Open vs. monogamy

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    Aug 31, 2008 12:54 PM GMT
    Ok all you guys that have been in “LTR” or just “STR” I would like to know how many of you are in monogamist relationships and how many of you are in Open.

    Monogamy…
    Seems to me I’m finding it very hard to find many couples who are in a TRUE monogamist relationship (never have ventured out). I know a couple of couples that think they are but I know one of the partners cheats, this will lead only one end..a bust up.

    Open…
    I know a bunch of open LTR that seem to work…but what is the point? It seems just good friends with benifits....

    Like eating Lay’s potato chips men just can't have just ONE….maybe I’m wrong.

    I would enjoy hearing other thoughts on this…
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    Aug 31, 2008 1:03 PM GMT
    I have a partner for the last 9 years, but we have one FB to keep us company. The deal is we both must be there, but it does keep us interested.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Aug 31, 2008 1:13 PM GMT
    LTR relationship here, open, sometimes together, sometimes not.
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    Aug 31, 2008 2:39 PM GMT


    Monogamous - 19 year anniversary of day we met this Nov and 19 year anniversary of formal commitment this Dec.



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    Aug 31, 2008 3:13 PM GMT
    I misread the title of this as "Oprah vs Monogomy"...

    oprah.jpg

    Sorry... have nothing to actually contribute to the discussion though..
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Aug 31, 2008 3:15 PM GMT
    Monogamous - 3 1/2 years. We did have some problems early on though when bounds had not been established.

    blink777 saidI misread the title of this as "Oprah vs Monogomy"...

    oprah.jpg

    Sorry... have nothing to actually contribute to the discussion though..


    hahaha!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 31, 2008 3:18 PM GMT
    I have found a number of couples who have encouraged me to spice it up for the both of them. I say "thanks", but no.
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    Aug 31, 2008 3:31 PM GMT
    Monogamous here, we're both too greedy to share. I spent two hours on an elaborate joke to trick my bf into thinking I wanted to have a threesome one day. Told him I found a cute bottom on Manhunt that I'd love to see him with and it was ok it wasn't cheating if he had my permission and he became so pissed. It was funny.

    But hey we're still young and when we hit out 30s, 40s, 50s I can't say what we will be. I'd like for us to still be content enough to be monogamous, though.
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    Aug 31, 2008 4:12 PM GMT
    athlete90 saidOk all you guys that have been in “LTR” or just “STR” I would like to know how many of you are in monogamist relationships and how many of you are in Open.

    Monogamy…
    Seems to me I’m finding it very hard to find many couples who are in a TRUE monogamist relationship (never have ventured out). I know a couple of couples that think they are but I know one of the partners cheats, this will lead only one end..a bust up.

    Open…
    I know a bunch of open LTR that seem to work…but what is the point? It seems just good friends with benifits....

    Like eating Lay’s potato chips men just can't have just ONE….maybe I’m wrong.

    I would enjoy hearing other thoughts on this…


    I only know one monogamous gay couple. All the others are whores in one way or another LOL.
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    Aug 31, 2008 4:23 PM GMT
    I would only get into a relationship if its monogamous, that's what the commitment is all about, and why i've only been in one relationship. I think open relationships is too risky as they can allow for contraction of STI's or HIV. I just wouldn't want my man to go elsewhere, it just doesn't make sense for me to be open. I want my man all to myself, call it greedy if need be, but i don't want to share him.

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    Aug 31, 2008 4:51 PM GMT
    zsocerstar saidI would only get into a relationship if its monogamous, that's what the commitment is all about, and why i've only been in one relationship. I think open relationships is too risky as they can allow for contraction of STI's or HIV. I just wouldn't want my man to go elsewhere, it just doesn't make sense for me to be open. I want my man all to myself, call it greedy if need be, but i don't want to share him.



    After hearing you, I want to be monogamous. I've been in an open relation, but that's because we live in two different cities (I moved about a month ago). But I've never been with someone else, he has icon_sad.gif . But that's what we agreed to, until we figure out what to do. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 31, 2008 4:52 PM GMT
    I have never been monogamous, and I was with my BF for 21 years. He wasn't momogamous either, nor was his husband. It's simply the way we're wired, we meaning the three of us; I can't speak for anyone else. I like recreational sex with more than one guy at a time. At least I don't lie about it. But I feel that for any comitted relationship to work if it's an "open" relationship, there must be some form of ground rules that both partners agree and adhere to if they're going to play with others.

    My BF of 21 years is in just that kind of relationship with his husband of over 30 years, and I've seen it work perfectly well for them and for others in similar situations.
  • groundcombat

    Posts: 945

    Aug 31, 2008 4:55 PM GMT
    Well I admit that I used to have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about open relationships, but now I see the possible, for lack of a better word, utility in having one.

    Personally, I don't necessarily relate hot sex with love. Maybe I'm disfunctional, but the more I'm compassionately attracted to someone, the less I need to try and beat up their guts in an inverted pile driver. And just because someone is hot in the sack certainly doesn't mean I want to spend the next day with them, or even cuddle minutes after. That realization led me to wonder if it's even all that reasonable to expect both out of the same person. And while I don't know that I'd be ready to try an open relationship, I think most people's deal is with outside pressures and perceptions than it is the nature of the relationship.

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    Aug 31, 2008 5:17 PM GMT
    zsocerstar saidI would only get into a relationship if its monogamous, that's what the commitment is all about, and why i've only been in one relationship. I think open relationships is too risky as they can allow for contraction of STI's or HIV. I just wouldn't want my man to go elsewhere, it just doesn't make sense for me to be open. I want my man all to myself, call it greedy if need be, but i don't want to share him.



    This is how I feel.
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    Aug 31, 2008 5:34 PM GMT
    LutherGooch saidI have a partner for the last 9 years, but we have one FB to keep us company. The deal is we both must be there, but it does keep us interested.


    I'm curious about the FB. To what extent are you guys concerned about his feelings? (This sounds judgmental, but it isn't. I am just asking for information.)

    Does he have any "rights"? I mean, can he count on you as friend? Do you worry about the fact that you've committed to one another, but are counting him as an "amusement?"

    Again, please don't think that a condemnation, but I was reacting to "...it.does keep us interested..."

    John
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    Aug 31, 2008 5:41 PM GMT
    If my boyfriend wanted an open relationship, I'd take a deep breath, show him to the open door, and lock it behind him. 'Course, I can't say never...but at this point in our relationship, I can't imagine other playtoys being something I'd be comfortable with.
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    Aug 31, 2008 5:43 PM GMT


    After reading these posts, I thought I'd add a little more.

    When you're in a monogamous relationship, you will often endure ostracism for not being 'available' or for not having any 'potential'. Many ignore or avoid you because they think you're some sort of universe unto itself. Or that they think that we think we're (for some insane reason) better than everyone else.icon_rolleyes.gif
    Some get extremely angry, telling you you're liars right to your face, or ask what's wrong (health).

    Some tell you you must be emotionally needy or dysfunctional or co-dependent. That last makes us laugh because many don't really know what that means.

    This might explain why so many of you know so few monogamous couples. Many are on the DL as it's just not worth the trouble and heartache striving for equality and acceptance.

    There are some other monogamous couples on here that haven't come forward to this thread yet, and we're hoping they do. Though it's nice to know other monogamous couples, it's just as great, cool and sometimes better to know a lot of open LTR guys and single guys too.

    (walks back into Hobbit house and closes door after sweeping unused 'Welcome!' mat)
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    Aug 31, 2008 5:47 PM GMT
    zdrew saidIf my boyfriend wanted an open relationship, I'd take a deep breath, show him to the open door, and lock it behind him. 'Course, I can't say never...but at this point in our relationship, I can't imagine other playtoys being something I'd be comfortable with.


    i completely agree. I used to be able to sleep with someone and not feel any sort of emotional attachment to them or anything, now i can't sleep with someone with at least feeling some sort of connection with them. The moment i find out someone cheats on me is the moment i dump their ass (and yes i tell them this). My ex like to do group stuff in the past, but before getting together i told him i wouldn't and if he can't handle that he can leave. Glad to still be on real good terms with him though, long distance is hard to do icon_sad.gif

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    Aug 31, 2008 5:50 PM GMT
    zdrew saidIf my boyfriend wanted an open relationship, I'd take a deep breath, show him to the open door, and lock it behind him. 'Course, I can't say never...but at this point in our relationship, I can't imagine other playtoys being something I'd be comfortable with.


    I'm right there with you Z... I'd do the exact same thing.
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    Aug 31, 2008 5:56 PM GMT
    and to follow up what i just said, or rather clear up any misconceptions, i don't fool around with anyone until i'm dating them. So in having that rule, i'm not a whore and remain being classy.

    I think that open relationships feeds into societies view of gays and that we just want to sleep around. Sure there's an emotional attachment with any sort of relationship, but whoring around with multiple partners rather in an open relationship or not will further feed society to think gays can't hold a relationship. So in my opinion.. thats probably a good reason why they think gays shouldn't get married (for those who think it at least). Hope that made sense?
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    Aug 31, 2008 6:04 PM GMT
    ..........................................................custard-slice_1.jpg

    ..........................................................Hey, back offa my custard, asshole!

    I guess I'm a little naive never having been in a very long substained relationship, but I can picture it. I aim to have it happen someday soon. Call it PRIDE, but hell no I don't want my man fucking around with my blessing. I guess if it were just sex, like when one of my trixx fucks someone else, I don't care. But, in a relationship, so many feelings. In addition, I'm all about maintaining a good image: people talk, people point; I don't want to be the poor lady everyone knows her husband screws three college freshmen a week. Please, open Relationship enthusiast, don't try to convince me otherwise. I'll admit it is a viable relationship structure for some men, but for me, it just wouldn't work. I don't like to share. Ok, maybe you can borrow some sugar if you need it neighbor, but that hot hunky pussy in the sitting room with his feet up is mine!icon_evil.gif

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    Aug 31, 2008 6:18 PM GMT
    Monogamy
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    Aug 31, 2008 6:25 PM GMT
    zsocerstar said, but whoring around with multiple partners rather in an open relationship or not will further feed society to think gays can't hold a relationship.


    I am not in an Open Relationship. So that's the context for what I am about to say.

    We've had Forum threads on this before. What I don't understand is the sense of condemnation some make on the choices that others make. zsocerstar, whether you know it or not, you did "condemn."

    And it's so unconscious for some of you to condemn, you don't even realize it....look at the above captioned statement....the portion that says "...but whoring around...."

    zsocerstar, for those in an Open Relationship in which another partner or partners is/are allowed, that's not "whoring" around. You might consider it so, but it's not. Whoring around is, I guess, sleeping around haphazardly. That's not what's at issue here.

    What's at issue here is that some couples are Open...and it works. You guys who say that it wouldn't work for you, that's fine. But to say it wouldn't work for you and it can't possibly work for others, is self-centered. Your view of the world is not necessarily the only view possible that is legitimate.

    I know several couples who are "open" and are still together in a loving relationship after a decade or more. It works for them. If it doesn't work for you, fine. But it's a legitimate way of having a relationship.

    And as to the straight world and their judgment. I give a flying f**k. Give me a break. The divorce rate, the amount of "cheating" and "women on the side" that goes on for straight guys is, I am willing to bet, no more marked than it is in the gay community. So if "straights" want to say that Open Relationships prove that gay men can't have a "relationship", they better hold a mirror up and look at themselves very closely.

    John
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    Aug 31, 2008 6:43 PM GMT
    i know i was condemning it, and clearly stated that for the reason that i don't think its right. Sure its my personal opinion but i have a strong distaste for those who can't be faithful to their partners, or need to introduce someone else into the picture. It may work for some people, and more power to ya if it does, but it just shows a lot about someones character.

    I'm not saying open relationships don't work, almost all the profiles that i've seen who are in a relationship are open. I just don't think it should be looked up upon, call me a romantic conservative maybe, but i think it should remain only a couple.. not couple+1 on the side


    The majority of divorce (i think its 52%) has been because of financial difficulty. Sure there is cheating and whatnot, but thats not the main reason they have divorce, but i do see your point to try to defend why society would or would not think gays can hold a relationship. I dont' care if they do or don't, it just happen to be a thought of mine. And to be honest i doubt a lot of them have women on the side.. most (here atleast) understand that once they're married, it comes with responsibilities, and failing to hold to those isn't an option. In speaking with several married men myself, cheating would be a failure of that duty and make them "less of a man", as my friend said
  • groundcombat

    Posts: 945

    Aug 31, 2008 6:47 PM GMT
    zsocerstar saidand to follow up what i just said, or rather clear up any misconceptions, i don't fool around with anyone until i'm dating them. So in having that rule, i'm not a whore and remain being classy.

    I think that open relationships feeds into societies view of gays and that we just want to sleep around. Sure there's an emotional attachment with any sort of relationship, but whoring around with multiple partners rather in an open relationship or not will further feed society to think gays can't hold a relationship. So in my opinion.. thats probably a good reason why they think gays shouldn't get married (for those who think it at least). Hope that made sense?


    Since when has society's expectations and preceptions of gays been a good reason to do anything? If society has their way, we'd all be with women.