How old is too old?

  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 29, 2012 4:54 AM GMT
    First, this is my third ever post on this forum and my first ever topic.

    I confess I'm starting this thread in part as a spin off from kevmoran's thread "How young is too young?". Oh god to be 19 and have that problem.

    Sigh.

    You know, the one thing that hasn't changed much since I was 19, 45 years ago, is how horny I am. Well, maybe not quite as bad as 19 but you might be surprised one day to find yourself at my age and feeling just as (how to put it) FUCKING HORNY as you do now.

    But the truth is, this thread isn't about the question as posed in the subject line at all. That was just to get your attention.

    It's true, I am a horny old goat and I suspect I'm not unique in that regard so far as old goats are concerned.

    But one of the differences between myself and many goats both young and old is, are you ready?

    I'm celibate.

    W e l l . . . I mean to say, yeah, I do jerk off, rather a lot, actually but other than that I have no sexual contact with other human beings -- and haven't for over a decade.

    I tell people I'm a virgin.

    I figure if you haven't had sex in over a decade, you're a virgin. Nothing miraculous about it.

    Now, if you're a sympathetic crowd (and, from what little browsing through the threads I've done so far I'd say its typically mixed) you're probably wondering WHY THE HELL NOT?

    Do I have three eyes or something?

    $T2eC16Z,!)QE9s3HFiyMBQVfBRT9(Q~~60_35.J

    Well, I am kinda from another planet but that's a whole other story and if I continue to hang out in this forum you’ll figure that all out eventually anyway.

    No, I don't have three eyes. I'm not bad looking for an bald old guy. But that isn't the point.

    It is neither my appearance nor my age that keeps me from being sexually active.

    No, it isn't HIV, either. My last partner of several years was HIV+ -- I'm negative. Was then and still am.

    He's gone now but it wasn't HIV that got him. Not directly, anyway. Oddly enough, he keeled over from a heart attach while jumping up and down on his rebounder.

    icon_eek.gif

    We'd already been separated for many years. Our relationship had been one of those love at first sight kind of things. I mean, seriously, complete with lightening bolts arching across the lawn at the garden party kind of thing. He was HOT too, 10 years younger than I. And fuck, hung just perfectly. Any larger and I would never been able to accommodate him short of surgery. Not to mention the fact he had, in his youth, been a prostitute. So, he was a professional. He knew how to use it.

    Problem was, besides him being HIV+ and all, which didn't really concern me overly much, beneath his stable white collar exterior, he was butt fucking nuts.

    I, stupid me, did not know this -- and I had always considered myself an astute judge of character prior to this.

    You see, I wasn't joking about the love at first sight part. I LOVED HIM. Bad. And it wasn't just the sex, although I have to say it was the best I'd ever had in my life. No, it was all that but it wasn't ONLY all that. I loved him. I loved the man. He was handsome, strong (both masculine and feminine), intelligent, witty, insightful, thoughtful, endearing, passionate, creative, romantic, inventive (especially when it came to sex). You name it.

    At the same time he saw me. He knew me. He could look into my soul. We both had that ability. This is what our passion was like. It wasn't just 'sex' (although it most certainly was that). There was a whole other level of psychic interaction that went on between us. We were sole mates. Or, at least, perhaps it might better be said that we have known each other through countless lifetimes -- and we knew it. When ever I had my arms around him I felt like I was inside him, inside his world, and all I wanted for him was to have all the most wonderful things life has to offer. I would have given my life for him. I almost did.

    Problem was our "love" was unhealthy for us both.

    I say he was crazy because he was -- I mean institutionalizable. He was, twice, while we were together. Total drama. I'm talking drug overdoses, razor cuttings, suicide attempts, etc. This is what he did to himself -- and this, coupled with the fact that I loved him so much, tore me up inside.

    It has taken me 10 years to get to a point where I can begin to socialize with other gay men. I have a few gay friends but not many. Not because there aren't a lot of gay men around me. There are (SF Eastbay). I just don't socialize except with men I've known for over a quarter century. Friends who are just friends and who I know I can trust. (By the way, in the midst of my relationship drama, my best gay friend at the time committed suicide.)

    I feel like I can't trust myself to KNOW what is a safe situation for me any more. My last relationship was everything I'd ever wanted. AND it was totally, utterly wrong on every conceivable level. Just by being myself I did things that fit right into my partner's old wounds. I wasn't anything I did consciously or intentionally. It wasn’t even anything particularly unusual (although I am somewhat eccentric). It was just me being me. Me the creative artist who gets caught up in his own world of imagination and insight. All the things he loved ME for.

    But for him, me being me, was opening up old wounds of his abusive father, driving him closer and closer to the edge. Yeah, the yellow brick road was already laid down brick by fucking brick over a lifetime -- but me just being me was what pushed him to the edge.

    And then, when he went, he took my heart with him.

    I pulled him back from the abyss. Seriously. I did that. I’d have to write the equivalent of a chapter from a book to explain just how and what I mean by that, so just take it for what it is: I brought him back from near death and full blown bug eyed insanity -- and it took every oz of psychic strength, willpower and inner resource I had to do it. But he survived. We both did. We separated. We got him on disability (both for his HIV and his psychological state). Got him into a good facility. He improved. He never did go back to work but he did move to live closer with his family (children from a wild time in his youth). I was happy for him. We emailed and chatted some over the years.

    And then one day he just fell over off his rebounder.

    SO....

    Here I am. A widower. And that was the SECOND time I lost a lover. The first one literally died in my arms (brain tumor, not HIV related). I won't even bother to tell you that tale. Not yet anyway.

    I hope all you 'youngn's' out there in the intertubes are having all the fun with each other you can possibly stand. Hell, more than you can stand. I envy you, I truly do.

    But I'll tell you what... Given all I’ve lived through, despite how horny I am, I don't know if I'll ever trust myself to LOVE another man.

    I’m either too old or not old enough. I can’t figure out which.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2012 12:22 PM GMT
    Too old, not old enough.. probably neither, could be a little of both.

    Its all in your mind, I know guys in their 60s who act like they're in their 20s, I know guys in their 20's who you'd swear were in their 60's.

    We have expectations of what people should act like at certain times of their lives, the greatest problem a 60 something will have is being invisible..

    Even in my 40's I encounter that, still, I get by by being confident, talking to who I like, and concentrating on the things I have in common with guys 20 years either side of my age..

    If you can overcome that, I swear, you'll be just fine.

    10 years is too long to wait, you're ready to lose your born-again virginity.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 29, 2012 2:06 PM GMT
    sc69 said.snip.
    We have expectations of what people should act like at certain times of their lives, the greatest problem a 60 something will have is being invisible..

    Even in my 40's I encounter that, still, I get by by being confident, talking to who I like, and concentrating on the things I have in common with guys 20 years either side of my age..

    If you can overcome that, I swear, you'll be just fine.

    10 years is too long to wait, you're ready to lose your born-again virginity.


    I haven't minded the invisibility.

    Of course it's all 'in my head' BUT what it is for me isn't the age part. I mean, there is a 'reality' there re expectations and all that.

    But what stops me is my own lack of trust. Not so much in other guys as in myself. I no longer trust myself to know what is a healthy, safe and sane situation for me. I was 49 years old when I got into the relationship I'm talking about above. I don't regret it but what totally bugs me out is on some level I chose that relationship and all that came with it. It damn near killed me and it did break my heart. I couldn't handle something like that again and yet, that said, I want that level of passion.

    IS THAT THE PROBLEM? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Oct 29, 2012 11:57 PM GMT
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  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 30, 2012 2:06 AM GMT
    kevmoran saidtumblr_liyjk3wIKU1qfqx86.gif


    Sweet, and back at ya. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    1. From this one thread you just started, I feel that you are one of the most interesting men on this website.
    2. The passion you seek and the fatal attraction that went with it 10 years ago are not mutually exclusive. You can find that passion again. You could also find that fatal attraction again (although highly unlikely).
    3. I don't think you would ever be able to fall back into the same situation again because a) the chances of you pairing up with another crazy-ass individual like your ex are lower than you being struck by lightning and b) your heart and mind have not forgotten what was done to them. You'll recognize the unstable ledges before they crumble beneath you.
    4. You make me wish my grandfather was gay, or at least not completely close-minded. My generation can learn so much from yours, and I feel like those ties are slowly being severed by technology, globalization, the media, internet, etc. You should write a book. And if it doesn't take off, I'll buy the only copy.

    Wishing you all the best in your quest for sexual satiation,

    Jerbear
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 2:30 AM GMT
    MikeW said How old is too old?
    For a priest, if you're old enough to legally have an RJ account, you're too old.

    For a politician or school teacher, if you're old enough to be legally considered an adult in your local jurisdiction, you're too old.

    For the average RJ'er, if you no longer have a pulse, you're too old.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 30, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    jerbear89 said/snip/
    Wishing you all the best in your quest for sexual satiation,

    Jerbear

    haha Thanks! Very sweet of you.

    I'm a long way from 'sexual satiation' by anyone other than myself, however. Not ready for that at all

    I also appreciate the compliments. TY

    FWIW, I'd gladly accept a plutonic 'grandfatherly' role in any young man's life. Indeed, learning from our elders is one of the things our society -- and perhaps especially the gay tribe -- have lost. SO MANY of my generation lost to HIV, for one thing. Not everyone of my age group and older are interested in that sort of thing, either.

    Yes, I do have a wealth of stories. One of the things I'm doing in my retirement years is learning to write. I don't mean just make posts in forums, I mean write creative fiction. I'm a long way from that but it is now a strong interest. I wish I had the ability to write a 'novel' for each of my relationships. Each was quite unique and each has lessons within it that most anyone (regardless of their sexual orientation) could learn from.

    For example, during the years I was together with the partner who died of a brain tumor (David, to keep this simple), we were members of a peer-facilitated gay men's couples group. That group of gay couples met once every three weeks for seven years.

    Think about that.

    At the time this was going on I strongly suggested to the other members of the group that we begin documenting our process so other gay couples could form similar groups in other cities -- for the purpose of supporting one another and getting through the inevitable difficulties of being not just couples but specifically GAY couples. Unfortunately each had their own life, interest, career, etc... so that didn't happen. If I were to write the book of my relationship with David it would have to include a vast swath of information about that group (all fictionalized, of course). I would have to draw on my memory (faulty at best) and interviews with past group members. But, it could be done and, indeed, would make an interesting read if written well.

    It's the last part I'm not up to speed on.

    But, anyway, thanks! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 7:02 AM GMT
    I was completely captivated by your story and didn't want it to end. You are a masterful story-teller. You should definitely pursue the creative writing thing.

    I'm looking forward to more posts from you. Your life experiences and lesson learnt will benefit us all.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 31, 2012 5:37 PM GMT
    DR59 saidI was completely captivated by your story and didn't want it to end. You are a masterful story-teller. You should definitely pursue the creative writing thing.

    I'm looking forward to more posts from you. Your life experiences and lesson learnt will benefit us all.


    Thanks. icon_confused.gificon_redface.gif I think we all have a lot to learn from one another.