Getting over a crush

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2007 3:25 PM GMT
    Any advice on getting over a crush?

    My problem is I have it so bad, I almost feel like a stalker. Well, not a stalker, but I seem to find any excuse to be around him, call him ect..

    He started avoiding me.. so you would think I could take a hint. I just remember how he seemed so interested. All the flirting ect made me think he was into me.

    I saw him yesterday and he seemed pissed that I dared stop to say hi. I don't understand. His bottom lip looked like it was turning blue.. Not sure if he was biting it, angry or it was just a hateful look.

    The worst for me is how we seemed to connect and he has never told me anything.

    I think he will take a long time to get over, especially since it was such a emotional connection.
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    Aug 21, 2007 3:30 PM GMT
    I forgot to add.. this comes from a previous post of mine.

    Neither one of us are really out. I am not even 100% sure he wants to be or what his status is on secrecay. Hell , I may be bi, don't know.

    Anyway, I am wondering if he thinks I am not serious. Maybe thinking I am just trying to out him?

    I thought about writing him a note, telling him how I feel and why, about our flirting and the looks we would give each other.

    Is writing him a note dumb or weak? I sure would like to get it off my chest. If he hates me or isn't interested, at least he would know.

    Thoughts?
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    Aug 21, 2007 6:04 PM GMT
    Send chocolates and nylons.
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    Aug 21, 2007 6:11 PM GMT
    Time. It just takes time. I know that really doesn't help to read that, but it's really one of the only ways. I suppose you could write your emotions down and hope that he knows you're sincere, but when it comes right down to it...it's just gonna take time.

    Of course, meeting another person who makes you feel that way could help too...

    Try and put him out of your mind and focusing on coping w/ the emotions. It's all a cycle I think. Being depressed, upset, frustrated, angry, apathetic...and eventually, over it :)
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Aug 21, 2007 6:28 PM GMT
    You may not want to hear this but I say...be direct with him. Tell him that you have feelings for him, and you'd like to know if he might be able to reciprocate. From what you've said, it seems unlikely that you'll get the response you really want from him. However, knowing one way or the other makes it a lot easier to put it in the past and move onward, likely after a day or two of moping.
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    Aug 21, 2007 6:58 PM GMT
    I think he's already given you an answer. I think you should stay away from him and like NICKSTER said, give yourself some time to get over him.

    To keep your mind off of him, try keeping busy with other things.

    Good luck. - Jorel
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    Aug 21, 2007 7:08 PM GMT
    It seems to me that jorel1 is completely right: this guy of whom you are speaking has already told you that he is not interested in pursuing anything with you. Remember that words are not the only language: body language says so much.

    Another thing to consider is this: perhaps deep down in his heart of hearts he actually IS interested in you, but he is completely unable to do anything about it, because he is out of touch with his own emotions. You did say that he is very "closeted". This probably also means that he is not even remotely ready for any kind of emotional or romantic entanglement, let alone a real commitment. It sounds to me that he is very uncomfortable with the feelings (physical, emotional, and otherwise) that you stir in him.

    Probably best to let sleeping dogs lie.

  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Aug 21, 2007 7:34 PM GMT
    Tell him how you feel. In a note or face to face, but tell him. Let him know the you are not trying to out him, and that you respect the fact that he is not out. Don't get your hopes up though, and be ready for a bad reaction. At least then you will know.

    Mike
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    Aug 21, 2007 7:37 PM GMT
    I agree with NICKSTER that time heals all wounds (although the more cynical side of me recognizes that the opposite is true as well: time wounds all heals). Be patient with yourself as much as you are able.

    I would also suggest that a crush is often about giving away our personal power to the object of our desire. Our happiness suddenly is dependent upon this ONE person, and every odd word or glance is suddenly fraught with meaning.

    The trick -- at least I have found -- is to find your way to the place where you can take that power back. Sometimes that means an honest look inside yourself at what's driving the crush; or it may mean a conversation with the fellow to find out what's REALLY going on with him (rather than that wonderful second guessing we do when we're infatuated).

    Over the years I've learned that a crush has lost it's hold when I can finally laugh at myself about the experience. Nothing puts things in perspective faster than a healthy sense of humor about life.
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    Aug 21, 2007 7:49 PM GMT
    And I agree w/ Dolobear

    NICK
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    Aug 21, 2007 9:20 PM GMT
    I kinda get the impression that he isn't in to you. Now it's just a feeling based off of what you wrote, so I might be wrong. You could be direct with him and get your feelings out, but don't be surprised if it blows up in your face. But like someone else said, it might be the closure you need to put this crush behind you.

    My advice would be to just forget about him and move on... his signs point to "not interested". And this might just be me, but you're coming off as being a little pushy, which is kind of a turn off after meeting someone. One thing that attracts people is confidence, and being too needy and pushy in the beginning almost gives someone the impression that you are not confident. At least from my experience, when someone comes off as being WAY too into me, it kind of freaks me out a bit and throws up a little red flag... especially since they think they know me after talking with me for a few hours. I'm not sure how long you've known this guy, but be cool about it and try not to be overbearing.

    Good luck! Crushes are never fun to get over...
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    Aug 21, 2007 9:33 PM GMT
    That bit is too true JF527, what you said about them, "never being fun to get over." I'm dealing w/ that a bit myself. Having a crush on a guy who I know isn't in to me. I'm dealing, but I'd rather not be, but oh well. Can't change everything/everyone, so guess it's time I get on that boat bound for contentment and chill till I get there. :)
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    Aug 21, 2007 10:01 PM GMT
    Here's one man's suggestion:

    Write down your feelings in a journal, even if you think your thoughts are crazy. Do this when the feelings are getting intense and you feel you might act inappropriately. Think out loud, and then jot down, what it is that's inside you that is making these feelings so intense. Take guesses if that helps get the mind churning on a deeper level. Some of the answers you come up with may be frightening, but it's ok to simply be aware of them for now. You can actually work on them later.

    This is a terrific opportunity to learn about yourself, which I can almost guarantee will help make the next "crush" less debilitating and make you feel better about yourself. Do this with honesty and a genuine love of yourself and it's likely that you'll never flirt with the stalker zone again.

    Other than that, anything that gives you a broader or alternate perspective will help you get over this. Your least judgemental, most loving friend can help with this.

    Personally I think this is more about you than him. Don't take that the wrong way. Crushes are crushes because they connect with something uniquely strong inside of us, and everyone's "something" is different.

    Again, just my $0.02 (to borrow a term from Kent Brockman)
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    Aug 21, 2007 10:08 PM GMT
    that's really sound advice. My mom told us that for years growing up when we'd come to her w/ a problem, of course, she'd listen and advise, but she'd often say to write it down, explaining that afterwards, we'd often find a bit of clarity, or if nothing else, wouldn't feel quite so overwhelmed. Guess what, she's usually right :)
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    Aug 22, 2007 1:45 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the advice guys. I really like the idea of putting my thoughts down on paper.. just to try to cope.
    I am still kinda wanting to tell him. I wrote a letter talking about the good times we had and how we connected and how I feel. I just don't want there to be any doubt.

    Believe it or not, I would sleep better at night knowing he knows that I care about him. Even if he can't or doesn't want to reciprocate.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Aug 22, 2007 7:09 AM GMT
    Move on. There so many other fish in the sea. So many other good looking and handsome gay guy to be with.Why make a fool of yourself when you know he isnt intersted in you.

    I was a "fool in love" once. Shamelessly pursuit some guy that obviously not interested with me rather that 2 or 3 times of sex. I come to his place uninvited, kiss his hand when he dont expreciated it, telling my friend his my bf ,even though I know his not.

    Now I wonder what the hell , that I think so great about him. I feel ashame of myself, just writing this message.
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    Aug 22, 2007 3:44 PM GMT
    You could try breaking into his house and leaving any pets you might chance to come upon cooking on his stove, but that's only worked for me three or four times, so I can't really recommend it. No, I'm with the move-on posse, I'm afraid. It's not nice to hear, but generally speaking, a not-interested vibe means the guy isn't interested
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    Aug 22, 2007 5:19 PM GMT
    Kyle, I agree with all those who say to move on and I am sure that you realize that you have to but don't want to.

    May I address his behavior? The moment you explained that he was interested and then suddenly was offended by your presence (my paraphrasing, of course) I knew two things:

    1) You live in a smaller city
    2) One or both of you isn't out

    I read further and looked at your profile and confirmed both points. I knew these things because I am in a very similar place. I am out but I live in a small city in a less than enlightened place. There are so many married gay men at my gym that it isn't funny.

    I've met men here who act interested and then suddenly they are pricks, and it is at the point that they see that the interest is returned and/or other people will see that the interest is returned. They are going into their CYA mode and trying to throw you and others off the trail.

    In July, I went to New York. I was in a bookstore and a cute guy caught my eye. Then I caught his eye. We "eye danced" for a while, stayed in the same section and then finally his eyes invited me to meet him outside (you guys all know what I mean by that remark). I followed him and we talked and had a great time.

    Then I returned home. I am at a different gym than my own and I am in the pool. There's a really cute guy watching me. So I watch him. We "eye dance" throughout. Then later we are leaving the gym at the same time. I started talking to him and he was brusque and acted offended. He had to convince everyone around that he is not gay. One could make the argument that he might not have been but at this point I know.

    Gay men in small towns are afraid of being out not just because of fear of bashing, but because they buy into the masculine paradigm, that being gay is less manly and if others know then they will be perceived as less.

    I think that's what you experienced with this guy. I get it here all the time!

    As for moving on, it's easier said than done. I think the journal idea is an excellent one. I also think a good friend or listener helps a lot.

    Most importantly, realize that crushes that don't stop, and especially on a guy like this who treats you this badly, is a form of self-loathing. Remember that you DESERVE a great guy because that is what you are. This guy is not great, he is only self-protective and mentally unhealthy and who wants that in their life. Remember your own value. That's the key to happiness anyway.
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    Aug 25, 2007 9:12 AM GMT
    Ive had difficulty getting over a guy. We dated for 3 months but due to some circumstances we had to part ways... for good.

    There were times I will always look in his profile in Multiply if he has a message for me. But none. Time to let him go. Though we're still both connected in that network. We just dont talk much.

    I assume he already has a new guy. I wouldnt mind. I will have mine at the right time. ;)

    I had to move on. So far, it's worth it.

    Acceptance is the key. =)
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 25, 2007 8:50 PM GMT
    Crushes are just that ... crushes
    from what you told us I think you're going to have to let this guy come to you
    If you make any moves he's going to freak on you
    If you have to deal with him on any work related basis or you meet in social circles just be friendly...don't make any comments that might be construed as sexual
    he's dealing with something and you don't know what it is
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    Aug 25, 2007 9:25 PM GMT
    "I wrote a letter talking about the good times we had and how we connected and how I feel. I just don't want there to be any doubt.
    Believe it or not, I would sleep better at night knowing he knows that I care about him. Even if he can't or doesn't want to reciprocate."


    Honestly, if you haven't mailed the letter, I'd urge you not to.

    If you think of your crush as an "addiction," you'll realize that any contact you have with him, even in a letter or calling his voice mail, is like getting a "fix." Yes, you'll feel better for a bit, but then you'll need another fix.

    Eventually, you have to endure the process of
    "withdrawal," and the most expedient way to do that is not to allow yourself to make any contact with him at all. Arrange with a friend to call him instead of making contact with the crush. (If you've already mailed the letter, make an agreement not to contact him again.)

    Rugger's advice is good. If you pay attention to the kinds of things that trigger your obsession -- and that's what it is more appropriately called -- you'll learn a lot. In the future, you'll be able to anticipate where reacting to those triggers will take you.

    Just in case it's not clear: Don't think for a moment that the object of a crush doesn't know how you're feeling, just because you don't state it explicitly. There's little as obvious.



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    Aug 25, 2007 10:08 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the advice guys. I didn't send it. I may not ever. I did send a copy to one of the guys on here to see what he thought.

    You are right he should know... but in the back of my mind I think maybe he is not positive.

    I catch him sneaking glances at me, like he wants to tell me something. But yeah, I don't want to build false hope either..
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    Aug 26, 2007 12:31 AM GMT
    I'm glad you haven't mailed the letter. DON'T! I guarantee that you will regret it - either in a day, week, month, year, whatever - you will regret it. It will make every future encounter with him uncomfortable.

    You've been given a lot of good advice. It takes time to get over these. Sometimes it helps to find another crush, but just keep it all in perspective. Journals are great, and if you do get one, you'll see that someday in the not too distant future you'll read over your entries and laugh at how it consumed your thoughts and life. Give it time.

    I've been on both sides of this coin. Just pay it cool. You will not be able to change what's going on in his mind. And yes, he knows you're interested, and you know his answer. If you send the letter, it'll ruin any chance of him ever coming around. You don't want to be that guy he has to avoid.

    Sorry you're going through this, but such is life, with all the highs and lows. Good luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2007 3:30 AM GMT
    I am trying real hard not to.

    I just feel care about him so much and he acted like he cared about me too.

    I wouldn't trade him for Brad Pitt or Paul Walker.

    It feels good to write thoughts down here too. I appreciate all the feedback and advice. For so long, I felt like I had no one to talk to.
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    Aug 26, 2007 3:47 AM GMT
    Perhaps you could make a commitment here not to contact him again.