Advice on how not to be needy and not too busy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 3:44 AM GMT
    I'm kind of a binary guy when dating - I'm too needy or too busy

    Most of the times I feel like I'm a needy person - 1 or 2 dates is enough for me to get attached to someone and start imagining stuff. It also interferes with my personal life, I lose focus on what I'm doing, start cancelling stuff to make time, etc.
    I think it goes without saying that I end up hurting myself in the end. And I keep doing it even though I try to keep my expectations low.


    On the other hand when I focus on myself that's ALL I do. I stop dating and sometimes even stop seeing friends for a few weeks.
    It feels like I don't care about other people but I actually do. It's just that I don't feel like interrupting whatever I'm working on to be with other people.

    My closest friends are used to it, but dates and other people aren't so forgiving. Actually my only long lasting relationship with a guy was because he was way more needy than I was. I broke up with him because I felt suffocated.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to control myself better? How to balance my neediness with everything else?

    PS: English is not my main language. Sorry if my text didn't make much sense or for any other typing mistakes.
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    Oct 24, 2012 9:39 AM GMT
    It's sadly one of the games that guys play. If you're too busy then you just can't find time to go out, but if you're too available then it turns guys off. If you can find the right balance where you'll find time in your schedule to go out and still maintain an active life and interests outside the guy you're seeing.

    Then you mentioned your neediness. That's a whole other can of worms. What do you need? Validation? Attention?
    Since you were on the other side, you can see how being with someone needy is a turn-off.
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    Oct 24, 2012 12:05 PM GMT
    Macaque saidIt's sadly one of the games that guys play. If you're too busy then you just can't find time to go out, but if you're too available then it turns guys off. If you can find the right balance where you'll find time in your schedule to go out and still maintain an active life and interests outside the guy you're seeing.

    Then you mentioned your neediness. That's a whole other can of worms. What do you need? Validation? Attention?
    Since you were on the other side, you can see how being with someone needy is a turn-off.

    When I meet someone nice I feel a strong bond with that person. It's like a mix between excitement and curiosity, all I want to do is to know him better and hang out more.

    However I also want to know if the other person feels the same way. So I end up texting too much and saying things like "I like you" just to see what the guy answers and try to guess what he is thinking based on that.

    Creepy, I know. Even though I know I shouldn't do that I still worry too much about what he feels. I keep having to hold back but it's really hard.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:31 PM GMT
    I used to be really needy.

    Then I finally gave up trying to force people to feel things they didn't feel. Since, you know, you can't. If they don't feel it, that's that, just cut your losses.

    You don't need to ask people how they feel. Trust your gut.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:32 PM GMT
    At the same time, you have to be able to metacognitively assess your emotional states. You shouldn't feel so invested in someone for anything less than several months. Anything else is weakness and hormones. Back it up with real intimacy as time progresses before calling it anything but infatuation.
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    Oct 24, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    Learn the rules of codependency, because you can't break the rules until you learn them.
  • pharmstudent

    Posts: 162

    Oct 24, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    The problem is you're only thinking about satisfying your needs. It's perfectly fine to be the obsessed or needy type in a relationship but use your senses and judgement to dial the amount of space you should give to your dates. icon_neutral.gif

    Build your feedback mechanism..
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    Oct 24, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    i actually see a bit of OCD and ADD poking up here. Try to take a breath, step back and stop before you go ahead in any given situation. It tends to give you a new perspective. Life takes time to live and too many want to rush through it....why? that's what it's all about, taking time to enjoy it, taking it slow, its not about how much you can guzzle down in the moment, its about enjoying it a bit at a time, and savoring it..
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    Oct 25, 2012 12:50 AM GMT
    redacting saidAt the same time, you have to be able to metacognitively assess your emotional states. You shouldn't feel so invested in someone for anything less than several months. Anything else is weakness and hormones. Back it up with real intimacy as time progresses before calling it anything but infatuation.



    +1
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    Oct 25, 2012 12:55 AM GMT
    Never again!
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Oct 25, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    You need some psychiatric or psychological help to reslove this issue. Most of us need that from time to time, so it's not a criticism. Just a suggestion. Big breath in through your toes and out through you're head. Make the call.
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    Oct 25, 2012 3:06 AM GMT
    They both kill relationships, but I actually think being too needy is the worse of the two. I mainly say this because I've fawned and pined over guys who could barely give me a minute of their time any given week, while someone too needy it's more like egh too much bye forever.
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    Oct 25, 2012 3:13 AM GMT
    What everyone else said. icon_neutral.gif
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    Oct 25, 2012 3:13 AM GMT
    Seriously, space isn't a bad thing. It really builds excitement of seeing the guy the next time instead if being careless about it. Keeps it interesting. But don't go as far as ignoring the other person. You can keep in contact through the phone when you're not together. Just go about your business and run your errands of the day, and be spontaneous when you feel like seeing him.
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    Oct 25, 2012 2:23 PM GMT
    Endeavor saidSeriously, space isn't a bad thing. It really builds excitement of seeing the guy the next time instead if being careless about it. Keeps it interesting. But don't go as far as ignoring the other person. You can keep in contact through the phone when you're not together. Just go about your business and run your errands of the day, and be spontaneous when you feel like seeing him.

    I think I can do that. It just bothers me a little when the other guy is texting/calling me too much if I'm busy, so they usually get mad that I don't answer as often as they think I should.

    @barriehomeboy: I've considered looking for a psychologist before but for other reasons. I might consider that again when I have some free time.

    Ariodante saidThey both kill relationships, but I actually think being too needy is the worse of the two. I mainly say this because I've fawned and pined over guys who could barely give me a minute of their time any given week, while someone too needy it's more like egh too much bye forever.

    I kind of agree with you even if I'm the needy one most of the times. But I never fawned over someone who was being distant, I lose interest quickly when I notice them doing that. I hate feeling like I'm wasting time with something that's not being either useful or fun.
    I have a hard time not ignoring people when I'm busy, but if it's the lesser evil of the two I'll try working from there. Keeping myself busy and remembering to add them to my "schedule" should be a good start I guess.

    Thanks for the advice everyone icon_smile.gif