you can't get out of, it's actually just a fork in the road: time for you to initiate a change in your life.

    I've found RJ to be a great place to practice one's social skills in a very safe environment. You've got a ton of guys here....some are awesome, some are assholes and plenty are fake: just like real life. What's different than real life is that there are few consequences on here....if you're in a bad mood and say something stupid, you might get shiton a bit, but you're not going to lose family/friends/a job/money in your bank acct/etc. And usually a day or two later, people will forget all about it and hit the reset button. So it's a great place to hone your skills.

    After a while (and I say this as a guy with over 10,000 posts), you'll start to feel a real kinship with a few of the guys on here....you'll have convo's (about sex, love, fears, etc) that you'd only be able to have with the very closest of friends in real life. And you'll get a window into others' lives that will open your eyes to new possibilities at the same time as you see their human foibles are no different than anyone else's ---we're all flawed perfectly.

    It's not real life...it's not at all the same as having a drinking bud who will be your wingman at parties or anything, but it can be an excellent elixir until such people enter into your real life (and they will.) The practice on here will help you "read" people, so you are wiser about whom you open up to in real life; and I'll bet you'll be less likely to put up with shit from poor friends just because "they're the best you can get." And the skills you learn on-line are the same skills you'll use in person, so you can likely 'fast-track' good potential real life friendships, even if you normally feel shy and a bit awkward, lol.

    So participate! The "what's on your mind (3)" thread is an excellent "coffee shop" convo thread about anything and nothing --usually just a wonderful circle-jerk of cool guys shooting the shit. It's a great place to meet guys and try out new communication styles. I'll bet that once you feel comfortable showing a bit of the "inner you" on here, you'll be more open to strangers in real life and less worried about putting your foot in your mouth. icon_biggrin.gif

    Bottom line: you're not alone in this....every human (whether gay/straight/male/female) has struggled with this: we're social creatures, and each of wants to fit in with good people who "get us". The people you're passing by each day --potential friends-- have likely all gone through the same stage....they'll be just as glad that you broke the ice (when you're ready) as you'll be. icon_wink.gif

    Have fun; cut yourself some slack; and try something new. icon_smile.gif


    QFT

    Great post and very true.

    To the OP,you are not alone bud. Plenty of us have felt how you have felt once in our lives. Most are not as brave as you are to admit it and ask for pointers. Eventually as we get older we start to find who our real friends are.
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    Oct 15, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    Oh shit. I just had a thread similar last night. Though that was about if I should drop someone as my "friend" (I did btw).

    But yeah dude - I know EXACTLY how you feel. 22 - alone on Fridays and Saturdays. Have that one best girl-brol friend for 5 years. Nobody else wants to be around? Yep - that's me alright. Never alot of friends. Yeah - only difference was that when I was in school, I never made friends there. I made any friend I have through work.

    College? Yep - that was my biggest regret also. I missed out on a whole lot of crap that probably would've been helpful in my bumbling awkwardness. Seriously, last night I knocked two pieces of cake out of peoples hands at my sisters engagement party.

    And I'll be honest - I was shocked when I read you're from Amityville. Right across the bay. icon_cool.gif

    communitychannel2.gif

    EDIT: And I just realized that Amityville is in Suffolk. I was thinking of Bayville. Stil - county over.
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    Oct 15, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    Just when you thought they have an app for everything, it turns out friendships only run on manual. They don't even update automatically so you have to continually check for new updates or you wind up with an obsolete version that won't run on your upgraded system. Whenever adding a new friend, never click recommended, instead pick custom and install as many options as you think you can handle. Peruse the readme section for the latest info that didn't make it in time for publication. Oh yeah, and one more thing. Get the fuck off the computer, go out and make some friends.
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    Oct 15, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    Quit being such a loser (tough love time)

    If you wanton have a friend, you must be a friend. Develop some interests. Take a class. Do something outside whatever you're doing now to grow as a person.
    And if you really want make friends, you have to find a way to extend yourself in spite of whatever social awkwardness you have.

    And having some friends from work over isn't reallyhaving NO friends.
  • kiwi_nomad

    Posts: 316

    Oct 15, 2012 6:49 AM GMT
    move to a new place that you are unfamiliar with, I find that helps force yourself to go out there and meet new people and make friends.
  • Mikey00x

    Posts: 5

    Oct 15, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing your story Pharmboy90. Ironically enough, today (well 15 minutes ago) was my birthday, and I was sitting at the dinner table looking out at the people in my life and love that we all have for each other and feeling kind of alone. Not alone like I have no one, but alone romantically and part of that is building new friendships. I only have one real friend my age and it just feels awful sometimes. I'd like to think I'm a great friend, honest, genuine, kind and compassionate. But like you, outside of work and what may be more superficial "friendships" I just don't know what to do myself. I guess reading your post helped me in a way realize that I am not the only one out there going through this and I like a lot of the responses that posters have shared. I guess my advice to the both of us is don't give up. Hey maybe the next time you see someone you'd like to get to know, be spontaneous and ask them out! Ha! icon_cool.gif

    Best to you.

    Mikey
  • StevieB0402

    Posts: 159

    Oct 15, 2012 2:55 PM GMT
    I would hypothesize that the anxiety you mentioned is detectable by others around you and while they think you're a nice guy, they sense the anxiety and aren't certain how to proceed, so they don't.

    Fortunately for you, you have taken the biggest step to anxiety reduction. You have reached out. Sharing your story and asking for help is the quickest way to unburdening yourself and making friends. Look at all the members who sympathize and have offered to be friends with you. Build on this. Start chatting with members from this site. Send emails. Meet with people in a safe environment. The more success you have, the greater your confidence will build and the less anxious you will feel. Sometimes you will have a bad experience but the trick is to learn from it and not let it anchor you.

    Let us know how your situation progresses.
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:30 AM GMT
    vintovka saidI would suggest that the "if I went to college" idea is not a bad one, but instead maybe frame it as a current opportunity--go enroll in a class you think you might enjoy at a local college/community college, or join a local club that does something you like to do (maybe a bowling league?) You're not going to meet new friends in your living room.


    I am in college, I just decided to stay home and commute to a local school rather than going away and living in a dorm.

    topathlete saidFrom your post it is difficult to have a complete picture. Maybe you try too hard and it comes across in your personality.


    I definitely think this is a possibility, and it's something I'm working on. Maybe I just to need to be cool with people and chat with them at work/school, and wait for them to reach out to me for once.



    Anyway, thank all of you for the support and advice, and to those of you who have reached out. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    You live in Amityville and you want to know why you dont have friends? icon_eek.gif
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:40 AM GMT
    Pick the right friends. The truth is based on interests. Friend needs interest. Focus on yourself first. Do things to empower and make you feel healthy. Things will fall along if you can find a location or events that you are interested in.
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:42 AM GMT
    Caslon21000 saidYou live in Amityville and you want to know why you dont have friends? icon_eek.gif

    Think he's going to do just fine... its a good time to be joining RJ. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:46 AM GMT
    It's easier to make friends when you're selfish and go out and do stuff that you enjoy. For instance, I like drinking and being social, so when I moved to a new town, I went to a few mixers and made friends in the process. I like soccer, so I joined a team. I like woodworking, so I met more friends that helped me refine my skill. Just live your life. Friends will follow.
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    hugabed.jpg
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    stayingin.jpg
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    Oct 16, 2012 1:53 AM GMT
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    Oct 16, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    Caslon21000 saidstayingin.jpg


    omg I found this hilarious hahaicon_lol.gif
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    Oct 16, 2012 2:25 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidIt's easier to make friends when you're selfish and go out and do stuff that you enjoy. For instance, I like drinking and being social, so when I moved to a new town, I went to a few mixers and made friends in the process. I like soccer, so I joined a team. I like woodworking, so I met more friends that helped me refine my skill. Just live your life. Friends will follow.


    This is so true - and it bears repeating here. I had a dry spell for about 3 months when I was 26. No dates - just one-nighters, which I was growing bored of. So I found I had to get out and join things - realizing I wasn't meeting anyone sitting around my apartment just looking out at the view. I joined my alumni association and met people. I joined an art group and met people. More people came through business and work circles. You mentioned having people over from work, and that is good. Do more of that. Just be yourself and show confidence and an upbeat mood, and people will be attracted to you - - - they'll want to know what makes you tick.