Is it time to call it quits or am I not working hard enough?

  • Kyboy270

    Posts: 30

    Oct 20, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    I'm living with my boyfriend of over a year and although I've always had some doubts (who doesnt?), I'm really starting to feel like this relationship is not ever going to be a really great one.

    While he is as sweet as can be and I adore his gentle, loving personality, the physical side of our relationship has never been much more than minimal. We've not had any physical chemistry even since the beginning, and though we've steadily been becoming more sexual with one another, it's often more work than pleasure, with lots of stopping or waiting in the middle of the act. I also feel frustrated with how little interest he seems to have in sex.

    On another note, we have many similar interests but are very different in how we like to enjoy them. One of us is more low-key and relaxed while the other is more active and energetic, which often results in one person pushing the other to get off his ass while the other feels constantly nagged. This can give rise to hurtful words coming from both parties.

    After a year dating and the past three months living together, I wonder if I can't see clearly now what the future holds for us. Yet, those moments when I feel most frustrated and convinced that the relationship will never improve are often swept aside by an unexpected hug and kiss or kind word from him.

    In short, to me it seems that there is an equal amount of bad and good. Shouldn't there be substantially more good than bad?
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    Oct 21, 2012 7:57 AM GMT
    Sounds like a relationship of convenience.

    It seems that there's so many things wrong or things that bother you in your relationship that adds up over time. Communicate your problems to him.
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    Oct 21, 2012 12:40 PM GMT
    On the other hand, I do not think one should work that hard to maintain a relationship.

    We each have our path to walk - but I couldn't have been in a relationship as you have just described.

    I don't understand why you even got into this in the first place- the signs as you have described them were there from the get go.
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Oct 21, 2012 3:15 PM GMT
    Oh wow. I have no words of advice for you, but just know you're not alone in this feeling and situation.
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    Oct 21, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    Been there...done that. Sounds like my last relationship. End it. What I should of ended after 6 months instead became 3 years that I can never get back.
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    Oct 21, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    Gay guys need to take a page out of the straight guy playbook sometimes. It's totally ok to have good male friends that you like hanging around with outside of a relationship. Just because a guy is a great guy doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him or sleep together. Don't part ways, just break up and be buds. It doesn't sound like that would make things any harder between you (pun intended).
  • Kyboy270

    Posts: 30

    Oct 21, 2012 7:19 PM GMT
    I've read post after post about why so many good guys are single, why gay relationships never seem to work out, that boys are always just looking for the next best thing etc., and I have always thought that it's because so many guys are completely self-centered and unwilling to bend enough to be committed to another person.

    Now that I find myself with a sweet guy, I feel guilty when I think he's not for me. I don't know if I'm being just another selfish gay brat who wants everything his way. I feel like I have no way to gauge things.

    We respect each other and treat each other as decent human beings should. We have many tender moments together and care for each other. And yet, at least for me, some important elements are missing.

    My greatest concern is that, I won't realize what I have until it's too late. Wouldn't be the first time.
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    Oct 21, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    Kyboy270 saidI've read post after post about why so many good guys are single, why gay relationships never seem to work out, that boys are always just looking for the next best thing etc., and I have always thought that it's because so many guys are completely self-centered and unwilling to bend enough to be committed to another person.

    Now that I find myself with a sweet guy, I feel guilty when I think he's not for me. I don't know if I'm being just another selfish gay brat who wants everything his way. I feel like I have no way to gauge things.

    We respect each other and treat each other as decent human beings should. We have many tender moments together and care for each other. And yet, at least for me, some important elements are missing.

    My greatest concern is that, I won't realize what I have until it's too late. Wouldn't be the first time.


    This is a problem for you. If you are not into it, repsect the other guy's feelings and don't drag it on. That is what was done to me. Now I have no respect for my ex for prolonging something that he knew for awhile he didn't want. There are two people in the relatonship.Go talk to him and see what you guys can do.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 21, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    Does sound like it's just not there, but I heard someone say if your sex life is boring then you are boring-maybe u have to find out what gets him going? Talk to him not us. Maybe he has low sex drive low testosterone. I only believe in supplementing that if there is a medical need. Otherwise you might just be wasting each other's time. It's only a year. I call that still new. 12yrs here and going strong here and we both have strong drives and enjoy many of the same things, but i am def more into the gym and sports. that is what friends are for, they fill in the gaps.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 21, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    Also you're 32. I thought you were 40's so you still have time for a lifelong working relationship with someone you both have more in common.icon_idea.gif
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    Oct 21, 2012 9:26 PM GMT
    Speaking as someone who just doesn't find sex that important, and having dealt with this issue, I would say you need to recognize that he may not actually understand that this is a need of yours as opposed to being something subject to compromise. He may understand in the abstract that you have referenced it as a problem, but he is likely coming at it from the framework of sex being negotiable.

    You can try adjusting his desire with very concerted effort and medical intervention, if it can be altered. But otherwise it is an immutable fact that will require compromise. He probably already feels like he's compromising a great deal by acting in accordance with your wishes.

    Not that the OP is doing this, but projecting whatever issues other posters may have and demonizing either guy, while trying to suggest that the OP's boyfriend is a horrible person for not ending the relationship already, is ridiculous.

    He may have a physiological problem. He may not be comfortable with sex conceptually. Who knows. What is important is whether this issue is something that you perceive as a deal breaker. Speaking personally, I'd be more concerned about the nagging aspect, because that devolves rapidly.

    You do seem to have a healthy, measured perspective on the value of relationships and the importance of yielding. He sounds like a very nice guy that you care for. I'm sure that you'll figure something out, but the most important thing is to talk to him. And be honest with yourself about whether struggling through this issue is something you're up for, while also asking what you expect is waiting out there for you. Because you will not find a relationship without some problem.