Diary of an old man

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    Oct 19, 2012 10:01 AM GMT
    A honey sweet melody jets through my mind spritely chants an opera. A song of young love, terror, and forbidden lust. A journey with death so diseased and rotten The Fallen Angel himself could wear it as a trophy on top of his crimsoned skull. This melody is my life in song, a song self-written.


    I love to write descriptively. Books that lay out scenes for me in intricate detail are some of my favorites.

    This story is about an old man, who grew up around the late 1990's-2015's who's writing his book around 2060. It's about his life in general.
    What do you think about the beginning?

    Earlier the demographic was pressed towards teenagers. . . now I've moved it to adults and poets.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Oct 19, 2012 3:51 PM GMT
    I'm finding it really hard to connect with your style of writing to be honest.
    It just doesn't feel personal. Keep writing if it's your passion icon_smile.gif.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 19, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    honestly, it's bad. i mean, you're just stringing words together to make phrases that mean nothing. "archaic terror?" do you know what archaic means? sorry, but this is not how lyricism is done in writing. you need to cut back on your adjectives, adverbs, melodramatic nouns, etc. you're mistaken in thinking lyricism alone will make your prose interesting or engaging. consider the line "when i was ten, my father raped me." nothing you wrote comes close to encompassing the magnitude, honesty, or horror in that simple sentence, and yet you're trying to have a fallen angel wear a trophy of disease on his crimsoned skull. sorry kid, but before you can write lyrically, you gotta learn the basics.
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    Oct 19, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    mecmignon93 saidThis honey sweet melody that jets through my mind spritely chants an opera of young love, archaic terror, forbidden lust and death so diseased and rotten that The Fallen Angel himself wears it as a trophy on top of his caliced and crimsoned skull.


    How that sentence reads right now, the lust is as disturbing as the death.
    The oxford comma would save that lust from being so deranged.

    There is also the pronoun without an antecedent in the first sentence, operas are not normally chanted, and if the terror were archaic it would be so old as to not make sense or be laughable (think Nosferatu).
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Oct 19, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    Your writing style is too flowery...You're talking over teens heads instead of connecting with them....
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    Oct 19, 2012 6:02 PM GMT
    Strikes me as self indulgent, but maybe that's the point. Perhaps readers might better connect with something inspired by your own self description in your profile - for example, even using ten dollar words, something like this:

    "After being pounded in middle school in rural Georgia I expected life in Okinawa to be better, thinking that Japanese guys, being more androgynous than the average redneck, would be more accepting. But these islanders don't fit the stereotype and I'm as different here as I was back home - a multlingual anachronism."
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    Oct 19, 2012 6:02 PM GMT
    I think you are having a lot of fun with words and exploring new ways to use them and express yourself. That is really great. Since you are writing novel, remember that you are writing for others. I agree with the posters above that this style of writing would be difficult for me as a reader to follow. I suspect that your love of expressive words might be interfering with your message.

    It is a good idea to do what you just did: ask for feedback.

    This style of writing would probably work well in poetry.

    But, who knows? You don't become famous for copying everyone else, right? You just have to find the style of writing the speaks to people and keeps them turning pages. Consider your audience. If you want to speak to "the masses", they may not be able to write to this kind of rich imagery. If your audience is artist teens, goth fokds, etc. they will probably really get into it.

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    Oct 20, 2012 2:03 AM GMT
    Rockbiter saidI think you are having a lot of fun with words and exploring new ways to use them and express yourself. That is really great. Since you are writing novel, remember that you are writing for others. I agree with the posters above that this style of writing would be difficult for me as a reader to follow. I suspect that your love of expressive words might be interfering with your message.

    It is a good idea to do what you just did: ask for feedback.

    This style of writing would probably work well in poetry.

    But, who knows? You don't become famous for copying everyone else, right? You just have to find the style of writing the speaks to people and keeps them turning pages. Consider your audience. If you want to speak to "the masses", they may not be able to write to this kind of rich imagery. If your audience is artist teens, goth fokds, etc. they will probably really get into it.



    Thank you very much.
    Normally I do write poetry and this is my first time writing 'free-style' without being forced to make it into an essay for school.
    I am definitely working on it.
    Thanks to everyone for your feedback!
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    Oct 20, 2012 2:16 AM GMT
    mecmignon93 said
    Rockbiter saidI think you are having a lot of fun with words and exploring new ways to use them and express yourself. That is really great. Since you are writing novel, remember that you are writing for others. I agree with the posters above that this style of writing would be difficult for me as a reader to follow. I suspect that your love of expressive words might be interfering with your message.

    It is a good idea to do what you just did: ask for feedback.

    This style of writing would probably work well in poetry.

    But, who knows? You don't become famous for copying everyone else, right? You just have to find the style of writing the speaks to people and keeps them turning pages. Consider your audience. If you want to speak to "the masses", they may not be able to write to this kind of rich imagery. If your audience is artist teens, goth fokds, etc. they will probably really get into it.



    Thank you very much.
    Normally I do write poetry and this is my first time writing 'free-style' without being forced to make it into an essay for school.
    I am definitely working on it.
    Thanks to everyone for your feedback!

    Maybe you should try writing lyrically and see how that effects your writing style?
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    Oct 20, 2012 2:27 AM GMT
    mecmignon93 saidWhat do you think about the beginning paragraph?
    Why is it in English? The native/global language by 2060 will be Spanglish.
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    Oct 20, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    Aristoshark saidFrankly? It's gibberish.
    You forgot to post this:

    5195323122abf2f4e362862417e6a9db.jpg
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    Oct 20, 2012 2:32 AM GMT
    Aristoshark saidFrankly? It's gibberish.


    It's the equivalent of trying to decorate a room by cramming as many gilded things as you can find inside of it.
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    Oct 20, 2012 2:35 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    Aristoshark saidFrankly? It's gibberish.


    It's equivalent of trying to decorate a room by cramming as many gilded things as you can find inside of it.


    Ariodante how hung are u??
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    Oct 20, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    mecmignon93 saidA honey sweet melody jets through my mind is spritely chanting an opera. A song of young love, terror, and forbidden lust. A journey with death so diseased and rotten The Fallen Angel himself could wear it as a trophy on top of his crimsoned skull. This melody is my life in song, a song self-written.
    Your song may be cherubicly enticing, your story may be born from the depths of the earths darkest and coldest corners. This is my story, this is my song.


    From a novelist's perspective: the first paragraph is in general like a freeway on-ramp. The reader is the car that needs to get from 0 to 65 in 3 seconds, and the first paragraph is what gets them there.

    To do so, you need to do two things in a few words: capture attention and connect with the reader. You do promise a lot, which would capture attention, but then you disconnect from the reader by explicitly stating that their journey is not the journey they are going to read about.

    Why would you do that? They already know it, so the emphasis implies unspecified things. Maybe you think their story is boring; maybe you are just not as interested in them as they are supposed to be in you. Not a good start of a relationship, even if it only lasts 50,000 words.

    Instead, you could ponder upon the advice many editors will give you: any good novel starts with a variation of, "It all began with a bang."
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    Oct 20, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    mecmignon93 saidA honey sweet melody jets through my mind spritely chants an opera. A song of young love, terror, and forbidden lust. A journey with death so diseased and rotten The Fallen Angel himself could wear it as a trophy on top of his crimsoned skull. This melody is my life in song, a song self-written.


    Is discordance your intent? Because honey doesn't jet; it drizzles. While honey sweet sounds sticky, not spritely.

    Swirls of sweet melody jet through my mind, an opera etch-a-sketching my life in powdered sugar, a chanted vibrato so sickly sweet it holds me still. How did that tune go again, bump bump bump bump bump young love, bam bam bam bam bam the terror; tap tap tap the forbidden lust, this aria of my youth echoing rapidly against near walls I've built up and bare floors cold against the soles of these old feet. The gravity of my life yanking down the angel himself, his skull splat crimson on the white marble lobby floor.

    Even during intermission, beyond all the musicians in the world and the conductor's resting baton, the melody of my life, this never ending requiem, played on. It doesn't stop. Why the fuck won't that music stop!