Smothered, but I love him.

  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 17, 2012 4:00 AM GMT

    So me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year now, which is my longest relationship ever. At 22 years old (he just turned 29 this year) I'm very happy with things, but lately it's been kind of rocky. We met in Vegas whilst he was on holiday. We instantly hit it off. He was very charming and sexy, confident. He was a real gentleman. He was visiting from England, so the accent was great too. We met last year in September, and after we met he would come visit me every month for a few weeks. After a few months of doing this he asked me to come live with him. So by December I was off to England.

    I was there for about 7 months and things were a bit crazy at first, with me being lonely because I left my family and friends behind, but I quickly was over it. Then he decided that he didn't want to work at his job anymore and just up and quit without telling me. I asked him a few times and he said that he was just taking days off, we'll I finally found out that he quit and I was pissed off but again, I got over it. In his head he thought he was just going to get another job and it would be okay. But the whole time I was there we were struggling, we couldn't do much, barley could afford to eat, but I stuck by him. He was very cranky and lost his confidence a lot. No matter how much I told him he was beautiful he just didn't accept it. He would constantly apologize to me, and say that he didn't mean for it to be like this. Again, I reassured him I wasn't with him for any reason other than him. With all of that, we weren't having sex a lot partly because I just don't have as high of a sex drive as he does and also because he's been stressed and he just wasn't as confident. So then things started coming up like, I didn't find him attractive anymore, or I didn't like having sex with him anymore. I would talk with him and tell him how it was and he would be okay. But it constantly kept coming up, or he would be worried that he wasn't good enough. He said he worried because he never felt like this about anyone and didn't want to lose me. His trust issues and insecurities are starting to drive me insane. I've tried to be understanding and be there for him. But it seems to be no use. It's just like I inadvertently do things that upset him.

    Things like this kept coming up but after he got his job he has now, we had a very good time and nothing was too wrong, there would be times when he would get mad if I partied late. We live in a shared house and we would throw parties, sometimes he would go to bed early and I'd stay up and he'd be mad at me. But I like to be my own person and I told him, if he wants me to go to bed with him, just pull me aside and say, "hey you think you can come snuggle with me?" But he was too proud, and doesn't talk about his feelings which is very frustrating especially because he's the one that has the problem. Back on track, the last 2 months were good we rarely fought, but recently since I've had to come back to Vegas, he has been an absolute dick. He doesn't trust me, if we don't get to talk a lot everyday he starts getting all funny and suggesting that I'm with other men. His last big ex cheated on him, and I knew this from the get go. But he has been so pessimistic it's been driving me Crazy. I feel very smothered and that he's trying too hard to make this relationship perfect. I don't want perfection, I just want my confident, "don't give a fuck," sweet man. And I've told him all of this.

    I'm not sure where I stand. I would love to stay here with my family. It's been great being back home, but I love him just as equally. He's my best friend. But I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore. My heart and head are going head to head and I'm not sure what to think. I don't want to be someone's half, I want him to be a whole, and us share a life together as two individuals. I know it's not fair for me to just say, "change." But it's starting to get tedious. Do we take a break? Do we separate for a few months? Or has this relationship taken its course?


    Thanks for listening.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:10 AM GMT
    Hmmm...this seems to be a tricking situation. You both seem to love each other, but his insecurities and doubt are getting the best of both of you. And the distance away from home doesn't make things any easier. If you truly, honest to God see this man as the 'one' then I say stick around. Things will get better.....and worse. All relationships take hard work.


    If you are doubting if you want to be with him, ask him if he feels the same. If you want to stay in Vegas more than you want to be with him then perhaps it's best if you cut it off now before things get deeper.

    Or this is a long shot, but maybe suggest he stay in Vegas with you????
  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 17, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    Well I don't really believe in fate or "the one" I just think their is always someone better out there. Always someone better looking. To me it's about deciding weather or not you wanna work at spending the rest of your life with them. But now I'm starting to get a bit antsy because I'm still very young, but I don't want to lose him.

    We tried looking into him getting American citizenship, but it is easier for me to live there.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 17, 2012 4:22 AM GMT
    Your call ... but to me a relationship shouldn't be that strained from the get go, sure you'll have some good times but he sounds like he may have an obsessive personality and it will get worse in the future and may even result in some very bad outcome ... stalking ... "if I can't have you, no one can" ... if you get my drift ... personally I would get out while the getting is good
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:38 AM GMT


    "He's my best friend. But I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore. My heart and head are going head to head and I'm not sure what to think. I don't want to be someone's half"

    I can't imagine not wanting to be with a best friend. That's partly why they're best friends, yes?

    I'm not understanding why you'd consider being anyone's half the way you are. You're two wholes.
    It's this: 1 + 1 = 3 Two wholes make something greater than the sum of their parts.

    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Oct 17, 2012 1:04 PM GMT
    It seems like you felt suffocated during your time in England, considering there was no close friends or family to confide with when it's necessary; no space to think at times and feeling trapped. Taking time away from him is the best thing to do to stop and reflect. I've been on both sides of the coin (the smother-er and the smother-ee). I suggest make the most out of being away from each other.

    Do communicate, especially letting him know about your daily activities so that he feels involved in your life during your time apart.

    Continue making the effort to build his self esteem and be transparent. Work through your problems.

    Also make a deadline for yourself so that you do not feel like you're dragging the relationship (2/4 months etc.). If you feel the same 2 or 4 months from now with the same problem coming up, I suggest end it.


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    Oct 17, 2012 1:26 PM GMT
    OmegaOne saidIt seems like you felt suffocated during your time in England, considering there was no close friends or family to confide with when it's necessary; no space to think at times and feeling trapped. Taking time away from him is the best thing to do to stop and reflect. I've been on both sides of the coin (the smother-er and the smother-ee). I suggest make the most out of being away from each other.

    Do communicate, especially letting him know about your daily activities so that he feels involved in your life during your time apart.

    Continue making the effort to build his self esteem and be transparent. Work through your problems.

    Also make a deadline for yourself so that you do not feel like you're dragging the relationship (2/4 months etc.). If you feel the same 2 or 4 months from now with the same problem coming up, I suggest end it.




    Totally agree =]

    I have nothing more to add.
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    Oct 17, 2012 5:24 PM GMT
    Codependent
  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 17, 2012 7:53 PM GMT
    OmegaOne saidIt seems like you felt suffocated during your time in England, considering there was no close friends or family to confide with when it's necessary; no space to think at times and feeling trapped. Taking time away from him is the best thing to do to stop and reflect. I've been on both sides of the coin (the smother-er and the smother-ee). I suggest make the most out of being away from each other.

    Do communicate, especially letting him know about your daily activities so that he feels involved in your life during your time apart.

    Continue making the effort to build his self esteem and be transparent. Work through your problems.

    Also make a deadline for yourself so that you do not feel like you're dragging the relationship (2/4 months etc.). If you feel the same 2 or 4 months from now with the same problem coming up, I suggest end it.





    I think that's the best thing as well. Thanks a lot. icon_smile.gif
  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 17, 2012 7:57 PM GMT
    deltalimen saidCodependent


    Myself or my partner? Or both?
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    Oct 17, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    Look, even though this is the longest you've been in a relationship with him, 1 year is still sometimes not enough to completely get to know a person.
    Not that I'm saying you don't know him at all, just that it takes time to see a person wholly for who they are. It may be that with time he's becoming more himself and you can see parts of his personality you didn't see before, or maybe he wasn't showing as yet until it reached a certain level of comfortability (probably not a word haha).

    Relationships are always going to have their ups and downs, and major ones too but I think what makes the relationship really strong is when you work through problems like this together. On the other side of overcoming, it becomes something that only the two of you share deeply and you will appreciate that about each other. A cliche' yes, but it really portrays unconditional love.

    The key though is honest communication, even when you don't feel like talking about it. I personally don't like to sleep on an argument because I feel overtime it becomes bigger overnight so I'd like things to either be resolved or at least openly communicated about so that resentment doesn't build up. He has to do this alot too since you say he doesn't like to talk about much, but if he doesn't want to lose you, you have to tell him he's got to communicate properly with you.

    At the end of the day, you also have to consider what it is you really want. I'm just saying this merely in observation, but you are 22 and he is 29 and some 22 year olds I've known have always liked the idea of a long term committed relationship, but actually didn't really see them sticking through one since they felt it would be too early to "settle down" with someone.
    Is this the same for you?

    I know you say you love him, but do you see yourself settling down with him now? He's 29 so most likely he's at a stage where he wants that but at 22 you're at a different stage in life than he is (generally speaking, I'm not saying this factually).

    Anyway, I wish you all the best in whatever happens.
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Oct 17, 2012 9:03 PM GMT
    I question how happy are you with YOUR life? In terms of are you doing what you really want to be doing? Are your pursuing your dreams and goals?

    I've been in a very similar situation with an ex, lived with him for a month before the actually permanent move in to decide if I would really like it. Turns out I did not take the move because I wanted to ultimately focus on my life. So what I'm saying to you is, if you decide to move back in with him just make sure that does not make you lose focus of your own life. Which can happen especially when you move in with someone else's house, you can lose your identity of your life and what makes you happy.

    To summarize don't lose focus over your own life because the relationship is still young. Don't allow yourself to give yourself to someone who may be unstable to have a relationship due to deep insecurities who could leave you stranded if you don't have your own life together. He really needs to work on his insecurities if you want this relationship to continue. Good luck.
  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 17, 2012 9:38 PM GMT
    BRoss saidLook, even though this is the longest you've been in a relationship with him, 1 year is still sometimes not enough to completely get to know a person.
    Not that I'm saying you don't know him at all, just that it takes time to see a person wholly for who they are. It may be that with time he's becoming more himself and you can see parts of his personality you didn't see before, or maybe he wasn't showing as yet until it reached a certain level of comfortability (probably not a word haha).

    Relationships are always going to have their ups and downs, and major ones too but I think what makes the relationship really strong is when you work through problems like this together. On the other side of overcoming, it becomes something that only the two of you share deeply and you will appreciate that about each other. A cliche' yes, but it really portrays unconditional love.

    The key though is honest communication, even when you don't feel like talking about it. I personally don't like to sleep on an argument because I feel overtime it becomes bigger overnight so I'd like things to either be resolved or at least openly communicated about so that resentment doesn't build up. He has to do this alot too since you say he doesn't like to talk about much, but if he doesn't want to lose you, you have to tell him he's got to communicate properly with you.

    At the end of the day, you also have to consider what it is you really want. I'm just saying this merely in observation, but you are 22 and he is 29 and some 22 year olds I've known have always liked the idea of a long term committed relationship, but actually didn't really see them sticking through one since they felt it would be too early to "settle down" with someone.
    Is this the same for you?

    I know you say you love him, but do you see yourself settling down with him now? He's 29 so most likely he's at a stage where he wants that but at 22 you're at a different stage in life than he is (generally speaking, I'm not saying this factually).

    Anyway, I wish you all the best in whatever happens.



    Yea, I'm actually the one that's always talking. Feel like I can be quite a nag at times, but like you, I don't like sleeping on things. I want to resolve it here and now. It's not so much that I don't want to settle down, it's more that I don't like that he makes so many future plans. Like he always talks about things like how he wants our lives to be, or how he wants kids in 5 years. I just don't know, if at 27, I will want kids yet. I'm more of a "be about," than a "talk about it." I would rather not think about these things until we are ready to actually do them.

    Thanks for replying. icon_smile.gif
  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 17, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    Amira saidI question how happy are you with YOUR life? In terms of are you doing what you really want to be doing? Are your pursuing your dreams and goals?

    I've been in a very similar situation with an ex, lived with him for a month before the actually permanent move in to decide if I would really like it. Turns out I did not take the move because I wanted to ultimately focus on my life. So what I'm saying to you is, if you decide to move back in with him just make sure that does not make you lose focus of your own life. Which can happen especially when you move in with someone else's house, you can lose your identity of your life and what makes you happy.

    To summarize don't lose focus over your own life because the relationship is still young. Don't allow yourself to give yourself to someone who may be unstable to have a relationship due to deep insecurities who could leave you stranded if you don't have your own life together. He really needs to work on his insecurities if you want this relationship to continue. Good luck.



    Yes I do agree with you. I actually felt like that for the first few months. He was my main provider for everything so I started to lose touch. But I'm fine now. I know what I want to do and how I want to do it.

    Thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    deltalimen saidCodependent


    Codependency always takes two.

    The rules: Be good, Be right, Be perfect, Be strong, Don't have fun, and Always be in control

    You must know the rules before you can break them.
  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 18, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    deltalimen said
    deltalimen saidCodependent


    Codependency always takes two.

    The rules: Be good, Be right, Be perfect, Be strong, Don't have fun, and Always be in control

    You must know the rules before you can break them.



    I never looked at it like that before. Makes perfect sense.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 18, 2012 11:12 PM GMT
    As Tim Gunn would say, you should probably, "Make it work."
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    Oct 19, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    Did u work while u stayed with him in England? Like an actual job, rather than a hobby.

    And also, do u have a steady income now in Vegas? Did/are u in college now?

    I have a point, if u are willing to answer those questions for me.
  • Spica

    Posts: 9

    Oct 21, 2012 7:07 AM GMT
    crossfit7 saidDid u work while u stayed with him in England? Like an actual job, rather than a hobby.

    And also, do u have a steady income now in Vegas? Did/are u in college now?

    I have a point, if u are willing to answer those questions for me.


    I did not work while in England and now I'm looking for work while in Vegas.
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    Oct 21, 2012 7:35 AM GMT
    Well, he obviously has a poor self-image. I think what you need to ask yourself is whether or not he's worth reassuring constantly. I'm the type of person that certainly needs that more than most and I don't have a great deal of self-confidence when it comes to my appearance, but when you hear from enough people [or the people that you truly care about] that you shouldn't have those insecurities, that they don't matter, it becomes easier to manage. Mine probably won't ever go away completely, but they manageable and really only affect me when I'm already upset. Just keep reassuring him when things get rough, because that's when he is going to lose confidence. To me, the most concerning part would be the lying. That's pretty serious to quit your job and not tell your significant other. IDK, I hope this helps a bit.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif