I don't want to sit here and repeat my history as I have on here before. I'll just start by saying, I've been through a lot of shit, and sometimes don't know how to get through it.
I was doing really well for a while, but now, it feels like I'm going right back into that slump I've been in most of my life. I'm beginning to think I'm losing my faith as well. I used to think like, God is just testing us, showing us how strong we can be. And now, I'm thinking more along the lines of, why would God do this stuff, is he trying to "call us home" early? I've always been a religious person, but nowadays, not so much. I had a rough spell the other night, I ripped the cross necklace off my neck, and cursed God for doing these things. I'm sad to admit it, but it felt kind of good. Now I know that I can't blame God for anything that's happened, but it's hard not to sometimes.
My head is just clouded with painful thoughts, painful memories. I can hardly concentrate anymore, and it's driving me insane. I have vivid dreams at night, constant flashbacks, and I just don't know how to deal with them anymore. I hate going to counseling and I haven't been in a while. Why should I sit there, and tell someone I don't even know, my most intimate thoughts. Someone who tried to sit there and tell you that they understand.... it's bull shit. They don't know what it's like, so how dare they tell me otherwise? I know they are just trying to help, but cut it out with the fucking lies and help me get through this instead of just assessing every little thing that I say or do. Talking about it doesn't help, it makes it worse. Medication doesn't help, it just zombie-fies me. I have tried almost everything to get rid of this shit, but I just can't shake it.
I think the next time that I see him, I'm not going to be so passive. If he even comes near me, or tried talking to me, or hell if he even goes near my nephews, I know I'm going to flip and lose my shit. He hasn't got what's coming to him yet, and I guess I'll have to be the one to do it. My problem is, once I start, how am I supposed to stop? I can just picture myself beating him to a bloody pulp and not thinking twice about it. I don't care what the family says, they are fucking stupid for letting him come around anyway. Why the fuck would you let someone who is like that around your children, grandchildren, etc. He should be behind fucking bars for what he did. At least dis-owned from the family. But no, like my wonderful grandmother said, sometimes stuff like that just needs to be swept under the carpet. That's bullshit, that's why the shit keeps happening. You have to end the cycle. And if the family, or police for that matter, won't do it, then I guess it's up to me.
I need to get my life back on track, but I don't know how to do it. I've slipped back into deep depression. I haven't talked to any of my friends in a while. I don't go anywhere. Hell, I just dropped out of fucking school because I have too much going on right now to even be able to concentrate and do well. I'm in a hole, financially, as well as mentally. I don't think I can do anything anymore. I know they say it gets worse before it gets better, well, I've been through worse, and it has not gotten any better yet.
How do you guys put up with shit? What do you do to make the pain stop?
Sorry for the ranting.. I just had to get some of this shit out before I exploded.
You do have a lot going on. But your posting here shows you are trying to cope in some way. There aren't any easy or quick answers. Our brains don't on and off switches for this shit. I deal with depression, too. I know how it can envelope you like a dense fog, and totally alters your reality. A few suggestions: first, keep working on it in therapy. If you need to try different therapists to find one that works, you should do that. If you don't want to be on meds, find a therapist/psychiatrist who can work on you with that. I think meds serve a purpose, but they can be over-prescribed. If you feel like a zombie, it sounds like you're on too strong a prescription. Before you give up on the meds, see if you can get your doctor to tweak the levels to see a different level will work. But stick with the therapy. Keeping it to yourself isn't the answer, it will just amplify the depressing.
Second, if no one else in your family is concerned about this guy being around your nephews, then I think you're right to step in. And though this guy deserves the shit beat out of him, you should probably not put yourself into that situation. You could be the one who ends up in jail, leaving your nephews without an advocate. You don't want that. It sucks that it's more important to family members to ignore something horrific than to deal with it properly.
you say that you are "beginning to lose your faith" as if that is a bad thing. i would suggest losing the faith, and then think of things from a logical/rational perspective.... that'll work a lot better than the whole "faith" thing
Lilman, I missed who the he is that you don't want coming around! But no, don't get drawn into that path of anger and don't be distracted .. the truth is that the answer is in your own head.
Can't say much about the medicines, but I have friends on them. It can be tricky to find one that works for you if you indeed really need one. But I think most say that you need some kind of therapy to address the things that are bothering you in addition.
I say what you need most, other than looking into your own head with honesty and openness, is people to love you. They are there lilman, I promise.
I had much depression in my 20's that climaxed in my 30's when I came out. My turning point was when I saw myself as I truly was and had mercy on myself. Have mercy on yourself and your depression.
Thanks Eric, maybe you are right.. I should do anything, violently, but wouldn't you want to? It's hard not to sometimes, but I always just walk away, and I feel that he "won" when I do.
hunter- why would losing my faith be a good thing?
active- thanks for the words. i know people love me... its just my family that gets to me most. they prance around like nothing ever happened. and then, they hate the fact that me and my mom aren't straight, but they can let someone like that still come around and don't even mind it. ill try looking for new meds maybe, but i dont like being dependent on the shit.
lilmaninsc saidThanks Eric, maybe you are right.. I should do anything, violently, but wouldn't you want to? It's hard not to sometimes, but I always just walk away, and I feel that he "won" when I do.
Hell yes, I would! I'd want 100 million tortures for the guy. Guantanamo would be TOO easy on him. And though I'd imagine my doing all those things to him, I wouldn't honestly want to be the one doing them to him. That eats at your soul, too. Besides, what we imagine and what we do are two different things. Most people would probably be arrested for the thoughts we have that we never ever take action on. You're doing the right thing by walking away. And, no, he hasn't "won" when you walk away.
Hopefully justice will come and he will be incarcerated for what he's done. But your priority, aside from making sure you get through this, is that you help your nephews -- and others -- as best as you can by making sure this guy doesn't strike again.
Know that you have many friends here that care deeply about you and are here for you.
My severe depression during my cancer therapy was medicinally induced, so it may not be the same as yours. I cried uncontrollably due to the cancer meds. I was given anti-depressants to stop the crying, but I still felt like crap.
I tried GABA (gamma amino butyric acid). It made all the difference in the world with the anti-depressants. I felt human.
You might try looking at this book. It discusses the 4 neurotransmitters that control moods in the brain.
Ross, author of The Diet Cure, here offers a prescriptive plan designed to relieve a variety of ailments from seasonal disorders, stress, irritability and depression. Ross believes that many of these annoying and, in some cases, severely disabling disorders can be relieved through a change in diet and nutritional supplements. Readers are asked to first determine which of four "false moods" they suffer from: a dark cloud, blahs, stress or too much sensitivity. The survey is simple and the questions will immediately resonate with readers: for example, someone who is suffering from the blahs is likely to have difficulty focusing or require a great deal of sleep. Armed with their survey scores, readers can then turn to the appropriate chapter to learn which diets and supplements will be most helpful.Particularly reassuring are the author's detailed explanations of why she advises a particular strategy. While Ross is an advocate for nutritional supplements, she provides a sound overview for all her recommendations.
I'd suggest trying to get back in touch with some of your friends. The worst kind of suffering is suffering alone. A friend might not always understand what you're going through, but s/he'll be there as a support and sometimes that can mean the world.
Ash - Yea, you're right too. I shouldn't distance myself from my friends. But they have a lot going on too, and I don't want to bother them with my shit. I'll try to do better.
Hunter- You shouldn't condemn something just because YOU don't think it's rational/logical. Someone who has grown up with faith all their life doesn't see it as that.
Anyways, I've been in the same position as you. I've felt like giving up my faith but I just have to remember that God doesn't put us through what we go through. What happens here on earth isn't always his doing, and most of it isn't. I'm sure he WISHES he could interfere and help us with our problems, but if God DID do that, what would be the point of faith? Everyone would believe in him. I guess I view it as, he just wants to see if we're willing enough to take that leap of faith for him. I've known lots of people whose lives have changed just by being really close to him. I've never experienced anything like it, but i hope maybe one day i do.
Of course your friends have stuff to deal with, they are people.
But friends are exactly the people who will listen to you rant and be crazy and go all rawr and not judge you. They might not understand, but they'll listen and care.
Or like I read somewhere, a friend will do anything to prevent you from crying, a best friend will cry with you.
hmm, ok, jumping intot this conversation late. i recognise the name but i don't think i have the backstory. still, for the purpose of this conversation, i'll just make a few points.
medication. true this helps, whether it be supplements or ssri's, but they can often make you feel worse before being better so if you pursue this route, you really need a professional you trust, and who is well-versed in the most recent technologies and information for you to go throught this porocess. this length of time will often seem like a greater struggle, it jumbles up your world and the devil you know always seems a more comfortable option. but many options exist and the science of it isn't all perfect so it takes time.
diffusion. counselours and even friends sometimes are not adequate releases for emotions that are amorphous to you because you must first deal with it intellectually find the words to communicate it; it's counterintuitive. find a way to handle your emotion in its raw state. art? dance? something that connects your mind to your body without any interference. it sounds hokey but you need to find a way to shed yourself of the inital emotion beforoe you can reason your way through it.
that said... personally, i don't do these things as often as i ought to, mostly because i either get caught up or feel impatient. what helps me is going crazy sometimes. eventually my brain, after spinning craziness, heads to macro mode and i meditate (not with funny breathing, just intellectually) on the grander concepts. i philosophise sometimes, but i mostly just regain a bigger perspective. "sure my problems are problems, but what do they mean really?"
it sounds new-age-y and it probably is, but occasionaly it works. and if not: hello, violently aggressive gym sessions, my old friend. haha
lilmaninsc saidIll try looking for new meds maybe, but i dont like being dependent on the shit.
Back when I was undergoing active treatment for my depression this is exactly why I took myself off of my meds. I don't like depending on a pill to be happy. In my mind that's toeing the line of being an addict to any other kind of drug.
I was also one of those rare people that have negative reactions to SSRI's and MAO inhibitors... I thought I was bad before, but those pills left me having total breakdowns nearly every day.
If you don't want to be on the pills, then don't get on them. It sounds like you had the same mind set as I did, and that's just another thing that could trigger your depression.
As far as dealing with all the shit life throws at you: get back in touch with your friends. Then listen to their problems, too. Help each other work out whatever's going on.
There's a 100% successful way of getting out of a depression and that's helping other people ... but some people find that such a strange notion I probably shouldn't have mentioned it.. instead I turn to the wise words of Sri Sri... ----- There is a technique to get depressed - just sit and think only about yourself: "What about me? What about me?" ... you will get thoroughly depressed. ----- When you are worried or tense, sit by a flowing river or gushing water and keep looking at the water. Within a few moments you feel as though like a magnetic pull your mind is being pulled in the direction of the flow of water... in a short while all the anguis, delusion flows away with the flowing water. You become fresh. ----- You can spend the whole life worrying, grumbling, brooding over things and being miserable; or the same energy could be used to uplift you to unimaginable heights. ----- Duality, a divided mind, is the cause of fear and misery. ----- Sadness is just your habit. Look into your mind and see this sadness is simply unfounded. The moment you look at your mind, the selfmade sadness will disappear. You become free of it - it is just a concept. ----- Why are you sad? Why are you sorrowful? It is because of your cravings, you are holding onto the past - a memory of cravings from the past creates sadness now
I have been through a lot in life as well. These past 8 years I have:
*cut myself over sixty times (I'm not exaggerating).
*tried over 15 medications until finding the "right" one.
*been hospitalized four times in the pychiatric ward.
*tried to commit suicide
* had two regiments of Electroconvuslive Therapy (ECT) with 8 treatments each time.
*Dropped out of college twice.
Though we have different problems and issues, I know what you are going through. I know how it feels when you know you are slipping into another depression. I personally think this illness is one of the worst illness/diasesesout there; with cancer, you are fighting the excessive growth of abnormal cells- depression, you are fighting against yourself. There have been times in the past when I didn't want to get better.
Also, I have to make a comment on your believe that doctors/counselors do not understand what you are going through. I disagree. Both of my doctors (psychiatrist and psychologist) have been practising psychiatriy and psychology, respectively, for several decades. Most doctors know what depression is like and know how it can effect people. If the have enough expercene then that know ezactly what you're going through. Most likely they do not have personal experience, but they can still emapthize with you and try to help you.... that is what their 10+ years of graduate school/residency is for. Perhaps you may need a different counciler. Not all therapists are right for everyone. And it that's time; my psychologist tends to tell me the same things over and over again- his advice is hard to believe and put into place, but I work on it everyday. He told me once, "If I had to tell my clients something only once in order to help them, I'd be out of a job- there'd be no psychotherapy."
In order to control a mental illness, I have found you need four equal things to interact with each other- four sides to a square... without one side the square falls apart.
1. Medication: Most likely you will need to be on meds. Who gives you the meds? How many have you tried? There are soooooo many out there and each work differently- moreover, some meds work best with other meds. (I am on an anti-depressant and a mood-stablizer; the latter enhances the former.) Never give up! it took 5 years to find the right one for me. Change Doctors if you have to- do what is right for you!.
2. Therapy: This has been known to work very well- sometimes people don't need meds because of the therapy that are getting. I know you say talking makes it worse... but holding it in isn't going to solve anything either. Find a new therapist... one you click with.
3. Outside Support: This is a very sad one to talk about- so many people out there do not have the outside support they need. My mother has gone to Hell and back with me- she is always there with me and for me. I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her... and I am so serious about that. Try and find support somewhere.... a confidant you can go to when you need to talk or be with someone. Friends, co-workers, family, clergy (you mentioned you are religious... try to talk to your priest/pastor/rabbi/minister... they are also trained in this area).... or dare I say even a pet (though animals obviously can't get advice- they are great listeners and very soothing to be around... well the "right" kind of animals [i.e. Labs, Golden Retreivers, Collies, etc.].) *Warning about the clergy*: Your spiritual advisor should view your situtation as having an illness! Beware of those clergy who say, "Son, God is punishing you because you have choosen this lifestyle." Or, "You're just not praying hard enough. Go to church more and become more Godly." The former chaplin at my local hospital thought this way- let's just say he no longer works for the secualar Maine General Medical Hospitals.
4. YOU: You have to want to get better and be willing to do almost anything to do so. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. NEVER GIVE UP. The little voice in side you that says, "it still may be possible to turn things around." Listen to it... it is within us all- some just bury it better than others.
lilmaninsc, Please e-mail me if you want to talk. I am very serious.
I think I disagree with about 85% of your post. First off, giving a 100% guaranteed sucess rate on a certain "cure" method is unscientific, unreasonable, and I imagine gives a false hope to many people. What "controls" mental illness varies from person to person and usually requires the implacation of many different therapies.
Though, helping others is good for the soul, when one has a chemical imbalence, I highly doubt it can cure everyone of mental illness 100% of the time. Or am I understanding what you wrote in the wrong way? If not, do you have data/evidence/studies to back up you claim?
Hey lilman, I know we had bonded and had some good conversations about this awhile ago. Somehow we lost touch: I think I was coming into the chats less, you weren't on IM as much, yada yada yada ... life takes us in different directions no?
I definitely don't know what's going on in your life. It sounds like you're still having ex troubles, family troubles. Are you still taking care of a newborn? All these things combined together, not to mention all the stuff you've been through in the past, is bound to get to you as it is now.
We talked about the more longer term goal of you getting away from your environment. I assume at some point you decided that wasn't the path for you. Is that still not an option? I remember asking you about this and you said you got a higher paying job and I remember thinking, that's not really a great reason to stay. But I hadn't been keeping in touch so I didn't know what else might be going on.
As for shorter term fixes, I agree with the postings about getting in touch with friends again. That sucks about therapy not working for you: I use therapy to solve exactly these types of problems so that I don't bog my friends down with these problems. I still do use my friends to get things off my chest which helps me immensely too.
One last shorter term advice: focus on eating and exercising well. Best wishes, dr_jackl
You've got friends and sympathetic ears and shoulders right here. Like AcitveAndFit, we're feel like we're missing a piece of puzzle, that there's man coming to your family home that everyone's pussyfooting around and whatever he's done has had a profound and traumatic effect on you, bringing on depressive states. Hope we're making sense and getting this right.
Anytime you like, email us. We'd be homoured to join all these great guys trying to help you out.
Thanks for the helpful responses guys. I wasn't really looking for much feedback, but I do appreciate it, nonetheless. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor on Thursday, I'm sure I have a lot to catch her up on, as I haven't seen her in months. I'll ask her about other medications, maybe something that you don't have to stay on, just help when I am feeling down, as like I said before, I don't want to be dependent on them. I like to deal with things on my own, which I know isn't always the best way to do it. I'll try to start hanging out with my friends again. I'll try a lot of things, and hope it works out for the best. Depression sucks, and not in the good way. Anyways, thanks again. I do appreciate it. Much love.
Wow bro, I feel for you, I really do. I let a good friend stay with me for about 6 months while he tried to work his way through some real similar things. It sounds to me like you're dealing with a version of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Sometimes getting the right name on something helps get to the right solutions. Unfortunately as you have discovered there are very few counselors that have any idea of how to deal with this. You might try looking for someone with specialized training in complex PTSD.
The most important thing I think for you to understand is that you aren't crazy, abnormal or anything of the sort. You are having a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of stress. There are some really good PTSD self help manuals/workbooks out there to help with this. One I would like to suggest to you was a huge help to my friend. It's called.
I Can't Get over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors by Aphrodite Matsakis (Paperback - Sep 1996) http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Get-over-Handbook-Survivors/dp/157224058X/ref=pd_bbs_10?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220299826&sr=8-10
Unfortunately, this stuff can and will continue to affect every aspect of your life until you get it under control. Psychotropic medications are rarely silver bullets, most often it requires trying several different medications to see what works and what doesn't, meanwhile you continue to go through the discomfort. Also, sometimes doctors need to think outside the box and try medications that are not typical for this particular case. For example, in my friend they ended up finding out that Wellbutrin worked very well for him. Normally, in PTSD that would not be used because it causes a build up of stimulating neurochemicals, namely norepinephrine and dopamine. However, my friend also had ADHD which changed the clinical picture of how to treat the PTSD. Once he got on this med things stabilized for him and he did the best he's ever done. He wasn't reduced to a zombie, he didn't have the sexual side effects so common with the SSRI's. His sleeping paterns normalized, motivation returned, the depression lifted and the visual hallucinations and flashbacks stopped. All this became possible because I found the best Psychiatrist in the region for psychopharmacology and insisted that he go. I even paid the initial fee to get him in there. Sometimes you have to fight and fight until you find the answers. Hopefully, you can find a friend that will give you the same kind of concern, help, and absolute determination that this is a treatable problem and you must treat it. Try to find someone that will act as a friend and as sponsor type of person, someone that will hold you accountable for doing the things you need to do. Ultimately, my friend did the tough work of getting well, I just refused to let him off the hook on not doing the things he needed to be doing and I gave him a lot of love when the times were the worst. Ultimately, we all need those people in our lives that believe in us and won't let us off with less then a full effort to make our lives worth living. Try to identify or find that person in your life and make the commitment to be 100% honest with them.
I have a lot of experience with this type of thing, if you have any specific questions that I can help with please don't be afraid to holler bro.
lilmaninsc saidThanks for the helpful responses guys. I wasn't really looking for much feedback, but I do appreciate it, nonetheless. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor on Thursday, I'm sure I have a lot to catch her up on, as I haven't seen her in months. I'll ask her about other medications, maybe something that you don't have to stay on, just help when I am feeling down, as like I said before, I don't want to be dependent on them. I like to deal with things on my own, which I know isn't always the best way to do it. I'll try to start hanging out with my friends again. I'll try a lot of things, and hope it works out for the best. Depression sucks, and not in the good way. Anyways, thanks again. I do appreciate it. Much love.
There is nothing wrong with being dependent on medications. I may have to be on meds the rest of my life- and I am also 23. Would you say to an insuline-dependent diabetic- "you need to work harder on not being diabetic; it's too bad you have to be on insuline the rest of your life."
Depression is an illness and one that requires the use of medication to control sometimes... it is a hard fact to accept. Who knows though... you may be able to get off meds totally in a few years! If not remember- medications aren't perfect. The goal of a med is to make the good out weigh the bad. With my med... I can't eat pepperoni pizza, aged cheese, drink alcohol, etc. But it makes me feel happy an I am willing to give up the use of those consumables in order to be productive. Keep your head up- I am glad you called your therapist.
My simple stance on depression is "play dead." When it starts messing with you, turn your back on it and ignore it. It hates that. Seriously, I have spiteful people in my life too: a hand full of religious hypocrites and yes, one sex offender. Don't ask me about them, I can't tell you because I turned my back on those people and their issues long ago and really am starting to forget those people's names.
I did, however, disagree with part of your post. IT ALWAYS HELPS TO TALK THINGS OUT, even it is to a stranger. It's just important to get things off of your chest. But, if you really don't want to talk about these things anymore, why not turn your back on these things and not look back?
As far as your GOD problem, keeping to my suggestion, turn your back, or I guess in this case, tilt your head forward. I suggest this to people sometime when they get frustrated and feel like GOD has abandoned them. They often hunker down and brace for the lightening bolt and I just look at them like "Dude, we are inside." If your convictions are that strong, why not take some time away from them and see how life goes for you without all of this energy you spend on reliance on a higher power. That's right, look at your problems and say "Allright, going to face them alone, without GODS help." See, if you like it. I sure did. It's a relief for me that when things go wrong I can spit, curse, and whatever I need to do to cope without the extra hassle of contemplating why celestial powers didn't intervene.
I still believe in GOD and that religion helps some people to a great extent, but i've always viewed it as training wheels. Time to lose them big boy. You can believe in GOD without relying on him. If you need a replacement, why not pick a surrogate? How's bout Mercury, atleast he's family.
Then after a while, if you find you just can't live without GOD, look up and wave, but the only reason I suggest you forget him for a while is because it felt so good for me when I turned my back on all the things causing my depression and just took care of James, just me, no one or any ultimate power helping me. When exactly was the last time you spent quality alone time with lilmaninsc?
THIS is one of my quality recommendations to assault depression. Treat yourself like you are outside of yourself and need to help yourself (in this altered state noone can help you). Like if you for example was walking down the street and saw lilmaninsc laid out unresponsive in the middle of it. I 'm guessing the first thing you would do is remove him from harm. After you pulled him from the street, you'd assess the damage and after you determined the extent of the damage, you'd administer the proper care. I did this for James a long time ago. It has worked wonders. Now, anytime I feel like noone cares, I just remember the kindness of that man that saved me that time.
Again, I thank all you guys for the input. I think GG is right, I should try to do this alone. You made some pretty good points about God. Still believe, but don't put everything on him, right? I go back to the therapist on Thursday, so I guess I will see where that goes, again. If it doesn't help, then I will do it alone. At least I have this forum, and others, as an outlet to get shit out. I'd rather do that on here, then do it face to face with someone I don't know. So yea, thanks for being an outlet for me? I think I should cut back on the alcohol too, I've been drinking a lot lately. And while it's good to just forget about everything while doing that, I shouldn't let it become a habit. I've been looking into moving again, to get away from this environment that is so poisoned with everything. I turn around and all I see are painful memories. Maybe it will do some good to get away.
I have dealt with depression since age 17 and am now 54. I have worked very hard to know myself, what exacerbates my depression and the signs of mood fluctuation. One issue for me is having been hypoglycemic and now diabetic. There are also genetic contributors on both sides of my family. My oldest daughter who is finishing her PhD. has inherited a variation but works with and through it. At the point of despair, I have offered all my feelings of anger and sadness to God in prayer. This helps not only in venting but in letting it go. I believe God helps me when I put that 110% to live hour by hour. I find that life is 60% difficult and painful, 20% mundane and 20% peaceful joyful and a remarkable adventure. I have gone through the self loathing and anger, but I have stopped being my own worst critic. I also talk with friends who help and listen and mostly who love me. I have taken Zoloft 100mg. for 15 yrs. and that helps with the pendulum swing of moods and helps me to center. I wish you peace, please take care of and love yourself
Uhoh, the big scary world. I did say do it alone, but the therapy, it isn't a total waste of time if it can equip you with the tools you need to do it alone. However, once you don't need it or feel you aren't learning anything from it, by all means, take off. As far as your idea to leave, yes, do it. If you feel that those people may hurt without you, forget that. They'll be fine. Like I said, lilmaninsc needs you now, help him. Those people need to rely on their own inner strenght, your reserves are spent.
Drinking doesn't help and being there well, both work well with my afore mentioned scenerio. After, you fish you from the middle of that road, you will assess the damage, some of which is you drink too much and you are living somewhere you don't want to live. Remember, you've gotta save lilmaninsc, so detox him and get him out of that hell hole for starters.
lilmaninsc saidso yea i tried talking to my best friend of 10 years didnt go so well she blew me off
Well we are blowing you back on, don't worry about it.
I often ask myself what I would be like if I had never dealt with and overcome depression, and if I did not have ADD even now. The answer is that I would not be myself but someone else.
lilman, I'm glad you brought your situation up. As you can see there are many others willing to share their experiences with you. Depression is so hard and if you've never been through it, you'll never really know. Some of your RJ friends here have made some very good points and suggestions. I will continue to pray for you, that you might have the strength you need, continue to maintain your faith and that He might guide you in your thoughts and deeds. If you ever get to a point where you feel at the end, tell us, any of us. We do care, you're a friend, even if we don't know you personally. You're surrounded by a great group of guys who are willing to walk beside you through the tough times, keep the communications going, keep us informed, we want to be there for you.
lilmaninsc saidAgain, I thank all you guys for the input. I think GG is right, I should try to do this alone. You made some pretty good points about God. Still believe, but don't put everything on him, right? I go back to the therapist on Thursday, so I guess I will see where that goes, again. If it doesn't help, then I will do it alone. At least I have this forum, and others, as an outlet to get shit out. I'd rather do that on here, then do it face to face with someone I don't know. So yea, thanks for being an outlet for me? I think I should cut back on the alcohol too, I've been drinking a lot lately. And while it's good to just forget about everything while doing that, I shouldn't let it become a habit. I've been looking into moving again, to get away from this environment that is so poisoned with everything. I turn around and all I see are painful memories. Maybe it will do some good to get away.
I'm pulling my shrink card here.
Above all, you need to find a therapist that you feel somewhat comfortable with, but not completely comfortable. They are there to challenge you as much as they are there to support you. It is supposed to be uncomfortable talking to a stranger, yet in time he will come to know you as long as you really do open up. Most therapy fails because the patient never fully opens up about what is wrong in their life and what is wrong in therapy. Trust me, as in any relationship, bitching about your partner rather than telling them directly what you want makes matters worse. It is no different in therapy. Better therapy comes when you give that feedback directly to a therapist rather than bitch behind his back. Don't worry, we can handle direct feedback.
As far as selecting a therapist goes, I would recommend asking your shrink if they come from a Jungian school or are familiar with Archetypal Psychology. Both of these camps are heavily invested in the spiritual element of life, even to go as far as saying (within the Jungian camp) that the image one holds of God is the container for all mental health. There are professionals out there that specialize in the area of depression and spirituality. Ask him about his views on God and incorporating them into treatment. Specifically:
Have you worked with patients on spiritual concerns? (If he hasn't then ask for a referral to someone that does) What training have you had in spiritual concerns / spiritual counseling? (If they don't have formal training in counseling but have spent several years trained in meditation or worked at a Jungian training institute, that will suffice. If they do not even have a regular meditation practice for several years, then ask for a referral for someone that does) What do you usually think is the cause of depression? (Push for the general answer cause this will tell you if spirituality is really part of the treatment or not)
You are not alone. Sure, you can try to solve your problems by yourself and be an autonomous individual with no concern for others, but eventually you will realize that people are here for you as much as you are here for others. There is nothing weak in asking for help. Additionally, if there are problems that come up in therapy, shoot me line about the problem and I'll lend my mind to help you troubleshoot it with your therapist.
I still don't understand what happened. But yeah, if everyone else acts like nothing ever happened, that's gotta suck. For some people it's all about the family image. Fuck that.
But yeah, I agree with everything GG says. Except on the God part, but that's me.
thanks Don, I appreciate the prayers. And yes, there are a lot of good guys on here that care, I can see that. Part of the reason why I "vented" on here. Get some positive feedback.
Brady, I will do that. thanks for the input on those things. I'll probably be mailing you after my session on Thursday. So keep a look out.
That's what dysfunctional people do, Sedative; they live by three rules: Don't Talk, Don't Feel, Don't Trust. This makes them unwholesome and worthy of disinvolvement.
GG has been through a lot too lilman. So yeah, his advice is gold. Anyway, just smile dood! You're handsome, smart, and most importantly, a good person, and you know no one can take that away from you.
Sorry to hear that you're in such a tough place. Hang in there. It may be hard to believe right now, but things WILL eventually improve. There maybe a few things you can do to help them improve sooner than they might otherwise.
Getting back into counseling is one thing. So it's good to hear that you've arranged to see your therapist again. It sounds like you find therapy difficult. But, even if you're right and your counselor can't connect with the things you share, there is probably some benefit to you in just being able to say what's on your mind. Sometimes actually saying stuff out loud let's us process it in ways that can stop the thoughts running rings around the inside of our head and turning into nightmares, etc.
Medication may also be a good idea. You may need to try a few or a couple of combinations before you get one that controls your symptoms without unacceptable side effects. One pain with alot of psych meds is that you they deliver the side effects before you get any therapeutic benefit. Sometimes if you stick with them, the side effects lessen and then the medicine starts treating your symptoms. But it can take weeks. It is especially cruel that these meds can make you feel worse during a time when you're already feeling pretty lousy. In my experience, the best thing you can do is to work with a psychopharmacologist - a psychiatrist who specializes in treating with meds.
A few other things to keep in mind: the more you can work on the basics the sooner you will feel better. By basics, I mean nutrition, sleep, exercise and social contact. Try to eat at least three times a day and pay extra attention to eating healthy foods. If you have no appetite, try small meals several times a day or, if things are really bad, go with smoothies or protein drinks etc. Be very moderate with caffeine and try to keep away from alcohol.
Try to sleep seven to nine hours each night - preferably at the same time each night. If you have to nap during the day, try to keep your naps to no more than 20 minutes.
Get some aerobic exercise every day - preferably outdoors when it is bright out.
I know how tempting it is to isolate yourself when you feel really bad. Try to push back against that - especially by staying in touch with people you feel you can talk to about stuff that matters to you. If there are activities you know you usually enjoy, try to do them every once in a while. You may find that while you are depressed these things are not enjoyable, but eventually, you will very likely find pleasure in them.
It may help you to make a schedule each day making time for meals, exercise, socializing, therapy, work, etc.
I hope you start to feel better soon. It sounds like you've faced some real challenges. That you have made it this far, will hopefully give you some confidence that you can move through this.
I sometimes tell myself that I can't stop the waves, but I can learn how to float. There may always be pain around, but by not being dragged around by it or letting it compel me to act in ways that will make my life worse, I can perhaps endure the pain without suffering so much.
Been stugging with depression since i was 12. Can't help you. The only times I feel at peace is when i'm on some drug. The middle between the two is just feeling aggressive and stressed about everything.
I too am dealing with depression i take medication for it everyday it has really helped me. I have been taking theses meds for 12 years now, before i took the one i was on i tried one other medication but it did not work for me. Everyone is different so we all have to do whats right for ourselves. In the late ninetys i gained over 100 pounds because of my depression, but with self motivation i lost the weight.Sometimes i feel myself slipping into that lonely sluggish,like you dont give a dam about anything feeling and you just cant help it,but somehow i come out of it.Some things that help me sometimes is that i scream really loud,but i make sure no one is around. Taking meds is not for eveyone, but if you have depression get help life is too short to let others get you down happiness is always better.
Depression is a funny thing. I look at someone like lil and I think "what do you have to be depressed about? Your attractive. You look like your at the prime of your life," but I guess some guys would probably think the same thing about me.
I don't have any advice except scope every option until something works. I spent a month on meds and now I'm back on them again. I'm just afraid that once I lose my health insurance, I'm going to get grossly depressed again.
CitizenSol saidDepression is a funny thing. I look at someone like lil and I think "what do you have to be depressed about? Your attractive. You look like your at the prime of your life," but I guess some guys would probably think the same thing about me.
I don't have any advice except scope every option until something works. I spent a month on meds and now I'm back on them again. I'm just afraid that once I lose my health insurance, I'm going to get grossly depressed again.
He has had some pretty brutal events in his life. Negative life experiences, especially in childhood, can thwart a person's potential. Even with therapy and medication the person will be haunted for the rest of his or her life to a certain extent. The feelings are ready to come back at any time all it takes is a stressful life event.
I have heard people say many times that the time in university are the best of your life. I thought "if these are the best years of my life then I am in serious trouble." Fortunately life is not that predictable. My forties have been much better than anything I experienced before the age of 25.
CitizenSol saidDepression is a funny thing. I look at someone like lil and I think "what do you have to be depressed about? Your attractive. You look like your at the prime of your life," but I guess some guys would probably think the same thing about me.
I don't have any advice except scope every option until something works. I spent a month on meds and now I'm back on them again. I'm just afraid that once I lose my health insurance, I'm going to get grossly depressed again.
He has had some pretty brutal events in his life. Negative life experiences, especially in childhood, can thwart a person's potential. Even with therapy and medication the person will be haunted for the rest of his or her life to a certain extent. The feelings are ready to come back at any time all it takes is a stressful life event.
I have heard people say many times that the time in university are the best of your life. I thought "if these are the best years of my life then I am in serious trouble." Fortunately life is not that predictable. My forties have been much better than anything I experienced before the age of 25.
Thats what I don't get about me. I can't pinpoint my depression, but when it comes, its nearly unbearable. I've been tested for bi-polar disorder but everyone agrees that that isn't it. Usually I'm pushed to join clubs and groups but I typically get bored easily or the people usually aren't into me. It got so bad that I spent months just being high. (Sighs)
Hopefully age will solve the problem. But honestly...sometimes I wonder if some people were just not meant to live.
not to pop in with something someone else might have already said, but I read the original post and skimmed the others. I think we all struggle with depression in one form or another, but yours seems to be on the serious side. I can relate to that, trust me.
A couple of things:
1) if you are not happy with the reaction from your family and you don't respect their actions, maybe you need a little distance from them - either physically or emotionally. I left home rather early because of my family dynamic - stuff that has re-asserted itself after I have moved back closer to my family after 20 years - and it is never easy to deal with. If the family's actions are not to your liking, maybe emotional or physical distance can help.
2) I'd talk to your therapist about going to the authorities to report what happened to you. I'm not sure what exactly happened to you - but in the case of molestation or abuse - it might be good to warn someone with authority about the situation. I'm not sure what the statute of limitations are in your area, but even the action might help you in your dealing with the depression and anger towards the person. Depression can often come from not knowing what the appropriate action could be.
3) Definitely find a therapist you can work with. dealing with depression is a journey of understanding, and the right therapist can help.
4) try some natural herbs. I take Gingko Biloba and St. John's Wort to help with my feelings of depression (which still come). But I noticed a big difference after several weeks on the herbs. (Disclosure: I don't take any western medicine - of any sort - thus my advice on herbs.
5) keep working out. the endorphins can help with the physical manifestations of the depression. Since I've been working out regularly, my regular cycle of depressive episodes has greatly reduced in regularity.
[quote][cite]lilhusseininsc said[/cite] My head is just clouded with painful thoughts, painful memories. I can hardly concentrate anymore, and it's driving me insane. I have vivid dreams at night, constant flashbacks, and I just don't know how to deal with them anymore. I hate going to counseling and I haven't been in a while. Why should I sit there, and tell someone I don't even know, my most intimate thoughts.
That sounds somewhat like PTSD.... depending on other symptoms that surround it... Obviously you describe Depression- which is really common with PSTD. But both Depression and PTSD are things that can be treated with the right kind of therapies and counseling... and yes, possibly some medications. I dont know what you went through exactly, but by the nature of your words I can tell that you've been through a lot and that you are in a lot of pain. There are many ways to get help. I know its hard to sit through a session sometimes and tell a 'stranger' your most personal thoughts. You have to trust that therapists have your interests in mind and that we (I am a Psychologist in training) want to help you. I cant tell you now that the vast majority of people get into mental health so that they can help others.... So thats why you should tell them: so they CAN help you. But part of telling someone else these things.... is cathartic. It may make you feel better just by letting it out and letting someone else hear your words. That is one reason to stay in therapy. The other reason is that with time, and psychological work w/ your therapist you will be able to work past the issues you are having and the things you may have gone through in the past.
Medications do help. As other people have said; they arent perfect, but usually if you are on the right medication and the right dosage, you will feel a marked change from how you felt at the time.... or like you do now. I am not sure what medications you are on. Mood stabilizers tend to have a numbing effect. Antidepressants less so.
Some of your words make me worried; as if there are kids in danger of abuse of some kind. If that's the case... the best thing to do is call the police. For their own sake. Don't make it a violent matter because then you may get into trouble with the law. And this person who you are referring to....whatever he did.... is not worth you going to jail for.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or anything that you think I could help you with.... you're more than welcome to shoot me a message.
str8hardbody saidOh dude I feel your pain. Don't your faith in God. God will always be there for you. Just get some help from your therapist again. We are here to help. We care and we just want you to feel happy again. Life is wonderful make new friends and stop worrying.
Hey. Not sure if this aimmed at me but I don't really believe in god. Thanks for caring though.
Citizen Sol have you ever looked into SAD Seasonal Adjusted Depression Shorter days triggers it in the Brain. Something to look at, had a friend with it had his doctor write a script for tanning program IT WORKED and my Bastard friend had his tanning paid for as a deuctable to his Health Insurance
I know my mood changes with the shortening of the days. One of my favourite days of the year is the day after Winter Solstice (usually the 22nd of December). I know from that day on the hours of daylight will be increasing.
to lilmaninsc. I understand what you are going through.
"hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real"
On days like these, I feel like all efforts are in vain, I will be defeated - or defeat myself? - after all
no defeat. find a place of silence, within yourself or out, and wait for strength. it will come. no defeat. seek help. you can find support and understanding here, if you wish. just make it through this day. that's all you need to do.
I gotta say...
I survived.
being empowerded, fighting back - it makes you feel less helpless. it can make a huge difference!
My father was particularly physically abusive with Mom over us kids. I notice on occasion she(mom) brings up the regrets of having to have gone through this abuse. Age and stage kinda things.
The other day, literally, out of the blue she says, I regret saying some of the things I said to you when I was visiting you in Vancouver. I said I don't remember what you said. Her response was (she was visibly upset/angry), "Who did this to you?" referring to me being sexually abused. I never once said anything to her about my sexual abuse. For one, I couldn't say to her it began with your brother (my uncle). My body just froze, there were weird strange sensations. My mind went blank-attempting to block the memories so I could end this conversation. I couldn't proceed with this conversation so I changed the topic. I have no intention of telling her. I suspect my brother must have said something to her many years ago. I figured she thinks my abuse made me homosexual.
The point is the physical and sexual abuse changed the family dynamic for me-I am uncomfortable around my brothers as they are of me. It's like a wall. This maybe a mental thing but I swear to you this wall is as real as any wall I have ever physically touched. Some days it drives me crazy. I think I need to invest in some new tools. It never ends.
After re-reading what I wrote. It occured to me that my physical abuse open the doors for my sexual abuse. I suspect for some the reverse is true.
and the answer from a person also abused...
"it can end. at least the part that freezes you in your tracks, the part that won't allow you to talk about it. that part can end. and you are right, the right tools are essential.
everyone's "tools" are different but i found counseling essential. i never would have been able to heal, never would have been able to help myself without it. and it required counseling over several years at different times in my life. i would go for a while, feel stronger, and then something would happen and i found i needed to go back again, for a "maintenance schedule", if you will.
and "invest" is the right word. it takes time and money for counseling, i know. when i first started going i had no money so i found a counseling agency that would set my payment fee on a sliding scale, depending on how much money i was making at that time.
counseling might not be the right answer for you, but i have talked to many people for whom it was indispensable.
whatever way you find works, please, please find your tools. you deserve it. you are a strong and good person and you deserve to feel whole within yourself.
it took me years, like 20 years, to be able to say to someone, "i was abused" without feeling guilt or shame. but i have finally come to not just intellectually understand but to feel that what happened happened to me, it did not happen because of me. now i equate it with being mugged. if someone gets mugged on the streets they don't feel guilty saying, "someone mugged me" even if there are consequences like they can't go out after dark anymore or they feel scared in certain circumstances. there is no guilt or shame attached to it. i have come to see my abuse in the same way. it happened to me, and so there is no guilt or shame on my part about it or its long-lasting consequences".
lilmaninsc, we never can escape our past. the emotional memories are there forever i think. and so are the instinctual emotional responses. so often it takes conscious decision-making on our part to try a new emotional response. and then conscious control over how we behave to break old patterns
Thanks again guys for the thoughtful responses and kind words. I went and seen a therapist a few weeks ago. I see her every so often, not as much as I guess I would like, but I am doing better now. Now, I won't lie, I still have my moments, days, or even weeks. But it's slowly getting better. I still haven't tried to get back on any meds, as I said before, I don't like to be dependent on the stuff. I've been talking a lot with one of my friends who has been through the same things, and she has helped me out a lot too. I don't feel as if I need to live "sheltered" anymore. A weight has been lifted, so to say, and I'm seeing things more clearly.
Thanksgiving is now coming up, and I'm trying to bring myself to attempt going to the family get together. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to do this, as "he" will be there, but I feel that it's something that I need to do. I can't let him have this hold on me my whole life. I just wish things could be different. I've always said I'm very close to my family, but in all reality, I'm really not. The only one's who show that they really care and my mom and sister, and I guess that's all that matters. The rest of them just need to sort out their priorities and see what's wrong with the whole situation. Everyone always says, forgive and forget, but it's just not that simple. You have to live with these things you're whole life, and I just don't see myself doing either of those things. I just don't want to feel held back by it. I have a damn right to be there just as everyone else does, ya know? I don't know, maybe I'm not ready? I guess there is only one way to find out, though, right?
Everyone always says, forgive and forget, but it's just not that simple. You have to live with these things you're whole life, and I just don't see myself doing either of those things. I just don't want to feel held back by it. I have a damn right to be there just as everyone else does, ya know? I don't know, maybe I'm not ready? I guess there is only one way to find out, though, right?
You are right illaminsc it is not simple to forgive and forget. And even if the conscious part of your brain forgets, below your consciousness the more primitive part of your brain is reacting. My family tree had a male similar to the one you talk about. He had seven kids. After he died one of the daughters wanted his brain examined to see what was wrong with him. You can imagine what the daughters went through in that family.
I guess the only thing I would suggest to people in your situation, is to watch out for any potential substance issues (e.g. do you drink a lot when you are depressed), and how do your past traumas impact the intimate relationships you may have. I would think it would be very difficult for anyone who has been sexually abused to trust fully in a relationship, since your trust was so badly damaged when you were young. That may be something you will have to work on with your bf/gf or partner. Hopefully you meet someone who is understanding.
Keep your head up- I am glad you called your therapist.
