My boyfriend of almost 2 years Will not let me Top and Will not compromise...?

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    Oct 20, 2012 9:20 AM GMT

    I myself prefer being a top, but I will bottom out of fairness, although on occasion ill willingly bottom for pleasure, but thats rare. He is not willing to compromise. he loves me & I love him but He only blames me for the problems in our relationship.
    I believe that there is 2 men in this relationship, not 1. If he wants a 100% bottom he should go find a woman. I find this unfair to me, and he also threatens to End it with me, even though he himself Cannot Bring himself up to do it, and Neither can I because we are sad when we are apart from each other.
    I told him that I cant be a 100% bottom my whole life & That I would end up cheating on him and getting butt from someone else on the Side . That didnt go well with him, but He is just as responable, because he refuses to do anything to Prevent it. Its selfish.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 20, 2012 1:53 PM GMT
    i think the only sane and logical thing to do is poison him

  • Oct 20, 2012 1:53 PM GMT
    It sounds like you have a good mental/emotional connection with him, but the physical connection is lacking something. You need to decide which is more important to you? Are you more interested in having a soul mate? Or are you more interested in having crazy-hot sex all the time?

    Any LTR is about a whole lot more than just the sex. I'll be celebrating 10 years together with my partner in 3 weeks. Is our sex life perfect? Nope. Is it good enough that I'm okay with that because we are perfect for each other in every other way? Absolutely!

    Just my $0.02 worth...
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    Oct 20, 2012 1:53 PM GMT
    This should have been discussed BEFORE you got into the relationship. Don't threaten each other, just have and open dialogue and try to come to a reasonable compromise.
    I would not have entered into the relationship without that being resolved. For me, it would have to be with someone who is Versatile. It wouldn't work for me otherwise. Sex isn't THE most important, neither is it the LEAST important. I hope you 2 can resolve this and still be together.
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    Oct 20, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    bri_66 saidThis should have been discussed BEFORE you got into the relationship.


    I'm not sure I agree. If you really are 100% one way or another, perhaps yes, but everyone knows taste can (and do) change over time. People switch.

    I'm with SoonerJohn here in that sex is an important part of a long term relationship - but not a deal breaker. Sounds more like some control issues going on (and that macho I'm-a-100%-top syndrome that many of us are not into).
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    Oct 20, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    Panpano said
    I myself prefer being a top, but I will bottom out of fairness, although on occasion ill willingly bottom for pleasure, but thats rare. He is not willing to compromise. he loves me & I love him but He only blames me for the problems in our relationship.
    I believe that there is 2 men in this relationship, not 1. If he wants a 100% bottom he should go find a woman. I find this unfair to me, and he also threatens to End it with me, even though he himself Cannot Bring himself up to do it, and Neither can I because we are sad when we are apart from each other.
    I told him that I cant be a 100% bottom my whole life & That I would end up cheating on him and getting butt from someone else on the Side . That didnt go well with him, but He is just as responable, because he refuses to do anything to Prevent it. Its selfish.


    Tricky. Threatening each other to gain ground in the argument always backfires. I would try explaining to him calmly and clearly how much you love him but how difficult it is sexually for you in this relationship. Try to find out why he won't bottom and if there is a way of resolving that problem.
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    Oct 20, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    bri_66 saidThis should have been discussed BEFORE you got into the relationship. Don't threaten each other, just have and open dialogue and try to come to a reasonable compromise.
    I would not have entered into the relationship without that being resolved. For me, it would have to be with someone who is Versatile. It wouldn't work for me otherwise. Sex isn't THE most important, neither is it the LEAST important. I hope you 2 can resolve this and still be together.


    I don't agree with the 'discussed BEFORE....' but..

    I DO agree with not threatening each other and having an open dialogue. Love is love and whether we like it or not we end up making compromises for love whether they are small or big. (giggidy) icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 20, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    If this is something you can't tolerate, then why are you tolerating it? The way you describe your discomfort in the bedroom, the threatening negotiations, and the way you describe feeling sad when you're apart from him tells me that you aren't so much in love with him as you are addicted to him and to his presence. You're willing to let your discomfort continue just because that discomfort allows you to get your fix of his presence.

    This isn't a healthy position to be in long term. I recommend trying some time apart to help clear your head of the addicted component of your relationship so you can think about the situation and the best course of action with a clear, sober head.
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    Oct 20, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    calibro saidi think the only sane and logical thing to do is poison him


    Just break up with him.....Don't listen to him icon_eek.gif
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 20, 2012 4:28 PM GMT
    I generally hate responding to these things because I usually feel the cross section offered is not enough information, but I feel oddly compelled to. Here's my two cents.

    So you both claim to love each other. Based on what's offered I have trouble with that statement on both sides, and here's why. For him, he is absolutely and steadfastly unwilling to compromise on this point. Love is always about compromise, and since he's lacking that willingness, he's lacking that emotion. For you, you threatened openly to cheat. Not only was that vindictive and designed to hurt, but if you did it'd be breaking the sacred trust in a relationship, and you'd be knowingly putting him in a position to break up with you. That's not love either. For both of you, the threat you're both using over this disagreement is a break up. A solid couple doesn't use this threat when difficulty is reached. They'll argue, yes, but ending it simply isn't on the table.

    Now here's why I think I'm wrong too, and why I rarely post in these. For him, is there a reason he won't bottom? Does it actually hurt him, or is there some significant psychological hurdle he needs your support in dealing with about bottoming? What are the other significant stressors in your relationship that together add to putting a breakup on the table? For you, why is this so important to you that cheating to get it is an option, or was that just an empty thread to hurt him? What are your priorities?

    The way you've painted this is pretty damning for both of you, but at the same time, it's a pretty incomplete picture. Take what you want from this, because my answer is as incomplete as your situation.
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    Oct 20, 2012 4:36 PM GMT
    In sex, as in no other pursuit of humans, action speaks louder than words. If you want to top your man, show his butt some serious attention and stick to it until he gets the message.

    Whining about how unfair it is that you never get to top is just that: whining. If you want your man to do something that turns him off at first glance, the last thing you want to do is to pile upon it by whining.
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    Oct 20, 2012 5:25 PM GMT
    First, 100% bottom does not equal "woman." As one of my buddies once said, it takes a tougher guy to take a dick up his ass than it does to top. Guys need to get this idea out of their head that topping or bottoming has anything to do with perceived masculinity (and trust me, I've been there, so I get it, but... that perception shouldn't dictate what a guy does in bed).

    Second, I've been in a relationships with guys who mostly (or exclusively) prefer to top as well, and even though I loved them, it was absolutely a deal-breaker for me. I prefer to top as well, but in a relationship, I don't like there to be limits on what we can or can't do with each other. If he wants to top me, I want him to feel like he has every right to do so, but if he's going to refuse to let me do the same, there's an inherent inequality there that I won't stand for.

    Everyone has their preferences... everyone has those couple things that really get them off... but I feel like for a relationship to really be successful, that sexual chemistry and "compromise" (as you called it) needs to be there. If you want to top him and he's just not willing, then yeah -- maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and find someone who you feel puts you on more equal footing.
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    Oct 20, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    eitheir break it off,or fleshy it up.x)
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    Oct 20, 2012 5:43 PM GMT
    If he aint gonna budge, end it. He if really loves you, hell come back and change his mind. If not, go on with your life. He is not the only person you will find in your life.
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    Oct 20, 2012 5:46 PM GMT
    You guys should wrestle, loser gets fucked. only fair way to to do it.

    The guy who said you should poison him is an idiot because it turns out that's illegal - it says so on Google, which kinda sucks.
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    Oct 20, 2012 5:49 PM GMT
    Codependence aint the same as love. Dump the mother fucker already.
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    Oct 20, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    Sucky but simple. If being a top sometimes is a requirement for you to be happy, and if you won't be able to top as long as you're with him, then you won't be able to be happy as long as you're with him. :-| This is an inescapable conclusion.

    If you can be happy without being a top, or if he will let you be a top, then maybe you can be happy together. Alternatively, you can top him while he's asleep. ;-)
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    Oct 20, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    you say he loves you? icon_confused.gif
    If he really loves you then why is he not willing to make you happy in this regard? It's not like you haven't confronted him about this already... he's a selfish sob if you ask me
    It's easy for us to all say "break it off" even though it's not that simple.
    You have strong feelings for him and now is the time to start evaluating what your life will be like with or without him then make a choice from there.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 20, 2012 6:14 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    bosjock90 saidUnless there are other circumstances (some people are just absurdly large, or some people might have health issues that make it difficult), I feel like if you love someone and have a good relationship, both sides should take turns.

    But to each their own and every relationship works differently. Bottom line is that you aren't getting what you want, so you have to figure out if you're willing to compromise if it bothers you enough.



    + 1


    Absolutely agree.. all good relationships are built on flexibility and compromise!
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    Oct 20, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    There is no context. We don't know why he won't bottom, we only know you're frustrated. WHY doesn't he want to bottom and why do you want to top him? Sounds like there is a mental hangup. Maybe he sees it as him being "conquered"? Are you more feminine than him? I ask because I am a total top too and when I have dated other tops, they've always wanted me to be the top because I am more masculine than them (they have told me this was the reason why) Just throwing out ideas.
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    Oct 20, 2012 6:48 PM GMT
    rbdude79 saidFirst, 100% bottom does not equal "woman." As one of my buddies once said, it takes a tougher guy to take a dick up his ass than it does to top. Guys need to get this idea out of their head that topping or bottoming has anything to do with perceived masculinity (and trust me, I've been there, so I get it, but... that perception shouldn't dictate what a guy does in bed).

    Second, I've been in a relationships with guys who mostly (or exclusively) prefer to top as well, and even though I loved them, it was absolutely a deal-breaker for me. I prefer to top as well, but in a relationship, I don't like there to be limits on what we can or can't do with each other. If he wants to top me, I want him to feel like he has every right to do so, but if he's going to refuse to let me do the same, there's an inherent inequality there that I won't stand for.

    Everyone has their preferences... everyone has those couple things that really get them off... but I feel like for a relationship to really be successful, that sexual chemistry and "compromise" (as you called it) needs to be there. If you want to top him and he's just not willing, then yeah -- maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and find someone who you feel puts you on more equal footing.


    This is a really intelligent, logical post. Well said.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 20, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    bro, here is my question. did you two talk about this before getting into this relationship? i mean if you both knew you were tops when you started than you should have discussed this idea before hand. i can only blame you if you did not talk about it. if you did talk about it and you both agreed to bottom than he needs to suck it up and give it up. if he can not than you need to move on buddy.
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    Oct 20, 2012 8:28 PM GMT
    If he's threatening to leave cause he doesn't wanna put out.

    I say leave.

    He's using him leaving as a way to get what he wants which is just a completely arse hole way of doing things.

    So... get rid of the arse hole!
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Oct 20, 2012 8:41 PM GMT
    Panpano said

    I believe that there is 2 men in this relationship, not 1. If he wants a 100% bottom he should go find a woman..



    Fuck you too.


    The causes are likely nature. He may not be capable of pleasure that way. I've tried topping and it just doesn't feel like anything. I can't keep it up in that way either.
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    Oct 20, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    It took you two years to realize this?
    So its not a new issue.
    You donthave to bottom for the restore your life. Just bottom for him today. And tomorrow you'll do it all over again.

    Also you have weird capitalization rules.