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Aug 31, 2008 12:54 PM GMT
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Ok all you guys that have been in “LTR” or just “STR” I would like to know how many of you are in monogamist relationships and how many of you are in Open.
Monogamy…
Seems to me I’m finding it very hard to find many couples who are in a TRUE monogamist relationship (never have ventured out). I know a couple of couples that think they are but I know one of the partners cheats, this will lead only one end..a bust up.
Open…
I know a bunch of open LTR that seem to work…but what is the point? It seems just good friends with benifits....
Like eating Lay’s potato chips men just can't have just ONE….maybe I’m wrong.
I would enjoy hearing other thoughts on this…
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Aug 31, 2008 1:03 PM GMT
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I have a partner for the last 9 years, but we have one FB to keep us company. The deal is we both must be there, but it does keep us interested.
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Aug 31, 2008 1:13 PM GMT
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LTR relationship here, open, sometimes together, sometimes not.
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Aug 31, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
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Monogamous - 19 year anniversary of day we met this Nov and 19 year anniversary of formal commitment this Dec.
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Aug 31, 2008 3:13 PM GMT
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I misread the title of this as "Oprah vs Monogomy"...  Sorry... have nothing to actually contribute to the discussion though.. |
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Aug 31, 2008 3:15 PM GMT
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Monogamous - 3 1/2 years. We did have some problems early on though when bounds had not been established. blink777 saidI misread the title of this as "Oprah vs Monogomy"...
Sorry... have nothing to actually contribute to the discussion though.. hahaha! |
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Aug 31, 2008 3:18 PM GMT
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I have found a number of couples who have encouraged me to spice it up for the both of them. I say "thanks", but no.
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Aug 31, 2008 3:31 PM GMT
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Monogamous here, we're both too greedy to share. I spent two hours on an elaborate joke to trick my bf into thinking I wanted to have a threesome one day. Told him I found a cute bottom on Manhunt that I'd love to see him with and it was ok it wasn't cheating if he had my permission and he became so pissed. It was funny.
But hey we're still young and when we hit out 30s, 40s, 50s I can't say what we will be. I'd like for us to still be content enough to be monogamous, though.
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Aug 31, 2008 4:12 PM GMT
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athlete90 saidOk all you guys that have been in “LTR” or just “STR” I would like to know how many of you are in monogamist relationships and how many of you are in Open.
Monogamy…
Seems to me I’m finding it very hard to find many couples who are in a TRUE monogamist relationship (never have ventured out). I know a couple of couples that think they are but I know one of the partners cheats, this will lead only one end..a bust up.
Open…
I know a bunch of open LTR that seem to work…but what is the point? It seems just good friends with benifits....
Like eating Lay’s potato chips men just can't have just ONE….maybe I’m wrong.
I would enjoy hearing other thoughts on this…
I only know one monogamous gay couple. All the others are whores in one way or another LOL. |
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Aug 31, 2008 4:23 PM GMT
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I would only get into a relationship if its monogamous, that's what the commitment is all about, and why i've only been in one relationship. I think open relationships is too risky as they can allow for contraction of STI's or HIV. I just wouldn't want my man to go elsewhere, it just doesn't make sense for me to be open. I want my man all to myself, call it greedy if need be, but i don't want to share him.
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Aug 31, 2008 4:51 PM GMT
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zsocerstar saidI would only get into a relationship if its monogamous, that's what the commitment is all about, and why i've only been in one relationship. I think open relationships is too risky as they can allow for contraction of STI's or HIV. I just wouldn't want my man to go elsewhere, it just doesn't make sense for me to be open. I want my man all to myself, call it greedy if need be, but i don't want to share him.
After hearing you, I want to be monogamous. I've been in an open relation, but that's because we live in two different cities (I moved about a month ago). But I've never been with someone else, he has  . But that's what we agreed to, until we figure out what to do.  |
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Aug 31, 2008 4:52 PM GMT
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I have never been monogamous, and I was with my BF for 21 years. He wasn't momogamous either, nor was his husband. It's simply the way we're wired, we meaning the three of us; I can't speak for anyone else. I like recreational sex with more than one guy at a time. At least I don't lie about it. But I feel that for any comitted relationship to work if it's an "open" relationship, there must be some form of ground rules that both partners agree and adhere to if they're going to play with others.
My BF of 21 years is in just that kind of relationship with his husband of over 30 years, and I've seen it work perfectly well for them and for others in similar situations.
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Aug 31, 2008 4:55 PM GMT
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Well I admit that I used to have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about open relationships, but now I see the possible, for lack of a better word, utility in having one.
Personally, I don't necessarily relate hot sex with love. Maybe I'm disfunctional, but the more I'm compassionately attracted to someone, the less I need to try and beat up their guts in an inverted pile driver. And just because someone is hot in the sack certainly doesn't mean I want to spend the next day with them, or even cuddle minutes after. That realization led me to wonder if it's even all that reasonable to expect both out of the same person. And while I don't know that I'd be ready to try an open relationship, I think most people's deal is with outside pressures and perceptions than it is the nature of the relationship.
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Aug 31, 2008 5:17 PM GMT
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zsocerstar saidI would only get into a relationship if its monogamous, that's what the commitment is all about, and why i've only been in one relationship. I think open relationships is too risky as they can allow for contraction of STI's or HIV. I just wouldn't want my man to go elsewhere, it just doesn't make sense for me to be open. I want my man all to myself, call it greedy if need be, but i don't want to share him.
This is how I feel. |
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Aug 31, 2008 5:34 PM GMT
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LutherGooch saidI have a partner for the last 9 years, but we have one FB to keep us company. The deal is we both must be there, but it does keep us interested. I'm curious about the FB. To what extent are you guys concerned about his feelings? (This sounds judgmental, but it isn't. I am just asking for information.) Does he have any "rights"? I mean, can he count on you as friend? Do you worry about the fact that you've committed to one another, but are counting him as an "amusement?" Again, please don't think that a condemnation, but I was reacting to "...it.does keep us interested..." John |
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Aug 31, 2008 5:41 PM GMT
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If my boyfriend wanted an open relationship, I'd take a deep breath, show him to the open door, and lock it behind him. 'Course, I can't say never...but at this point in our relationship, I can't imagine other playtoys being something I'd be comfortable with.
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Aug 31, 2008 5:43 PM GMT
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After reading these posts, I thought I'd add a little more. When you're in a monogamous relationship, you will often endure ostracism for not being 'available' or for not having any 'potential'. Many ignore or avoid you because they think you're some sort of universe unto itself. Or that they think that we think we're (for some insane reason) better than everyone else. Some get extremely angry, telling you you're liars right to your face, or ask what's wrong (health). Some tell you you must be emotionally needy or dysfunctional or co-dependent. That last makes us laugh because many don't really know what that means. This might explain why so many of you know so few monogamous couples. Many are on the DL as it's just not worth the trouble and heartache striving for equality and acceptance. There are some other monogamous couples on here that haven't come forward to this thread yet, and we're hoping they do. Though it's nice to know other monogamous couples, it's just as great, cool and sometimes better to know a lot of open LTR guys and single guys too. (walks back into Hobbit house and closes door after sweeping unused 'Welcome!' mat) |
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Aug 31, 2008 5:47 PM GMT
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zdrew saidIf my boyfriend wanted an open relationship, I'd take a deep breath, show him to the open door, and lock it behind him. 'Course, I can't say never...but at this point in our relationship, I can't imagine other playtoys being something I'd be comfortable with. i completely agree. I used to be able to sleep with someone and not feel any sort of emotional attachment to them or anything, now i can't sleep with someone with at least feeling some sort of connection with them. The moment i find out someone cheats on me is the moment i dump their ass (and yes i tell them this). My ex like to do group stuff in the past, but before getting together i told him i wouldn't and if he can't handle that he can leave. Glad to still be on real good terms with him though, long distance is hard to do |
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Aug 31, 2008 5:50 PM GMT
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zdrew saidIf my boyfriend wanted an open relationship, I'd take a deep breath, show him to the open door, and lock it behind him. 'Course, I can't say never...but at this point in our relationship, I can't imagine other playtoys being something I'd be comfortable with. I'm right there with you Z... I'd do the exact same thing. |
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Aug 31, 2008 5:56 PM GMT
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and to follow up what i just said, or rather clear up any misconceptions, i don't fool around with anyone until i'm dating them. So in having that rule, i'm not a whore and remain being classy.
I think that open relationships feeds into societies view of gays and that we just want to sleep around. Sure there's an emotional attachment with any sort of relationship, but whoring around with multiple partners rather in an open relationship or not will further feed society to think gays can't hold a relationship. So in my opinion.. thats probably a good reason why they think gays shouldn't get married (for those who think it at least). Hope that made sense?
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Aug 31, 2008 6:04 PM GMT
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.......................................................... ..........................................................Hey, back offa my custard, asshole! I guess I'm a little naive never having been in a very long substained relationship, but I can picture it. I aim to have it happen someday soon. Call it PRIDE, but hell no I don't want my man fucking around with my blessing. I guess if it were just sex, like when one of my trixx fucks someone else, I don't care. But, in a relationship, so many feelings. In addition, I'm all about maintaining a good image: people talk, people point; I don't want to be the poor lady everyone knows her husband screws three college freshmen a week. Please, open Relationship enthusiast, don't try to convince me otherwise. I'll admit it is a viable relationship structure for some men, but for me, it just wouldn't work. I don't like to share. Ok, maybe you can borrow some sugar if you need it neighbor, but that hot hunky pussy in the sitting room with his feet up is mine! 
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Aug 31, 2008 6:18 PM GMT
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Monogamy
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Aug 31, 2008 6:25 PM GMT
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zsocerstar said, but whoring around with multiple partners rather in an open relationship or not will further feed society to think gays can't hold a relationship. I am not in an Open Relationship. So that's the context for what I am about to say. We've had Forum threads on this before. What I don't understand is the sense of condemnation some make on the choices that others make. zsocerstar, whether you know it or not, you did "condemn." And it's so unconscious for some of you to condemn, you don't even realize it....look at the above captioned statement....the portion that says "...but whoring around...." zsocerstar, for those in an Open Relationship in which another partner or partners is/are allowed, that's not "whoring" around. You might consider it so, but it's not. Whoring around is, I guess, sleeping around haphazardly. That's not what's at issue here. What's at issue here is that some couples are Open...and it works. You guys who say that it wouldn't work for you, that's fine. But to say it wouldn't work for you and it can't possibly work for others, is self-centered. Your view of the world is not necessarily the only view possible that is legitimate. I know several couples who are "open" and are still together in a loving relationship after a decade or more. It works for them. If it doesn't work for you, fine. But it's a legitimate way of having a relationship. And as to the straight world and their judgment. I give a flying f**k. Give me a break. The divorce rate, the amount of "cheating" and "women on the side" that goes on for straight guys is, I am willing to bet, no more marked than it is in the gay community. So if "straights" want to say that Open Relationships prove that gay men can't have a "relationship", they better hold a mirror up and look at themselves very closely. John |
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Aug 31, 2008 6:43 PM GMT
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i know i was condemning it, and clearly stated that for the reason that i don't think its right. Sure its my personal opinion but i have a strong distaste for those who can't be faithful to their partners, or need to introduce someone else into the picture. It may work for some people, and more power to ya if it does, but it just shows a lot about someones character.
I'm not saying open relationships don't work, almost all the profiles that i've seen who are in a relationship are open. I just don't think it should be looked up upon, call me a romantic conservative maybe, but i think it should remain only a couple.. not couple+1 on the side
The majority of divorce (i think its 52%) has been because of financial difficulty. Sure there is cheating and whatnot, but thats not the main reason they have divorce, but i do see your point to try to defend why society would or would not think gays can hold a relationship. I dont' care if they do or don't, it just happen to be a thought of mine. And to be honest i doubt a lot of them have women on the side.. most (here atleast) understand that once they're married, it comes with responsibilities, and failing to hold to those isn't an option. In speaking with several married men myself, cheating would be a failure of that duty and make them "less of a man", as my friend said
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Aug 31, 2008 6:47 PM GMT
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zsocerstar saidand to follow up what i just said, or rather clear up any misconceptions, i don't fool around with anyone until i'm dating them. So in having that rule, i'm not a whore and remain being classy.
I think that open relationships feeds into societies view of gays and that we just want to sleep around. Sure there's an emotional attachment with any sort of relationship, but whoring around with multiple partners rather in an open relationship or not will further feed society to think gays can't hold a relationship. So in my opinion.. thats probably a good reason why they think gays shouldn't get married (for those who think it at least). Hope that made sense? Since when has society's expectations and preceptions of gays been a good reason to do anything? If society has their way, we'd all be with women. |
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Aug 31, 2008 6:55 PM GMT
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groundcombat said
Since when has society's expectations and preceptions of gays been a good reason to do anything? If society has their way, we'd all be with women. Hey every bit of good image helps. The moment society can see us as being close to them to some extent is when they wont care anymore and be more accepting. I'd like to think it wouldn't matter at all, but it will still be several years before we can have a society that truly accepts us (politically and socially speaking). Its only when people are different that allows everyone else try to exile them. As the famous Japanese saying goes .. "the nail that sticks out, must be hammered down" |
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Aug 31, 2008 6:58 PM GMT
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zsocerstar saidgroundcombat said
Since when has society's expectations and preceptions of gays been a good reason to do anything? If society has their way, we'd all be with women.
Hey every bit of good image helps. The moment society can see us as being close to them to some extent is when they wont care anymore and be more accepting. I'd like to think it wouldn't matter at all, but it will still be several years before we can have a society that truly accepts us (politically and socially speaking). Its only when people are different that allows everyone else try to exile them. As the famous Japanese saying goes .. "the nail that sticks out, must be hammered down"
Can't contain self.... what does it say about the penis that sticks out? |
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Aug 31, 2008 7:00 PM GMT
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DCEric saidzsocerstar saidgroundcombat said
Since when has society's expectations and preceptions of gays been a good reason to do anything? If society has their way, we'd all be with women.
Hey every bit of good image helps. The moment society can see us as being close to them to some extent is when they wont care anymore and be more accepting. I'd like to think it wouldn't matter at all, but it will still be several years before we can have a society that truly accepts us (politically and socially speaking). Its only when people are different that allows everyone else try to exile them. As the famous Japanese saying goes .. "the nail that sticks out, must be hammered down"
Can't contain self.... what does it say about the penis that sticks out? hahaha well i guess for those who it pertains to... sit on it?  |
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Aug 31, 2008 7:09 PM GMT
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zsocerstar saidgroundcombat said
Since when has society's expectations and preceptions of gays been a good reason to do anything? If society has their way, we'd all be with women.
Hey every bit of good image helps. The moment society can see us as being close to them to some extent is when they wont care anymore and be more accepting. I'd like to think it wouldn't matter at all, but it will still be several years before we can have a society that truly accepts us (politically and socially speaking). Its only when people are different that allows everyone else try to exile them. As the famous Japanese saying goes .. "the nail that sticks out, must be hammered down"
Very true. Although it might be a little idealistic, I'd like to have society accept us not because of how much we can be like them, but rather because accepting others even if they're different than you is the right thing to do. I think Dr. King would roll over in his grave with the idea the segregation met its demise simply becasue black people proved how "white" they could be. |
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Aug 31, 2008 7:12 PM GMT
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groundcombat saidzsocerstar saidgroundcombat said
Since when has society's expectations and preceptions of gays been a good reason to do anything? If society has their way, we'd all be with women.
Hey every bit of good image helps. The moment society can see us as being close to them to some extent is when they wont care anymore and be more accepting. I'd like to think it wouldn't matter at all, but it will still be several years before we can have a society that truly accepts us (politically and socially speaking). Its only when people are different that allows everyone else try to exile them. As the famous Japanese saying goes .. "the nail that sticks out, must be hammered down"
Very true. Although it might be a little idealistic, I'd like to have society accept us not because of how much we can be like them, but rather because accepting others even if they're different than you is the right thing to do. I think Dr. King would roll over in his grave with the idea the segregation met its demise simply becasue black people proved how "white" they could be. very good point.. and i agree with you there. sadly not too many people ever see the right thing to do, as it would solve many of or problems today |
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Aug 31, 2008 7:12 PM GMT
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I'm into one on one.
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Aug 31, 2008 7:45 PM GMT
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*opens Hobbit door, comes out, stands on mat no one has used yet*
Ok, we agree with fastprof who kindly pointed out,
"What I don't understand is the sense of condemnation some make on the choices that others make. zsocerstar, whether you know it or not, you did "condemn."
And it's so unconscious for some of you to condemn, you don't even realize it....look at the above captioned statement....the portion that says "...but whoring around...."
zsocerstar, for those in an Open Relationship in which another partner or partners is/are allowed, that's not "whoring" around. You might consider it so, but it's not. Whoring around is, I guess, sleeping around haphazardly. That's not what's at issue here.
What's at issue here is that some couples are Open...and it works. You guys who say that it wouldn't work for you, that's fine. But to say it wouldn't work for you and it can't possibly work for others, is self-centered. Your view of the world is not necessarily the only view possible that is legitimate."
The kind of condemnation fastprof speaks of gives monogamy an ugly taint, that of being judgemental - if any remember my post on this topic, some think that we think we're better than most others. It's the above examples of condemnation that reasonably makes them think this way!
Peace guys (never thought I'd say that). Each to his own!
Having a relationship that enriches and makes your life spectacular, fulfilling and wonderful is way more important than the kind of relationship it is!!
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Aug 31, 2008 8:11 PM GMT
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meninlove said
Having a relationship that enriches and makes your life spectacular, fulfilling and wonderful is way more important than the kind of relationship it is!!
So well said, meninlove. Exactly my position. Thanks. John |
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Aug 31, 2008 8:16 PM GMT
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Monogamy is the only way I roll  |
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Aug 31, 2008 8:41 PM GMT
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I believe in monogomy. But monogomy doesn't believe in me. It's been a problem in all my relationships. Apparently, I date cheaters.
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Aug 31, 2008 8:58 PM GMT
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Hey zrs,
Both of us were in the same boat as you until we met.
We found that if we stated the kind of relationship we expected real early in the dance, they took off pretty quick. That same technique enabled us to find each other, easier.
There was initial shock. Doug and Bill's first date, after several hours of talking,
"You..er, what?" Big blush. "Me, too!" and we went on from there.
Until we met, it sure scared off a lot of guys.
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Aug 31, 2008 9:27 PM GMT
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I have always chosen monogamous, but it seems like that is very hard to come by. Especially when you are both from very different backgrounds. I have had past relations including my most recent go sour because I didn't establish what was acceptable and once my partner goes elsewhere I more or less want nothing to do with that person. At least right now in my life I would choose monogamy. Seems men like multiple partners but there's a few and most LTR seem like they are open. Good luck for those choosing the long haul together! |
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Aug 31, 2008 9:39 PM GMT
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I'm currently single, but so into monogamy. I'm also greedy, so I'm not good at sharing a bf. I'm also self centered, so not very good in a threesome. The commitment & trust in monogomy enhaces the relationship for me.
I also feel zsocerstar raises some interesting points. Society tends to demonize differences.
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Aug 31, 2008 9:43 PM GMT
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Definately would have to be monogamous...I can't even imagine the thought of my boyfriend sleeping around or at least having the chance. I'm pretty hands on, and monogamous is the only way...Anything outside of that could equal instant break-up for me.
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Aug 31, 2008 9:47 PM GMT
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I've always valued and highly rated monogamy, and hope one day to find that special someone to be monogamous with.
Recently sort of dated a guy, who didn't want to be tied down... and it scared me because I would've changed my values and considered something open just because I liked him so much. Alas it was not meant to be and it ended anyway.
Oh well. I want to believe.
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Aug 31, 2008 10:17 PM GMT
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I couldn't be in a relationship with someone and then sleep with someone else. I don't fault people who do this nor do I feel any kind of empathy or sympathy when certain things happen to them. It's their life and they have every right to live it as they please.
I know me well enough to know that I'm a "one man" kind of guy. If I was going to be promiscuious then I wouldn't bother being in a relationship out of respect for myself and others.
I say kudos to the people who can have that type of life and make it work. It's just not for me and it's not something I want to have deal with.
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Aug 31, 2008 10:26 PM GMT
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I posted this question which I'm sure has been discussed many times here but I have never seen it.
I'm struggling with all this since I been in a LTR which ended when I found out that my other half had been cheating on me when he was on the road. We are great friends now but I was very hurt at the time. I have asked him since we became friends, why? His answer. "I don't know". We had sex, great sex according to him. So I'm left with the question why did he do it??
Now I'm with a wonderful man who think monogamy is a recipe for disaster. He believes that sex and love are two different things. Are they???
he has pull back and been honest with me but I don't see that lasting forever. Do I love him? You bet! ....
How many out there were in monogamist relationships only to have them turn open after 10 or more years??
Well one thing is for sure, life is just chuck full of surprises and challenges!
Thanks to all that have responded!
D
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Aug 31, 2008 10:29 PM GMT
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Wow. Suddenly we don't feel so odd-ball. We sure hope some of you guys get to know each other!
*opens Hobbit door wide, goes in and leaves it open...a short time later the smell of baking desserts comes wafting out..*
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Aug 31, 2008 11:08 PM GMT
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I have two long term relationships. I am committed to them both. I support monogamy within polygamy.  If more people could have more than one long term bf, then there would be less cheating. I am yet, myself to encounter, one long term gay monogamous relationship. Long term. 5 years or more. BIG LOVE. |
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Aug 31, 2008 11:14 PM GMT
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Pattison, you are a sweet man. Allow me to introduce ourselves. This is Bill, (waves) and I am Doug. There, now you've encountered one LTR monogamous couple - more than 5 years. There's also several more you've encountered on this site, which you really should add to your list. |
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Aug 31, 2008 11:22 PM GMT
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sex and love are not the same thing. That belief is a recipie for disaster. They are intertwined to varying levels of comlpexity depending on the individual. The problem is that many believe that their own context is the "correct one" and all others are faulty. Ideally you find someone who thinks exactly like you. If they don't, then you'd better accept them as they are if you want that relationship to work. If your are 'forgiving' someone for being not onlywho they are, but exactly who they told you they were, then they deserve someone better.
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Aug 31, 2008 11:22 PM GMT
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meninlove said
Pattison, you are a sweet man.
Allow me to introduce ourselves. This is Bill, (waves) and I am Doug.
There, now you've encountered one LTR monogamous couple
- more than 5 years. There's also several more you've encountered on this site, which you really should add to your list. One dose not doubt what you say. Yet for me, on such things, actions speak louder than words. I've know people to claim they are in a monogamous relationship; yet their actions say diffrent. On this I'm only going on, what I've seen, and not what I hear. G'day Bill and Doug. Being in two long term relationships. Also has a lot to do with why One has nothing to do with the gay community. I get everything I need from me two men, and me friends fill in the gaps. |
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Aug 31, 2008 11:47 PM GMT
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Curiouser and curiouser.
Good Pattison, you say, "Being in two long term relationships. Also has a lot to do with why One has nothing to do with the gay community. I get everything I need from me two men, and me friends fill in the gaps."
This site is a gay community, of which you are a part thereof, by posting and interacting with ourselves and others here... (thought you should know)
cheers! -Doug
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Sep 01, 2008 12:01 AM GMT
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Hey athlete90,
Thanks for your topic. You were saying,
"Now I'm with a wonderful man who think monogamy is a recipe for disaster. He believes that sex and love are two different things. Are they???"
..and I'll offer this up. For him they are separate. Absolutely. Sex and/or love are, like beauty, solely in the eye of the beholder. For us, sex and love are intertwined and impossible to disentangle. As we both feel this way, monogamy is an ideal state for us, and by its number of people involved, less complicated. It sounds like your current guy may find that combination a little toxic, for him.
If you're emotionally supple and resilient enough to accommodate that, all the more bliss to you! You can only find out by experimentation, unless you already know that an open relationship is equally toxic for you. And we both feel you should approach it VERY safely from a 'stay healthy' perspective.
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Sep 01, 2008 12:27 AM GMT
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meninlove said
Curiouser and curiouser.
Good Pattison, you say, "Being in two long term relationships. Also has a lot to do with why One has nothing to do with the gay community. I get everything I need from me two men, and me friends fill in the gaps."
This site is a gay community, of which you are a part thereof, by posting and interacting with ourselves and others here... (thought you should know)
cheers! -Doug
Thanks for letting one know this. My confusion is over! This is One's only interaction with the gay community, yet we also have bi's here, and a few str8s too,as well the only fag in the village. Sorry for not being clear. One meant doing bars and clubs, parades, raves, and such, where I feel like a fish out of water. Something I am yet to do once this year, be out and about in the gay community. Here One can go and talk with a guy, and there is no suggestion, One may be out for something other than conversation. Where at a bar or whatever. You walk up to a guy, and the assumption is, you are on the make. Well I don't walk up to people in a bar anyways, they come to me, and when I have stated I'm in a committed relationship[s], they soon walk away again. Also you can see on One's profile, it states friend, and no cam. This is the only gay site One goes to, and not sure it's the same as doing the gay scene. One may have a few friends here, but not sure they would come under the banner of a mate. The reason One has nothing do do with other sites, is they are more for cursing, and picking up. All my basses are covered in that one. Still I standby what I said above. |
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Sep 01, 2008 12:45 AM GMT
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You're our first encounter with, as you put it, monogamy within polygamy, which are conflicting descriptions, yet easily understood. We understand it as two husbands for you, and only those two, and for each of them the same, which would be you and one of them.
So then, a closed polygamous relationship.
Interesting and nice to have met you!
-Doug
so, athlete90, you now have THREE options; open, monogamous and polygamous.
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Sep 01, 2008 1:53 PM GMT
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zsocerstar saidi know i was condemning it, and clearly stated that for the reason that i don't think its right. Sure its my personal opinion but i have a strong distaste for those who can't be faithful to their partners, or need to introduce someone else into the picture. It may work for some people, and more power to ya if it does, but it just shows a lot about someones character.
I'm not saying open relationships don't work, almost all the profiles that i've seen who are in a relationship are open. I just don't think it should be looked up upon, call me a romantic conservative maybe, but i think it should remain only a couple.. not couple+1 on the side
The majority of divorce (i think its 52%) has been because of financial difficulty. Sure there is cheating and whatnot, but thats not the main reason they have divorce, but i do see your point to try to defend why society would or would not think gays can hold a relationship. I dont' care if they do or don't, it just happen to be a thought of mine. And to be honest i doubt a lot of them have women on the side.. most (here atleast) understand that once they're married, it comes with responsibilities, and failing to hold to those isn't an option. In speaking with several married men myself, cheating would be a failure of that duty and make them "less of a man", as my friend said
Like you, Zsocerstar, I don't see myself ever having an open relationship. My last relationship ended on a sour note because of my ex's gross infidelity. Still, I find your claims about straight men--that most of them do not have women on the side--ridiculously naive. I know this is not solid proof--but we both know that men are biggest whores and liars in the planet LOL. It is more plausible to me, as well as to many others, that many men lie and cheat about it. It's just the way things are done. Have you heard of the words "mistress," "secret lover," "distant lover," etc.? |
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Sep 01, 2008 1:56 PM GMT
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I believe in monogamy--that's I'm still single.
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Sep 01, 2008 1:57 PM GMT
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Why do I find it odd that so many gay men are disgusted by gluttony when it comes to food but not when it comes to sex?
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Sep 01, 2008 2:09 PM GMT
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Timberoo,
So much said with a simple question! That's impressive!
-Doug
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Sep 01, 2008 2:30 PM GMT
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Timberoo saidWhy do I find it odd that so many gay men are disgusted by gluttony when it comes to food but not when it comes to sex? So true... so very true. But to answer the questions, my partner and I are monogamous. He has been in an open relationship before, but he doesn't speak very highly of it -- or of open relationships, in general. Guess that settles that for him. For me, personally, I just find them confusing... and a bit scary. I mean, hey... working out issues when it's just one-on-one can be hard. With another person (or people) involved, it just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. My hat is off to those who can do it... but for me, it would drive me nuts. |
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Sep 01, 2008 5:28 PM GMT
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Timberoo saidWhy do I find it odd that so many gay men are disgusted by gluttony when it comes to food but not when it comes to sex? Now is that a fair comparison for all cases of open relationships? Gluttony? Common. We're not talking about cases where the guys are satyromaniacs here, in which case, most people (even gays) would be disgusted. The more I think about it, the more monogamy seems to be based on social norms. Think about that line between being faithful and cheating. Let's look at role playing in the bedroom realizing that not everyone advocates for even that. It's okay to pretend your partner is someone eles? Doesn't this desire speak directly to the utility of an open relationship? The thinking is that your partner can be a cop for a night, and you can have your way with the cop. Do you fall in love with that cop? In most cases, no because its just a silly little fettish. And where does the line of cheating start and end outside of the bedrooom? What if your partner's cooking just isn't your cup of tea? Can you go to restaurants without being a cheater? What if you like football and your partner doesn't? Don't even think of going to the game with someone who might actually enjoy it because that makes you a cheater! I'll go back to my original point that while you may be head over heels in love with someone, it's unreasonable and unfair to expect them to be everything you could ever need in all facets of life. We see that in areas outside the bedroom, but why not inside? I'm just thinking out loud, but maybe a lot of relationships fail because they try too hard to tie love and sex together when to some it could be just as silly as tying love to college football. |
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Sep 01, 2008 5:41 PM GMT
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interesting points, groundcombat,
For us, sex is the culmination and consummation of the love we have for each other. Role playing etc in a bedroom (or living room or kitchen for that matter), in a relationship, which may include adjuncts such as uniforms or toys can also be considered creative expressions of the same. As such, can also be considered adjuncts.
Fantasy about other men is just and only that. Acting on it means it's fantasy no more.
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Sep 02, 2008 8:03 PM GMT
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I have been w/ my spouse for over 11 years. We are each others best friend and companion and emotionally committed to each other. We have had close, open, open only together and plain ole open. We both realize that sex & love are to very different things.
All that matters is if our relationship is working the way we want it to and not by some other group’s definition of what makes or doesn’t make a relationship. What I am bothered by is gays guys who judge us, yet they themselves are not able to make their relationship work or go on the DL while saying they are monogamous. We have had friends who are couples who have broken off contact when they discover we have an open relationship, which I just don’t understand. We do not judge any other couple on how they define their relationship and we expected the same.
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Sep 02, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
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groundcombat saidTimberoo saidWhy do I find it odd that so many gay men are disgusted by gluttony when it comes to food but not when it comes to sex?
Now is that a fair comparison for all cases of open relationships? Gluttony? Common. We're not talking about cases where the guys are satyromaniacs here, in which case, most people (even gays) would be disgusted.
I couldn't think of a better term at the time, but I do think it's a pretty fair comparison. If a guy fucks whoever he wants whenever he wants, a lot of people here would say 'he's just being a guy'. If he ate whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, he'd be told to get some self control. |
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Sep 02, 2008 8:54 PM GMT
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I had been into Open relationship when I was still 17.. I guess you know my role. In the beginning, it was fun, but after awhile I felt uncomfortable with it. It's like there was no bond within the relationship and then I realized that open relationship is not for me when one of my partner kissed other guy I felt so pissed off. From there.. I went on my journey to find the monogamous relationship..  |
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Sep 03, 2008 12:22 AM GMT
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I can only sleep with one person at a time... no matter what the "situation" is. I had a friends with benefits thing going on with a guy once. He slept with other people, but I never had the desire to unless one of us met someone we wanted to date and we stopped sleeping together.
It's not that I'm looking for a LTR at the moment; I just like to take it one guy at a time. So I guess I'll always be monogamous. At least one my end.
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Sep 07, 2008 1:07 PM GMT
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I am in a monogamous relationship of 4years.
The open relationship issue is now surfacing in my relationship.
I believe an open relationship is an exit of either physical and or emotional energy from ones primary relationship.
Why would I want to be sitting with my partner, waiting for him to leave, so I could get back to another? Why would my partner want me to re-direct my sexual/emotional energies to someone else, leaving him with a transparent smile from me? Why would I want to go back to being concerned about “all” of the possible diseases out there?
Why would I want to be sitting at any given location waiting for my partner to “wrap it up” with another guy? Why would I want to be in a situation of wondering if my partner really just had to run to the grocery store or?
Why would I want to be in a relationship that would most likely turn very mechanical in nature, void of lust and emotion because those very elements were going to other peoples?
My perception is that the gay/men/relationship realism will be the metaphorical death to my gay/man/relationship idealism that I have always pursued for myself.
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Sep 07, 2008 1:35 PM GMT
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I think one reason that many of you don't know many monogamous gay couples is that they are all at home taking care of the house and not out at places you are. I was in a monogamous relationship for 16 years, and I found that we mostly hung out with other couples, who were mostly straight. As we can see from the responses here, there are lots of guys who feel themselves to be wired for monogamy, but when they find someone else who's the same way, they both retreat into their dens.
I think when gay boys get into relationships, they get so overwhelmed with the "Oh my God, he's the one!" feelings that they don't ask the questions that are important, like "are you monogamously inclined?" They their feel burnt and betrayed when something happens they didn't expect.
This question has come up many times here, and, as many have mentioned, there are a lot of judging going on by those who I assume have been hurt in the past. That hurt seems to come more from the dishonesty than the actual act of having sex with someone else.
My $0.02
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Sep 07, 2008 2:05 PM GMT
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zsocerstar saidand to follow up what i just said, or rather clear up any misconceptions, i don't fool around with anyone until i'm dating them. So in having that rule, i'm not a whore and remain being classy.
I think that open relationships feeds into societies view of gays and that we just want to sleep around. Sure there's an emotional attachment with any sort of relationship, but whoring around with multiple partners rather in an open relationship or not will further feed society to think gays can't hold a relationship. So in my opinion.. thats probably a good reason why they think gays shouldn't get married (for those who think it at least). Hope that made sense? I agree. It doesn't set a good example for us, the gay community, to sleep around. For those who are not whores, Congrats. I for one believe in monogamous relationships. Being in an open relationship is pretty much the same as being single; you have choices. You can be with other people in an open relationship. It's the same for a monogamous relationship too. But If you really love or have any other strong feelings for the person you're in a monogamous relationship with, why would you want to be with anyone else? I mean really are we all not looking for something real. It doesn't make sense. |
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Sep 07, 2008 2:19 PM GMT
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I do not judge others for being monogamous or open; I have recognized that everyone must do their own thing and SHOULD let others do their own thing without ridicule or criticism (when it comes to this topic).
For me and my partner, monogamy is the only path. We both feel that it makes us stronger individually and stronger as a couple. I can empathize with what has been said earlier about being judged "judgmental" by gay couples that are in an open status. I can also empathize with open couples who feel like they are being judged unfairly by others. I have always wondered however, is it a genuine complaint? To borrow from Shakespeare's Hamelt: "Methinks the lady doth protest too much,"...
From my experience thus far in my current and life-long relationship with my partner; we have been pressured by some open couples to "join the club" so to speak. We usually just laugh it off and make it a joke but there have been a fair number of couples who just won't let it rest. Unfortunately, these friendships did not last because they would not adopt the live and let live philosophy. Instead, they were almost evangelical about trying to coax one or both of us into their chosen path. They were not always good humored in the way they did this either - very disrespectful and devious in fact! But, we do still have some close friendships with open couples and they are happy.
I would like everyone to respect boundaries and each other. To each his own...
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Sep 07, 2008 2:30 PM GMT
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Yeah, I'm not sure open relationships are the best choice (for me) after having done it a couple of times.
Most of the guys posting here are up on monogamy yet most of the gay community seems to practice open relationships. Hmmm....
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Sep 07, 2008 2:33 PM GMT
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swimbikerun saidYeah, I'm not sure open relationships are the best choice (for me) after having done it a couple of times.
Most of the guys posting here are up on monogamy yet most of the gay community seems to practice open relationships. Hmmm.... Let me edit that for a little more accuracy "Most guys are up on monogamy yet most people seem to practice open relationships." That's better. |
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Sep 07, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
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Hey Navy96, those are excellent points! We didn't enjoy the title of this topic as it pits one type of relationship against the other - begging attempts at converting others from both sides.
We're also of the live and let live philosophy. What works for us works. What works for others may not be the same thing.
You put it delightfully well!
Matt45710,
Yes, there's the honeymoon phase and nesting phase, but it varies in length with each couple and then they, like us, face an enormous hurdle - that of trying to be accepted as monogamous and running into the very tangle of brambles that Navy96 describes!
No wonder so many of us remain in seclusion. On another topic, someone claimed that gays were imitating straight relationships when it came to monogamy and marriage. I opined that wearing jeans could be construed as the same thing. Imitating straights. heh Then someone else pointed out that straight folk also have open relationships. Interesting, eh?
Wow, THANK YOU to so many here. Bill and I don't feel the ghastly loneliness (as an-exclusive-to-each-other couple) that we were!
- Doug
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Sep 07, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
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MunchingZombie saidswimbikerun saidYeah, I'm not sure open relationships are the best choice (for me) after having done it a couple of times.
Most of the guys posting here are up on monogamy yet most of the gay community seems to practice open relationships. Hmmm....
Let me edit that for a little more accuracy
"Most guys are up on monogamy yet most people seem to practice open relationships."
That's better. Ah touche MZ. Yeah, that might've looked like a slam against my own community. [He's watching my posts! So hot!] |
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Sep 07, 2008 2:43 PM GMT
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Hey Munchingzombie and swimbikerun,
There's only a drop in the bucket of guys here saying yes to monogamy - there are over 139,000 members here at RJ.
You got us stumped.
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Sep 07, 2008 2:47 PM GMT
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meninlove said
Hey Munchingzombie and swimbikerun,
There's only a drop in the bucket of guys here saying yes to monogamy - there are over 139,000 members here at RJ.
You got us stumped. Right, with so many folks on here, where's the other side? Not so many postings from the "open" crowd. Added to the fact just as an observation and echoing other posters, most people say one thing and do another. |
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Sep 07, 2008 2:55 PM GMT
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Hey, thanks for a speedy reply! Love that.
The observation just has a somewhat cynical feel to it. We tend to be more optimistic - y'know the Pollyanna and Mary Poppins approach. Hah! Gets us into a lot of hot water.
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Sep 07, 2008 3:17 PM GMT
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Meninlove,
I would like to hear some more viewpoints on the challenges of living in a monogamous relationship. I recognize that monogamy is the only way I can be happy but I also realize there are temptations and other pressures. I would not act on these temptations and pressures but the are real and persistent!
Thoughts anyone? Do you feel there is a support mechanism in the gay community for you?
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Sep 07, 2008 3:29 PM GMT
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My experience of gay men challenging my monogamy: I view them as first being intimidated by the very thing that they themselves have been unable to attain. They sense the connection that my partner and I have. They feel the connectivity of our union.
They want the same, but because this concept escapes them, there is a drive on their part to attempt to take away what we have. The actual volume of their attempts, whether physical or verbal, is a reflection of their own desires not being met.
And I feel this can even apply to other couples that are “open”. These couples have never had an emotional connection or have lost track of it and are challenged by a couple that is living an emotional/physical connection.
I feel for them, but it makes me very guarded. I have endured the verbal insults of being accused of being insecure to witnessing men verbally and physically “hitting” on my bf right before me, while acting as if I did not exist.
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Sep 07, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
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I love my partner very much and we've been together more than 5 years. The first couple of years, I fucked around and lied about it. We separated for about six months. Once back together, we agreed to only play with others together, which has made things so much easier. I could never see myself only having one man sexually for the rest of my life. It is bit like going to Baskin Robbins where you have 31 flavors to choose from, but you have to pick one... forever.
We have had a bunch of threeways over the years. Never an argument. After all the hell we've been through... we both know we are rock solid. Neither is going anywhere. Sometimes I like to watch him for awhile, sometimes he watches me. I love watching him get fucked really hard. He likes to see me top guys... or see guys top me. No jealousy at all involved. Jealousy is a put down of the self and a totally wasteful emotion.
So boys... if you're ever in Texas... ;)
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Sep 07, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
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I think "Meninlove" should give an online seminar. Then we will all learn an aswer to that question, BBboyfriends, intelligence and masculinity.
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Sep 07, 2008 4:17 PM GMT
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Any thoughts on focus/priorities when it comes to this discussion? I would like to hear opinions on self-centered focus vs. focus on partner and the relationship.
This can go either way for open or monogamous. I am sure that there are some monogamous relationships where one or both of the participants are focused on themselves as may be true in some open relationships.
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Sep 07, 2008 4:20 PM GMT
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Navy96 saidAny thoughts on focus/priorities when it comes to this discussion? I would like to hear opinions on self-centered focus vs. focus on partner and the relationship.
This can go either way for open or monogamous. I am sure that there are some monogamous relationships where one or both of the participants are focused on themselves as may be true in some open relationships. Sorry......don't understand your question. |
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Sep 07, 2008 4:37 PM GMT
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I have read some guys' comments that state there is no way they could settle for just one guy sexually (e.g. Lays potato chip and Baskin Robins analogies). I have also read some guys' posts that state that they are greedy/jealous and could not tolerate an open relationship.
These seem to be self-centered or me-focused rationalizations. I have not read one post that states the partner-focused approach or the relationship first approach.
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Sep 07, 2008 4:38 PM GMT
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I guess I am asking:
Is self-sacrifice an out-dated concept?
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Sep 07, 2008 6:12 PM GMT
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KissingPro,
Yikes! Don't know if we're good enough for an online
seminar! What works for us may not work for others!
That said, the idea is intriguing.
Navy, we don't operate from self-centred orientation, and we know exactly what you mean, because when we began, we had instances of it....
Like marriages, there are as many different kinds of relationships as there are stars in the sky, and all equal, to us. Just different. We seek reciprocal respect as we respect and honor others in their choices. Seems to be lacking, and 'threshold' has given some compelling examples as to possible why-s.
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Sep 07, 2008 6:44 PM GMT
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I totally agree that all couples need to discover what works for them. There is not right or wrong way to have a relationship. You make your agreements, keep your agreements and tell the truth about your experience.
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Sep 07, 2008 7:00 PM GMT
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BigSET,
We both enjoy your frankness, open-ness and titillating suggestions, ( though we'll pass on the close encounter, we'd still enjoy a night out on the town with you guys. heh)
You'd be right, Navy96, there's the most uplifting sense of sacrifice involved that strangely and abruptly changes to sensations of hero-worshipping each other. We never tire of it. It adds a quiet passion to all the small things we do for each other to make life the smallest bit easier, or more pleasant.
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Sep 07, 2008 7:36 PM GMT
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Coming to this conversation late, yet I'll jump in. As a preface, I read too much Shantideva (Buddhist theory) about committing and loving all beings at the deepest levels.
There is a definite beauty that comes with committing oneself to a partner for the rest of your (or their) remaining days. The growth and maturation that comes out of that bond is intense and something that I dream about and hope to have. I also know that I cannot "forsake all others" as those marital vows declare. I think the term "open marriage" is not an oxymoron.
I never understood that aspect of marriage. One person commits to another person at the exclusion of all others. Why is exclusivity prioritized above inclusivity in marital vows? There is a subtle beauty in the simplicity of loving one person that deeply, yet I know in my heart that I have loved multiple people at the same time.
Committing oneself to one partner at the exclusion of all others, I think, is also an easy way for us to forget about all the other loved ones and partners that we have had before, are yet to come, and those we currently have feelings for. It is scary to tell a partner that you have feelings for someone else because they may not see that as you loving them "100%" and walk away. Rather than admit the truth or act on the truth, I know lots of individuals that choose to not even think this and stay in monogamous relationships that are based in a fear of intimacy. It isn't easy keeping your heart open and maintaining intimate relationships with multiple people, but we do it with friends and family all the time. Why is "romantic love" held to a different standard?
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Sep 07, 2008 8:14 PM GMT
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HeyBrady527,
The vows you mention are only one set of many. Anyone can write their own set that pertains to their particular kind of relationship. Poly-amorous , poly
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