gay relationships vs hook-ups

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 1:20 PM GMT
    Last night an acquaintance and I went out to shoot some pool at a local gay bar. There weren't that many people around so we were able to carry on a conversation. Having only met a couple of months ago, via a gay/bi men's social group, this was our most in-depth conversation and I explained my situation to him--married, bi, happy with female partner but seeking relationship with a man as well. I told him that I don't just want random hook-ups. I want relationships. Not just physical encounters, but intellectual and emotional as well.

    His response really disturbed me. He said being gay IS about a series of random hook-ups. He doesn't believe gay men (he didn't say whether he thought this applied only to gay men or women as well) are able to have long-term, stable relationships. I agree that no one individual can be everything to and for a person, and this applies whether straight, bi or gay, but I do believe that people of all orientations can find stable, fulfilling, long-term relationships. I told him I know gay couples who have been together for 20 or 30 years.

    I think he's not been able to find a stable, long-term relationship, so he's jaded. What are your thoughts and experiences? Do you know gay couples who have formed stable long-term relationships? Do you seek such? Do you believe it is possible?
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Oct 22, 2012 2:37 PM GMT
    That's a certain type of gay guy. The catch 22 for you is that's usually the only type that'll be interested in a married or attached guy. And it'll prob only be for hook-ups. But some guys consider regular hook-ups a relationship, so I guess it's all subjective.

    Do I know many gay male couples in stable LTRs? No.
    Do I seek relationships? Sometimes.
    Do I believe it's possible? Yes. Likely? No. Possible? Yes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 2:41 PM GMT
    Wait...gay relationships that aren't hookups??? I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
  • hockeydude12

    Posts: 169

    Oct 22, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    Don't let his take on the gay world get you down. Just search through the forums on here and you'll see how many guys on here are looking for stable, long term relationships. In response to your questions:

    Do I know many gay male couples in stable LTRs? YES
    Do I seek relationships? YES
    Do I believe it's possible? Yes, for sure. It just depends on where each person is in there life. Some people aren't ready for a stable relationship until they are 40, some are ready when they are 20.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    There's been thousands of words spent on this subject, and it comes up as possibly one of the deepest issues in the gay community today. It's emblematic of the superficiality label commonly applied to the gay community.

    The evolution is straightforward: From 1930-1980 there has been zero-to-little chance of an open gay relationship reflecting the same values of monogamy and commitment as hetero relationships.

    Relations between gays and lesbians were often fleeting, or relationships were very private. Sexual experiences, be they in the park, truck stop, senator's mansion, etc, were by nature fleeting, superficial experiences.

    Fact is, the gay community, either because they could not adopt by law and start families or because there was a lack of an inclination, did not evolve the same way as hetero relationships did with the traditions and cultural values.

    Technology allowed the gay community to remain, in large part, superficial, making substance and depth elusive. You can know if your potential sex partner likes to be pissed on, but you haven't seen their face or got their name.

    Because of factors like the law, cultural attitudes and societal acceptance, technology like the internet, the gay community in 2012 looks a lot different than what it would look like had there been openly gay couples, societal acceptance, tolerant attitudes, adoption policies, etc back in 1950.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    I also want it on public record that I fully recognize the irony of having my nipples in my profile picture when I write this.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 22, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    There truth to that. None of my relationship last more than 3 years. Either he leave me or I leave him. Frankly, I am giving up on all this long term relationship stuff. Just take one day at a time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 3:09 PM GMT
    makavelli saidI also want it on public record that I fully recognize the irony of having my nipples in my profile picture when I write this.


    Love the self-awareness! :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 3:20 PM GMT
    I think it's possible, and I think that a lot of guys desire it.

    The only thing that I could point to that makes it harder is that depending on where you live it is harder to have a relationship out in public without being made to feel self aware or uncomfortable.

    Enjoying a dinner or activity out is meant to strengthen a relationship, not be another challenge to face. So if you can block out other people or live in an area where legitimately no-one cares, then there should be just as much opportunity to form a long term relationship as any other couple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    I go through phases in and out of both, unless I get grounded in a relationship, than I'm solely about that. Its far too easy to become a man hoe... I fight it off as best as possible, before I bore of it.icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 3:40 PM GMT
    Get a divorce first before taking on the gay world...
  • TennisJock10

    Posts: 208

    Oct 22, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    Big_C saidGet a divorce first before taking on the gay world...


    Haha! I thought we were just glossing over the fact that he was married. How does your wife feel about it?
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Oct 22, 2012 3:57 PM GMT
    Big_C saidGet a divorce first before taking on the gay world...


    ....except he said his marriage an open relationship, and his wife is cool with it. A lot of gay couples do the same thing.
  • vacyclist

    Posts: 162

    Oct 22, 2012 4:09 PM GMT
    For the record I am happily married to a wonderful woman, and simultaneously have a loving relationship with a man. Two exceptional people (not including myself in that category--I'm just different from most people). Both relationships exist within a framework of openness and authenticity, and are sustained by deep intellectual & emotional connections in additional to SEX.

    So it IS possible, Stigandir, I'd be happy to chat in private if you'd like.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    hockeydude12 saidDon't let his take on the gay world get you down. Just search through the forums on here and you'll see how many guys on here are looking for stable, long term relationships. In response to your questions:

    Do I know many gay male couples in stable LTRs? YES
    Do I seek relationships? YES
    Do I believe it's possible? Yes, for sure. It just depends on where each person is in there life. Some people aren't ready for a stable relationship until they are 40, some are ready when they are 20.

    This* to it's limits every chance I'll get! Wish I could move closer to all these LTR Hopefuls right now!!! icon_wink.gificon_razz.gificon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 4:30 PM GMT
    I do believe that men can have stable relationships. I have a few friends who have been with their significant other for 12, 16, 17 years. My other half and I are going on 7 here in the begging of the new year and plan on our life together forever.

    Some people are meant to have relationships and some aren't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 5:01 PM GMT
    Kalifornication saidI do believe that men can have stable relationships. I have a few friends who have been with their significant other for 12, 16, 17 years. My other half and I are going on 7 here in the begging of the new year and plan on our life together forever.

    Some people are meant to have relationships and some aren't.


    +1
  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Oct 22, 2012 5:11 PM GMT
    I've found a lot of older men feel this way. It's sort of this counterculture thing where they might feel like being in a long-term relationship is trying too hard to conform to society. That if someone wants to get married to a man, they're just brainwashed by society to want that, while the true human state is to want hookups. So they think they're just being "true to themselves" by only having NSA sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 22, 2012 9:33 PM GMT
    Yes.
    Yes.
    Yes.

    Some people aren't looking for a long-term partnership or don't think they can have one.
  • jwand09

    Posts: 91

    Oct 24, 2012 4:42 PM GMT
    That dude sounds like a damage person......LTR RULE!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 24, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    great_scott said
    Big_C saidGet a divorce first before taking on the gay world...


    ....except he said his marriage an open relationship, and his wife is cool with it. A lot of gay couples do the same thing.



    Sometimes I just wonder about that... Is it fair to the other person? Brit his wife or his new gay lover? I couldn't do that.