At what point do I become creepy?

  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Oct 17, 2012 9:19 AM GMT
    Hey guys, so I need a reality check here. I have major commitment issues. These commitment issues usually show up at first contact with a guy I'm interested in. It shows up by allowing me to detach enough to see fairly clearly how we are getting along, and I'm being perceived. I don't like this about myself, but I'm typically always in control of how I come across, especially on first dates.

    But now there's this situation, where it's a guy who I have a major man crush on, and for the first time I feel like I don't have control. I like the feeling, don't get me wrong, but I'm concerned he's not interested and at this point maybe I'm pushing too much?

    So it started out with a few messages back and forth on plenty of fish. We hit it off online, had a LOT in common, but then we both got busy. We tried to set up a few dates, I canceled once, he canceled once.

    Then I see him on grindr. We started talking a lot, seemed to hit it off again, exchanged facebooks, exc... From there we tried to set up date... after date... after date... once again he cancelled about as many times as I cancelled. It ended up being around 5 or 6 times total. His excuses were always work related, which I understood (and sounded legit to me). My excuses were always honest. once it was work related, once I got some dates mixed up, and once I was in the process of moving. I'm pretty sure I initiated most of the dates (if not all). We would try and set up a date about once a week or so... nothing excessive.

    So I leave things as they are, and decide "meh, it's just not going to happen." Then I see him after a few months, on grindr again. We message back and forth, and I ask him if he wants to try one final time for a date. He agreed. I haven't texted him back yet... because I'm feeling like a creeper.

    He hasn't done anything to suggest to me that he's not interested. Though he hasn't done much to suggest that he's overly excited about it either (though he's told me already he's the quiet, shy type).

    I dunno... think I should get over my man crush (despite not wanting to ha), and move on, or go ahead and try this one last time? Gawd... so this is what it feels like to have a crush... and not be the one in control... I kinda like it.
  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Oct 17, 2012 10:20 AM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    Bustthewave saidI haven't texted him back yet...

    But you're starting a thread about him? icon_eek.gif TEXT HIM! Immediately....first thing in the morning. You guys have lost all urgency in this. It's gone on long enough; shit or get off the pot. icon_wink.gif

    I was gonna go into a long tome with psychobabble and my own personal experience that a) it's worth it, b) a relationship like you're talking about takes time together, and c) it has to start somewhere (but it has to start!!) But you seem to be expanding from your "control" issues all on your own. Risk: you need to be comfortable in your own life experience and your perpetual efforts to control yourself appropriately to be willing to test yourself in new situations. You won't fail, only learn....and maybe find love (whether for a week or a lifetime) in the process.

    This romance needs someone in the driver's seat....sounds like you're ready to step up. Assume the best until you get data to the contrary. Push to meet him....work through obstacles in a timely fashion. If he's a flake, find out soon...."fail fast" (which just means if it's a waste in time, don't waste unnecessary time finding out.) And in the meantime, keep up that text thing....shit, there's even these things called "phone calls", where you actually can hear each other's voices. icon_razz.gif Start building your relationship NOW, with the tools (and time) you've got. When you both start to see the value of what you're trying to create together, you WILL find the time to spend together for even more.

    Good luck. icon_smile.gif



    ps: Btw, me and my guy met on Plentyoffish.com. icon_biggrin.gif


    Haha thanks for the reply icon_smile.gif. Yea I started the thread as apposed to trying again to initiate something, because I couldn't tell anymore if I was pushing too hard. I'm pretty sure I've been the one to initiate a date 90% of the time, but I also know we've both equally flaked... it's been an online thing now for like 6 months ha.

    So sounds like I should get over my reservations and self-doubt, grow some man balls, and try to set up the billionth attempt to go on a date. Gawd... I've only ever really liked someone AFTER the initial dating. Soooo not used to this. I'm also still wondering if he's too "nice" to tell me he's not interested, but I suppose that falls back on him if I keep trying to initiate something and he only gives positive reactions.

    I'm thinking texting again will be my best bet. I'm thinking of saying something to the effect of, "Here's the deal; I like you. We both have a lot in common, and we both are looking for the same things. Lets do ourselves a favor and have a date already. I'm free bla-de-bla..."
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    Relationships are a lot of work, giving up doesn't get them anywhere. You seem to really want to get to know this guy so take the lead and make having a date a priority. No excuses, no procrastinating, just do it. It's not going to fall into your lap but it might disappear if you don't seize the moment. Good luck!
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:21 PM GMT
    Is cancelling the same thing as saying no because you're too busy? I can't understand how someone could say yes, then not plan for it, or at least figure out a good time for both people. And this happened six times? How someone could have so much disrespect for someone else's time is beyond me. Gays these days...
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:37 PM GMT
    So you each cancelled 6-7 times EACH for a total of maybe 14 cancellations for a 1st date... I think you both have commitment issues and should def move on bud
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 17, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidIs cancelling the same thing as saying no because you're too busy? I can't understand how someone could say yes, then not plan for it, or at least figure out a good time for both people. And this happened six times? How someone could have so much disrespect for someone else's time is beyond me. Gays these days...


    Posts: 778

    Oct 17, 2012 12:37 PM
    So you each cancelled 6-7 times EACH for a total of maybe 14 cancellations for a 1st date... I think you both have commitment issues and should def move on bud


    This.. and this. You two are simply not interested enough in each other to make it happen. Sorry, bud. You need to move on.
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:54 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    Bustthewave saidI haven't texted him back yet...

    But you're starting a thread about him? icon_eek.gif TEXT HIM! Immediately....first thing in the morning. You guys have lost all urgency in this. It's gone on long enough; shit or get off the pot. icon_wink.gif

    I was gonna go into a long tome with psychobabble and my own personal experience that a) it's worth it, b) a relationship like you're talking about takes time together, and c) it has to start somewhere (but it has to start!!) But you seem to be expanding from your "control" issues all on your own. Risk: you need to be comfortable in your own life experience and your perpetual efforts to control yourself appropriately to be willing to test yourself in new situations. You won't fail, only learn....and maybe find love (whether for a week or a lifetime) in the process.

    This romance needs someone in the driver's seat....sounds like you're ready to step up. Assume the best until you get data to the contrary. Push to meet him....work through obstacles in a timely fashion. If he's a flake, find out soon...."fail fast" (which just means if it's a waste in time, don't waste unnecessary time finding out.) And in the meantime, keep up that text thing....shit, there's even these things called "phone calls", where you actually can hear each other's voices. icon_razz.gif Start building your relationship NOW, with the tools (and time) you've got. When you both start to see the value of what you're trying to create together, you WILL find the time to spend together for even more.

    Good luck. icon_smile.gif



    ps: Btw, me and my guy met on Plentyoffish.com. icon_biggrin.gif


    You so smart! Cool reply. icon_cool.gif
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    Oct 17, 2012 4:57 PM GMT


    Okay this a serious matter! I shall not play here icon_biggrin.gif bye
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    Oct 17, 2012 5:00 PM GMT
    PR_GMR said
    SkittleGangsta saidIs cancelling the same thing as saying no because you're too busy? I can't understand how someone could say yes, then not plan for it, or at least figure out a good time for both people. And this happened six times? How someone could have so much disrespect for someone else's time is beyond me. Gays these days...


    Posts: 778

    Oct 17, 2012 12:37 PM
    So you each cancelled 6-7 times EACH for a total of maybe 14 cancellations for a 1st date... I think you both have commitment issues and should def move on bud


    This.. and this. You two are simply not interested enough in each other to make it happen. Sorry, bud. You need to move on.

    These^^^^^^^

    Both of you appear to consider the other as an option and not a priority. As a result nothing is happening.
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    Oct 17, 2012 5:00 PM GMT
    yes text him. make it work #YOLO
  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Oct 17, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidIs cancelling the same thing as saying no because you're too busy? I can't understand how someone could say yes, then not plan for it, or at least figure out a good time for both people. And this happened six times? How someone could have so much disrespect for someone else's time is beyond me. Gays these days...


    This is, in my experience, people in general. And it pisses me off to no end because I never know how I'm supposed to take it. But what I really meant by canceling, in my case, was rescheduling. The two times I remember doing it were fluke incidents that were out of my control. And both of those times there was plenty of notice (as in 3-5 days). But me personally, it takes something pretty big to get me to cancel plans with someone, whether that's a date or a movie with friends.

    Now that I'm thinking about this, I think we tried for a date a total of 4 times... either way that's ridiculously excessive in my book. This all happened right before and at the beginning of summer, before I gave up (we re-connected again, we were both online at the same time, hence the question of - "is it creepy to try again").

    shortmuscleguySo you each cancelled 6-7 times EACH for a total of maybe 14 cancellations for a 1st date... I think you both have commitment issues and should def move on bud


    Yikes, even I have more self esteem than to let something drag out for that many cancelled dates icon_razz.gif. Haha, I've probably explained myself poorly. 6-7 total times max, but the more I think about it, the more I think it was closer to 4-5... which is still excessive, which is why it's giving me pause.



    -------

    Now that I've clarified a few things, I'm thinking it doesn't change what most of you guys have said. Whether it's 4-5 times of cancelled dates, or 15, and whether I canceled/rescheduled all of those times or none, it's pretty clear that there just isn't enough interest, for one party or both.

    Gawd I hate internet dating...

    For the record I'm still contacting him one final time to see what happens.

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    Oct 17, 2012 7:14 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    Bustthewave saidI haven't texted him back yet...

    But you're starting a thread about him? icon_eek.gif TEXT HIM! Immediately....first thing in the morning. You guys have lost all urgency in this. It's gone on long enough; shit or get off the pot. icon_wink.gif


    +111111

    ironically enough, im in exactly the same situation caused by the exact same personality, erm, bottlenecks... ill follow the above mentioned advice icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 17, 2012 7:18 PM GMT
    He's your online buddy. That might be all he is.


    If you guys were really interested, you'd find a way to make things work.

    Maybe you're schedules just aren't compatible. If you want to go out with this guy, first figure out if your busy schedules is a temporary thing or a long-term issue. If it's only short-term, then make a definite plan when you two are less busy and you could continue to chat in the meantime.
    If it's a long-term issue, he just might decide to date someone where this is not an issue.
  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Oct 17, 2012 7:30 PM GMT
    sywlyn said
    yourname2000 said
    Bustthewave saidI haven't texted him back yet...

    But you're starting a thread about him? icon_eek.gif TEXT HIM! Immediately....first thing in the morning. You guys have lost all urgency in this. It's gone on long enough; shit or get off the pot. icon_wink.gif


    +111111

    ironically enough, im in exactly the same situation caused by the exact same personality, erm, bottlenecks... ill follow the above mentioned advice icon_smile.gif


    Haha, gotta say, it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one stuck in internet dating purgatory.
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Oct 17, 2012 8:29 PM GMT
    Yeah... i was much busier when i was in a relationship but still time came easy. call it love ;) anymore I have a hard time making/finding time for guys. Most likely because i just can't prioritize them like i did with 'him'.

    If you find yourself in colorado i'd definitely make time for you though.
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    Oct 17, 2012 9:05 PM GMT
    You're asking for a timeframe, or advice on how to be a better creep?
  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Oct 17, 2012 9:16 PM GMT
    imbrad saidYeah... i was much busier when i was in a relationship but still time came easy. call it love ;) anymore I have a hard time making/finding time for guys. Most likely because i just can't prioritize them like i did with 'him'.

    If you find yourself in colorado i'd definitely make time for you though.


    Nothing like a good old fashioned flirt from a hot guy to make my day icon_biggrin.gif . Flattery will probably get you everywhere.

    JR_RJYou're asking for a timeframe, or advice on how to be a better creep?


    Yes, this is exactly why I posted this thread. It had nothing at all to do with the exact opposite. Unfortunately everyone took my post more or less literally, and so far I've received no advice on how to stalk people, or where to get night vision goggles.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 17, 2012 9:41 PM GMT
    ha ha ha dude, you are crazy. the fact that you two keep running into each other. well sort of. i think is a sign you two should meet up. anyhow, like the Nike ad's state. Dude, just do it
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    Oct 17, 2012 9:47 PM GMT
    Bustthewave said At what point do I become creepy?
    When you turn 40 and still wear a Speedo at the beach.
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    Oct 17, 2012 9:53 PM GMT
    ^^^ Oh hell, Paul.....

    Shut Up664
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    Oct 17, 2012 9:54 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Bustthewave said At what point do I become creepy?
    When you turn 40 and still wear a Speedo at the beach.
    WHAT? Oh now you tell me! Damn. icon_redface.gif
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    Oct 17, 2012 10:01 PM GMT
    I think you should give it a go. If you are being a creep, you would have been ignored/blocked/banned a long time ago.

    Anyways, about cancelling and rescheduling multiple times. Well, you haven't even met that person yet, so the connection may still be a little weak despite having some good "textual" conversation. Meet up face to face and see if a connection is really there, and you will automatically prioritize your time if you are indeed interested in taking a relationship further.
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    Oct 17, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    from what I have learned in life is if you have to ask, "At what point to I become creepy?", then you have already crossed the line.
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    Oct 17, 2012 10:33 PM GMT
    Bustthewave said... it's been an online thing now for like 6 months ha.
    ...


    LOL, and I thought the two months Dave and I took to finally meet was a long time!

    But your plan is sound... force the issue... now or never, on this one. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 17, 2012 10:46 PM GMT
    Doesn't seem to creepy to me. I say just go for it. Hopefully you both remember and find a good day to meet. You'll never know if you don't try.