Long Distance Relationships

  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Oct 25, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    I know a lot of you are or have been in one. I've never tried it before, but Cleveland hasn't given me much luck, and I always see such quality guys further away. What are the pros and cons? And how far is too far? And is it assumed that you will eventually live closer/together?
  • ADL14

    Posts: 64

    Oct 25, 2012 3:53 AM GMT
    Cleveland!!! I'm from Medina! I think the crop up there is worse than it is down here. Anyways...

    I think LDRs can work for the right people. I know that I would not be one of those people. I'd have to see a guy no less than like every other day.

    For example, I don't think I could date someone farther than Columbus of Cincinnati, even that's pushing it.

    Pros:

    Better pick of dudes.
    Home away from home.
    Variety of things to do or see (traveling to each other's cities).
    Reputation unknown (for some people :lolicon_smile.gif

    Cons:

    Insecurity, trust, faithfulness during time apart.
    Finding someone closer to home (develop feelings, easier to see this person).
    Expense.
    Not seeing him often.
    Many more that I can't think of.


  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 25, 2012 4:02 AM GMT
    I'm in one temporarily for school. It's tough. Really tough. Every night I curl up alone, missing him. Our only contact is texting and occasional Skype calls. If my schooling wasn't worth the difficulty I would not be able to justify the situation.

    Voluntarily getting an LTR for convenience won't last. You'll either break up or one of you will make a stupid decision and make a financially unsound life change.

    I'd recommend not.
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    Oct 25, 2012 4:10 AM GMT
    way too draining in my opinion. eventually reality will set in.
  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Oct 25, 2012 4:33 AM GMT
    So the verdict is single forever.

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    Thanks guys.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 25, 2012 4:34 AM GMT
    kevmoran saidSo the verdict is single forever.

    tumblr_mc4jeybOA21qgu4gno2_250.gif

    Thanks guys.

    .the verdict is stop looking and let it happen. Also, amazing gif.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2012 4:41 AM GMT
    I wonder if that ever works... long distance relationships...icon_confused.gif
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    Oct 25, 2012 4:58 AM GMT
    One of the most overlooked reasons of why LDR doesn't work involve the phase where the separated couple ends up living together at the end. Most people have very optimistic idea about this phase, as they think the challenges experienced living apart will come to an end, thus all will be well henceforth.

    One of many benefits of dating someone locally is that you can spend a lot of time with that person. A person dating another from the same city/within accessible distance can gradually become used to spending more of his leisure time with his date as they grow on each other. It only makes sense that two guys who are really into each other after first couple of dates would want to see more of each other as the time goes on. This allows both individuals in a relationship to slowly expand the amount of their leisure time that they can spend with their partner without feeling suffocated due to the loss of time they would have spent individually.

    Unfortunately, couples in LDR cannot have this luxury. It is in fact convenient for couples in LDR in that they don't have to go through this transitional phase where each one of them has to eventually balance his desire to spend time with his loved one and his desire to be alone/do his own things. Loss of personal space and freedom can be one of the biggest turnoffs of committed relationships; LDR couples rarely have to face such problem as they don't even get to see each other as often as non-LDR couples would.

    The big problem starts when the LDR couple finally ends up living in the same city/within easily achievable distance. It is natural that both individuals involved will feel almost obligated to spend a lot of time together to make up for all that time lost while they lived apart. This obligation can exert the form of pressure and guilt combined that the individuals never had to deal with while in a LDR. Often, people misinterpret their feelings, and the source of their feelings. The pressure and the guilt resulting from their obligation to sacrifice their personal time can result in emotions such as frustration, or even anger. They may interpret this emotion to be caused from their lack of chemistry or compatibility with their partners.

    Even if they overcome such misinterpretation of their negative emotions, that still does not change the fact that they must overcome this sudden obligation to sacrifice their personal freedom to spend more time with their partner. Loss of personal freedom and space can cause a huge stress, especially if it is imposed on someone suddenly, rather than progressively over a long period of time. It is important for us to take time to adapt to new conditions, but this is rarely done so by couples who used to live far apart.

    With all that said, I still think that long distance relationship is possible, under the circumstance that it is well thought-out, and under realistic rules rather than "generic". The chance of LDR working also depend on the type of personality that the two individuals involved in a relationship have. Are they the type who are independent, and don't need the constant face-to-face support of their loved ones to avoid feeling insecure? Or are they the type who can't feel constantly connected to someone when they can only meet on a periodical basis?

    LDR requires a lot of work, and often has no space for optimism - you have to be honest to your partner, and vice versa. I hope this hasn't dampened your feelings, but rather gave you a new perspective on LDR.

    -Steven. Good luck!
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    Oct 25, 2012 12:09 PM GMT
    there's good and bad, I've done it twice, first was bad experience alot of shit but current is amazing, has to be the right guy, know him first, if they are loyal and willing to do it you know they really wanna be with you and care,

    if its the right guy it'll make your relationship really strong by what you guys have to go through, but it can be really hard
    like you want to have a personal convo and it's over Skype, BLOWS or how you get super needy and it's hard to not flirt with other guys when they throw themselves at you, takes alot of self control,

    you have to be very mature for it, otherwise it can hurt like hell and you can really damage a person

    In my opinion icon_smile.gif
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Oct 25, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    A lot of times in life you have to expand your horizon to find what you are looking for. Sure in a LDR you can't see the person as you would if you were with someone local but you build strong communication with that person. I think some people underestimate just how important communication is, and when you are in a LDR that is pretty much what the relationship is started on and builds off of. Yes, you will have to take trips to see the person but if you are with the right person they would also be taking trips to see you as well, it shouldn't be a one-way street.It definitely requires a certain type of qualities to make an LDR work out. I say that if you like someone go for it, if you like the person enough you will find ways to make it work. That goes for anything in life.
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Oct 25, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    For me, for a long distance relationship to work four criteria must be meet:

    1. It has to have a clear set "expiration date". Either one of you move near the other at the end of said date or it is over. Be it by the graduation date, by the end of your military tour, by the end of your overseas work contract, etc. It has to have a deadline. And I mean a real date, not something vague like "when my financials improve" or "when I get a better job".

    2. A commond ground must exist BEFORE the long distance part started. Either you and the guy where dating for some time before, or you come from very similar backgrounds (for example, you both are serving overseas).

    3. Comunication is key, and is even more important on a long distance relationship. If you are going to be away and will comunice only once in a while, you may as well be single.

    4. If you both agree it will be a closed relationship, you two has to be willing to put total trust on each other.

    So @OP, knowing a complete extranger over the internet and inmediately entering a long distance relationship is a receipe for disaster as condition #2 was never meet.

    Also, it would be a good idea asking your potential partner WHY is he willing to enter into a LDR with you. If you are both looking for a greener pasture on the other side of the fence it may be worth to re-examine yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    Are you looking for a date or a pen pal?
    Why would you want to be in a LTR with a guy if at no point do you think you're going to live together or near one another?
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    Oct 25, 2012 9:26 PM GMT
    LDRs can work if both of you are willing to put in the effort. There are quality men all over, not just in Cleveland. I say what have you got to lose? You are limiting yourself to your gayborhood if its within your 50 mile radius. YOU will be single forever because YOU didn't take the risk of casting your net further out. Those who risk, will reap the rewards.

    I have learned that many gay men simply want the convenience of sex and not the relationship; hence, they won't even look beyond their city limits (because let's face it, it's easier to obtain sex from a local rather than driving beyond two hours for it is not within their grasp). Though many will tell you the opposite that they DO want a relationship. And yes, you can waste your time on them, but it won't be lasting or fulfilling through the long term, if you get my point.

    The truth is that your soulmate is out there. YOU have to find him cause he's not going to come a knocking on your door, unless he's the UPS man dressed in brown. Trust me: I know. The first gay man whose willing to travel any breadth of distance and stand on my door step will be a true test of his love for me. To date that has not happened because many are unwilling to travel to my neck of the woods because it's too far, it's out of their comfort zone, it's not worth it so why bother....you get the point....excuse, excuse, excuse. Hence, I have to throw my net out real far, and few ever get caught in its mesh.

    During World War II men and women communicated via letters and would arrive 3-4 weeks later, yet many stood by their man or woman and waited until they got home and had a prosperous life together for years. How romantic is that?

    Today, especially in the gay community, it's all about me (first), then YOU (second). What can I get out of this? or Why do I want to invest so much time and energy dating a guy that is so far away? Or "it's too bad you don't live closer to me, then..." A relationship is about WE, not ME. Of giving of thy self, rather than being selfish. If you are both willing to make the sacrifice for THE RELATIONSHIP, then I don't see what is the problem with an LDR. Best wishes on your search.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2012 11:14 PM GMT
    without sounding like fred flintstone, penpal relationships were booming before the internet and a lot of people formed close friendships thru those. It is no different on sites like this where you im or email back and forth and develop a bond with someone. How each of you follows up is what makes the relationship live or die....ask some of the guys here that have done so and found friendship and even love.
  • Nico3687

    Posts: 108

    Oct 26, 2012 3:35 AM GMT

    I don't think there are any pros.

    Cons are plenty...skype and texts and telephone calls are great but if you're in different time zones they can be tricky; finding a partner as committed to having a skype ritual is another hurdle. Then there's the question of whether you expect monogamy....

    Not worth the headache in my opinion. Why not relocate to somewhere that's more "kevmoran friendly" and go from there?
  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Oct 26, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    viitz saidI stole my guy from Cleveland ;)


    tumblr_mban3oaPvB1r2ujzq.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2012 5:03 PM GMT
    Hear it from those who have been in one---it doesn't last. The HUGE con about it is that with distance the issue of trust....you are here and he is there...what makes you truly believe his 120% monogamous? #getreal
  • TennisJock10

    Posts: 208

    Nov 07, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    I've never had a relationship period! A lot of the guys in my city are either 100% hook-up on (Craigslist/Grindr/Jack'd) or soooo far in the closet that there is really no pro's to dating them.

    A long distance relationship can work, and I've seen it work (not necessarily well), but it takes a lot of additional work and there are issues that come up that wouldn't normally occur in a relationship where you see each other regularly. It just depends on the two individuals.
  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Nov 07, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    Dominican_Gent saidFor me, for a long distance relationship to work four criteria must be meet:

    1. It has to have a clear set "expiration date". Either one of you move near the other at the end of said date or it is over. Be it by the graduation date, by the end of your military tour, by the end of your overseas work contract, etc. It has to have a deadline. And I mean a real date, not something vague like "when my financials improve" or "when I get a better job".

    2. A commond ground must exist BEFORE the long distance part started. Either you and the guy where dating for some time before, or you come from very similar backgrounds (for example, you both are serving overseas).

    3. Comunication is key, and is even more important on a long distance relationship. If you are going to be away and will comunice only once in a while, you may as well be single.

    4. If you both agree it will be a closed relationship, you two has to be willing to put total trust on each other.

    So @OP, knowing a complete extranger over the internet and inmediately entering a long distance relationship is a receipe for disaster as condition #2 was never meet.

    Also, it would be a good idea asking your potential partner WHY is he willing to enter into a LDR with you. If you are both looking for a greener pasture on the other side of the fence it may be worth to re-examine yourself.


    best advice so dam far in this whole thing. An LDR can work if you got the willpower trust and commitment down. If you aint willing to bend your back and hack away at the coal how the fuck are you gonna get diamonds? Excuse me but I have family that evolved from a LDR and after my uncle graduated he moved to get with my aunt and they are still together and happy. So it works you just gotta be willing to commit, trust and put your all into it. (that goes for both parties lol)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2012 1:59 AM GMT
    each to his own, i personally think long distance relationships (where you dont spend the night with each other at least once a week) are stupid and the people involved desperate or delusional.