Long distance relationship and new crush....please help!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:27 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years now. We moved in together after about 9 months and lived in a one bedroom for a year in Los Angeles. I then was offered a job I couldn't refuse in Las Vegas (I'm a Paramedic), and I took it. I have been here in Vegas since January but my boyfriend remains in Los Angeles because his work is there (he works in commercials). I have been traveling back to LA every 2 to 3 weeks to see him and he has only come out here once...mostly cause my schedule is much easier to move around where he works a 9-5. Up to now it has been working for the most part but it's still difficult.

    I haven't made many friends here and up to now, no gay friends. Because I work so much (often 8 days of 12 hour shifts in a row) and travel back to LA, I haven't had time for much up here...i haven't even finished unpacking my new house I just moved into last month.

    So here is my new problem...

    There is a guy at my work whom I've always thought was attractive but never gay....also I'm taken and I don't cheat. Well this guy started talking to me recently, I think cause he saw me at the gym once. Well I come to find out he is gay and we just started talking as friends. I told him I have a boyfriend so we could only be friends, but the problem is I still find him attractive and there is some minor innocent flirting going on between us and I know he finds me attractive. I know if I was single I would go after him but I'm not. Now I love my boyfriend very much, even though the long distance relationship is a real downer, but I can't seem to shake this attraction to this new guy. What do I do to get this new guy into the friend zone? I don't want to not talk to him because I don't have many friends here and he is really nice. I would think the age difference between us would be enough (he's 20 and I'm 27), but that doesn't seem to be enough for me.

    Please help!!! I am not a cheater and I don't want to end my current relationship.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:38 PM GMT
    Practice self-discipline and think about what you might lose if you were to succumb to temptation. It sounds like you have a loving, monogamous relationship with your bf that you value tremendously.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:44 PM GMT
    It sounds to me like you want to put yourself into a dangerous situation because you very much want to give in.

    Don't do it. If you are craving affection and interaction that much, you need to talk to the bf about that.

    Make more friends, gay or straight, that you can socialize with without the undercurrent of sexual tension.

    Or... break up with your boyfriend. But don't construct any fantasies about the life you will have with the coworker. That will probably end disastrously, too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    Easy. DON'T CHEAT. There's your help.
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    Oct 24, 2012 3:00 PM GMT
    This might come across harsh or mean but honestly, if you keep spending time with him you will only make the attraction grow more.
    The key is, now that you know you are capable of falling for this new crush guy, do what you can now to prevent it if that's what you really want.

    He's a workmate so I get it, it'd be hard to not see him. So keep conversations to a minimal, hi's and bye's and nothing to intimate in details.
    He'll eventually get the picture and probably click that it's because you have a bf and if he's a nice guy, he'll respect that.

    Right now, it's because you physically see this guy more regularly because you work together than you see your bf.

    Anyway, wish you all the best mate.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Oct 24, 2012 3:10 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidPractice self-discipline and think about what you might lose if you were to succumb to temptation. It sounds like you have a loving, monogamous relationship with your bf that you value tremendously.


    This. Plus: he's 20 years old. Do you think there's going to be any staying power? Do you want to throw over a solid, loving relationship for what would most likely end up being a few weeks or months of sex? Sounds like a high sign on fee with a low return on investment. Be smart.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 24, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    starboard5 said
    DOMINUS saidPractice self-discipline and think about what you might lose if you were to succumb to temptation. It sounds like you have a loving, monogamous relationship with your bf that you value tremendously.


    This. Plus: he's 20 years old. Do you think there's going to be any staying power? Do you want to throw over a solid, loving relationship for what would most likely end up being a few weeks or months of sex? Sounds like a high sign on fee with a low return on investment. Be smart.


    Exactly, your crush is 20.... u think that's gonna last or develop into anything? You're already in a relationship. Either shit or get off the pot.... if u wanna "cheat" and get with the 20 y/o then break up with ur LDR boyfriend and get with 20 y/o....

    But if u truly value and respect ur current relationship then don't do that. . . Have some will-power. He's 20 y/o i'm sure he is absolutely dreamy, but think long-term, monkey
  • stol

    Posts: 82

    Oct 24, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    A crush is not the same as love. If you're not mature enough to see the difference and are willing to throw away the love for a fuck, you're either not mature enough to be in a relationship, sex is more important to you than love, or you are not really in love. If you decide to move on the 20 year old, as the guy above said, have enough respect for your boyfriend to break up with him before you do it.
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    Oct 24, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    Yogi567 saidEasy. DON'T CHEAT. There's your help.

    This*
    But if you wanted someone to tell things that ease your mind about cheating, rewrite your OP; be honest with yourself, and this guy you call your boyfriend; because words are worthless, unless you support them with actions!
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    Oct 24, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    Thanks for all your input so far.

    Let me just be clear that I DON'T want to end my relationship with my boyfriend and this guy at work knows I have a boyfriend and even told me he wouldn't let me do anything. I just want to know how I can suppress the attraction I seem to have. I'm not going to just hook up with this new guy, I'm not like that. But I get what you are saying since I don't see my bf as much anymore and I see this new guy all time time. Thanks for the input...keep it coming and no need to be reserved about your answers...i want brutal truth! icon_exclaim.gif
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    Oct 24, 2012 5:07 PM GMT
    Years ago, I had a similar situation about 2 years into my relationship. I became close friends with the other guy, but I never cheated. That was the most important thing to me, and I knew what I would lose if I did.

    Two years after that I finally ended the relationship with my boyfriend. I'm still friends with the other guy today and my ex today. Go figure.

    ... and Yes, me and the other guy eventually had sex one afternoon (like four years later). It was phenomenal, but we have just stayed friends.

    Good Luck. No one likes a cheater.
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    Oct 24, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    well......i think you already know the brutal truth but you also want the cake and the fork and the big nod to say that it's ok to maybe just stray a wee bit. Forgive me if i'm offbase, but your decision is just plain morals and ethics. Do what is right, follow the big head and not the little one.
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    Oct 24, 2012 9:46 PM GMT

    Simply be honest in life you are anytime wiser! never loose or to be fooled! by what life is testing upon you. And life shall unfold the trust in you!
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Oct 24, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    From another view point, you said you took a job you couldn't pass up. The job must have meant something for your career to you. The fastest way to wreck a good job, and career, is to begin playing with a co worker. You playing with your future doing this. Tell your new friend that you don't play/have relationships, other than friendships, with co-workers.
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    Oct 24, 2012 11:05 PM GMT
    It's simple, don't do anything with him that you wouldn't tell your boyfriend about, that includes 'innocent flirting'.

    Really though, you need to a have long term goal/date set for you and your boyfriend to move to the same city, otherwise it's just going to get harder and harder until everything comes crashing down.
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Oct 24, 2012 11:35 PM GMT
    musclemedic702 said
    Please help!!! I am not a cheater and I don't want to end my current relationship.


    Well, there you have it. Prove it.
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    Oct 24, 2012 11:51 PM GMT
    I changed shifts and when I still saw the crush to much, I changed departments.
    but then I know myself pretty well, or well enough to know; I'm a week, week man.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Oct 25, 2012 12:57 AM GMT
    Ask the bf how the long-distance thing is working out for him. Most likely he's got a guy there he's more interested in that you. Life sucks, shit happens, and we all move on. It isn't pretty and you'll still remember him when you're my age, fondly.
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    Oct 25, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    Sounds to me you already have made your mind up about the new guy you just felt guilty knowing your going to have to break it off with your ex

    Neither of you two live close enough for a relationship to work and if your tempted already it was never going to last anyways. Its better to break up now and move on with your life then linger trying to find a way to keep both of these guys happy.

    If it was truly ment to be you know what Youll find your way back to LA and things will all work out for the best but that is what fairytales are and you live in the real world

    So just break up with your boyfriend, start dating the new guy and move on with your life

    Let your current boyfriend move on with his life as well (because after being alone so much he will probably find someone new too)

    I know this isnt the nicest thing to hear but I have a very realistic view on these things and I can tell you although "stick with your man as is" may sound sweet... long distance cant go on forever and eventually you either have to move back or break up with him anyways, just be glad you already found your shoulder

  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Oct 25, 2012 2:27 PM GMT
    Don't lose something good over 5 minutes of pleasure.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Oct 25, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    Firstly, I am really glad that you recognize that you have a relationship that works; one that you won't trade for anything. Secondly, this new guy can certainly be a friend, but you have to ask yourself some question. Could it eventually lead to more than friendship in the long run? If this is the case, I would suggest that you maintain your relationship with him to strictly professional level. I know its easy for me to say, but that is what you are going to have to do in order for you to not lose something important in your life. It is as easy as evaluating one's choices and figuring out where one stand. Where do you stand?
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    Oct 25, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    It's ok to be in a relationship and find other people attractive.
    The important thing is not to do anything that would violate your relationship with your man.

    So be friends with this new guy if you can limit it to just being friends. If you can't then keep your distance or break up with your man or talk to your man about having an open relationship.
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:19 AM GMT
    Macaque saidIt's ok to be in a relationship and find other people attractive.
    The important thing is not to do anything that would violate your relationship with your man.


    Thank you....because most everyone was reading it the wrong way that I wanted to do something with the new guy. My issue was that I just find him attractive, so thank you for telling me that