Just Thinkin'...

  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Oct 26, 2012 10:02 AM GMT
    I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself but dang!

    I love my brain, I love my eyes, I love my body. I really don't have anything to complain about myself. It's not because i'm some perfect manifestation of every man's perception of "perfection". I genuinely love who I am. I have dug in, and ground up, and flipped over so many minute details of what I consider to be valuable to human life that I have no reason to be anything but proud of my discoveries and direction in life.

    So the thing is: How do I keep my analytical self from going crazy in the search for love? My last boyfriend challenged me on so many levels (mental, physical, and emotional). I was drawn into a life that really asked me to think in ways that were very unique to anything I had experienced before.

    Since he left me I have tried dating and tried having flings/hookups. In the end all I am left with is how desparate I feel to have man who I don't find boring or "stupid" or ignorant or dull.... Long story short: I am pretentious! I have BECOME pretetious! At least this is how I feel (even with my close family). I am so disconected and annoyed with people it is very difficult to establish decent (low stressl) relationships with anybody.

    If nothing else I have been (unintentionaly) distancing myself from friends of at least 5 years. We have been so close to each other through many things but... i'm just lonely and for once in my life I can't just fix it. I'm looking for advice. How do you get out of YOUR "know-it-all" elitist pain in the butt rut?
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    Oct 26, 2012 12:05 PM GMT
    tuff...it was similar with my last, he was insane, like crazy ass person, we argue and break up everyday and we had do much in common but he could make me smile no matter what we had fought over and I knew he cared but was a ridiculously challenging relationship (twice over) and after we split for good I was bouncing from guy to guy looking for complicated and looking for that kinda passion I suppose where you fight and make up and you go crazy for each other,

    and then I met a guy and things were perfect, never argue, treats me amazing, basically just short of worshiping me lol and I was saying to friends that I didn't feel right to be with him cos I missed all that from before,

    they said I was crazy and they were right lol I'm not saying your bf was crazy like mine, maybe he was just top of the line and you want only that good (?) but I dunno you have to let go of expectations and see every relationship is different, looking back on mine I have no type if guy, but given the chance and time, each one has turned into something really great in its own right,

    So think this way, think like maybe I want more, but give a guy a chance to show ya more ;)
    I dunno my thouuughts prob not helpful lol
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    Oct 26, 2012 1:22 PM GMT
    Why did your BF leave you? Could it be that he found you "boring, stupid or ignorant or dull"? Just get off your pretentious high horse and come down and join the rest of us mere mortals, because chances are you ain't all that and a bag if chips. Be forewarned, if you don't come down off the high horse willingly, you will come to discover that Life has a way knocking you off.
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    Oct 26, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    The thing about posting stuff like this on the internet is that you're going to get a response relating similar experiences.

    There are two issues as I see it. The first is your loneliness and the second is your depth of introspection.

    The first's only cure is art. You need to channel what makes human life so valuable and which qualities make it so beautiful and expound on those in ways that fulfill you to occupy your time rather than focusing too heavily on what an ideal partner is.

    The second issue you need to learn humility and moderation.

    Nobody likes it when you claim you're deep. They will think you're pathetic.


    Rudyard KiplingIF you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
    And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
    If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;

    If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
    if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
    And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


    Loss and loneliness can also be beautiful in an aching way.

    "Art has to be a kind of confession. I don't mean a true confession in the sense of that dreary magazine. The effort it seems to me, is: if you can examine and face your life, you can discover the terms with which you are connected to other lives, and they can discover them, too — the terms with which they are connected to other people." -James Baldwin

    Also from James Baldwin, who I'm loving right now:
    "The primary distinction of the artist is that he must actively cultivate that state which most men, necessarily, must avoid: the state of being alone."
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    Oct 27, 2012 12:55 AM GMT
    I would just call it grandiosity. Now do the opposite.

    There's a saying: If you have love, you'll never find peace.

    Peace comes when we do what is natural. For me, naturally I judge people. I am self-righteous. I'm controlling. I'm also grandiose. The list goes on and on; none of these qualities are unique, because we all have them. Some just choose to live under their comfortable blankets of denial and not see them. Doing the opposite of what comes so naturally creates struggle.

    That's the place you'll find love. It's nothing more than patience and kindness.
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    Oct 27, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    imbrad saidI'm not trying to have a pity party for myself but dang!

    I love my brain, I love my eyes, I love my body. I really don't have anything to complain about myself. It's not because i'm some perfect manifestation of every man's perception of "perfection". I genuinely love who I am. I have dug in, and ground up, and flipped over so many minute details of what I consider to be valuable to human life that I have no reason to be anything but proud of my discoveries and direction in life.

    ...
    Sounds like the echoes of some loser trying to validate himself, even though he knows it's a futile task because of the apparent lack of sincerity. Gotta give you an E for Effort; though your secretly-hoped-for pity party got rescheduled for a time and place you won't be available. Sorry bout that. The rest of us will have and fun and send pics, though. icon_biggrin.gif