Need reality check / is he too flaky or am I too intense?

  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Oct 17, 2012 3:02 AM GMT
    Met an amazing guy at a bar a few weeks ago and we have hung out a few times, he seems really into me, his friends like me, and I would really like to date him. However, even though we've met up a few times, it's always been last minute.

    Last weekend I finally went over to his place for the night; we didn't have sex because he likes to wait longer and was open about having been hurt before, which I thought was great; i have no problem with it because i'm looking for a relationship. In the morning he asked when we'd hang out again and I offered to do dinner next day.

    He ended up canceling on that the day of; this was the 2nd time he had cancelled a dinner. He suggested we do something during the week, I said that was cool, but then I decided that I was tired of playing the game and sent him a nice but direct text saying that I liked him, but have my guard up and want to make sure that i'm not getting the wrong idea because we've had cancelled plans a few times....

    He replied saying he was really sorry that I got that impression, he didn't mean that at all, he likes me, wants to hang out with me and "see where it goes", and then asked me if I was still interested in having dinner with him this week. We agreed to and then he ended the convo by saying "we'll talk tomorrow and make plans".

    I never heard from him the next day, but waited till the day after to reach out. I offered to get dinner, but said no worries if he already had plans. I saw (iPhone) that he started to type a message after a while, but never sent anything. I sent another text a few hours later saying that I didn't mean to apply any pressure, thought what he told me over the weekend was nice, and that I'm still trying to figure things out.

    I don't get why someone who has been so openly into me, so nice, has told me he'd like to get to know me, specified when he wants to make plans, etc. then stops responding....am I being too forward, too intense? I don't like playing the game, when I like someone I let them know.
  • cavecanem10

    Posts: 70

    Oct 17, 2012 3:11 AM GMT
    Been there done that, unfortunately (for you and me).

    You've given him a certain extent of the power by keeping him the one in charge of making those decisions. People like this truly are figuring out what they want and despite what they say about keeping the sex till later and how into you they are, they're just full of it.

    I'd say drop it and stop wasting your time chasing tail. It sounds like he has some baggage/issues with commitment. Maybe see where he's at in like 6 months and maybe he'll think differently and be throwing himself at you. But if you're like me, you're happily in a relationship by then icon_surprised.gif. You deserve better.
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    Oct 17, 2012 5:03 AM GMT

    OK, you've only been kind and considerate. These are great things.

    He isn't demonstrating that in return.

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Oct 17, 2012 12:14 PM GMT
    Thanks guys....does make me feel better, but what do I do now, just completely forget about him, or do I try to message him again in a few days?

    I'm really bad when it comes to not having any type of closure...even when I decide I don't want to pursue something with someone, I tell tell them that flat out (nicely), rather than just ignore them completely.
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    Oct 17, 2012 12:31 PM GMT
    linvect96 saidThanks guys....does make me feel better, but what do I do now, just completely forget about him, or do I try to message him again in a few days?

    I'm really bad when it comes to not having any type of closure...even when I decide I don't want to pursue something with someone, I tell tell them that flat out (nicely), rather than just ignore them completely.


    Do what I do with flakeys- text them saying the next move is up to them.

    Then don´t text him any more until (if) he texts you.
  • TampaENFJ

    Posts: 44

    Oct 17, 2012 1:26 PM GMT
    I have the opposite opinion. If this guy has some baggage or is uncertain of what he wants, he isn't going to work through fear of commitment by being single and uncommitted. If you like him, and he said he likes you, see where it goes. Give him the chance to trust you, it is a process, not flipping a switch. Be patient, try to reframe your approach to the situation. If you're going to be in a relationship, it's going to stretch out over time, there are going to be ups and downs. Why rush it?

    Assume you want to be in a 5 year relationship. If it started this week with successful dinner plans, great. If it started in 3-6 moths after off-and-on dating, 6 months down the road he's still in your life. 5 years down the road, he's still in your life, just with a different anniversary.
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    Oct 17, 2012 1:35 PM GMT
    GonzoTheGreat said...

    Do what I do with flakeys- text them saying the next move is up to them.

    Then don´t text him any more until (if) he texts you.


    Yep, exactly this.

    OP, you've already let the guy in question know where you stand, and your hopes for what may come about between you two.

    He sounds like he is on the fence. His response was vague and open. He probably likes the idea of having the option, and maybe exploring it at his own pace, but is scared/unsure of what he wants, and more importantly, he sounds like is just not that into you (at this point). At least for anything beyond friendship I would imagine, or else he would likely be making more of an effort.

    So, throw all expectations out of the window, be resigned to the fact nothing much is likely going to come of this, relationship wise, but leave the door open for him to contact you whenever he is ready to hang out- and if he ever does respond, don't delude yourself into thinking it means more than simply hanging out at this point.

    Don't put all your eggs into this one basket and set yourself up for a fall.

    Expect the least, even if you secretly hope for the most.

    Go with the flow.

    Good luck.

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    Oct 17, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    you're not married to him.

    even if you were, people sometimes need their own space

    i would take him at face value and not cut ties or assume anything

    unless you imagine that somehow this connection is cock-blocking you from others, which it is not. do you need to move so quickly?

    often, when people claim they have baggage, they really mean they have baggage and they can't open up yet. it's not your problem. you're not required to stick around and try to help. there's no guarantee of reward if you do, it's just being a friend.

    just being open to life and love from all directions and see where it lands....that's what is gonna happen anyway
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    Oct 17, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    Le sigh. I know exactly what you are going through buddy. I suggest just easing off him for awhile. I know it will be hard, and not knowing where he stands is the hardest part, but bothering him aint going to win you brownie points.


    Hopefully in a few days/weeks he will come around, till then find another cute guy to keep you busy...
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    Oct 17, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    linvect96 said
    He replied saying he was really sorry that I got that impression, he didn't mean that at all, he likes me, wants to hang out with me and "see where it goes", and then asked me if I was still interested in having dinner with him this week. We agreed to and then he ended the convo by saying "we'll talk tomorrow and make plans".

    He's sounds like a flake. You've made your intentions clear. I would have ended that convo with a "let me know when you are free", given that you reached out to him in the past and he kept flaking out on you. I would not have reached out beyond that and I'd leave it completely up to him to reach out to you, If he has any genuine interest in seeing you.

    I've been down this path as well. I always try and move away from flakes as quickly as possible. As far as I can remember I've always dealt with guys this way: I'm dealing with an adult hence I expect responsible adult behavior. Anything less isn't acceptable.
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    I think the guy you met, likes eating corn-flakes- in the morning! icon_smile.gif

    Don't spend so much time with this guy. Don't text him again. It's a wasted time. You've done your part, so it's his turn now. It's up to him, if he's interested seeing you again. It sound like a silent rejection to me. No answer is also an answer. Or no answer means no interest. Many choose this option, who are not brave enough, to say it in your face. Get over it, buddy. There are many cute interesting guys out there.
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:21 PM GMT
    that sucks man. seems to happen pretty frequently though. i'm like you and prefer to be direct and open/honest. if i'm interested, i'll tell the other guy. the same goes if i'm not.

    unfortunately, this isn't all that common. most guys seem to either not know what they want or are unable to not waffle or play games. the sad fact seems to be that easing off and being less available makes these guys more interested. but i don't think it bodes well long term. they're just not looking for the same thing you are.

    i'd bet you a drink that if you don't text him, he'll text you something vague and then disappear again when he's got you back interested and offering your time. he likes the option and the attention but isn't really interested in reciprocating.