dating 20 yrs younger and not out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2012 12:41 PM GMT
    ok ...i need some advice here...i am a man in my 40's who has been seeing someone 20 yrs younger for the past year and a half.....i would have never thought this to be possible since i usually like men my own age and never date closeted men....i met him by chance and we became friends..then dated and now are in a 1.5yr LT.R.....its been an amazng adventure of fun laughs love and great times.....he is finishing grad school right now so he is living with his family who he is not out to.....he tells me he wants to come out when he is done with school so he can get a job and move out...he fears telling his family he is gay while he is living under there roof.....ive told him numerous times if wanted he can stay with me or move in with me if he feels pressure at home....

    the bottom line is he tells me he may not come out for another year....our relationship is limited due to his closeted status...we do see each other 3-4 times per week and have done 3 great vacations in the past year....he cant stay over and i dont see him on the holiday or any of his family functions....i feel like im losing ,my self esteen and self worth by staying with him but my love for him is strong and finding great sexy..masc/musc men with a brains, monogomy and heart is no easy task.....im a great catch ..im handsome ..or so they say...masc/musc and with a great career....

    i am concerned if i wait he may not come out when he says he will( in another year..grrrr..)and im not getting any younger here.....i know he loves me with all his heart and says he understands if i want to end the relationship ...i guess his fear of coming out out weighs his love for me..?.,,icon_sad.gif,,,..

    any adivce would be so welcomed and appreciated ----as i feels stuck here and getting depressed.....uggh.

    thanks
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Oct 27, 2012 12:52 PM GMT
    Absolutely I have advice. If you love him, understand where he's coming from and support him with everything you've got. Alex was (is) 30 years my junior. I'd always dated in my age range. He was closeted in a traditional Chinese family. In grad school two hours away. But we hung in there and after he finished, he moved in with me. Five years now. Eventually came out to his family. But that was a year or two after finishing. Give your guy time and understand and support him. If you love him. That's what it's about.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 28, 2012 2:05 AM GMT
    wow dude.
    thats crazy, but hang in there. A year will go by relatively quickly and try not to dwell on it too much. Don't let it become your main focus in life....concentrating on the fact that he is not out yet....

    give it another year or so and see what happens. If you're more happy with him than withouthim, then I think you found out your answer, right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    I can see your problem kdok111.

    The fact that you've stayed with him for a year and a half makes me think you must really like this guy to put up with him being in the closet. I would say stay with him for the time being. Give him a year, maybe thats what he needs.

    I can understand where he is coming from. I couldn't come out knowing I may be helpless in the worst case scenario. Wait for him and support him till he gets on his feet. If he still doesn't come out after that, then that is his problem, but if he lives away from his parents in a year, then at the very least you two will be able to see each other more. And if he does neither (coming out or moving out) then you would at least have the right to dump him.

    I can understand why he doesn't move in with you. Its nothing you did wrong, but if the relationship goes through a rough patch because of his family problems, he would feel like he needs to move out. Or put up with the awkward relationship for a year if it turns south.

    I'm not sure about coming out fears outweighing his love for you, but in my opinion fear sometimes overpowers love.

    Any relationship has bumps. But if you both come out of it together and still in love, he may be the one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 4:01 AM GMT
    Wow, that's quite a situation. I'd say that if you really feel strongly for him, you'll pull through. One more year isn't that bad and you gotta think back to when you were coming out, it most likely wasn't an easy process. This is probably stressing him out too because he probably wants to come out, especially for you, but the situation just isn't right yet for him. I hope that in a year's time he comes out and you two can live a happy life together icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 4:03 AM GMT
    Be prepared for the trolls on here to tell you how crazy you are, but they're also probably single and bitter. I feel like love is love. And if you've found someone special, the age difference shouldn't matter (unless you think it does.)

    As far as getting him to come out, I think of the analogy of the garden hose. It never flows well if you're stepping on it. Release the pressure about him coming out and enjoy your time with him, and you might just be surprised that he realizes how much he want it for himself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 4:58 AM GMT
    I was in your position, and, eventually, his refusal to come out(tho we loved each other) killed the relationship. It's not all about understanding his circumstances and process, as it's also about your feeling one minute the depth of love he has for you, and then the next minute, you realize he's seeing you as that thing that he cannot totally accept about himself. It's ok to stretch in a relationship, but when you begin to feel the pain of it, you have to really ask yourself whether the situation is actually meeting your needs. My habit in the past had been to make a situation work no matter what it took. This time, I realized that, as much as I felt he loved me, it couldn't go any deeper than he allowed himself to see himself as being gay and open. And that same limit applied to how deep our relationship/love could go. This is different from simply not being out at work. I still love him, but more safely, with my most intimate feelings and needs protected by having been disengaged from someone who, ultimately, answered to something outside of us when the chips were down(and, in reality, when they weren't).

    I wish you luck in this, and happiness, too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 5:04 AM GMT
    When he does come out your relationship will likely disintegrate because coming out brings out the asshole in a lot of younger guys.
  • InsatiableBlo...

    Posts: 442

    Oct 28, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    Is anyone else tired of these threads?

    He's 30 years younger! Do you think it will work out?? I mean he just turned 18 and hasn't graduated high school!.. BUT, he's so mature and we have SOO much in common.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 1:19 PM GMT
    InsatiableBloom saidIs anyone else tired of these threads?

    He's 30 years younger! Do you think it will work out?? I mean he just turned 18 and hasn't graduated high school!.. BUT, he's so mature and we have SOO much in common.



    Maybe visiting the forums isn't for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 1:42 PM GMT

    I think your BF may not want to move in with you because it will be, in a sense, coming out.
    I say this with the assumption you're both living in the same city and his parents would want to know where he's moving to, and with whom. They'd also likely want to know how the two of you know each other etc.
    If he's close to them (and it sounds like he is) their questions would be reasonable, and he'd want to be honest with them.

    Is he out socially at all? Just not out to the folks?

    lol, questions, questions.
  • runnermtl

    Posts: 129

    Oct 28, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    You need to get real.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 5:20 PM GMT
    The great love of my life is dead now 22 years (I did enjoy another 10 year relationship between now and then) yet I am first going to visit his grave. First time in 22 years.

    I attended the funeral of course but I was being driven around by others and didn't know where I was. Though his mom was very kind to me--she and my mom introduced us as "friends", actually--she was a vocal homophobe who said to me, not knowing that I am gay (my mom knew and honored our relationship) that gay people should not be allowed to teach children in school.

    Even with me in her son's bed in her home, she lived in this bubble of denial and my bud never came out to her as a bisexual. To his mom I was just a friend sleeping over as we stayed with her sometimes. So in these years, I've never been able to get myself to ask her where is my best bud buried.

    As much as I still love him, I could never do that to myself again with someone else.

    You can't force your bud to do anything he doesn't want to do. I don't believe it a measure of his love but of his fear, and maybe not even fear, but of practicality. One thing doesn't necessarily balance the other. Sometimes they function separately. So you can't necessarily say it's either this or that just because both this and that might be in play.

    I couldn't do it again. But were I to relive it even knowing what I know now, I'd live it the same as I did. Love is that pathetic.
  • FredMG

    Posts: 988

    Oct 28, 2012 5:34 PM GMT
    I think you two need to sit down and listen to a few back Episodes of "Savage Love".

    If you're BF's not out to his parents, because, maybe their paying for grad school, and maybe because they expect grand babies. that's one thing, and a fair reason for him to keep his gayness "in the closet" or toned down.

    The age difference is another issue, and it's only an issue if you both make it out to be one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 28, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    I don't get how this is a problem now but wasn't a problem a year ago or a problem when you two first met.
    Also why do you mention monogamy in your LTR when your profile says you're dating?

    If you love him, you love him. The main options are either wait for him or don't.
    If you don't love him, why are you putting up with so much stuff you don't like for so long?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 29, 2012 6:02 AM GMT
    Well, if you love him then you'll stay the status quo.

    If you don't love him, then find someone else. It's really that easy.

    Sounds like you do love him, and if it's really just one more year, then why not wait?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 29, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    Na screw that!

    Dump the bastard!

    I spent ten years with a closet case and he still is in many respects.

    Another year... what happens in another year? whats oging to change? whats going to happen then that hasn't happened now?

    And all you get is the bullshit issues about the relationship and about him..

    You as a person deserve more respect and care then that. He's focused on his issues and what he wants and how easy it is for him to have to get what he wants.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 29, 2012 6:26 AM GMT
    Must be smoking hot; all's I'm going to say.
    that
    and
    reality check? too young, not out,
    If he weren't so smoking hot, would you even be asking this.
    Because, with arms like yours, I'm not buying the hard to come by line.
    How in the hell have you two been on the down low so long; two three times a week, vacations, yet his family thinks you're just buds???
    Some serious enabling going on.