WHY IS THIS?????????

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    Oct 15, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    I found this a pattern among older gay men. Of course, it's not indicative of every older gay man, but a majority of them do exhibit, more or less, a certain amount of this trait. From a younger gay man perspective, I have noticed that there is a subtle hint of loneliness, sadness, and lack of a supportive system among older gay men-not by choice, but of situational.

    Let me clarify my point: After careful observations and talking with a lot older gay men, whether they be the loners or the jovial types who go out regularly to bars to try to socialize, I observe that most of them do worry about growing old alone, without anyone by their side. For some of them, denial would creep into their mind as a defense mechanism once in a while, but it would always be there, lurking at the back of their mind nevertheless.

    What is more interesting is that those who do go out to socialise, would still have this 'emptiness'. Let me describe three general types of older gay men, from my observation

    1. The ones who hang with the younger guys: This is more obvious in the club scenes where a guy would be a lot older than his "friends"-not necessarily a sugar daddy, but an older friend type. Because they know that their younger friends do not necessarily have the financial means to pay for a lot of the things, he would sometimes buy them drinks, food, or help them pay for club admission fee. Whether they have ulterior motives or not, one would never know, but I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they are doing this out of altruism and out of the goodness of their hearts.

    I question sometimes what would compel a guy to hang out with others who are a lot younger than he is. The immediate answer would be common interest, but, I think, it's deeper than that. I think the root is loneliness, the fear of growing old, not feeling young, and not being active, make them actually do activities that are considered young, energetic, "hip and cool". Cynics would claim that they go out to clubs not to hang with jail baits, have partners or just simply to dance. It maybe true for your individual case, but this is my observation which confirms that 9 times out of 10, those older gay men who go out clubbing are singles, or at least hoping that they'd meet someone there.

    2. The ones who hang with the same age peers: You would find this type more so in bars or during happy hours where groups of gay men, I call them 'cliques', hang out. From the outset, you would notice that they are the most balanced group of gay men, since they have close friends, stable jobs, boyfriends (maybe), cars, houses, dogs, no child support etc. They seem relatively stress-free.

    When you delve deeper, they are as lonely as the other groups. Yes, they have friends, but most of the time, they don't like each other or have social dramas among themselves. They have relatively different jobs, interests or opinions. Most of the time, the only thing that brings them together is the rainbow flag. They would try to tolerate each other, or else they would break into even smaller group of cliques. I notice that most of the gays try to tolerate each other so as not to lose "a gay friend" who would help them meet other gay men, who could become potential boyfriends. They would be forced to make small talks, forced to crack a smile, or forced to crack a joke, while thinking, 'is that guy on the corner checking me out? he is so cute'. After the bar is closed, they would go back to their individual place, sleep in their individual beds, wake up to go to their respective jobs the next day, and repeat all over again on the weekend. A lot of them do crave to meet Mr. Right or hold out for Mr.Perfect. A lot of them do settle for Mr. Nice guy who turns out to be not so nice or not so exciting. Nevertheless, they are always wondering if they'll ever meet the guy or always in a state of 'emptiness'. After all, they seem to have everything else.

    3. The loners or the ones who are partnered or in a "committed" relationship. These are the long-term couples or the loners or the closeted married ones. They seldom go out to bars unless it's a special occasion, or their single friends force them to. They are most happy at home, away from other gay men, away from the modern technology to meet other gay men, cut off from outside social world.

    In a straight couple world, they would meet other straight couples, but in a gay couple world, it would be quite difficult to meet other gay couples since there aren't many, even fewer gay couples whom you would get along with. They are not the social norms, so it's difficult to find them. Most of the time, the TV series portray gay couples as the stereotypical ones, the resemblance of the straight couple relationship-the husband and the wife, the homemaker and the breadwinner, the masculine and the feminine one ,etc etc.

    So, the monogamous gay couples are often cut off from the social world, unless they want their straight friends judging them or their single gay friends hitting on their partners. One person would always be worrying whether their partner is bored with him, cruising on Grindr, craiglist, Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Scruff, etc. Some of the couples would try to plan something to do, or plan for the future such as buying a house together, adopting a pet, vacation together, or raising a family. Most of the time, a partner would drop the ball, and they are back to single self, older, alone, with their looks gone. So, they would resort back to either 1) or 2). Or, they would have an "open relationship", or make compromises to stay in the relationship, or they would not trust their partner as much as they did before. Nevertheless, they are still lonely, whether they'd be in a monogamous relationship, or single.

    The closeted married ones or the loners are the ones who are always online, hoping from one meaningless encounter to another. Most of the time, they are afraid of being outed, or scared to actually have to choose "the gay lifestyle" or make the right commitment. Their wives, even if they know it, would ignore so as not to break up the family, or to protect the sanctity of marriage or to protect the children. Children are smart, they always know, and they do want their parents to be happy. So long as their parents live a life of dignity, respect themselves, they would respect them, it's 2012. Of course, I'm just a kid, I wouldn't know the real world. right?

    In conclusion, my point is that I can sense a subtle hint of loneliness, sadness , and lack of a true support system among older gay men. What can we do right now to make the life of older gay men better, make them feel less isolated, lonely and sad into a more inclusive, connected, fulfilled, proud and dignified self. What are you doing to remedy the pandemics? We need positive action plan to contain the situation both for older gay men and younger generation. It's 2012 already, when will the American society move fast enough so that it will not be the same when I grow up.

    Sincerely,
    Concerned Youth. icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2012 3:39 PM GMT
    Dear Concerned Youth,

    " In conclusion, my point is that I can sense a subtle hint of loneliness, sadness and lack of support system among older gay men. "

    Roughly 80% of our peer group died horribly in the Great Plague.

    warmly,
    -Doug of meninlove

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    im scared ill end up alone too its not just older men
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    Oct 15, 2012 3:51 PM GMT
    Kiddo, your observations are yours, but please don't follow the logical fallacy of assuming that your observations apply to a majority of older gay men.

    Signed, partnered gay guy who doesn't go to bars but spends lots of time either at home with his partner or with his friends who are mostly other committed gay long-term couples and the rest of whom are mostly a mix of married straight folks and single gay guys. Happy and not lonely or sad in the slightest.
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    Oct 15, 2012 3:52 PM GMT
    Maybe I will post another thoughtful post for us, younger generation too. icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    showme saidKiddo, your observations are yours, but please don't follow the logical fallacy of assuming that your observations apply to a majority of older gay men.

    Signed, partnered gay guy who doesn't go to bars but spends lots of time either at home with his partner or with his friends who are mostly other committed gay long-term couples and the rest of whom are mostly a mix of married straight folks and single gay guys. Happy and not lonely or sad in the slightest.


    Thanks for stepping out. I think that visibility is just as important for role models, but I think one couple, or a few monogamous couples would not also prove that what I observed is not true. Otherwise, a lot of gay men would not still be single, miserable and sad. I congratulate you for being in a healthy relationship, but I'm sure, as you know, being a relationship does not equate happiness, lack of feeling lonely. It is the quality that defines a healthy, happy, respected relationship, and I hope more older gay men can be in a situation that you are in. What is more important is the fact that you also mingle with your single gay friends as they might need a helping hand (no pun intended) in finding someone.

    Sincerely,
    Encouraged Youth
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2012 11:10 PM GMT
    Heterosexuals worry about growing old alone, too. Perhaps the only difference with gay men is that our opportunities for procreating are more limited, so we are less likely to be bonded to another human being until the end of our lifetime.
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    Oct 15, 2012 11:13 PM GMT
    Well, I'm sorry for whatever older gay men you're observing, crossfit7, but speaking for me and my friends, it just doesn't apply.
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    Oct 15, 2012 11:15 PM GMT
    I never feel alone , and never worry about my old years to come , i have great friends , gay and straight , women and men , and more than anything else , i am a dog lover , and dog is man best friendicon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2012 11:18 PM GMT
    There's validity in some of those observations but I wouldn't say they reflect the majority of older gay guys
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    Oct 15, 2012 11:22 PM GMT
    Dear concerned youth,

    This is why I moved to an intensely gay-friendly metropolis.

    Of course, the majority of my friends are younger than me, and you're absolutely correct in assuming that it's because of common interests. Most guys my age have succumbed to the social pressure of "acting your age." I tell society to STFU and leave me be, because I refuse to grow up. icon_cool.gif
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    Oct 15, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    Interesting responses.

    stfuandkissme: I say you better make peace with your siblings, parents, relatives because, after all, blood is thicker than water.

    ChoklitDaddy: you sure you don't fall in category 2) ?


    neffa: I prove my point, since you mentioned 'dog is man's best friend'

    beneful1: I think they do all into the majority of the gay men

    yourname2000: Dickhead, I am aware that I might be the 'older gay men'. Did you even read the whole thread?

    paulflexes: Category 1)

  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 15, 2012 11:56 PM GMT
    TLDR
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 16, 2012 12:26 AM GMT
    OP, you're not saying anything that hasn't been said a thousand times before. You're buying into a myth. Life is what you make of it, and I for one look forward to getting older. I just want more time to spend with my husband, and to read. If I read two books a week for the rest of life that would only be like 3000 books. There are millions of books! We don't get much time in life. Make the best of it, at any age. The alternative is death.
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    Oct 16, 2012 12:29 AM GMT
    HottJoe saidOP, you're not saying anything that hasn't been said a thousand times before. You're buying into a myth. Life is what you make of it, and I for one look forward to getting older. I just want more time to spend with my husband, and to read. If I read two books a week for the rest of life that would only be like 3000 books. There are millions of books! We don't get much time in life. Make the best of it, at any age. The alternative is death.


    Yes, it is a myth.....TOTALLY!
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    Oct 16, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    The true is gay relationship has lower successful rate than hetero group. It is sad but you should start young to learn to be comfortable with yourself and enjoy the things you love in life. Happiness begins with you. You need friends, not sexual objects. Such is the poor fate of gay people according from our media. You should be realistic, considerate, and value yourself for who you are. Not all people have rational thoughts......thats why things don't work out!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 16, 2012 12:43 AM GMT
    crossfit7 said ... What can we do right now to make the life of older gay men better, make them feel less isolated, lonely and sad into a more inclusive, connected, fulfilled, proud and dignified self....

    Maybe try coming to the point sooner because we don't have that much time left icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2012 12:49 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    crossfit7 said ... What can we do right now to make the life of older gay men better, make them feel less isolated, lonely and sad into a more inclusive, connected, fulfilled, proud and dignified self....

    Maybe try coming to the point sooner because we don't have that much time left icon_evil.gif


    Just ask for the Readers Digest version lol