age vs. chemistry

  • atomohawk

    Posts: 10

    Aug 21, 2007 5:53 AM GMT
    scene: the other night at starbucks sitting with a friend (who works at starbucks), (and is also gay)

    we were discussing my sketches (i design concept cars)

    and i noticed that this guy that was sitting not too far from us kept gazing in our direction.

    he had caught wind of our conversation. and when my friend had left to go back to work, this mystery guy came over to my table and was interested in what i was working on.

    he sat down and we got to talking about how he wanted to do some custom work to his 2000 mustang convertable.

    i told him that i usually design new concept cars, but sometimes i do like to redesign and do modification drawings of existing cars.
    well that conversation led to a whole 4 hours of talking, and within which he expressed his sexual orientation to me. he told me he was gay.

    but as many of the poeple that i know at that starbucks, and i know everyone there extremely well (i work at another location of starbucks, and am friends with all)
    they don't know what my orientation is. im skeptical about coming out, but i know that i will find the right time to tell all my friends, but as for now, anyone new i meet i express my orientation.

    well anyways back to the story.

    i talked to this guy for quite some time. and from everything that i was gathering from him, i wouldnt have placed his age over 26. but then he asked me how old i thought he was. i told him that i thought he was 24. he then confessed to me that he was in fact 31.
    and he also asked me how old i was. i tld him that i was in fact 20.
    well we talked for a bit more, exchanged numbers, and figured that we would be in touch.
    well i called him that night and confessed that i was also gay, and i knew he was quick on the uptake and knew that he had already figured me out, but the reassurance was nice for him. and we talked for a bit more, and we came to terms about how we felt. he thought that i was cute and i thought the same about him.

    and even though im only 20, i would say that im old fashioned.
    i dont think that someone can absolutely find their true love on the internet. some can.
    but for me, i would like to meet bf's the same way i make friends. they are strangers that i get to know. and fow how i met this guy, it looks quite promising.

    well, the 'dilema' which we can call it, is i have no problem with age. i didnt like him only thinking about his age, i like who he is. but i also think that the 10 year span between us would make somewhat of a difference if anything got really serious.

    but i want to know what you think?

    whether it be a previous or present experience?

    your opinion?

    or your take on this situation?

    none of this will change my feelings, but its always nice to how others view the same topic

    thanx for your comments


    Jason
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2007 7:20 AM GMT
    Go with how you feel. You're a big boy now, you have to make your own decisions about whether you feel it's "right" or not.
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    Aug 21, 2007 7:22 AM GMT
    By the way, congratulations on coming out.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Aug 21, 2007 10:42 AM GMT
    You sound like you hit it off with this guy
    so go for it and see what happens
    ...is the age difference gonna make a difference?
    Who knows, but you won't find out if you don't try
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    Aug 21, 2007 11:40 AM GMT
    I'm with the others. See how things go.

    While a big age gap can mean that you don't necessarily find yourself in the same place on a wide array of issues, that's not necessarily a bad thing. If the relationship works out, you can gradually rub the corners off each other until you find the mutualities outweigh the disagreements. In the short term, you think he's cute, he likes you too, so just have a bit of a fling and see if it evolves.

    I think, long term, an age gap is potentially a source of difficulty just because of the aging process leaving people at very different stages of degeneration, but a second coffee date is unlikely to see you carrying him to the toilet (Unless it's REALLY bad coffee).
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    Aug 21, 2007 9:12 PM GMT
    Congrats on coming out to him. I bet it wasn't easy, so kudo's to you.

    I'm with everyone else. Go fot it. He sounds like a nice guy. Age is only an issue if you make it one. Good luck.
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    Aug 21, 2007 9:26 PM GMT
    I agree... age doesn't make that much of a difference to me. In fact, I prefer someone a little older than me due to my personality.

    If things work out, you might have some small hurdles to address, but if the chemistry is right then why not?

    Let us know how things work out!
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    Aug 21, 2007 9:37 PM GMT
    HI you !... just to say when I was 34 i meet this perfect boy that changes my point of view about been gay and comming out... he was 19 y.o.

    Our relationship finished 9 months later, but today we are friends as always we were... =)

    (excuse my english, i know it sucks!)
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    Aug 21, 2007 10:39 PM GMT
    Well, i've dated guys far more older than i am, almost even double my age. And i found them having a good sense of maturity and 'wisdom.' ;D And the chemistry was definitely there, despite the age gap.

    Go for it! You'll never know unless you try it. Congratulations on coming out (slowly but surely).

    Take care and take it easy. m/
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    Aug 22, 2007 12:32 AM GMT
    I'm 34 and I'm currently dating a 20 year old. There are positives and negatives about it, just as there are positives and negatives about any relationship, and in fact about any aspect of any relationship.

    I'm not going to jump on the "age is just a number" bandwagon. Because there usually are differences, and differences that MATTER, between people who are more than a decade apart in age. It's not the age itself that matters, but there are thigns correlated with age that matter: where you are in your life, what your goals are, what your priorities are, what you ranges of experiences are.

    But, that being said, these aren't arguments against such relationships. Differences do not, in and of themselves, work against relationshps. What matters is not how you are different, but how you approach and deal with those differences.

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    Aug 22, 2007 1:08 AM GMT
    Age is just a number. Until that age difference gets to a point their is a huge gap. I personally would not date someone who can be my kid.
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    Aug 22, 2007 1:38 AM GMT
    I try to stick by the decade rule though I have been known to break it. I generally only date guys at least 5 years older than me but try to keep the difference under 10 years.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Aug 22, 2007 2:08 AM GMT
    statistics show that in gay relationships the average age difference is 9 YEARS. That means although for some the span is much shorter, for others the span is much greater than the 9 average.
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    Aug 22, 2007 2:10 AM GMT
    You know, this is an interesting question. I'd have to say personally I'd need to sit down and have a pretty long think before committing (or trying) to someone 10 years my senior. I always thought it would be strange, given what some others have said about being in different stages in life, etc.

    However, if you two have a connection, and he's a stable guy, then you could learn a great deal from the experience. Especially if he's a confident, succesful, out gay man. He might just offer the inspiration you need to make that step in your own life.

    What I think I'd need to consider, would be whether I would benefit from the relationship (or at least trying for one). If I felt like he was a positive addition to my life, then I'd try it and see what happened. We have to remember that as we get older, age does not represent the largest factor in choosing a mate. In my own family, I have relatives who are married to spouses anywhere between 5 and ten years in age difference.

    My point: If you'll benefit from having him in your life, if you like him, try it. Certainly be mindful of the difficulties it may present, but ultimately do what you feel. That will determine your success in the matter.
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    Aug 22, 2007 3:40 AM GMT
    Well for me I was only 20 when I found my man. Come to find out his American age was 33. He only looked like he was in his late 20s still does by the way. As we started getting to know each other more he was really 36. Well we've been for together for two years now. Does age matter...no not at all. My parents been together for 23 years now and they're 19 years apart, gay or straight relationship it's the love that you build with each other that matters.
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    Aug 22, 2007 5:04 AM GMT
    I am all for the age is just a number, obviously there will be a difference in where you are in your life but that is between you two to figure out.

    I am 20 and have been dating a 47 yo, it isn't working right now but I think it will.
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    Aug 22, 2007 5:35 AM GMT
    I never anticipated dating someone who was a great deal older than me. I have been in a relationship for four years with a guy who is 15 years older than me. I've always been inclined to hang out with people who were older and he's got a young spirit so it works. I think it's just a case-by-case thing, and so you have to go with your gut and feel it out. You never know what might happen. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2007 11:53 AM GMT
    The last guy I dated is 24, and I'm 36. We broke up a few weeks ago, but are still very close friends.

    We just "click". I don't know why, so I couldn't explain it.

    I tend to get along better with guys younger then me. I guess it's because I come across as being much younger than I am. Everyone who meets me thinks I'm somewhere closer to 29 years old (I guess it's a combo of looks & personality).

    I definitely say to go for it.

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    Aug 22, 2007 1:53 PM GMT
    My husband is 34 and I'm 47 and we will celebrate our 8th anniversary in october.

    When we met, he was 26 and I was 39. It's true that there is a gap of 13 years between us but, still, we fell in love nevertheless and are still together.
  • atomohawk

    Posts: 10

    Aug 25, 2007 4:32 AM GMT
    thank you all for your comments...

    heres an update.

    well not much exactly...lol

    but last night i went over to his house to watch a movie.

    and i'm thinking (...ok i actually met a guy like i was suppose to, not from a computer, not some random friend hook-up, just two actual strangers meeting in a coffee house and getting to know one another;) thought that i would just be going over to watch a movie.

    i tend to be shy, well not shy per se, and not really cautious, more of 'submissive' which is the role i tend to take. (even though i have a dominant peronality).
    and we did watch a movie. midway through the movie i make the move for him to hold me, well to at least put his arms around me. the small ice breaker.
    a while later.....i think, he leans over to make sure im doing ok. he does so and asks, 'are you ok?', and i respond, 'i'm fine, you?' 'great.' he replies. and then swoops down for the kiss.
    and i was expecting that. but what i wasn't quite expecting was how fast his hands moved to the inside of my pants......and then pants off. it caught me a little off guard. well then of course in the heat of the moment, things, well....heat up.
    and we ended up having sex right there. it was beautiful. but before we decided to have sex, we both agreed that safe is the only way to go, and i strongly inforce and suggest it.
    it wasn't until i got home when i started thinking.
    1: did this happen too soon?
    2: whats the next step?


    so here's my question for you.

    what, to you, is the appropriate time to have sex with a guy you meet. what date number; 1-2-3-20, and what occasion; after dinner and a fun activity,
    and so on and so forth.

    what are the steps that you follow or set for yourself when you meet someone that you hope to see something develop in?

    this is only for when you first meet a guy, when it becomes relationship status, that will become a whole new question.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Aug 25, 2007 4:51 AM GMT
    Unfortunately in a gay relationship you ended up having sex first, and then if there some chemistry you go for a date. At least this true for me. All of my bf (save one that I meet at work) are guys I have sex with. Some time we have sex first and then I ask his name.
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    Aug 25, 2007 7:38 AM GMT
    With my ex it was 3 dates. Well they weren't dates really. But he was very forward and I told him 'No I want to get to know you first' and stuff like that. He was very persistent and we had sex the third time we hung out. If the chemistry is right, why not? It should progress on your own comfort level from now on. Since it seems you are pretty open with him, just say how you would like things to progress, maybe having sex right away wasn't such a great idea and you got caught up in the moment, etc. Just be open and honest about how you feel about it.

    Good luck, keep us posted!
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    Aug 25, 2007 8:08 AM GMT
    There's no such thing as a right time.

    You were both consenting, you both had a good time and it was safe. What more can you ask for?

    I bet you'll remember that first kiss for a long time.
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    Aug 25, 2007 11:12 AM GMT
    I love the forums on this site, and this topic is especially close to my heart...
    Met the sweetest guy at an all-male party 4 months ago(and i know some will say it is still too early to feel any certainty on staying together, but that is them. this is us. It seems we have known each other forever), and there was instant chemistry. since then we have gone camping...went on dates...had awesome sex...had deep conversations...and expressed our feelings for each other. We are taking things slowly, as he came out of a 12 year relationship with an older guy that ended very badly about 2 months before meeting me, and he also has a 14 year old son that is not ready to accept another man in his dads life, in that way, just yet..but is getting closer- and he lives in michigan, 72 miles away. Although the distance thing has been more a pain in the ass, than a deterrent. we still get together each week...only wish could be more often (damn those gas prices!)
    this is the guy that i always told myself I would come out to my family and friends for..and I did, starting over the 4th of July holidays this year. I am lucky. All have been very accepting and loving..I know that others have had horrible experience at coming out..and i know that some that i tell in the future will not be that understanding....and i can deal with that...in large part to the inner strength I have found since meeting my guy..
    the point is, and getting back to main subject, eventually...it just feels RIGHT with this guy, even when we are just kissing, holding hands, hugging, talking, showing each other consideration, making sure the other one has enough to eat..its not all about sex. its about the little things that come up in daily living.(we talk on the phone several times each day, even if to only see how the other one is doing and to wish them a good day, and to express our feelings of need and desire for the other..and this can work to our advantage: look at it as part of our 'foreplay'..when we do get together weekly, our sex is out of this world.)... And that is what any relationship is about...working with each other and whatever comes up. And believe me, a lot can come up that we need to give support to the other.
    relationships are all about give-and-take and truly caring about the other person. Differences? embrace them and learn from the other guy. Lack of shared interest? (He's really into sports, I have little interest, due to no role model as a kid, but am an open book, for him to teach and instruct. I am open to anything that comes along..its not that i don't like sports...i have just never had the incentive to show interest. Now, I do, with him).And as for age difference...
    Guy's, I think our age-spread is the greatest among the reply's thus far. I am 53, and he just turned 35. There are 18 years between us. I was graduating from High School the year he was born. His mom is 3 years younger than me...
    And you know what? None of that makes a bit of difference to either of us. When we are together, or apart, those years are as nothing. It's what's in your heart, and we have come to love each other, in more ways than one. Yes, its been confusing at times, because we are dealing with his past and his son, but guy's, it's working, because we want it too. What we have together is like nothing that we can experience with anyone else in our lives. We are even looking long-term for a future together..and are willing to work toward that future.
    Yes, I am older, but very young in spirit. I am mature, yet able to relate to him on all levels. Health issues have already come into play, somewhat, but he is the one having them, due to the meds he is taking. Eventually, I will start having difficulty, also, but when and if that time comes, we will deal with it together, as we are with his, now.
    It all comes down to what is in your heart for the other guy. It has nothing to do with age. It's all about love. You cannot control what you feel in your heart, no matter what the age....and if difficulties arise, hold each other and talk about them. express your feelings. we do frequently, through verbal exchange, email and cards and letters, where we tell each other everything...nothing is out of bounds, and we are honest and truthful with each other at all times...we are building our relationship on love and trust, just as any younger couple should.
    so, good luck to all those 'may-to-december' couples out there, or those contemplating such a union...work together, it is worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2007 12:24 PM GMT
    I'm on the other side of Fitnhot's situation: I'm 37 and my partner is 60. Age becomes an issue in terms of planning long-term health care, balancing his retirement plans with my career, and dealing with financial issues (we both make good livings, but he's had a bit of a headstart). Those, all surmountable. In everything else--the day to day of relationships--the age isn't an issue for us at all. We're just happy, and we celebrated our fifth anniversary this past May.

    Oh, you'd asked about the sex part. For us, first date (actually, pre-first date). Didn't hurt the relationship at all. :)