Been thinking, are most guys selfish and unconcerned with how other guys feel?

  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Oct 22, 2012 11:45 AM GMT
    So this all started a couple weeks ago. This guy I'd always wondered about and I swapped #'s. He said he was having friends in town so we couldn't hang out that weekend but he'd be in touch. I read that as potentially a blowoff. Thats fine. Then the following Monday I'm getting on a plane and I leave my brand new (<1 week old) iPhone 5 in the airport and don't realize it until we're about the take off. And its gone. I spend a week and a half fighting with Asurion then they ship the phone to my house. So yesterday I run into said guy, who wort of flippantly says "I texted you a couple times and you never got back to me about lunch or dinner." I told him what happened and got "Sure sure, I bet." I have to say, that for the past 24 hours, this has really bothered me that this guy thinks I'm a flake. I actually WANTED to go out with him and even if I didn't, he deserved some sort of a response.

    So that got me thinking and looking back. My ex, who I occasionally text with, will respond maybe 40% of the time. The couple times I've called him out on it, I get a very defensive "I was in school or I didn't see your text." Now, I guess he forgets that for the 3 years together, the only time the phone was not glued to his hand was when he was swimming or having surgery. I have another friend like that, who responds maybe 1 out of every 2 texts. Now, he is a busy doctor so I would never expect an immediate response, especially during working hours but weeks go by and I will get nothing, even if I ask a question. And don't even get me started on the guys who just disappear one day.....

    So, do guys just flake out and its acceptable behavior? I find that when people don't want to discuss things they just ignore it. Another pet peeve I've noticed is, even very good friends can't go out of their way if its not convenient or something they want to to do. I once asked a buddy of mine to please come help me move something at my house (he lives like 5 minutes away). The response was "I gotta hit the gym and get my haircut later." I was like "It will literally take 3 minutes." "I know man, but I'm already dressed to go workout." I would NEVER do this, instinctively. I don't really WANT to ride with a friend 8 hours in the car to literally pack up the rest of his stuff at his apartment and turn around and come home. But I'm going to do it, even tho I have to rearrange a bunch of work stuff that day.

    Am I crazy or was I just raised differently? I think people deserve the courtesy of a a timely response and if you are a friend to someone, you occasionally have to rearrange things to help them out. Maybe its just me....
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    Oct 22, 2012 1:52 PM GMT
    Crazy? No, needy? Yes. No one deserves a call back or text, especially the crazy or needy and guess what? Your friends know you and have figured out that your needy texts do not always deserve a reply.
    Men are not selfish, you are, thinking every stupid text or attempt to get a finger in the dyke of some old flame is deserving of attention.
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    Oct 22, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    on a different angle, i think it's the nature of technology. we are no longer in an age where every inquiry gets a response. people can just hide behind technology and we all do it at times, legitimately or not. and it becomes the new norm. it's kinda like the difference between a city person and a country boy, the expectations of your neighbors are completely different.
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    Oct 22, 2012 3:46 PM GMT

    "And its gone. I spend a week and a half fighting with Asurion then they ship the phone to my house."

    So... why not just show the guy or tell him you have the packaging and way-bill receipt from the shipping of the phone?

    You could have also told him that there are other people wondering what happened to you as well. (I'm assuming he's not the only person you text regularly with?)

    Take a read on RJ for example and you'll see scores of posts over history about flakes that use all kinds of excuses for leaving someone in silence. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 22, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidCrazy? No, needy? Yes. No one deserves a call back or text, especially the crazy or needy and guess what? Your friends know you and have figured out that your needy texts do not always deserve a reply.
    Men are not selfish, you are, thinking every stupid text or attempt to get a finger in the dyke of some old flame is deserving of attention.

    I must respectfully disagree. I think it's terribly rude and inconsiderate to respond to a message. Especially a "potential boyfriend". I mean, even if someone is needy I think they especially need to be told to cool their jets and be told the truth.

    But most people are selfish. Men and women. Women are more likely to take you for everything you have. Men just make you feel bad about yourself.
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    Oct 22, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    After my brother received (much more than) his share of Mom's money and jewelry, a 20-minute drive from Hershey, Pa--the sweetest place on earth-- became "too much of a bother" to visit his Mother as she spent five weeks in a hospice dying of terminal cancer.

    Try to put things into perspective.
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    Oct 22, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    I understand where you're coming from. I do believe technology does play a role with the lack of communication. I think the interesting thing is for the people who are more laxed when it comes to responding will be more responsive if there's something they're after.

    I say don't worry too much about other people who exhibit flaky behavior, just do your own thing and be an example of what you'd like to see and you will more or less attract similar people.
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    Oct 23, 2012 12:41 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidCrazy? No, needy? Yes. No one deserves a call back or text, especially the crazy or needy and guess what? Your friends know you and have figured out that your needy texts do not always deserve a reply.
    Men are not selfish, you are, thinking every stupid text or attempt to get a finger in the dyke of some old flame is deserving of attention.


    I agree 100%. If they are not replying, they arent really interested, learn to get over it.
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    Oct 23, 2012 1:09 PM GMT
    i think the most common scenario is:

    Horny guy feigns dating interest because he wants to score.

    Clueless guy reads dating interest as dating interest, not arousal.

    Horny guy moves on to something else.

    Clueless guy is confused by hot/cold dating interest that was really just a guy wanting to bust a nut. Or a confused guy who needs to couch his primal desires in relationship terms so he doesn't feel guilty about sex.

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    Oct 23, 2012 1:31 PM GMT
    If you told him the scenario and he didn't believe you I would say well fuck off then. If he thinks you'll lie about something dumb like that then its just a sign of insecurity. You can never tell if someone is lying or not but if your gonna try to start some relationship (intimate or friend) there needs to be a level of trust.

    About the texting thing I think people are WAY too attached to their phones. We have so many ways of communicating with people these days people get so upset when they don't get a response immediately...just chill out...people have lives and don't always have their phones with them and if they do so what? if they didn't want to take the time to answer you, you know your not high up on their priority list so don't put them up on yours.

    also your friend sounds like a douche..just saying...get new friends.
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    Oct 23, 2012 1:39 PM GMT
    Egro_Nadley saidon a different angle, i think it's the nature of technology. we are no longer in an age where every inquiry gets a response. people can just hide behind technology and we all do it at times, legitimately or not. and it becomes the new norm. it's kinda like the difference between a city person and a country boy, the expectations of your neighbors are completely different.


    Id say this.

    Yea technology is nice but what happened to face to face interactions?
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    Oct 23, 2012 1:41 PM GMT

    I myself will ignore a situation that I do not feel like being in. Just let it pass me by.

    I'm good when it comes to keeping my word on a set meet or responding, but I do take priority with work and school. I won't even know someone texted me during a work shift. No offense, but I have to get things done!

    I think many people need to actually think about how they are willing to treat others. For me, I've decided to take the "give some - get some" (e.g., I will not treat someone like an adult if they are acting childish) approach which works well for me. When this is decided I feel you have better means to stay true to your commitments with others.
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    Oct 23, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    It's going to vary from guy to guy. Some guys are more responsive than others. With my straight buds, we'll send very short texts. I try to communicate using the least amount of words and sometimes I see the texts I receive as "fyi/no response needed."

    We don't know the situation with your ex or this guy. But I will say that I tend to see that the more feminine a guy is, the more likely he is to send a lot of texts and lengthy texts. The more masculine the guy, the least likely he is to respond and the more of a guessing game you'll be playing. Again, this is just my experience.
  • JosephC

    Posts: 92

    Oct 23, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    Myol saidIt's going to vary from guy to guy. Some guys are more responsive than others. With my straight buds, we'll send very short texts. I try to communicate using the least amount of words and sometimes I see the texts I receive as "fyi/no response needed."

    We don't know the situation with your ex or this guy. But I will say that I tend to see that the more feminine a guy is, the more likely he is to send a lot of texts and lengthy texts. The more masculine the guy, the least likely he is to respond and the more of a guessing game you'll be playing. Again, this is just my experience.
    So that is what's going on. I thought I was the only one who saw this as a problem. Well my question is, was the guessing game really worth it?
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    Oct 23, 2012 2:46 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    Egro_Nadley saidon a different angle, i think it's the nature of technology. we are no longer in an age where every inquiry gets a response. people can just hide behind technology and we all do it at times, legitimately or not. and it becomes the new norm. it's kinda like the difference between a city person and a country boy, the expectations of your neighbors are completely different.


    Id say this.

    Yea technology is nice but what happened to face to face interactions?

    Agreed*
    There should be a point when dating someone, that the relationship should tread water without the support technology. Whenever it happens, it happens; the point is that IT SHOULD!
    Like me, and this ridiculously fantastic guy...we're still working on getting to know each other in mail, in time he should have an email, then my facebook, and hopefully I can work up the guts to talk to on the phone, time and again.
    icon_cool.gificon_wink.gificon_biggrin.gificon_razz.gif
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    Oct 23, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    I don't know about any of you but I hate text messaging. I ignore almost all of my texts and figure if there was something genuine to say or ask, they would call or even email I suppose. I think there's a problem when 14 year olds are getting carpel tunnel syndrome from using their phones to much.

    To the OP, how about a different method of communication?
  • NY152kj

    Posts: 23

    Oct 23, 2012 3:40 PM GMT
    Well, I am one of those guys that "flakes" on text messages if a guy I'm not really interested in asks for my number. Why? Because I don't have the guts to say I'm not interested. The other reason is that the person might continually text to get a response out of me which becomes makes me angry and I still wont respond. The thing is, if we barely know each other, stop texting me as if we were bf and bf! This, my friend, is the kind of person you reminded me of. So, control your emotions and don't take things so personally. If a guy doesn't text you, don't try guessing why he isn't. Just shrug it off and move on. In the sceme of things, text's don't matter. Face to face contact is more important. Heck, sometimes I prefer the nostalgia of the days when people sent letters. That's how it has been for thousands of years. And just now in the past 10 years people are freaking out if they don't get a text response? Does this sound crazy to you? icon_eek.gif
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    Oct 23, 2012 7:00 PM GMT
    So this is all about trying to get people to agree with you.
    I see.
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    Oct 23, 2012 7:12 PM GMT
    melloyello said Been thinking, are most guys selfish and unconcerned with how other guys feel?
    Yes, and it's not exclusive to gay guys.
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    Oct 23, 2012 7:12 PM GMT
    Yes.
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    Oct 23, 2012 7:30 PM GMT
    NY152kj saidWell, I am one of those guys that "flakes" on text messages if a guy I'm not really interested in asks for my number. Why? Because I don't have the guts to say I'm not interested. The other reason is that the person might continually text to get a response out of me which becomes makes me angry and I still wont respond. The thing is, if we barely know each other, stop texting me as if we were bf and bf! This, my friend, is the kind of person you reminded me of. So, control your emotions and don't take things so personally. If a guy doesn't text you, don't try guessing why he isn't. Just shrug it off and move on. In the sceme of things, text's don't matter. Face to face contact is more important. Heck, sometimes I prefer the nostalgia of the days when people sent letters. That's how it has been for thousands of years. And just now in the past 10 years people are freaking out if they don't get a text response? Does this sound crazy to you? icon_eek.gif

    Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying if two people just met. I'm saying if one party is playing himself and the other guy up with text messages at first.

    "Hey cutie"

    "I really like you...."

    You know ... stringing someone along. And...I just made myself upset again. icon_evil.gif
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    Oct 23, 2012 7:34 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    Egro_Nadley saidon a different angle, i think it's the nature of technology. we are no longer in an age where every inquiry gets a response. people can just hide behind technology and we all do it at times, legitimately or not. and it becomes the new norm. it's kinda like the difference between a city person and a country boy, the expectations of your neighbors are completely different.


    Id say this.

    Yea technology is nice but what happened to face to face interactions?


    I'd show your face some intimate interactions. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 23, 2012 8:02 PM GMT
    Montague said
    Chainers said
    Egro_Nadley saidon a different angle, i think it's the nature of technology. we are no longer in an age where every inquiry gets a response. people can just hide behind technology and we all do it at times, legitimately or not. and it becomes the new norm. it's kinda like the difference between a city person and a country boy, the expectations of your neighbors are completely different.


    Id say this.

    Yea technology is nice but what happened to face to face interactions?


    I'd show your face some intimate interactions. icon_wink.gif


    I bet you would you dirty bitch!icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 23, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
    Pretty unfortunate you don't have guys are are a little more diligent and a little more forgiving. I try and be diligent about messages, unless there is a reason given for me not to be.. like the guy was rude to me or did something to offend me.

    Regarding "late or missing" issues where they don't respond in a timely manner.... I try and always be reasonable. I like the "3x and your out" approach. Give the guy 3 attempts to get it right.. if he isn't kick him to the curb and don't look back after the 3rd attempt.