I get it now.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 7:20 AM GMT
    I didn't realise it was going to be this long.. but it is.. needed to share it somewhere

    I get why guys are bitter and distant from having a relationship.

    I get why I'm withdrawing from it. Not scared of it but not interested in it happening.

    I don't fall for any guy, hell, I scare a lot of them off before there is any chance of that even happening. I know some people see how terrifyingly strong willed I am, How self assured I am and insanely determined i can be. I've never been afraid to go after something head on and everything else be damned and if I get knocked down I'm up again forcing things forward. I've never been afraid of a guy or scared of rejection. I've been called obsessive by more people then I can count. Friends call it passionate and determined hahaha it's probably obsessive

    except for a small few but it was less about rejection and now I'm starting to realise more about their perceived weakness based on previous experience with one certain guy and not wanting to experience that again. I was with someone for a very long time who was to scared to be honest with me.

    Anyway, I understand or I'm coming to understand why guys take them selves off the market and simply stop bothering.

    And I get where I'm going wrong and I can't bring my self to change this one aspect of my self cause it scares me that it'll influence every part of my life that's good.

    When I meet the right people I fall easily. Incredibly easy. I don't start that whole lets move in together crap, I don't start saying I love you or anything like that, but the feelings develop strong and very quickly and they take ages to fade.. I don't do clingy, I do trusting, I let them do what they want, I don't question them, I don't even think to.

    With my ex, lets just call him CJ, it took me simply weeks to know I felt something significant with him, 4 months to admit it to him, almost 4 years experiencing so much with him and then 6 years wondering what it was I was doing wrong and to stupid to realise he didn't feel the same way anymore (even though he said he felt the same as me)

    That ends.. on a good note, I took a massive emotional beating, by my own fault I will admit. I walked away both a better man and a greatly damaged one, I've baggage now that I didn't before.. but I understand what it is and handle it well, I don't get surprised. But even now, I love him just as much as I did at the start. Although I never want to be in a relationship with him again I love him all the same and his success in life and love make me just as happy now as they did then.

    (Nothing between CJ and the next one)

    Then there was number 2, Call him Squishy (that was his nick name i gave him, cause I loved cuddling him in bed) anyway, same deal, bam, feels within weeks, months to admit anything, hell it took me 2 months to even say we are probably dating. Spent almost a year and a half. He's met CJ, CJ likes him.. honestly didn't care about that I just thought I wanted sex hahaha.

    Squishy makes a massive mistake and I couldnt move on from it.

    it ends..

    Still feel exactly the same as I did at the beginning.

    (Couple of random guys nothing serious but fun and short term)

    And then there is the last one. And again it was the same. I moved away to Brisbane.. I'm never going back to him.. I know that. I understand it and I really do accept it and I've made that decision.. but its still there.. all the feelings and even worse the pain.

    If I think the person alright, I can't stop my self from developing those feelings and I'm weary of going near people I think are alright.

    But I seriously don't wanna change that aspect of my self because of the friends I've found from what I feel is mostly due to that part of me. I meet someone I like, I find love for them that is incredibly intense and makes me behave towards them in really good ways, I become loyal, attentive, understanding, compassionate and I'll give them anything they ask. Oddly, I have not made many friends who have used me and none of them take me for granted.. Infact, I've found some of the more inspiring people.

    I have some incredibly close friendships with these people. I'm so close and honest that they have all, at times come out with things about me I had no idea they knew about simply cause they say, all they need to do, is watch me. I tell them everything because I simply trust them and don't hide (although I don't always share, they say I don't really have too though)

    So in the last 8 months while I've been out meeting people I've noticed I've been stepping back from them too and not letting them near me and I think that's affected my ability to make friendships here or even met anyone here that I find any kind of interest in.

    I also didn't really understand why I distanced myself from someone I met here until this afternoon while I sat and thought about it.

    So I get why guys are doing it, not for the same reasons, for there own reasons. Powerful reasons that are really more about protecting themselves. Cause, it's hard to learn to not do something when you've spent your life doing something and doing it without realising and having people love that about you and suddenly it's the thing that's causing you agony.
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    Oct 24, 2012 1:08 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidI didn't realise it was going to be this long.. but it is.. needed to share it somewhere

    I get why guys are bitter and distant from having a relationship.

    I get why I'm withdrawing from it. Not scared of it but not interested in it happening.

    (...)

    If I think the person alright, I can't stop my self from developing those feelings and I'm weary of going near people I think are alright.

    But I seriously don't wanna change that aspect of my self because of the friends I've found from what I feel is mostly due to that part of me. I meet someone I like, I find love for them that is incredibly intense and makes me behave towards them in really good ways, I become loyal, attentive, understanding, compassionate and I'll give them anything they ask. Oddly, I have not made many friends who have used me and none of them take me for granted.. Infact, I've found some of the more inspiring people.

    I know what you feel. Some people can open themselves up really easily to other people, but don't think of it as a bad thing just because you end up getting hurt.
    You would have ended up hurt even if you were "cold hearted" because you wouldn't have met those friends or even dated the guys you did. You would instead complain that you can't give a shit to people and no one wants to bond with you.


    I'm just like you when it comes to bonding, believe it or not. I made amazing friends that I trust and can speak everything I want to, and they can also see through my emotional barriers like if my mind was made of glass. And I also have a really hard time letting go of people that I bonded with and ended up disappointing me.

    I think there's nothing you can do about that but keep trying, because being like that is not a problem at all. It's something a lot of people wished they could do - it's a talent. We can recognize good people, trust and earn their trust back without even thinking about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 1:59 PM GMT
    Learn to edit. Or write better, or more interesting subject matter, either way, long boring posts are boring.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    So would you say you wear your heart on your sleeve in that people can easily see how you are feeling?
    Or is it more in the sense that you say your greatest strength in connecting with someone, quickly and in strong intensity, is also your weakness because it gets too intense that they push it away, or you start to realise it that you start to tone it down and put up a "guard" so to speak?

    Or is it a mixture of all the above?

    Regardless, mate it sounds like you've been through alot and my heart goes out to you mate. There's nothing really I could say I suppose except that I wish you all the best in your future.

    If it's any consolation, I think it's a particularly good trait to have because not many people are willing and capable of trusting and loving unconditionally from the get go, so I'd agree with you in not changing that particular characteristic of yours because honestly it's a nice one.

    Sorry lol, this was probably a completely pointless reply to the topic.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:37 PM GMT
    Awwww...Tanky

    icon_wink.gif
  • Import

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    Oct 24, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    Just continue doing exactly what you've always done. Don't change yourself. Can you even do that? Without it being a forced thing? Can you just say to yourself "oh, here I go....I'm starting to fall for this guy, lemme stop it right now before it gets out of hand"..... no, you kinda can't , you'll always be like that because that's just what u do. Continue to do it. You'll meet many more amazing people and have many more amazing experinces.

    With the good comes the bad....that's life. You cannot sit around and withdrawal yourself because you are scared of what might happen or could happen. Risk and reward...Risk and setbacks.... go hand in hand.

    Whatever life throws at you, you will have no choice but to get through it. Can't just lay down and die when you feel pain or a relationship does not go according to plan. You obviously know that.

    I do the same shit tho, so I should take my own damn advice. Like you, I do fall for certain people relatively quickly, but also like you I will take forever to admit it to them... I just know what I feel.... Sometimes when I start liking an individual on that level, I tell almost dread it, because i know it is intense and almost exhausting at times.

    fuck i dont even know what im saying anymore. fuck it. You're going through a bit of a "dry-spell" now... with meeting people you are connecting with, prob cuz ur head is not in the right place.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    There are some things in your post that I haven't experienced but at the same time there are lots of similarities between you and me in the rest of your post.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 24, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
    Join the club. These are the exact same reasons why I'm single. I don't fall easily, but once I fall I risk getting hurt the deepest. I'm not clingy and I'm not desperate, and I'm too trusting and giving (the last guy I was with wanted a committed relationship very fast.. and we ended up just being friends due to our different relationship styles). I've stop bothering looking for a relationship. I'm working on myself and letting life come to me.
  • Import

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    Oct 24, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidJoin the club. These are the exact same reasons why I'm single. I don't fall easily, but once I fall I risk getting hurt the deepest. I'm not clingy and I'm not desperate, and I'm too trusting and giving (the last guy I was with wanted a committed relationship very fast.. and we ended up just being friends due to our different relationship styles). I've stop bothering looking for a relationship. I'm working on myself and letting life come to me.

    atta boy.
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    Oct 24, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidLearn to edit. Or write better, or more interesting subject matter, either way, long boring posts are boring.


    +1
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    Oct 24, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It's alright to take your time, date for a while, enjoy each others company before declaring anything. It allows you to rationalize and come to conclusion if its short-term lust or truly deep emotions that will take you and this guy far and beyond. Sometimes people grow apart, and that is something that cannot be foreseen. Clearly you and your exes still care for one another, but sometimes you have to take time to grief before you can move on.

    PS: Not speaking from experience, but sharing opinion based solely on my own emotions & thoughts.

    FitGwynedd said
    smartmoney saidLearn to edit. Or write better, or more interesting subject matter, either way, long boring posts are boring.


    +1


    ^^This. If you are going to write something this long, at least make it flow and easy to read.
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    Oct 24, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidBen,

    We've all been there. We turn into turtles and withdraw into our shells. I'm still doing it after the trainwreck of my last relationship. And believe me, at my age the sands of the hourglass are running out for finding someone new, so this may be the end of the line for me romantically.

    Don't let that happen to you.

    What the hell did Squishy do that was so awful, anyway?

    This*^&
    There are times seasons for changes in our lives, some set off by age, others by processing amounts of knowledge, wisdoms, and understandings; and still others from revelations from profound life experiences. Keep in mind that you think as much with your heart, as you dog your rational mind, no matter how aware you are of it of not. With that, your mind wants to protect it'self, even from itself. You may be taking on this familiar perspective cause it's familiarity, but you also may be doing it's for simpler and less appealing reasons.
    You and I may share one uncontrollable situation. We're getting older, and with that our brains need to chill out from all the things we could ever be bombarded throughout our lives, so you need to do what menz have done in generations past pridefully, and find a certain peace where you're at and with what you know. Imho* this is usually the point where we learn what we have to pass on to those who will succeed us in society.
    Take this time as your own, and keep your head up. You have a place in the sun. icon_cool.gificon_wink.gificon_idea.gif
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:07 PM GMT
    That is so poignant, scathingly honest, and touched a nerve in me.
    Ben, i'm going through the same thing, and i know exactly how you feel.
    Thanks for posting this. You gave me alot to think about.
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:11 PM GMT
    Even being only 20 years old I kinda have the same problem as you....when I meet someone that really "hits me in my heart" I just go all for it and then in the end I get hurt. Problem is I have been trying to change that in me and not be this way but just like you said...it's difficult to change something you did your entire life.... (don't think that for being 20 years old it's easier)

    I just have one "advise" to you: stay true to yourself...that is what makes you unique and you will see that the right guy will appear.

    Big big hug
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:12 PM GMT
    musicbox89 said
    FitGwynedd said
    smartmoney saidLearn to edit. Or write better, or more interesting subject matter, either way, long boring posts are boring.

    +1

    ^^This. If you are going to write something this long, at least make it flow and easy to read.


    Oh my gosh people, it's just flippin reading like seriously if you took the time it'd only be a couple of minutes. It's not broken english, he uses whole sentences and the paragraphs are not loosely associated and make chronological sense, so just learn some patience and read the freakin thing honestly. Next thing people are going to expect it to be voice recorded so they don't have to bother looking at words ...
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:19 PM GMT
    BRoss said
    musicbox89 said
    FitGwynedd said
    smartmoney saidLearn to edit. Or write better, or more interesting subject matter, either way, long boring posts are boring.

    +1

    ^^This. If you are going to write something this long, at least make it flow and easy to read.


    Oh my gosh people, it's just flippin reading like seriously if you took the time it'd only be a couple of minutes. It's not broken english, he uses whole sentences and the paragraphs are not loosely associated and make chronological sense, so just learn some patience and read the freakin thing honestly. Next thing people are going to expect it to be voice recorded so they don't have to bother looking at words ...


    I did read the whole thing, but what has been asked is quite reasonable.
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Oct 24, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    aww Ben, I hope you don't keep to this way of thinking!
    Your still young after all icon_wink.gif

    And everyone talking about spelling mistakes, grow up! He obviously has more important things on his mind!! icon_evil.gif
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:22 PM GMT
    Aodhan saidaww Ben, I hope you don't keep to this way of thinking!
    Your still young after all icon_wink.gif

    And everyone talking about spelling mistakes, grow up! He obviously has more important things on his mind!! icon_evil.gif

    You're*
    Sorry I couldn't resist it
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Oct 24, 2012 5:23 PM GMT
    Gourry said
    Aodhan saidaww Ben, I hope you don't keep to this way of thinking!
    Your still young after all icon_wink.gif

    And everyone talking about spelling mistakes, grow up! He obviously has more important things on his mind!! icon_evil.gif

    You're*
    Sorry I couldn't resist it



    Hhahahhah I admit I'm wrong there LOL
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:25 PM GMT


    lilTanker If I think the person alright, I can't stop my self from developing those feelings and I'm weary of going near people I think are alright.


    some times you have to try on a lot of shoes before you get the perfect one... sometimes you even think you have it till you wear it for a while and realize its just gonna give you blisters. but you cant just give up on have foot wear.
    but maybe your feet need some time to rest
    maybe look at what it is you want and dont want
    and try and pin point where your going wrong
    but from what you wrote
    id say just stick with it
    you seem like an amazing guy
    your likely not the one messing things up
    you need a guy at the same stage in life as you

    you now what they say if the shoe doesn't fit....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:30 PM GMT
    We don't learn communication; we acquire it.

    Acquiring a new way of doing things is awkward and uncomfortable-- it's uncharted territory. The more willing you are the easier it gets, and for me self-will got me nothing but broken relationships and loneliness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 7:43 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidLearn to edit. Or write better, or more interesting subject matter, either way, long boring posts are boring.


    nothing like opening your heart up for a brother.......
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    Oct 24, 2012 8:05 PM GMT
    That was a understandable read,well that I know not much about you, but its like a reverse of a blooming lotus that every time you bloom out and give, there is a waste of circumstances to you , essence of life that one attracts as bees comes for its nectar and then leave.

    No worries on the Edit or Rewrite that was just as it is!, write it out by your emotions as we aren't mannequins reading for universal presentations.




    Bless you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
    Not_Superman saidI found it easy to read. I think it's easy to read anything if you care what it says.

    This^^

    I had no prob reading the entire post either.
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    Oct 24, 2012 8:56 PM GMT
    Be easy on you. The way you would be on someone you loved... you deserve to be loved *by yourself* the same way you love others.

    You are a super tender, sweet monster.
    Changing how you engage with others doesn't change who you are.
    Believing in love is hard because as we get older we are given soooo many reasons to close ourselves off.

    You just need some down time to rebound from your broken heart my sweet handsome prince. With big risks come big rewards and if you risk nothing you get nothing.

    Everything about you is big handsome. How you live and love should be no different. Now it just has to be a conscious choice that does so even knowing how shitty it can be. I believe in *Love* and I believe in you. Anyone who says otherwise on either subject are sad sacks who can go fuck themselves.

    I would rather feel wretched pain than nothing at all, but I'm sorry you are feeling the ouchies. Chin up handsome, there is no failure till you fail to keep trying. I say that with my own set of unique and pathetic perceived failings daily.

    Tippy toe hugs, cheek/neck nuzzles and head rubs for you.
    You are deflated my love... you are not defeated. xoxo